Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your best retorts when told to smile

162 replies

tympanic · 14/03/2022 04:41

I'm over it. I even get it from my husband. Not my fault I have resting bitch face. I know the hive will have some witty retorts so let's have them.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2022 11:11

@Thatswhyimacat

I agree that witty retorts are just embarrassing and never as clever or witty as people think they are.

That said, I laughed my head off when a friend was told to smile and she yelled STRANGER DANGER at the top of her lungs.

bahahahaha
LovelaceBiggWither · 14/03/2022 11:12

Once in a cafe, the cafe owner who was holding an adorable baby looked at me and I thought oh god please do not. I knew I still looked pregnant. He came over with a huge smile and said would cuddling the baby make you feel better? I burst into tears and said my baby was stillborn last week.

So yeah that went well for all of us.

Chishnfips · 14/03/2022 11:15

I'd give a smile with the middle finger

stayathomer · 14/03/2022 11:28

My best friend met her husband this way! She said she'd normally have told him where to go but they started chatting. When we talked about how they met he said she looked so serious and it just came out. He said 'goes to show how great she is that she didn't just call me an idiot and tell me to f off'

Tiani4 · 14/03/2022 11:49

@Ikeptgoing

Lol! If it's a stranger I reply "who are you? I don't know you, you strange man that has approached me ..."

To someone I know "I'm thinking, this is my thinking face. Am I not allowed to think? I smile all the time when I'm really happy. You're being weird"

Grin

This ^
herecomesthehotsteppa · 14/03/2022 11:50

Loving the blood capsule one, or the "sorry I don't have any change" one.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 14/03/2022 12:25

"Thank you for your comment, random man".

I also really rather like If it's a stranger look slightly over the top of their head and whisper into your sleeve MI5 style "hold fire!...I repeat, hold fire, it's not the target!" Grin

BobbinThreadbare123 · 14/03/2022 12:32

I do the middle finger used to push the corners of my mouth up. Works well.

Or a Jack Reacher style "No".

antwacky · 14/03/2022 12:47

I usually just look right through any idiot who tells me to smile but in Tescos one day some silly sod told me to smile, c'mon cheer up, it might never happen, what you looking so miserable for? His face was a picture when I told him it might have something to do with the fact that on the previous day I had walked into to my mum's place to find her dead on the floor. I could feel my mum cheering me on.

LemonsLimes · 14/03/2022 12:50

@ItsNotJustCharlieWhoSeesYou

If it's a stranger look slightly over the top of their head and whisper into your sleeve MI5 style "hold fire!...I repeat, hold fire, it's not the target!"
Grin
Sunnyday321 · 14/03/2022 12:51

I can beat that : As a teenager , a random man once said to me - You'd be beautiful if you were thinner.
To my shame I scurried away. I wish I'd kicked him in the bollocks.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2022 12:52

Fuck off works quite well. I'm not generally a vulgar person but I can't stand this.

AlisonDonut · 14/03/2022 12:53

'We were all smiling til you showed up. Does this happen often to you?'

Butchyrestingface · 14/03/2022 12:53

I used to get it a lot as a youngster, but now I am a bit older and my appearance has settled into resting murder face, I can't remember the last time it happened.

**

LemonsLimes · 14/03/2022 13:00

I like the stranger danger reply Grin

CailleachGranda · 14/03/2022 13:01

I generally say "Sorry, I missed that, what did you say" a few times

Or fuck off

ValkyrieVik · 14/03/2022 13:05

"Why? Did you say something funny? you wanker?"

ValkyrieVik · 14/03/2022 13:08

My best friend met her husband this way! She said she'd normally have told him where to go but they started chatting. When we talked about how they met he said she looked so serious and it just came out. He said 'goes to show how great she is that she didn't just call me an idiot and tell me to f off'

Good for your friend. She married a misogynistic arsehole (slow clap...)

BunnyBerries · 14/03/2022 13:09

"Smile, love!"

  • take out phone camera and point it at them at which point their smile disappears
"So I can remember yours"

Or the classic..

  • "How RUUUUDE" (everyone looks at them)
BunnyBerries · 14/03/2022 13:20

and if you know the person

  • "tell us a joke, then?"
jadew88 · 14/03/2022 13:24

I have been known to say "I'm not a dog, I don't do tricks on command."

To me the worst thing is when they add "it might never happen!" And to that I always say "how do you know it hasn't already?" And usually they look uncomfortable.

Nopetryagain · 14/03/2022 13:27

I love the homeless one!

If your husband is telling you to smile I think you should tell him to fuck off. Or “I only smile when I think of divorce“ and then smile.

DameHelena · 14/03/2022 13:28

I may just be old/lacking energy/over it/all three, but I'd say you don't need to think of sparkling witty retorts. A pithy 'fuck off' should do it IMO.

Original poster
tympanic · 14/03/2022 13:28

@Thatswhyimacat

I agree that witty retorts are just embarrassing and never as clever or witty as people think they are.

That said, I laughed my head off when a friend was told to smile and she yelled STRANGER DANGER at the top of her lungs.

Love. It.

Alternatively, I could stow a small air horn in my handbag to blast at them.

OP posts:
Original poster
tympanic · 14/03/2022 13:30

@jadew88

I have been known to say "I'm not a dog, I don't do tricks on command."

To me the worst thing is when they add "it might never happen!" And to that I always say "how do you know it hasn't already?" And usually they look uncomfortable.

It’s like they all read from the same poorly researched playbook. They all say the same bloody thing.
OP posts: