Made life mistake, now too late

[Mistakee33]

Me and DH both work opposite days 3 x days a week. And then other person takes care of DC.
Before DC, we were ok financially, doing lots of over time.
Now Im high earner and reduced hours to spend more time with baby DC while DH cant do his normal OT hours due to childcare.
Anyway now it all comes to light that DH has debts and all his wage goes for that plus petrol and food, his car etc
While my wage goes on all the bills, mortgage, stuff for DC, plus my car etc.
Bit frustrating but oh well life.
Now DH goes once a week to see his DC and that costs another £50 in petrol and now he wants to go there twice a week so £100 petrol. How is he going to pay for that?
I already accepted we wont see each other… but he wants to take baby DC as well while im at work. So he will prepare formula in the car and feed her in the pram i guess?, lots of fufff… and will be back around 22 at night with sleeping dc in the car, no bath nothing straight to bed
Poor dc ☹️ Dh said if i dont like it to reduce further hours so he doesnt take dc with him and i stay at home extra day. But i just cant afford it
Im so thorn. I love dc to bits but i wish maybe my dh was different, that he was high earner, that he pays some bills. Not all pressure on me. I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works
Why did i marry him? I cant leave him coz i dont have childcare, i dont get anything else in this relationship. No family in this country.
I feel like i have fucked up in my life with live choices and now i have a whole life ahead of me of struggle with money and lack of caring dh. I cry most of the nights (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
I waisted my youth and life and be single forever now

You both need to work full time. Your current household income is barely over a full time salary - no wonder you are struggling. Pay childcare in a nursery or childminder. It’s not fit many years.

Sort out your marriage. You are never too old to improve your life. It’s not a dress rehearsal,

You have not explained what his loans were for.

You are subsidising his loan repayments while he keeps up his obligations to his other child.

It sounds like you really need to sit down and talk about your finances, as this is likely also poisoning your view of the marriage.

@Mistakee33

Its 2.5hrs drive not 250miles

The night shifts could actually work and i did not think about it
The issue is dh would have to change to 9-5 and this is difficult in his role as it is very shift based

He can do nights then!

If he did Sun-Tues night each week (or Wed-Fri), you’d only need 2-3 days of normal nursery care. You do drop off on the way to work, he wakes up and does pickup. Both of you do full time hours. Loads of my colleagues do that shift pattern when their children are at primary school, so they don’t need to use wraparound care.

@Feelingoktoday

You both need to work full time. Your current household income is barely over a full time salary - no wonder you are struggling. Pay childcare in a nursery or childminder. It’s not fit many years.

Sort out your marriage. You are never too old to improve your life. It’s not a dress rehearsal,

Rtft they are both working ft.

@Feelingoktoday

You both need to work full time. Your current household income is barely over a full time salary - no wonder you are struggling. Pay childcare in a nursery or childminder. It’s not fit many years.

Sort out your marriage. You are never too old to improve your life. It’s not a dress rehearsal,

Read the thread. They're not part-time. They do 13.5 hour shifts 3 days (2/3 days for OP) a week.

My DD is a nurse. She works three long days which make up full time hours.

@Feelingoktoday

You both need to work full time. Your current household income is barely over a full time salary - no wonder you are struggling. Pay childcare in a nursery or childminder. It’s not fit many years.

Sort out your marriage. You are never too old to improve your life. It’s not a dress rehearsal,

Where do you suggest that OP finds childcare that would cover 06:30 - 22:00? It's highly unlikely that they could run to a live in nanny.

If you could afford it, I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him taking the baby to see his children. That sounds like better fathering, encourages a relationship between siblings and makes up a tiny bit for moving hours away from them.The baby can sleep in the car, though he should make sure to take breaks since it's lots of car seat time. But I can see that the expense is more than he can afford at the moment.

That your DH would entangle your finances and have a child with you without revealing his debts is a huge concern.

Agree with many others - gym and coffees as expenses when he can't pay anything towards his bills or his child's upkeep is outrageous.

How did he manage before you started subsidising him?

The sensible thing to do would be to leave him. You're in a hard place, but one you can climb out of. The chances of doing so with a man who will get into this kind of debt and hide it from you are slim to none.

To that end: Are you actually married? Are you renting or mortgaged (and whose name(s) is the tenancy agreement/house in?)? Do you (or he) have any savings or a decent pension yet?

Honestly, I struggle to see the problem here. In a lot of relationships one person tends to be the higher earner, and in this case it’s you. You can’t resent him for that. Why does it have to be the man who earns more? On that basis, that’s not the issue.

Your hours are also the same, indeed his are more. So again, not an issue of one person working more or less.

However, that does mean that the division of all household responsibilities should be equal. And I wonder if that’s what the issue is. I wonder if you have built up resentment about things not being equal, and that has led you to where you are.

This isn’t a LTB situation. He earns less, you earn more. So be it.

You also can’t stop him from seeing his children, especially as you were the ones who moved away.

I wonder if things will become easier if you have more normal working hours. Even though you work 3 days a week, those are really long hours and it must be exhausting. And then on your days off, you have to look after a baby. Your current set up may save money on childcare, but it’s clearly not working. When do you even spend time together as a couple?

You do, however, need to understand how the debt came about. Secret debt is a big secret so you need to find out exactly what happened.

On the debt side of things, he needs to contact a debt charity like Step Change or Christians Against Poverty and get proper advice, perhaps even a formal debt management plan to consolidate his debt and reduce to one monthly payment.

Best of luck OP.

@Bananarama21

I have little sympathy that you moved 2.5 hours away from his dc and started a new family how must those kids feel. It sounds like your bothered he's paying for petrol to visit them and the cm. Surely that should have been discussed when you decided to move away he's not providing practical support for his dc being so far away.

This as well

I get your work long hours but maybe think about moving closer tho his kids as you moved away

@Bananarama21

I have little sympathy that you moved 2.5 hours away from his dc and started a new family how must those kids feel. It sounds like your bothered he's paying for petrol to visit them and the cm. Surely that should have been discussed when you decided to move away he's not providing practical support for his dc being so far away.

This!

It was always going to be a massive issue him seeing his children!

I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works
This is what jumped out at me. He's a male chauvinist.

Also that he hadn't told you about his debts.

I think you need a full and frank conversation.
Practically speaking, realistically I don't think he can afford to see his DC twice a week right now, can he? Or can their mother pay petrol/travel costs for one of their visits?

OP is working full time hours across 3 days.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time op.

You need to sit down and consider whether or not you want to be in this relationship.

Re debts- I would tell him to contact Step Change www.stepchange.org/

We set up a DMP with them last year and they've been fantastic,really supportive.
They consolidated our debts into one monthly payment that is based on monthly in/outgoings and deal with the banks so you don't have to. In our case they've cancelled our interest payments so the debt is getting paid off 10x faster than it was before.

Whether you help him do it or just tell him to do it is up to you, but either way the less he's paying off for that means more towards the household/dc and hopefully a little less stress for you.

How much is his gym membership?

I'm guessing you are Wife No 2 and your H is seeing his children from his first marriage? (Your post doesn't make is 100% clear.)

Are you actually married?

What I find odd, ignoring the finances, is that he is happy to take your baby with him when he visits his ex and his children with her.
How does she feel about that? Talk about rubbing her nose into it all!

I wonder if you are (both) from another culture? His behaviour is very chauvinistic and you say your training would not be accepted in your home country. You writing doesn't come over as English being your first language.

None of this matters except it may be relevant in the way he behaves towards you.

You need to decide what you want to do long term.
Do you want to stay with him?
If so, you need to change your working hours so they are child-friendly. If you are a high earner you presumably have skills that are sought-after and should be able to find another job.

His kids from his marriage are not your responsibility. They are his.
BUT maybe together you made the choice to live so far away from them. I don't know the timeline of your relationship.

He is the one who had made poor choices and got himself in debt, and moved away from his children.

Was there no sign of his debts or spending habits when you met him?

But it's your decision where you go from here.

How does she feel about that? Talk about rubbing her nose into it all

No suggestion of this whatever. Not even a hint. None.

Maybe it was a civil break up and she doesn’t mind. Maybe she has a new partner with more children. You’ve really made a leap there.

It was a question @JellybeansJelly. Note the ? mark.
The Op can respond if she wishes.

@Totalwasteofpaper

Can you both go back FT and get childcare.

I'd also being say no to increased visits to his kids why is it changing now??? Also as it stands he can't afford it. If he does OT and makes the money fair enough.

You would try to stop someone from seeing their own children?

@SleepyintheHollows

Talk about rubbing her nose into it all!

Looks more like a statement than a question…can’t see the question mark.

Well I can see the question even if you cant.

Maybe find other posts to pick over if you are so bored this morning.

@SleepyintheHollows

Well I can see the question even if you cant.

Maybe find other posts to pick over if you are so bored this morning.

Oh my 🤣🤣🤣

Every time I hear of a baby drowning in a bath, I wonder what was more important. He's either game playing with you, so he gets out of caring for him, or there's resentment and he's enjoying the power, or he thinks that he knows best. The first one needs an ultimatum, the second you leave and the last needs a chat from the HV, if your MW has discharged you.

@SleepyintheHollows

Honestly, I struggle to see the problem here.

I am wondering if emotional intelligence ranks highly on your CV ?@JellybeansJelly

(And that's a question!)

So now you resort to insults? Really?

Because I pointed out how stupid your post sounds when suggesting that the husband taking the baby to see his kids is rubbing the ex’s nose in it? When OP said nothing to suggest that may be the case. When we know nothing of the relationship with the ex.

Yet I lack emotional intelligence? Have a re-read of this exchange then ask yourself who actually lacks intelligence at all here.