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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Made life mistake, now too late

123 replies

Mistakee33 · 14/03/2022 20:33

Me and DH both work opposite days 3 x days a week. And then other person takes care of DC.
Before DC, we were ok financially, doing lots of over time.
Now Im high earner and reduced hours to spend more time with baby DC while DH cant do his normal OT hours due to childcare.
Anyway now it all comes to light that DH has debts and all his wage goes for that plus petrol and food, his car etc
While my wage goes on all the bills, mortgage, stuff for DC, plus my car etc.
Bit frustrating but oh well life.
Now DH goes once a week to see his DC and that costs another £50 in petrol and now he wants to go there twice a week so £100 petrol. How is he going to pay for that?
I already accepted we wont see each other… but he wants to take baby DC as well while im at work. So he will prepare formula in the car and feed her in the pram i guess?, lots of fufff… and will be back around 22 at night with sleeping dc in the car, no bath nothing straight to bed
Poor dc ☹️ Dh said if i dont like it to reduce further hours so he doesnt take dc with him and i stay at home extra day. But i just cant afford it
Im so thorn. I love dc to bits but i wish maybe my dh was different, that he was high earner, that he pays some bills. Not all pressure on me. I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works
Why did i marry him? I cant leave him coz i dont have childcare, i dont get anything else in this relationship. No family in this country.
I feel like i have fucked up in my life with live choices and now i have a whole life ahead of me of struggle with money and lack of caring dh. I cry most of the nights (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
I waisted my youth and life and be single forever now

OP posts:

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/03/2022 09:06

i agree, he should get a debt mangement plan

Quitelikeit · 15/03/2022 09:17

Do not assume that his debts cannot be managed better as they absolutely can. He will need to consult a debt advice agency such as the CAB or similar. Google it for your area

Did you know that CM can take into account travel costs? You can ask and at £400 per month I’m sure they would consider reducing the award.

However £400pm could get you a better bigger house near his kids

I don’t know what career you are in but if you mention it I am certain that you don’t have to be stuck in shifts. Nursing for example - nurses are employed in GP surgeries 9-5, schools etc

You will get financial assistance to pay childcare costs and also CM if you leave your husband

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2022 09:24

@EatYourVegetables

You have two cars and no money but both working part time?

Get paid childcare, get rid of one or both cars, go full time. Consider leaving DH and his debt.

Tbf they're both doing 40 hours a week, that is full time for most people

Sswhinesthebest · 15/03/2022 09:30

That’s why as part of my life choice, I avoided all men with children. I didn’t want the complications.

Shade17 · 15/03/2022 09:31

What car is he driving that drinks £50 of fuel in a 5 hr drive?

Something reasonably economical I’d imagine, it’s probably doing more than 40mpg.

TulaOfDarkWater · 15/03/2022 09:34

You will get financial assistance to pay childcare costs and also CM if you leave your husband

Why are you assuming OP will be resident parent and will therefore get CM? In terms of care, her H is currently doing 50/50 & can demonstrate that to the court. Also as the higher earner, it’s OP who will probably come out worse from a divorce.

HiJenny35 · 15/03/2022 09:38

You're making excuses, the debts and child maintenance are his problems, sell the house, get a flat for you and baby, you work 6:30 till 2, you can easily get childcare for those times, or get a nanny and work whatever hours. Assuming he will still want his child at some point so that's one day taken care of. You don't want to be with him, realistically this has no long term future and the longer it goes on the more your debt gets entangled and you have to pay for his issues and the longer its harder for you child. Sort it now.

RantyAunty · 15/03/2022 09:41

It's not too late to get out of this mess.

It sounds like he wasn't really honest with you about his debt and spending.
His moving 2.5 hours away from his existing DC wasn't a good idea either.

You really don't have to stay with him.

You can sell the house, rent a cheaper place for awhile.
Are you in nursing? There is a lot of telehealth nursing jobs around.

You won't have to deal with his debt and money stress. I suspect you and your DC life would be a lot more peaceful.

jynnerso · 15/03/2022 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jynnerso · 15/03/2022 09:45

Sorry, wrong thread. I’ve reported.

TicTac80 · 15/03/2022 10:03

Sounds tricky! I would definitely sit down and go through debts/finances with him. My kids are a bit older now but when I split with XH (I’m not suggesting you do this unless you want to/it’s not working for you etc), I was able to negotiate me doing FT hours over 4 fixed days each week. I’m a nurse too. I work on an acute ward and my matron allowed me to change my hours so that they correspond with my DD’s wraparound care hours. Initially it was done on trial basis to see how it worked for the ward. Matron reviewed it after a couple of months and was happy that it was working fine. I’ve been doing these shifts ever since. Once my youngest DC is old enough to not need to be taken to school etc, then I can switch back to normal shifts. If you’re a ward based nurse, then it’s honestly worth asking about doing this if you think it would help you. It was a game changer for me. Also doing these hours hasn’t hindered me moving up a band.

Re: childcare. I don’t know where you’re based but where I am, there was/is NO childcare that started before 7:30 in the morning - believe me, I checked. About 6/7yrs ago (so before I split with XH), I did find a CM who would do 6:30am to 8:30pm. At the weekends. For £220 a day for both my DC. For a year, I paid £440 per weekend to enable me to do long day shifts at the weekends. Other than that (which isn’t sustainable at all), there was nothing. My DD was in nursery from 7:30 to 6:30 for another two days of the week, and I had to rely on them DH to get her to/from
Nursery (this had its own issues which I won’t go into here).

Hope things get easier for you x

inheritancetrack · 15/03/2022 10:15

If you divorce you may be liable to some of his debt (depends what he spent the money on). You need to get some legal advice. DH doesn't sound fully committed

HotSauceCommittee · 15/03/2022 10:24

It's often rough when a new baby comes into a relationship. He is your husband. Why would you not share the money a bit more, pay for his petrol? You said you were the higher earner.
Did you love him before you had the baby?
Is he likely to get into debt again once this current debt is paid off?
It sounds like he's really struggling.

Tohaveandtohold · 15/03/2022 10:24

Go back to work full time. If you do the 6:30 to 2 Monday fo Friday, that’s full time for you.

Use a childminder as they are flexible with hours. Your DH does morning drop off and you pick up so if he works 9-5 and drops off at 8:30, you can pick up at 2:30 meaning you’ll both only need 6 hours a day childcare and childminders are cheaper than nursery too.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 15/03/2022 10:26

I could go full time and he pt, but no because he wont be sitting at home when woman works

He's putting his ego ahead of what works for you both as a couple and overall as a family. No matter what, that isn't sustainable, and it isn't helping him to clear the debt.

If you can go FT, using the suggestions from others, it sounds like you should.

NumberTheory · 15/03/2022 14:00

@TulaOfDarkWater

You will get financial assistance to pay childcare costs and also CM if you leave your husband

Since he was prepared to move 250 miles from the kids he already had, it’s not a stretch to think he won’t be prepared to sacrifice much for this one. Though I think his desire to do the trip twice a week does counter that assumption a bit.

ChoiceMummy · 15/03/2022 14:15

How far away are the children from other relationship? Why can't the child stay over?
Why is he now suddenly wanting two visits a week?

Is the child maintenance an informal agreement or made via cms? Travel over £10 in cost can be reclaimed if via cms. And if not via cms and he's paying more than what the calculator says, then I'd give the ex one month's notice that moving forward he's reducing the payments.

I have seen his account, it really is all direct debits to loans, petrol, food, phone, gym, CM, insurance, coffees etc.No silly spendings
.I'd see this differently. Gym needs to be cancelled with immediate effect. Any food and drink needed when out of the house now needs to be in a flask and packed lunch. He cannot afford otherwise now and this is his own doing,so he needs to reduce outgoings. Really that will impact you too. Likewise anything such as sky needs to go and move over to cheaper WiFi etc.

It sounds as though you feel so trapped. Did you feel that way before you knew about the debt?

ChoiceMummy · 15/03/2022 14:17

He said his dc are feeling sad thst our baby dc has dh full time.So thsts why increase in visits.Its 2.5hrs drive one way, so yes expensive,
Sadly, he's now not in a position to spend 10hours a week on the road due to his debt.

Which parent relocated? Why isn't the ex doing half of the trips?

BambinaJAS · 15/03/2022 14:20

Sounds more like OP feels trapped because her H is not really helping, and her own family is not really moving forward.

So she only "exists" while paying for his debts and his current lifestyle.

This is a tough one. While I agree that H should absolutely be dedicating time for his kids with ex, that is strictly speaking not your financial problem.

Sounds like stopping the financial largesse on your end could potentially improve your view of this, and sharpen your H's commitment to your own family.

Momijin · 15/03/2022 14:25

Options:

Move closer to his DC (I think that would be the best in any circumstances)
Change jobs to one that is within nursery hours and or a better paying one - both you and your dh
Get an au pair

Goldenharp · 16/03/2022 22:41

An au pair is not a cheap nanny. She may do some babysitting but there is no way you could rely on her for full-time childcare every day. She is not paid for doing full-time child care and is really more a "mother's helper". You also have to accommodate and feed the au pair.

BambinaJAS · 16/03/2022 23:41

@Momijin

Options:

Move closer to his DC (I think that would be the best in any circumstances)
Change jobs to one that is within nursery hours and or a better paying one - both you and your dh
Get an au pair

Au pair was only really affordable when the UK was in the EU.

Not really an option for most now.

Movinghouseatlast · 21/03/2022 10:38

Your husband needs to be on a debt management plan. Contact Payplan. Get him to do it in his name only and not include your salary. Look on Moneysaving expert.

He needs to buy a flask for coffee out and about and stop the gym. I thought he had no time for anything, when does he go to the gym?

The fact is, he moved away from his kids, he is their dad so compromised have to be made.

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