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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry over this?

115 replies

Ratsindahouse · 13/03/2022 07:54

So my eldest SS is 19. He currently lives at home and is working around 24 hours a week. We don’t ask for rent or anything and he is hopefully going to uni in September. He has issues with anxiety and had to leave uni due to a meltdown.
Yesterday, I made a full cooked breakfast. Not sure what he had for lunch, he may not have had any. He had a large chicken and mushroom risotto with garlic bread for dinner. Probably also had lots of other snacks during the day, there are always lots of snacks here and I don’t police this. I went downstairs in the early hours and he was obviously half cut. On looking this morning I can see that almost half of the box of expensive bottled lager I bought on friday has gone. The oven was on the pizza setting and I asked him why. He said that he was going to put a roll in the oven or some garlic bread. It was obvious to me that he was lying about this as we don’t have any rolls in the house and you wouldn’t put the oven on pizza setting for that. I asked him why he needed that as he had a large dinner and said that he didn’t need pizza as well. I had done a large shop on Friday and bought 4 relatively expensive pizzas for another meal. He said that he wasn’t having pizza but on getting up this morning I can see the empty box in recycling.
So aibu to be angry about this and want to make it clear that he cannot just take what he likes, when he likes? I know this won’t go well as my husband will always take his side and say he can have whatever he wants, we have argued about this in the past. I am always made to feel like a complete cow if I tell him off for anything but don’t get the same reaction if I tell off bio child.
A few weeks ago, there were 2 prepared dinners left in the fridge and he ate both, one for lunch and one for dinner, I didn’t want to cook as was tired after decorating so ended up having cereal. Had an argument with dh over this where I was apparently unreasonable for being pissed off.
I’m especially annoyed because I had a chat with SS this week about the fact our energy bill is going up from £316 pm to £867 and that we are going to have to be more careful with money.
Voting enabled - yes IABU because he is 19 and hungry all the time. No IANBU - one dinner plus cooked breakfast is enough and if he is still hungry he should eat cereal, toast or order himself takeaway and pay from his own money!

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 13/03/2022 08:00

I think you should ask him to contribute towards food

Hurrylittlefroggy · 13/03/2022 08:05

There's no reason at all on this earth why an adult man who is working shouldn't be paying towards bills and food. I think asking him to buy his own food will cause an argument so push for him to be paying keep. Even £50 a week will help.

Datsandcogs · 13/03/2022 08:05

I don’t think he should contribute towards food.

I think he should buy his own food and be invited to join family meals, so he has no right to binge on food that would otherwise be a family meal. Free access to the staples like bread and milk, with maybe some emergency frozen pizza too.

Bywayofanupdate · 13/03/2022 08:05

I would be furious. I meal plan and don't have time to deviate. When my older son was still at home he had all meals with us and otherwise he knew what he was allowed to help himself to (set shelves in the fridge and cupboards) and anything else he wanted, including booze, he bought himself.

Palavah · 13/03/2022 08:11

Totally reasonable that he doesn't eat stuff you've prepared for other meals, but don't make it a judgement on whether he should or should not be hungry.
By all means treat him like an adult and expect him to take adult responsibility. Don't tell him he's not hungry.

TacoCats · 13/03/2022 08:14

Not unreasonable to expect him not to eat stuff for meals, but very unreasonable to say he's not hungry when clearly he was otherwise he wouldn't of cooked anything...

Maybe take him food shopping with you in future, so he can buy himself extra snacks/food and make him his own cupboard for it then limit off the other dinner items from him.

LittleMG · 13/03/2022 08:20

He’s very inconsiderate, I had the same arrangement with my mum and dad and loved at home til 26. I used to just check with mum if she wanted something and me and my sister wouldn’t take the last say yoghurt in the fridge without checking no one wanted it. I also contributed as soon as I worked. He needs to pay and then he’ll realise how much he’s eating!

SockFluffInTheBath · 13/03/2022 08:21

YANBU he needs to chip in or buy his own. Maybe make your DH responsible for meals for a month and see how he gets on with finding most of the planned meals’ ingredients have been munched.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 13/03/2022 08:21

I would be asking for a contribution towards food.

I have a 17yo who does this, last year we had a fall out about it as she had got up during the night and eaten most of the ingredients that were to go
I'm the next days dinner. I made a rule that you can have anything you like as long as it's not on the meal plan for that week!

She was doing ok with that until I went to make a mustard cream sauce last week and there was no cream. She had got up in the night and got the last slice of her dads birthday cake and had it with the entire pot of cream! I was fuming and made her go to the shop and replace it.

Maybe do the same with SS? He needs to go replace the expensive pizza.

Original poster

Ratsindahouse · 13/03/2022 08:22

@TacoCats

Not unreasonable to expect him not to eat stuff for meals, but very unreasonable to say he's not hungry when clearly he was otherwise he wouldn't of cooked anything...

Maybe take him food shopping with you in future, so he can buy himself extra snacks/food and make him his own cupboard for it then limit off the other dinner items from him.

I don’t think I denied that he was hungry tho? I asked him not to have the pizza. Was perfectly happy for him to make himself a sandwich, toast or cereal? I’m just narked because this keeps happening, he constantly helps himself to whatever he wants on top of all the meals we have as a family.

OP posts:

flounfer · 13/03/2022 08:23

our energy bill is going up from £316 pm to £867

10k on energy a yr!!

Eyerollerhighroller · 13/03/2022 08:25

Your energy bill is going up to over £800?????

Loopytiles · 13/03/2022 08:26

Agree with PPs, get away from commenting on what he ‘needs’ to eat.

YANBU to set boundaries, eg it’s not OK to consume meal items, ingredients or alcohol. If DH doesn’t agree to that, he’s unreasonable, especially if he’s not the one meal planning, shopping and cooking. Ignoring the issue would be unfair on the rest of the family and not actually helping DSS.

flounfer · 13/03/2022 08:26

My parents provided & shopped for food for me at that age & the house was never empty. However if I wanted extra food I would buy it out of my money.

porridgecrumble · 13/03/2022 08:26

Thinking back to when my sons were mid to late teens, we had a system in place where family meals were planned and eaten at meal times. Extra food in between was things like sandwiches and pasta with home made fillings and sauces. Wholemeal carbs and lots of vegetables. Beans on toast, peanut butter sandwiches, baked potatoes. Inexpensive but filling.
Of course, everyone has to agree.
The lying and the excessive alcohol consumption is worrying and his dad needs to address that.

swapsicles · 13/03/2022 08:30

I too have a 19 year old, they get hungry at random times!
I'd ask for rent money and just make it clear that certain items are off limits, maybe anything but the top shelf in the freezer for example.
As long as Dd is living with me she is part of the family and almost everything is shared, they'll always be something that gets nibbled that I was looking forward too occasionally but teenagers are often forgetful or just unthinking, I can't get too mad about it.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 08:30

I would ask for some money towards his keep.
Then I would have a shelf in a cupboard and a bit of the freezer dedicated to junky snack food like pizza and his beer. He can't have anything else without checking first. I'd be annoyed by the lying also.

Ponoka7 · 13/03/2022 08:30

I wouldn't want to be living on cereal. I don't eat it at all though. Both him and your DH need to get more involved in the shopping. If he fancied a drink, he should have his own stash. Cheap pizza, can be bought if he's eating to soak up the ale.
How are you actually addressing this and 'telling him off'? He's an adult and should be treated as one. If you aren't happy with your financial arrangements, address that with your DH first. At this age my DD was buying her own food.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 08:31

What @swapsicles said basically

Ponoka7 · 13/03/2022 08:31

You were trying to police what he eats and you should certainly not be doing that.

Change123today · 13/03/2022 08:32

It’s difficult as like you I have a snacks that I don’t police but meal plan so if my daughter isn’t around for dinner then she needs to sort herself out! What I have found works is a few cheap pizza & bag of frozen chips in the freezer, tins of those hot dog sausages & pasta sauce (I also bulk buy pasta!) . All cheap items and I will never eat them!

Since I’ve done this it helps as both daughters can sort themselves out. Not the most healthy of choices but simple and cheap and less arguing!

BurntO · 13/03/2022 08:32

He shouldn’t be helping himself to your alcohol. I can’t get bothered about the pizza…he’s allowed to be hungry after dinner and make himself some food but above all he should absolutely be contributing towards food and bills. Even on minimum wage he’s got to be coming away with about £700 pm.

Original poster

Ratsindahouse · 13/03/2022 08:33

@Eyerollerhighroller

Your energy bill is going up to over £800?????

Yep! I’m amazed at this too and need to check it with octopus! Don’t get me started on this though, kids constantly leave tvs, lights etc on and go to bed leaving me to go around and turn everything off. Washing machine and Tumble dryer on 3 times a day won’t help but they wear their clothes once and put in the wash immediately even tho I’ve asked them not to and explained they are not necessarily dirty after 1 wear. Work clothes, uniforms and casual clothes. Very old boiler that is is probably uneconomical and a listed house with single pane windows I can’t change. Going to have to turn the heating off but honestly even with the heating on my house is literally freezing all the time! Im so depressed at the thought of no heating at all ever that I’m considering moving now. There are so many behaviours that need changing but Whenever I try to address them it leads to an argument between me and dh.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 13/03/2022 08:34

Pizza was posh ones and for a family meal: hardly a ‘nibble’ or ‘snack’.

HollowTalk · 13/03/2022 08:35

@Ponoka7

You were trying to police what he eats and you should certainly not be doing that.

If she's paying for it then of course she can! He's not going to be eating two dinners in one evening when he's paying for it at uni.

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