Family not taking no for an answer when I have covid

[Twentyn1ne]

I'm laid up with covid, feeling very unwell and have chest pain. I have 3 small sick children also. We're all hibernating in the bedroom.

My mother, who is a binge drinker, was supposed to come round two weeks ago to collect some bits she left here. Bus pass, phone charger etc.

She didn't turn up as she went on a binge and had everyone worried about her. As usual.

Fast forward to yesterday, my birthday, she decides she wants to come and collect her things. I told her she can't, I have covid and I'm not dealing with her right now.

Today my aunt rings and says they are coming at 2.30 regardless, I can just hand them over at the door.

I said no, sorry, not dealing with it I'm too ill. She's had weeks to come.

They refuse to listen to me and are planning on turning up regardless.

WIBU to just ignore the door?

Blossom I totally agree with you. Having an alcoholic parent is shit.

@Twentyn1ne

I am putting the stuff on the door step, I'm not going to withhold it. I'm just really annoyed that they're making these demands of me today.

I realise you are doing what I was saying to do I'm sorry they are making demands and I didn't mean my post to come off as bad towards you, or really wasn't.

I see you have replied to a poster who 'divorced' their mum mentally - I also did this but i told her I no longer wanted to see her. She was ok. The thing with your mum and her drinking is she will either be ok or not, but it won't change no matter what level of contact you have with her. Be kind to yourself, be strong and cut the mental stress out.

50/50 if they come round.

Is the stuff to hand?
If you are so inclined & at your leisure, stick the stuff in a cheap plakky bag. Yesterday’s potato peelings & used tea bags an optional extra ‘cos it’s the only bag you’ve got.

If they ring the bell, open an upstairs window & lob the bag at them.
Close window.
Job done.
No further communication.
This is entirely reasonable.

If you must communicate…

‘Are you deaf? I said No!’

Don’t cough on the bus pass, lick it.

Maybe not…

She just called. I said are you almost here and she said no she's just waiting for the bus (so she has a spare oyster card clearly)

I said "once again I asked you to give me a few days why weren't you listening to me"

"ITS MY FUCKING STUFFFFFFF" she goes "JANE SAID YOU TOLD HER WE COULD COME AT 2.30"

I told her "I didn't say that at all, I told her specifically not to come and she's deliberately overruling me"

"Ww..ww..well what am I going to do then" she says then goes off on a tangent and puts the phone down.

They'll be arguing amongst themselves now because my mother will be asking 'jane' why she told her that I said its OK to come.

Full on shouting in the street I guarantee it.

I hope she does turn up and get it. I might have forgotten to wash my hands before packing the bag. Oops.

They sound truly delightful

I hope it’s on the doorstep and don’t go bringing it inside - it’s not your problem and it can stay there until they come. No need to even think about it here on.

I hate them so much. Why couldn't I have just been born into a normal family. I've worked so hard to break the cycle of dysfunction and yet there they are, a stark reminder that I'm forever tied to the degenerate Adams family.

Don't let there be a next time. Are your kids really going to miss a dysfunctional alcoholic grandmother? Sooner or later they will wonder what's wrong with her, why she's acting strange. You don't want that in their lives and you can finally break that cycle.

Some people have no experience of the selfish, self-centred actions of alcoholics. Alcoholics often never consider how their actions affect others. They don't consider others at all - or have limited capacity to think of the impact of their choices.

They see themselves as always the star of the show - everyone else is a lackey or cast in minor roles and fades into the background. To them - you are not important.

@Twentyn1ne Those with 'normal' parents are just never going to get it...ever. I'm 53 and I've wasted DECADES trying to get people in my life - husbands, partners, friends etc - to understand why I don't even like, let alone love, my parents. They don't seem to understand that it's not mandatory to, especially if you've been abused by them.

I went NC with my father 32 years ago, and LC with my mother 26 years ago. It's easy because I live on the other side of the world from her (deliberately). I make a phone call to check she's still alive every month or so. I haven't actually seen her in the flesh in 13 years. For the sake of my own mental health that's they way it HAS to be.

Block them both after she's got her crap back. I hope you and your children feel better soon.

I really feel for you @Twentyn1ne

I've read previous posts of yours. You have absolutely been put through the ringer by both of these women. Even when you are ill with Covid, looking after small poorly children on your own, they still ride roughshod over you.

Your dp will be home this evening. If he is due in work over the next few days, text him now and tell him that you will need him at home. Not working from home. At home, looking after the dc so that you can get the rest you need.

I have one question for you... What more will it take for you to remove your mother and aunt from your life?

She's been and gone, they didn't knock thankfully so the kids didn't know she was there. Phew. I was gearing up for an epic meltdown from DS.

I'm in awe of those of you who have gone NC or very LC to the point that they can't disrupt your lives. I've tried and failed to do the same a handful of times.

NC was particularly hard, I was always caving after
a couple of months when the worry that she might be laying dead somewhere became more stressful than hearing or seeing her pissed and belligerent.

People have been making her my problem since I was about 7 years old (i was a young carer) so it's literally breaking a habit of a lifetime to completely disengage and goes against everything I've ever known and had instilled in me.

She doesn't care about me though, so I shouldn't care about her neither.

@CagneyNYPD1

I really feel for you *@Twentyn1ne*

I've read previous posts of yours. You have absolutely been put through the ringer by both of these women. Even when you are ill with Covid, looking after small poorly children on your own, they still ride roughshod over you.

Your dp will be home this evening. If he is due in work over the next few days, text him now and tell him that you will need him at home. Not working from home. At home, looking after the dc so that you can get the rest you need.

I have one question for you... What more will it take for you to remove your mother and aunt from your life?

DP is off work on Monday thankfully, so that'll be really helpful and I'll be able to relax a bit more.

Yes they've both put me through sheer hell, time and time again. Whenever I manage to extract myself to a certain degree I'm lured back in because mum's in crisis, or something has happened. I'm nothing more than a useful inconvenience they can call on when they want somebody to stress out.

To answer your question, I really don't know. I think if somebody was to tell me that my children are suffering due to my relationship with her, that would do it.

I've managed to shield them from her rubbish for the most part so that the only grandma they know is the sober, fun one.

They are getting bigger though and as much as I try not to let them see me stressed or upset she clearly will pick up on things won't they.

Low contact is easiest if you live many hours away. You can just kind of quietly drift and they don’t really notice since they are off in their own self-obsessed world. Even set rules like never being alone with the kids, one I highly recommend for all alcoholic health parents, and since all visits involve travel you never have to make a big stand about it.

I put very strong boundaries up and eventually managed to stick with them. Distance helps because they can't just drop in unannounced.

I find I have the same sort of issues with partners, friends, work colleagues etc and I think I've been conditioned to put up with crap from people from a young age and not known better.

I don't shield my child so much anymore because they get taken in by the facade and are used against 'meanie' mummy!

Those suggesting the OPs mother could help with the sick dc are either thick, live in very privileged bubble or really didn't read or understand the OP.

This is not the sort of mother who comes to help when you're sick, who pops an apron on does the dishes and and bakes some scones, this is the sort of mother who at best turns up and expects you to listen to her problems and make her lunch, you give her bus fare and fag money to get rid of her. At worst she disappears for a few days or has a crisis so the attention is on her.

Your children are suffering because they are seeing their mother being upset by all of it. You may not think they are picking up on it, but believe me, they are.

NC is fucking hard, so is LC. I doubt there is a day that goes by, especially now that I'm menopausal, that I wish to God I'd had a normal family, a normal childhood, normal parents. Seeing my partner and ex husband interacting with their parents makes me so jealous...I don't even try to pretend that I'm not.

@drawingpad It's amazing how you can be so self righteous towards a woman, an adult child of an addict, sick and whose family cannot respect the barest minimum of boundaries. You have absolutely zero idea if this woman physically, emotionally or financially abused her all through childhood simply due to the misfortune of who her parents are.

It's amazing how you can be so self righteous towards a woman, an adult child of an addict, sick and whose family cannot respect the barest minimum of boundaries. You have absolutely zero idea if this woman physically, emotionally or financially abused her all through childhood simply due to the misfortune of who her parents are.

I honestly wasn't meaning to be self righteous I just took it at face value (give the stuff they will leave alone) because that's all I see. You are correct though I have no idea if OP has suffered any of the abuse you mention through childhood but equally you have no idea if I have been through any of that. If you are to use 'you don't know the background' as a reason not to comment to someone then please apply it to yourself also. In addition I have said to OP I didn't want to make her feel bad.

@drawingpad If you are a victim of an addicted parent (or any parental abuse) you most definitely wouldn't have posted what you did, period.

[quote EKGEMS]@drawingpad If you are a victim of an addicted parent (or any parental abuse) you most definitely wouldn't have posted what you did, period. [/quote]

I'm sorry, but this is utter bullshit. I'm not here to be a victim on someone else's thread but you can't judge my background based on a post on here. Please just leave this. Whatever you are trying to do, and for whatever reason, almost certainly isn't going to be helpful to OP.

Your children are indeed suffering. All the time, attention , head space, tears, lying in bed awake in the wee hours, the energy you spend is all being taken away from your own dc.

All that effort you put into making sure that they only see sober Grandma. You are still covering for her. It must be exhausting.

Your childhood was robbed from you because if her addictions. And now it will be impacting on your dc. It really will be.

@CagneyNYPD1

Your children are indeed suffering. All the time, attention , head space, tears, lying in bed awake in the wee hours, the energy you spend is all being taken away from your own dc.

All that effort you put into making sure that they only see sober Grandma. You are still covering for her. It must be exhausting.

Your childhood was robbed from you because if her addictions. And now it will be impacting on your dc. It really will be.

Fortunately I moved 100 miles from my mum as an adult. So when my DDs saw her (not very often) they didn't see what I'd grown up with. She was just granny (albeit not a very hands on one, but that was fine with me). And I never said a word.

Then, when my youngest was about 20, my brother told her all about it, not realising that I'd never said anything to them. You can't hide these things forever. And it turned out that though they were horrified at what my DB and I had gone through as children, it wasn't like scales falling from their eyes.
Unbeknownst to me, they'd already formed their own opinion of their granny, and they weren't exactly surprised. Their other GM was wonderful, and they'd quietly measured my DM against her throughout, even though she'd largely behaved herself in front of them.

How many more times are you going to post about your alcoholic mother before you actually do what posters have told you a million times before and go no contact. Stop replying to her, stop messaging her and if she keeps turning up on the doorstep then report her every single time for harassment until she gets the message.

This constant circle of events isn't good for you or your kids