My miscarriage is inconvenient for a friend

[LittleMrsMama]

I had a miscarriage earlier this year and in my close group of friends one is pregnant a little before I was meant to be due. She was so lovely when I miscarried and sent flowers and a nice message.

Although it's been tough I've continued to join in with her celebrations (like gender reveal) and chat about her pregnancy. However, she said to one of the girls that she wishes I hadn't miscarried and wants me to get pregnant again soon because she feels it's been 'inconvenient' timing with attention on my miscarriage rather than her pregnancy.

I'm not sure why she feels this way. I've never spoken about my miscarriage in person, just when it happened to the group via text (they knew I was pregnant)

AIBU to be upset by this?

I think the conversation has been misconstrued. You said that this friend was kind when you suffered the miscarriage so she doesn’t have form for being nasty.

I remember finding it difficult to tell one of my friends that I was pregnant, because she’d suffered two miscarriages and I knew my news would hurt her. Happily, she became pregnant soon afterwards and had a beautiful baby girl a few weeks after I did. I think that’s what your friend wants for you as well. 💐

I have to think your friend probably said she wishes you were pregnant together. She was lovely after your miscarriage, and wants you to be pregnant again (which presumably would still take attention from her). I would give her the benefit of the doubt and question the friend that told you.

Firstly that’s a weird and not nice thing for someone to “tell” you, secondly given that, the whole meaning of the apparent statement by first friend is not available to you in the true sense, it could even be completely made up. Its certainly out of context. Try and ignore it.

I think I would perhaps speak to the friend (if you feel okay to do so) and say obviously it's difficult because your due the same time but they can talk about their pregnancy too. My SiL has been really considerate and not spoken much about her pregnancy unless I ask her (we were due the same week) and I know that will also have been hard for her when we were all together at Xmas as understandably she would want to be celebrating. The friend who told you this? Do they have form for perhaps saying what other people have said in confidence? It is a sensitive situation and it sounds more like your pregnant friend is feeling like she can't talk about her pregnancy too much and was just expressing her feelings (which are also valid). I think as long as she has been respectful that's all you can ask.

Probably a misunderstanding, seeing as she was so lovely to you after the miscarriage. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. To be honest I'd be more wary of the 'friend' that told you this conversation and wonder if she's trying to cause a rift.

Well you mutual friend isn’t a friend for telling you this

I sort of get what your friend says, she may think she has to be more careful than she would do if you hadn’t had your loss, but then again she’s not a friend to actually say this to someone

because she feels it's been 'inconvenient' timing with attention on my miscarriage rather than her pregnancy
I doubt v much that this is what she said. Be careful what you believe.

3rd hand information is suspect, agree with PP, go with how your pg friend interacts with you face to face, not rumours of something she said possibly very out of context.

I have a dark sense of humour & could say someone else's problem was inconvenient not because I don't care but because I do care but wouldn't know how to proceed with my excitement if they were feeling disappointed and sad. Other people's emotions are often inconvenient, this is true.

Sounds like Chinese whispers to me ... more likely the friend mentioned it was a shame you weren't going through pregnancy together and they hoped you would get pregnant again soon so your little ones are close in age. She may have said it's such a shame but I don't think the wording is likely

This sounds like an interpretation of what your friend said, not what she said.

I don't mean to be overly wokey, but I don't think "Chinese whispers" is a very nice expression.

I mean no disrespect to gogohm--I know your intentions were 100 percent positive.

What other phrase can we use for a message that gets distorted from point to point?

My first thought, is that the person who told yoy this is the shit stirrer.

That could have been said by your friend in a worried anxious or caring for you way.
Of course she wishes you could be pregnant too or again. Of course it's awkward, of course she'll feel a guilt celebrating & if she's a good friend will feel worried about how the birth will affect you.

The person who told us no friend of either of you imho

@gogohm

Sounds like Chinese whispers to me ... more likely the friend mentioned it was a shame you weren't going through pregnancy together and they hoped you would get pregnant again soon so your little ones are close in age. She may have said it's such a shame but I don't think the wording is likely

Just to agree with PP that is a really racist term.

The history of how the name came about is available on many sites and very easy to look up.

Probably best to report your post and repeat without the racism.

@DrSbaitso

What other phrase can we use for a message that gets distorted from point to point?

Miscommunicated, misheard, exaggerated, misunderstood... there are lots of ways to say something without resorting to racist and offensive terms.

So what is tbe children’s game ‘Chinese Whispers’ now called?

< genuine question >

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

So what is tbe children’s game ‘Chinese Whispers’ now called?

< genuine question >

There are lots of names for it, pass it on, pass the message, telephone, whispers are a few my kids have used through the years but there are probably lists if you Google it.

Agree with every single PP that the "mutual friend" is a shit stirrer and should be avoided.

Mutual friend is horrible for passing that on however it was said.

I was in your pregnant friend’s position in that one of my close friends had recently had a miscarriage when I got pregnant. One of my first thoughts was how bad I felt that my pregnancy might be painful for her (however good she was at putting on a brave face). Unless she’s the kind of person who says horrible things for no reason usually then don’t read too much into it. Maybe you could gently bring up that mutual friend had mentioned she was feeling uncomfortable around you and not to be at all. Yes it would drop mutual friend in it but honestly she deserves it.

the wording sounds 'off' to me.

Id be careful about listening to who told you this, but I would have a conversation with friend A about it anyway.

Your mutual friend is no friend.

Your pregnant friend likely said something sympathetic.

Yet another person who does not believe that your "friend" accurately reported what was said.

A friend of mine had a "friend" like that who really did make up nasty things to get people to fall out with each other.

Whether she said it or not, the mutual friend has just caused upset by repeating it and must have known they would have done.

You should judge people by their actions. In your OP you say one friend was lovely to you and about her friend has told you something unkind that can have only hurt you. Which friend do you think you should be upset with?

Had a very similar situation years ago when I was ttc and had suffered a mc.
Later found out the person telling me was/is a drama queen and deliberately words things in a twisted way to cause upset. She is still at this carry on with what few friend she has left.

What was actually said by my friend who was pregnant at the time was that she felt awful as we were due around the same time and she didn’t want me to feel like she was flaunting her pregnancy and baby. She hoped I would get pregnant soon with our much longed for baby.
There were other people there who also heard the conversation and relay the actual truth.

Unless your pregnant friend has form for being nasty I would be careful believing the other one entirely.

I hope you’re ok op. I remember the time and it was very difficult. So many people were getting pregnant around me and I felt rotten. I put on my best face at birth celebrations etc but it was tough going xx