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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made life mistake, now too late

123 replies

Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 20:33

Me and DH both work opposite days 3 x days a week. And then other person takes care of DC.
Before DC, we were ok financially, doing lots of over time.
Now Im high earner and reduced hours to spend more time with baby DC while DH cant do his normal OT hours due to childcare.
Anyway now it all comes to light that DH has debts and all his wage goes for that plus petrol and food, his car etc
While my wage goes on all the bills, mortgage, stuff for DC, plus my car etc.
Bit frustrating but oh well life.
Now DH goes once a week to see his DC and that costs another £50 in petrol and now he wants to go there twice a week so £100 petrol. How is he going to pay for that?
I already accepted we wont see each other… but he wants to take baby DC as well while im at work. So he will prepare formula in the car and feed her in the pram i guess?, lots of fufff… and will be back around 22 at night with sleeping dc in the car, no bath nothing straight to bed
Poor dc ☹️ Dh said if i dont like it to reduce further hours so he doesnt take dc with him and i stay at home extra day. But i just cant afford it
Im so thorn. I love dc to bits but i wish maybe my dh was different, that he was high earner, that he pays some bills. Not all pressure on me. I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works
Why did i marry him? I cant leave him coz i dont have childcare, i dont get anything else in this relationship. No family in this country.
I feel like i have fucked up in my life with live choices and now i have a whole life ahead of me of struggle with money and lack of caring dh. I cry most of the nights (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
I waisted my youth and life and be single forever now

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2022 21:16

@2Hot2Handle has given you excellent advice.

RJnomore1 · 14/03/2022 21:16

Do you love him op?

You don’t sound like you do. How old is the baby?

Theunamedcat · 14/03/2022 21:21

Umm no he doesn't get to increase his debt he figures something else out

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:22

@2Hot2Handle

Not sure if this would work for you, but you could try…
  1. Ask DH to log in to his bank account with you and go over what is going out for debts and what he’s spending the rest of his money on
  2. Phone his debt companies. Get DH to give them permission to talk to you about his debts and work out a payment plan that reduces his outgoings (could be a consolidation loan)
  3. Set up a standing order from DH’s bank account, to your account, to pay towards bills
  4. Ask your work to increase your hours to a 4 day week and pay for childcare for the day, using DH’s contribution
  5. DH is to pay for any fuel costs to visit his children (be careful that your DC is not in a car seat for too long, as this can be dangerous. Discuss these risks with your DH
  6. Make a long-term plan with yourself. Once your DC reaches a certain age, they will eligible for up to 30 hrs free childcare. This will reduce costs significantly and give you more financial freedom to work out whether you want to go it alone, or continue a relationship with DH. A long-gem “escape plan”, might give you the motivation and reassurance you need to take action to help
yourself.

Avoid having any joint accounts. His contribution comes to you.

Thank you for that.

The debts are loans from the bank - so no debt companies, just loans and credit cards. Not sure if that changes anything really. I have seen his account, it really is all direct debits to loans, petrol, food, phone, gym, CM, insurance, coffees etc. No silly spendings.

I will look into 9-5 job could be something.

Baby dc is just below 1 year.
I just dont feel like a partner in this relationship but mother who takes care of everything!

OP posts:
Cbes · 14/03/2022 21:24

Both go up to 4 or 5 days and get a nanny. At least that way it’s a more equal footing and more options for you.

Tilltheend99 · 14/03/2022 21:25

Why does he use a hire car? If he needs a car for work they should provide him with one. If he is just going to and from work can he get a bus if he can’t afford petrol?

Sorry you are having to deal with this op

TimeForTeaAndG · 14/03/2022 21:26

How far away are the kids, and what does he drive that it costs £50 in petrol?!

Walkingalot · 14/03/2022 21:27

It's never too late to make changes. Just think, if you do nothing, nothing will change and life will continue as it is, maybe worse. Don't think of how the next few months/year will look like as that will put you off - think further ahead. You don't want to be in this position in 2/3 years time do you. Start planning.
Making drastic changes, like leaving, takes courage and it often seems like it's impossible/very hard. But that feeling of relief that you can now make decisions about your life, without dead weight, carries you through.

Sprucewillis · 14/03/2022 21:28

OP please be very careful that you do not take out any debt to rescue your DH. At the moment only one of you has bad credit. If you take out a loan to pay off his debts you will be responsible for it and no guarantee he will pay off the debts/replace them with new ones.

It sounds as if the problems in your relationship go much deeper than honesty about finances. You could try to work through this with your DH if he will be accountable for his debts and full disclosure from now on.

The new increased contact with DSC would be a concern for me. Why now? Why are they so far away? Is that really how he's spending his time? There seems to be a lot of avoidance in this relationship and as you have said yourself I'm not sure what you get out of it at all. Good luck OP

ImBurtMacklin · 14/03/2022 21:32

Coffee and gym are silly spendings out of that I’m afraid.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/03/2022 21:33

You say you're a high earner, then you should able able to afford childcare without him. It will be drastic, you may need to move to a smaller house or flat but if it's just you and our child you don't need much space.

Gazelda · 14/03/2022 21:33

Would it be cheaper if he took a train to see his DC? Or coach?

Can you look for another job with more regular hours so they you can use formal childcare?

Why does he have gym membership and spend on coffees if he's struggling to pay debt?

Would it work if you lived nearer his DC?

Do you love him?

godmum56 · 14/03/2022 21:33

gym and coffees? well those can go....phone goes to payg or sim only. What food does he buy? I really think if you want to stay together the budget needs to be screwed down tight, I'd also get rid of his credit cards. If you HAVE to be the adult in the relationship then better to do it proeprly and thoroughly.

TatianaBis · 14/03/2022 21:34

Is there any possibility of taking your baby back with you to your home country? Would you have employment there?

WonderfulYou · 14/03/2022 21:35

You are the higher earner and his moneys going on his debts - you’ll probably be financially better off without him.

What about the house?
Is it brought, do you rent etc?

Do you mind me asking what job you do?

If you work part time you will get help with housing costs if you live alone.
I would look for a job that fits in with a nursery and do it part time. You should get help with childcare.
Or go on benefits until your baby gets free childcare.

RedHelenB · 14/03/2022 21:35

@Totalwasteofpaper

Can you both go back FT and get childcare.

I'd also being say no to increased visits to his kids why is it changing now??? Also as it stands he can't afford it. If he does OT and makes the money fair enough.

I disagree, why shouldn't he see more if his kids? You need to sit down and work through your budget carefully
Susie3333 · 14/03/2022 21:36

I think you need to decide if the relationship is worth saving as a couple and have an honest chat to see if changes can be made, if not cut your losses and leave him. Neither option is easy but such is life sadly :( I hope you figure things out but remember you only get one life so don't waste it being unhappy. It's never too late to change things

ButtockUp · 14/03/2022 21:36

You've had some great advice here OP .

However, you've said that he has no silly spending and you have a list that included gym and coffees. If he's got debts then the gym and coffees need to go.

Fere · 14/03/2022 21:36

Coffee, gym, expensive phone... all adds up. He can give those up and here's magically up to £200 (or more!) saved a month.
You need to get everything written down to account for everything going out of his account. What has he got to show for those loans? A car, a motorbike, other gadgets?
How comes he has be back home at 10pm and not at 6pm?

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 14/03/2022 21:39

You've had decent advice on consolidating the debt.

As a PP remarks, with your circumstances, a nanny would probably be a wise move.

Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:43

@fruitbrewhaha

You say you're a high earner, then you should able able to afford childcare without him. It will be drastic, you may need to move to a smaller house or flat but if it's just you and our child you don't need much space.
I alrady looked into selling house and buying flat but with the prices going up right now it wont save us any money

He said his dc are feeling sad thst our baby dc has dh full time. So thsts why increase in visits.
Its 2.5hrs drive one way, so yes expensive,

OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:45

@TatianaBis

Is there any possibility of taking your baby back with you to your home country? Would you have employment there?
No employment there as im a trained professional here with no recognition there
OP posts:
Original poster
Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 21:47

@Fere

Coffee, gym, expensive phone... all adds up. He can give those up and here's magically up to £200 (or more!) saved a month. You need to get everything written down to account for everything going out of his account. What has he got to show for those loans? A car, a motorbike, other gadgets? How comes he has be back home at 10pm and not at 6pm?
These are the shift hours, early, afternoon or whole day. I could look into 9-5 in my profession, him not really.
OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/03/2022 21:49

Would moving near to his dc be possible? Sounds like you both cant afford to be working part time. You both need to go full time and dc goes to childcare.

bebanjo · 14/03/2022 21:50

What car is he driving that drinks £50 of fuel in a 5 hr drive?

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