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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made life mistake, now too late

123 replies

Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 20:33

Me and DH both work opposite days 3 x days a week. And then other person takes care of DC.
Before DC, we were ok financially, doing lots of over time.
Now Im high earner and reduced hours to spend more time with baby DC while DH cant do his normal OT hours due to childcare.
Anyway now it all comes to light that DH has debts and all his wage goes for that plus petrol and food, his car etc
While my wage goes on all the bills, mortgage, stuff for DC, plus my car etc.
Bit frustrating but oh well life.
Now DH goes once a week to see his DC and that costs another £50 in petrol and now he wants to go there twice a week so £100 petrol. How is he going to pay for that?
I already accepted we wont see each other… but he wants to take baby DC as well while im at work. So he will prepare formula in the car and feed her in the pram i guess?, lots of fufff… and will be back around 22 at night with sleeping dc in the car, no bath nothing straight to bed
Poor dc ☹️ Dh said if i dont like it to reduce further hours so he doesnt take dc with him and i stay at home extra day. But i just cant afford it
Im so thorn. I love dc to bits but i wish maybe my dh was different, that he was high earner, that he pays some bills. Not all pressure on me. I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works
Why did i marry him? I cant leave him coz i dont have childcare, i dont get anything else in this relationship. No family in this country.
I feel like i have fucked up in my life with live choices and now i have a whole life ahead of me of struggle with money and lack of caring dh. I cry most of the nights (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
I waisted my youth and life and be single forever now

OP posts:
JamieNorthlife · 14/03/2022 21:52

OP, people asked if you love him?

Does not seem that he is making any effort at home.

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:54

@JamieNorthlife

OP, people asked if you love him?

Does not seem that he is making any effort at home.

The truth is that Im not sure anymore I feel resentful Poor DC little baby part of it
OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:56

Moving closer to his DC could be an option in the future but not with the current house prices. We would have to wait, and how long? Everything going up eh

OP posts:
Prettynails · 14/03/2022 21:58

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

Get rid of him, you arent even sleeping together. Sort childcare. Go full time. You can do it. I did. No family here either. Its hard but its possible. Your life, your rules.
This.

Financially it makes sense. His Children his responsibility you can do a week on and a week off and sort childcare for your week that you have them.

He keeps his debt his petrol is his etc

Prettynails · 14/03/2022 22:00

He can cut out the gym - road running is free as is coffee from home - that another £700 a year towards his debt

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/03/2022 22:07

@Prettynails

He can cut out the gym - road running is free as is coffee from home - that another £700 a year towards his debt
This

Yiu say he doesn’t do dilly spending but the two above would save money towards his debt

Did the ex move 2.5hrs away

Can she meet in the middle and drop kids off. Even one way

Do they stay at yours so one drop off. One collect

Bananarama21 · 14/03/2022 22:08

Why does he live so far away from his other existing children they are clearly feeling it especially as he sees the baby more can you not move closer?

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/03/2022 22:12

You're a high earner who could go full time? Do that then. Leave him. He can still do his three days with the baby and you can pay for childcare for the other three. It sounds like you're subsidizing his whole life anyway, so you may even save money in the long run.

HoppingPavlova · 14/03/2022 22:13

No, childcare is too expensive and i work 3 days a week from 6:30 till 22;00 so what childcare i can find in this hours?

Sorry, I don’t understand - you work 15.5hr x 3 day/week? So a 46.5hr week which would seem reasonable. You say your DH does similar hours but on opposing days. You are a high income earner but cannot afford more than 1 day of childcare a week? You have high expenses and DH has original children he has an obligation to visit and finance. Are you wanting advice or just venting? If the former is all correct, seems like the only way is to cut back on expenses (obviously not those corresponding to DH original children though). Can you recoil at your insurance packages, telephones etc and make sure you are getting the best deal. Cut out Netflix/streaming services, no takeaways etc?

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 22:17

@HoppingPavlova

No, childcare is too expensive and i work 3 days a week from 6:30 till 22;00 so what childcare i can find in this hours?

Sorry, I don’t understand - you work 15.5hr x 3 day/week? So a 46.5hr week which would seem reasonable. You say your DH does similar hours but on opposing days. You are a high income earner but cannot afford more than 1 day of childcare a week? You have high expenses and DH has original children he has an obligation to visit and finance. Are you wanting advice or just venting? If the former is all correct, seems like the only way is to cut back on expenses (obviously not those corresponding to DH original children though). Can you recoil at your insurance packages, telephones etc and make sure you are getting the best deal. Cut out Netflix/streaming services, no takeaways etc?

Its pretty correct but 2 hours unpaid break so thats 13.5hours.

I will have to look into nanny, no nursery or childminder will operate in these hours

OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 22:18

We moved, not his ex.

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 14/03/2022 22:22

You have two cars and no money but both working part time?

Get paid childcare, get rid of one or both cars, go full time. Consider leaving DH and his debt.

TheHoptimist · 14/03/2022 22:25

You are both working part-time
That is a luxury that very few couples can afford.

Not a lot of sympathy- sorry!

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 22:30

@TheHoptimist

You are both working part-time That is a luxury that very few couples can afford.

Not a lot of sympathy- sorry!

He works full time x3 days (37.5hrs) I work part time 2/3 days a week (32hrs) No childcare at the moment
OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 14/03/2022 22:33

@TheHoptimist

You are both working part-time That is a luxury that very few couples can afford.

Not a lot of sympathy- sorry!

A 40 hour week is not part time.
YellowChickpea · 14/03/2022 22:33

They aren't working part time. They are working 3 x 13.5hr shifts per week. That's 40+ hours. Standard pattern for full time shift work. Lots of people mistakenly call it part time because it's over 3 days rather than 5 but each of those work days is 5 hours longer than a standard one.

Bananarama21 · 14/03/2022 22:35

I have little sympathy that you moved 2.5 hours away from his dc and started a new family how must those kids feel. It sounds like your bothered he's paying for petrol to visit them and the cm. Surely that should have been discussed when you decided to move away he's not providing practical support for his dc being so far away.

Bananarama21 · 14/03/2022 22:36

Or do he expect contact to drop off?

JamieNorthlife · 14/03/2022 22:44

OP, you are already paying for everything and if this does not feel like a relationship, you should start thinking about leaving.

Don't know your age but I'm guessing you are young, think about the life you want to live and the companion you need and want in your life. His debt is not yours to help to resolve, let him sort that out himself. Can you make a plan for your own life and start saving so you can move away.

Changechangychange · 14/03/2022 22:59

@YellowChickpea

They aren't working part time. They are working 3 x 13.5hr shifts per week. That's 40+ hours. Standard pattern for full time shift work. Lots of people mistakenly call it part time because it's over 3 days rather than 5 but each of those work days is 5 hours longer than a standard one.
This - sounds like a standard full-time nursing rota (with the unpaid breaks).

OP, if it is nursing, have you considered switching to nights? Then your child could be in nursery 8-5 (or whatever) while you sleep. Obviously won’t work if you are a specialist nurse, but if you are a ward nurse (or bed manager, or site practitioner) it could work well.

Changechangychange · 14/03/2022 22:59

(I’m assuming your DP is home overnight for this)

maddening · 14/03/2022 23:00

If you both work full time (with you 9-5) you could afford childcare and he could leave Friday to see his other dc and return Sunday night /go straight to Work from there on Monday.

You don't see him anyway.

whynotwhatknot · 14/03/2022 23:02

Why did you move so far from his dc-250 miles one way is not susutainable twice a week whatever wage someone is on

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 23:12

Its 2.5hrs drive not 250miles

The night shifts could actually work and i did not think about it
The issue is dh would have to change to 9-5 and this is difficult in his role as it is very shift based

OP posts:
Goldenharp · 14/03/2022 23:14

You husband is going to drown in a morass of debt. Anybody who is paying interest on outstanding debt while spending money on the gym and coffee is not facing the problem. His solution is relying on you to pay everything. Is he paying the right amount of CM or is he overpaying out of guilt so you are subsidising his children at the expense of your own? Do not under any circumstances mess up your credit to help him. Do not borrow money at a cheaper rate which he promises to repay because he won't. Even if he got out of debt, I'm afraid it's quite possible that he would run it up again.

I think you have to take the long view here. Think about finding a job with more regular hours. Even with fulltime childcare you'd see more of your child in the evenings than you will with his plan to meander off with the baby while you subsidise his petrol. Get some money saved in a personal account to cover the cost of moving into a new place. (I assume you are renting.) Then I'd leave. I would not contemplate spending my life subsidising a man who seems to be a bit of a user.

I can't understand why people are suggesting a nanny if they're struggling financially. That is a very expensive option.