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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made life mistake, now too late

123 replies

Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 20:33

Me and DH both work opposite days 3 x days a week. And then other person takes care of DC.
Before DC, we were ok financially, doing lots of over time.
Now Im high earner and reduced hours to spend more time with baby DC while DH cant do his normal OT hours due to childcare.
Anyway now it all comes to light that DH has debts and all his wage goes for that plus petrol and food, his car etc
While my wage goes on all the bills, mortgage, stuff for DC, plus my car etc.
Bit frustrating but oh well life.
Now DH goes once a week to see his DC and that costs another £50 in petrol and now he wants to go there twice a week so £100 petrol. How is he going to pay for that?
I already accepted we wont see each other… but he wants to take baby DC as well while im at work. So he will prepare formula in the car and feed her in the pram i guess?, lots of fufff… and will be back around 22 at night with sleeping dc in the car, no bath nothing straight to bed
Poor dc ☹️ Dh said if i dont like it to reduce further hours so he doesnt take dc with him and i stay at home extra day. But i just cant afford it
Im so thorn. I love dc to bits but i wish maybe my dh was different, that he was high earner, that he pays some bills. Not all pressure on me. I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works
Why did i marry him? I cant leave him coz i dont have childcare, i dont get anything else in this relationship. No family in this country.
I feel like i have fucked up in my life with live choices and now i have a whole life ahead of me of struggle with money and lack of caring dh. I cry most of the nights (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
I waisted my youth and life and be single forever now

OP posts:
WhoAre · 14/03/2022 20:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

StopStartStop · 14/03/2022 20:37

If you moved closer to family would you get help from them and be able to work full time? It might be better than being miserable.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 20:38

Your life isn't even close to being over. You can change things if you want to.

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 20:44

@StopStartStop

If you moved closer to family would you get help from them and be able to work full time? It might be better than being miserable.
We cant move countries Different languages and all
OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 20:45

@WhoAre

Why can't he afford bills if he works full time?

How much do you both earn?

Because of all the debts, CM and loans. After petrol and food, theres pretty much nothing left to pay for bills
OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 14/03/2022 20:46

Can you both go back FT and get childcare.

I'd also being say no to increased visits to his kids why is it changing now??? Also as it stands he can't afford it. If he does OT and makes the money fair enough.

duvetdayforeveryone · 14/03/2022 20:51

@Aquamarine1029

Your life isn't even close to being over. You can change things if you want to.
This.

Start by ending it with DH. He should move closer to his children (and take his debt with him), and you will find childcare for your DC whilst you are at work.

merryhouse · 14/03/2022 20:54

Do you earn enough to pay for childcare if you take on extra days?

Schoolchoicesucks · 14/03/2022 20:55

Are you both working 3 days/week each? You say you are a high earner - could you work an extra day and use paid childcare? Or could he work an extra day/overtime on the days when you are not working to increase his earnings?

You seem to want to leave the relationship, but haven't really said why apart from wishing your dh earned more and didn't want to take your dc to spend time with half siblings? If dc is a baby, not having a bath and being fed in the pram will be fine. Are the other dc older? Is it at weekends he is taking your dc to meet them so you feel you are missing out on time with them? Or after school in the week? £100 a week on petrol sounds a lot - they must live a fair distance away. Why is he doubling the visits now? (Not saying that him having increased contact with his kids is a bad thing! Just wondering).

How is everything else with your relationship?

All these things - the number of days you work, whether you stay together or not - can be changed. So you haven't made a life decision that can't be changed.

Do you really want to move back to your home country to be close to family?

yoyo1234 · 14/03/2022 20:55

Childcare (if it allows you both to work full time maybe more cost effective). There are tax free childcare options etc .

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 14/03/2022 20:58

Get rid of him, you arent even sleeping together. Sort childcare. Go full time. You can do it. I did. No family here either. Its hard but its possible. Your life, your rules.

MintyFreshBreath · 14/03/2022 21:00

I would definitely stop the 3 days opposite working thing. You should both work full time normal hours, if possible. Paying for childcare is shite but it comes to an end as does maintenance. I’d also speak to DH’s creditors. When my DH had two debts, he was paying £1 a month to each. You have to really plead poverty to get them agree to that but they will. Speak to CAB maybe. Also, the usual like look at all Direct debits, are you in cheapest mobile contract etc.

RandomBasic · 14/03/2022 21:01

He can look at debt management and make more manageable repayment. If he is on debt why does he work part time

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/03/2022 21:06

I think you both need to work full time and get childcare. It’s nice to be at home if you want to be, but if you can’t you can’t.

You didn’t know about his debts before you married him? If so, you can be angry about that, but the main thing is you do a full disclosure of both your finances and work out a way forward.

I would honestly stop with the drama about your life being over. It is not. You are just having a tough time right now,

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:06

@merryhouse

Do you earn enough to pay for childcare if you take on extra days?
No, childcare is too expensive and i work 3 days a week from 6:30 till 22;00 so what childcare i can find in this hours?

I really feel stuck in my life right now

I can change work to 6:30 till 14 or 13:30 till 21 but again its very late for childcare

OP posts:
Headabovetheparakeet · 14/03/2022 21:07

What hours does your DH work? If he works closer to a 9-5 job then he can do drop offs and pick ups.

Ddot · 14/03/2022 21:09

How bad is the debt.
Bad
Major
Life long

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:09

We both work similar hours, that is whole day

Nothing bad with DH seeing his dc but the distance and petrol is a bit of an issue

OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:09

@Ddot

How bad is the debt. Bad Major Life long
Major
OP posts:
SarahProblem · 14/03/2022 21:10

Where's this debt from? How long has he been keeping this from you?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/03/2022 21:12

Consolidate the debt into a debt management plan.

GettingItOutThere · 14/03/2022 21:12

change your job?

work normal office hours and pay for childcare like most office type jobs do - then you DH does the same.

only until your child is at school then your both Full time..?

part time isnt really an option here and clearly does not work

Headabovetheparakeet · 14/03/2022 21:12

If he's earning less, can he change jobs? The type of hours you're both working doesn't sound sustainable long term.

FlimFlamJimJams · 14/03/2022 21:13

Get a Nanny. Go back to FT, your DH goes back to doing OT.

Really evaluate whether you want to be with someone who lied about debt.

2Hot2Handle · 14/03/2022 21:14

Not sure if this would work for you, but you could try…

  1. Ask DH to log in to his bank account with you and go over what is going out for debts and what he’s spending the rest of his money on
  2. Phone his debt companies. Get DH to give them permission to talk to you about his debts and work out a payment plan that reduces his outgoings (could be a consolidation loan)
  3. Set up a standing order from DH’s bank account, to your account, to pay towards bills
  4. Ask your work to increase your hours to a 4 day week and pay for childcare for the day, using DH’s contribution
  5. DH is to pay for any fuel costs to visit his children (be careful that your DC is not in a car seat for too long, as this can be dangerous. Discuss these risks with your DH
  6. Make a long-term plan with yourself. Once your DC reaches a certain age, they will eligible for up to 30 hrs free childcare. This will reduce costs significantly and give you more financial freedom to work out whether you want to go it alone, or continue a relationship with DH. A long-gem “escape plan”, might give you the motivation and reassurance you need to take action to help
yourself.

Avoid having any joint accounts. His contribution comes to you.

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