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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My miscarriage is inconvenient for a friend

103 replies

LittleMrsMama · 13/03/2022 13:30

I had a miscarriage earlier this year and in my close group of friends one is pregnant a little before I was meant to be due. She was so lovely when I miscarried and sent flowers and a nice message.

Although it's been tough I've continued to join in with her celebrations (like gender reveal) and chat about her pregnancy. However, she said to one of the girls that she wishes I hadn't miscarried and wants me to get pregnant again soon because she feels it's been 'inconvenient' timing with attention on my miscarriage rather than her pregnancy.

I'm not sure why she feels this way. I've never spoken about my miscarriage in person, just when it happened to the group via text (they knew I was pregnant)

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
Chely · 13/03/2022 15:12

Joint friend has got their big spoon out to stir things up there. I would be more upset with that one than the pregnant one, complete dick.

LizzoBennett · 13/03/2022 15:12

I don't trust your source as PPs have said. What was their motive in telling you? They sound spiteful and jealous of your friendship. Perhaps she was hoping that the miscarriage and her pregnancy might cause you to drift apart. Who knows.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/03/2022 15:13

Mutual 'friend' is no friend to either of you in my opinion..!

Not only have details been passed on of a conversation that could reasonably have been expected to be private, but it also seems to have been done maliciously with the sole intention of causing drama and distress.

I would let your nice pregnant friend know what has happened so that you can both keep this person at arm's length. Best wishes to you 💐

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 13/03/2022 15:19

Your mutual friend is horrid!!!

Cherrysoup · 13/03/2022 15:22

No way would a real friend say this. What a bloody disgrace. This mutual’friend’ is a bitch.

BankingOnChange · 13/03/2022 15:26

she said to one of the girls...

Don't ask yourself why friend A said what she did.

Ask yourself why she felt comfortable enough to say it to friend B. And even more so, why friend B would tell you something so hurtful and upsetting.

The friend who apparently received this information is a snake and the bigger problem here op x

Makeitsoso · 13/03/2022 15:32

Honestly your mutual friend sounds like she is stirring. Probably the other friend said something like how nice it would have been to be pregnant together and that it’s sad you experienced a miscarriage. She wouldn’t have said it to you. Other friend is exaggerating and didn’t need to tell you in the first place.

ddl1 · 13/03/2022 15:36

I am sorry for your loss.

It sounds to me as though most likely the mutual 'friend' is trying to make trouble.

Incognito32 · 13/03/2022 15:40

Second what everyone else said. I would be hugely mistrusting the friend that told you. She sounds like the bitch in all this!

MarthaFokker · 13/03/2022 15:42

Sounds like shit stirring to me.

I'd also be very surprised if the words she used was 'inconvenient timing'.

If she feels close enough to you to send flowers, she's probably close enough for you to speak to her and find out what she actually said.

UnsuitableHat · 13/03/2022 15:43

Agree with others - mutual friend is the one I'd be most concerned about. Other friend may not have said this in the way it sounds. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

WonderfulYou · 13/03/2022 15:43

I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s wondering about the mutual friend.

Sounds like the friend said something meant to be nice and friend has either taken it the wrong way or is stirring maybe because you’re both getting more attention than her.

Forget about it and move on.

MaChienEstUnDick · 13/03/2022 15:45

I was pregnant at the same time as a very dear friend who was also my boss. She lost her much-wanted baby, but had to continue to do things like plan my maternity leave, sort out my cover, hand-over and all the box ticking that comes with line management. She handled it so well, I was in awe of her strength then as much as I am now.

However I did have a conversation with a mutual friend about how difficult and awkward things must feel FOR MY BOSS/FRIEND which could easily have been relayed back to her in exactly the same way, now I come to think about it. Total shit-stirring. Ignore and treat shit-stirrer with caution from now on.

Hankunamatata · 13/03/2022 15:49

Your mutual friend sounds like a pain the in the arse deliberately stiring bad feelings. Pregnant friend could have easily just meant it's really awkward being pregnant while you have had miscarriage

PegasusReturns · 13/03/2022 15:51

Your “friend” who passed on the message is a bitch.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 13/03/2022 15:53

What does your mutual ‘friend’ stand to gain from driving a wedge between you, I wonder?

You said that she was kind and thoughtful when you miscarried. Judge her by those actions, not hearsay.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 13/03/2022 15:56

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. It'll be no consolation for you to know that I lost my first at 22 weeks, and my third was already gone by my first scan. My second is alive and kicking and almost 30.
There is miscommunication here, possibly deliberate, possibly a misunderstanding. Good for you for carrying on participating in your friend's pregnancy highs, I admire you so much for your grace.
Flowers Flowers

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 13/03/2022 16:01

I really don't think that's true interpretation of what she said. The mutual friend may have misunderstood, or have some mal intentions, imo.

Looubylou · 13/03/2022 16:07

I hope you are OK, OP. The chances of your friend using those words are minimal. The mutual friend is not a friend to either of you in my opinion. Your friend might have said something along the lines of her pregnancy celebrations being less joyful due to your loss,and being mindful of your feelings, but I doubt it was said unkindly. Your mutual friend however, is unkind to both of you, to share what she has, true or not 💐

Insidelaurashead · 13/03/2022 16:12

OPs friend may have said 'there's never a good time to have a miscarriage but now must be such an inconvenient time for OP because I'm at a similar stage of pregnancy as she would have been, and she may well, understandably, find it even more difficult. I really want to make sure I don't rub it in her face even though I'm so excited, I also love my friend and wouldn't ever want to hurt her. Do you think XYZ is a good idea?'

Shit stirrer friend' OP, pregnant friend said your miscarriage was inconvent'

Yes, she said those exact words, but context I'd everything. I very much doubt the pregnant friend said 'OPs miscarriage is inconvenient, she's stealing all MY attention' or something equally nasty.

OP, I've been there, I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it hurts so much. I wish you all the best

Crikeyalmighty · 13/03/2022 16:14

I would take it with a pinch of salt— your friend may have said nothing of the sort.

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 13/03/2022 16:17

As everyone has said: absolutely no need for the "friend" to bring it up.

DrSbaitso · 13/03/2022 16:32

Just adding my voice to those saying the stirrer is the problem and she's the one you should be confronting and dumping.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/03/2022 16:33

she feels it's been 'inconvenient' timing with attention on my miscarriage rather than her pregnancy

If this is true, she's not a friend.
Mutual friend isn't a friend if it's true or not.

Fernandina · 13/03/2022 16:41

Yes, I agree with others and I'd be wondering whether:

a - this other friend may have misconstrued a conversation between them and the pregnant one, and

b - what their motives are for telling you about it.