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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My miscarriage is inconvenient for a friend

103 replies

LittleMrsMama · 13/03/2022 13:30

I had a miscarriage earlier this year and in my close group of friends one is pregnant a little before I was meant to be due. She was so lovely when I miscarried and sent flowers and a nice message.

Although it's been tough I've continued to join in with her celebrations (like gender reveal) and chat about her pregnancy. However, she said to one of the girls that she wishes I hadn't miscarried and wants me to get pregnant again soon because she feels it's been 'inconvenient' timing with attention on my miscarriage rather than her pregnancy.

I'm not sure why she feels this way. I've never spoken about my miscarriage in person, just when it happened to the group via text (they knew I was pregnant)

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 13/03/2022 13:31

Why did your mutual friend tell you this?!

BurntO · 13/03/2022 13:33

That sounds like a bizarre thing to say…who is this other friend? Why would they even repeat that to you?

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 13/03/2022 13:33

Who told you this and why are they shit stirring?

Pyri · 13/03/2022 13:34

Why did your mutual friend tell you this?

I’d actually talk to friend about it and ask what was actually said

Idontevenknow · 13/03/2022 13:35

Also interested in the motivations of the mutual friend?

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 13:36

This is a message passed on by another person, perhaps not with good intent. Be wary.

She might equally have said “I really wish LittleMM hadn’t miscarried because then we’d both be pregnant - I really hope she gets pregnant again soon” and the subsequent chat about ‘inconvenient timing’ might have been this ‘friend’ leading her into confessing irrational feelings…

Be wary of trusting third-hand information. Act with grace and assume best intentions unless you’re confident you know what you know.

Thesearmsofmine · 13/03/2022 13:37

I would want to know why the mutual friend felt they should tell you this. The word inconvenient is horrible in this context but who knows if she actually said that or if your mutual friend has embellished somewhat.

HereBdragons · 13/03/2022 13:37

Sorry for your loss OP.
Be careful how much you read into this. It’s info about a conversation you weren’t part of that had come 2nd hand, so you can’t be totally sure about exact wording and tone and things. If you value this friendship I’d ignore it. Take a short break from seeing your friend if things feel awkward or uncomfortable for you at the moment and come back to it when you feel ready.

Soapboxqueen · 13/03/2022 13:44

Sorry for your loss OP

As others have said I would be cautious about taking as read what this third party has said to you. Why would they say it? They'd have to know it would hurt you to hear it and with very little benefit to you.

Also, there's a chance your pregnant friend is just very aware that things might be painful for you and is worried about upsetting you. It may be playing on her mind more than she's letting on. She may be wishing you get pregnant again soon because she assumes your want to be pregnant again.

Or it could all be true and she's just a bitch 🤷🏻

Meandthesky · 13/03/2022 13:46

Your mutual friend doesn’t sound much like a friend to either of you. Even if it was true, what was the point of telling you except to shit stir?

NeverChange · 13/03/2022 13:48

I would be very suspicious of the mutual friends version of this.

I suspect your original friend is empathetic and would love for you to be pregnant again.

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/03/2022 13:53

@Loopytiles

Why did your mutual friend tell you this?!

This with bells on. Not sure I trust her at all.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 13/03/2022 13:56

The mutual friend sounds like a shit stirrer and I wouldn't trust anything she said.

She probably said she wished you didn't miscarry and the 'friend' added the extras to cause drama.

Harridan1981 · 13/03/2022 13:57

She probably said something like she hopes it works for you soon, you can be pregnant together, have joyful attention together etc.

Friend sounds like a shit stirrer, I'd be looking askance more at her than pregnant one.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/03/2022 13:58

If that was what was actually said,yanbu but it sounds unlikely to me.
More like she was concerned that her pregnancy might make things difficult or awkward for you/ friendship etc

saraclara · 13/03/2022 14:02

I'd bet a week's pension that the 'friend' has totally twisted what the pregnant friend said.

Walkingalot · 13/03/2022 14:02

Inconvenient is an odd word to use in this context. I'd also be wary of the friend giving it her own spin. Also, why would she tell you this unless she wanted you to be hurt by it. Sounds like you and your pregnant friend have behaved respectfully to each other in the circumstances.
I'd maybe distance myself from both of them for a bit and consider whether to say anything about it going forward.

GandTfortea · 13/03/2022 14:03

You don’t know for sure the person actually said this
You didn’t hear it with your own ears
The person repeating it ,should of not said anything to you ,it could be a pack of lies ,or misunderstanding.
Either way ,who ever told you is shit stirring
I’ve dropped friends for shit stirring,not interested in gossip at all.

ANUsernam · 13/03/2022 14:03

I also would be very wary of reading too much into this - and the friend who told you it unless you have other reasons to suspect the friend who's supposed to have said it.

It seems so close to possible wording that would have been expressing sympathy for you and concern about upsetting you with news of her own pregnancy i.e. that her pregnancy feels like bad timing given your miscarriage - two very similar things to say with very different intentions, that it's entirely possible that the friend has either misinterpreted what has said, or just badly reexpressed it.

And if it were exactly what the pregnant friend said, and intended, why is she knowingly telling you something which will hurt you at a time when you're already vulnerable?

Aria2015 · 13/03/2022 14:04

Why would you're mutual friend even tell you this? I'd be careful jumping to conclusions based on the fact you're hearing this second hand. It's also a bit of a contradiction isn't it? Saying the focus was on your miscarriage and not her pregnancy but also saying she wishes you'd get pregnant again? Surely that would also potentially take the focus of her pregnancy too? I'd be wary of this. If she's a good friend who has shown you support and kindness when you've needed it, don't blindly believe something you hear second hand. Most good friendships deserve more faith than that.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 13/03/2022 14:05

I'll be willing to bet that the 'friend' has told this woman edited highlights and exaggerations of your reply also.

girlmom21 · 13/03/2022 14:06

I'm almost certain that isn't what your friend said.

Aria2015 · 13/03/2022 14:08

*your not you're 😬

kiki22 · 13/03/2022 14:11

Even if the pregnant friend did say it she was talking in confidence to a friend about her feelings, we all have feelings and it's not a shock she would feel a miscarriage while she's pregnant is a shame because she will need to hold back her joy.

As long as she's not showing any sign of her feelings I would write it off as her venting her private feelings and being betrayed by the mutual friend.

However it's likely the mutual friend is stirring it because why would anyone think so pass this convo on unless they have bad intentions and I wouldn't trust it at all

carefullycourageous · 13/03/2022 14:11

@Meandthesky

Your mutual friend doesn’t sound much like a friend to either of you. Even if it was true, what was the point of telling you except to shit stir?

This this this.

I had a 'friend' tell me that someone else had said something unkind about me. I still have no idea if it was actually said, but one or both of them were clearly not kind people.

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