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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My miscarriage is inconvenient for a friend

103 replies

LittleMrsMama · 13/03/2022 13:30

I had a miscarriage earlier this year and in my close group of friends one is pregnant a little before I was meant to be due. She was so lovely when I miscarried and sent flowers and a nice message.

Although it's been tough I've continued to join in with her celebrations (like gender reveal) and chat about her pregnancy. However, she said to one of the girls that she wishes I hadn't miscarried and wants me to get pregnant again soon because she feels it's been 'inconvenient' timing with attention on my miscarriage rather than her pregnancy.

I'm not sure why she feels this way. I've never spoken about my miscarriage in person, just when it happened to the group via text (they knew I was pregnant)

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:

Bromse · 13/03/2022 14:13

I doubt that was actually said in those words, and context is everything. Please don't let this affect your friendship. The person who told you isn't a very good friend!

oakleaffy · 13/03/2022 14:15

Sounds like a garbled message to me.
I’d be wary of the so called “ messenger “ here , having got the wrong end of stick entirely.

SeptemberAlexandra · 13/03/2022 14:16

It could either be that the pregnant friend is not actually a friend at all or that the mutual friend has misinterpreted or is stirring. Only you know both friends and which of these will fit descriptions is most apt.

NameChanger45465465 · 13/03/2022 14:17

@Harridan1981

She probably said something like she hopes it works for you soon, you can be pregnant together, have joyful attention together etc.

Friend sounds like a shit stirrer, I'd be looking askance more at her than pregnant one.

My thoughts exactly.

The mutual friend sounds like a complete prick.

godmum56 · 13/03/2022 14:17

yup, that friend is no friend....even if she did say it, its not the sort of thing you pass on

GrimDamnFanjo · 13/03/2022 14:20

Someone kind enough to send you flowers is unlikely to have said exactly that. Put it out of your mind.

irishfarmer · 13/03/2022 14:20

I'm also confused as to why your friend told you. I'd say wires have been crossed. A good friend of mine announced she was pregnant not too long after my 2nd MC. She sent me a lovely message first. I knew by her she felt awkward telling me. Maybe your friend was saying she didn't want to be overly joyful in front of you.

Laniania · 13/03/2022 14:20

Yeah inconvenient may well have been a poor choice of words or not what she actually said and her real sentiments may well just have been that she is sad for you and hopes you get what you wish for soon. You don't know when you get it second hand. I'm sorry OP, v.sad situation for you and the last thing you need is someone stirring.

Jvg33 · 13/03/2022 14:22

Don't believe the mutual friend

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/03/2022 14:22

Does the mutual friend have a history of either misunderstanding things or of putting the worst possible interpretation on to an innocent but possibly badly phrased comment? Has she stirred up trouble between friends in the past?

Some people love to stir, it's a common thing among young teens and I think some people just never grow out of it. If your pregnant friend has always been kind and a good friend to you then I would give her the benefit of the doubt and be very cautious and sceptical about any information from the mutual friend.

KirstenBlest · 13/03/2022 14:23

Shoot the messenger

You don't know what the pregnant friend said, if she actially said anything. The mutual friend sounds like a spiteful cow

AlexaShutUp · 13/03/2022 14:26

Awful behaviour on the part of the mutual friend. Really inconsiderate towards you and a breach of the other friend's trust even if she did say what she said... and it's just as likely to have been represented.

I'm guessing that what she actually said was something along the lines of feeling that she can't fully enjoy her pregnancy because she feels bad for you, rather than suggesting that your miscarriage was inconvenient in some way. I'm very sorry for your loss, by the way.

I would be inclined to ask the mutual friend why she felt inclined to share this information with you.

IlFaitBeau · 13/03/2022 14:27

I hate shit-stirrers more than actual shit.

Sotired22 · 13/03/2022 14:30

I agree with others on this that you shouldn’t take this at face value and it was probably misconstrued or twisted for some reason. If your pregnant friend sent you flowers and a nice message when it happened then she clearly does care about you. I have been in the position of your friend before where my pregnancy continued when a friends didn’t (due the same month) and it’s an awkward position to be in because you feel guilty for being pregnant still and awkward about drawing any attention to it and are acutely aware that it must be hard for your friend watching your pregnancy continue as you get bigger etc. She may have just been expressing these feelings to the mutual friend and saying she hopes you get pregnant again soon because of course that’s what most people want for their friends after they’ve suffered a loss. No bad intentions there. I think the mutual friend is stirring or has taken this the wrong way and shouldn’t have relayed her version to you.

I’ve also suffered a miscarriage myself so know it’s painful and of course worse for you, but just saying that it’s a bit difficult being on your friends side too sometimes as you don’t want to cause someone upset. It’s happens all the time in friendships and can be a tricky one to navigate but sounds like it was all ok until your mutual friend decided to meddle….

Bunce1 · 13/03/2022 14:32

Yeah that didn’t happen.

You’ve got yourself one horrible shit stirring “friend” there.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 14:34

Mutual "friend" is a nasty piece of work.

burnoutbabe · 13/03/2022 14:34

inconvinient sounds a very odd word choice. I could understand her saying "awkward" as that makese more sense? (not that i would say it to the friend but i may use that phrasing when speaking to a 3rd party privvately)

shame on mutual friend really.

SummerInSun · 13/03/2022 14:35

Measure your friend by her actions, not a garbled account of something she may have said. Sounds like she is a good sensitive friend who appreciates that her pregnancy and the birth of her baby might be tough on you.

And good luck for your next pregnancy.

HelloBunny · 13/03/2022 14:35

People do say strange things when it comes to miscarriage... And everyone’s feeling around miscarriage / pregnancy are valid, as well. Even though it hurts.
My friend, before her second pregnancy, asked those of us who’d miscarried what it was like. Said she’d almost like to have one herself, just to get it over with. Before getting pregnant for real, of course. She had no idea...
Same friend said always remarks how I only wanted one. Thing is, I’d have two (just like her) if I hadn’t lost my first. So, yeah, people have funny ideas about miscarriage / pregnancy. Take no notice!

Simplelobsterhat · 13/03/2022 14:43

Sorry for your loss OP. My sister in law miscarried early in my pregnancy and I can imagine its possible I would have said something to a friend along the lines of it being bad timing because it made things even harder for my SIL, or that I was a little bit awkward about how much to talk about my pregnancy to her. All of that would have been said out of sympathy and concern for her, not complaining about it being a problem for me, but I guess it could be reported back 2nd hand as being 'inconvenient'. So it may not be as heartless as it sounds and like others I think your other friend was very insensitive to mention this to you.

On the other hand, is your pregnant friend the type who would want everything to be about her. I don't know anyone in real life who has made a big event of a gender reveal, so that does make me wonder...

You know your friends personalities - which seems more likely?

Thewindwhispers · 13/03/2022 14:46

It is AWFUL that the mutual friend oassed that on.

What was actually said wasn’t so bad. She wishes you hadn’t miscarried - well of course, we all do! She hopes you get pregnant again - I hope you do too 💐

I very much doubt she said “I want all of the attention” or anything like that. Your mutual friend is being shitty.

Aspidistra1 · 13/03/2022 14:59

I am so sorry for your loss.

One of my best friends was due on the same day as me and has sadly miscarried for the second time and I’m still pregnant. I wouldn’t use the word inconvenient but I do feel very sad for her and the timing is awful. I’m the exact amount of pregnant she would have been and the baby will be the exact age hers would have been always. She’s been so lovely about it but I feel bad for the additional pain and would so love her to be pregnant again and for it to work out because I know that’s what she wants. And it would be nice for our children to be similar ages. I very much hope this is more what you’re friend meant.

Twiglets1 · 13/03/2022 15:02

Your mutual friend was no friend in telling you something that was said in confidence. We all have feelings sometimes that are a bit selfish. We wouldn’t dream of saying them to the person involved and we may even be ashamed of them.
I would give your pregnant friend the benefit of the doubt and distance myself from the other one who told you something negative for no good reason

3peassuit · 13/03/2022 15:07

Beware stirrers. They never have your best interests at heart.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 13/03/2022 15:07

I had similar when I was pregnant and another friend miscarried but should have been at the same stage as me. It did make it all very 'awkward' - as in i was very conscious about my pregnancy and not wanting to talk about it in the way I otherwise might have. My concern was primarily for my friend but I can imagine how the message could have been twisted. I'm with those not trusting the motives of the mutual 'friend' regardless of what was originally said.

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