AIBU to be angry over this?

[Ratsindahouse]

So my eldest SS is 19. He currently lives at home and is working around 24 hours a week. We don’t ask for rent or anything and he is hopefully going to uni in September. He has issues with anxiety and had to leave uni due to a meltdown.
Yesterday, I made a full cooked breakfast. Not sure what he had for lunch, he may not have had any. He had a large chicken and mushroom risotto with garlic bread for dinner. Probably also had lots of other snacks during the day, there are always lots of snacks here and I don’t police this. I went downstairs in the early hours and he was obviously half cut. On looking this morning I can see that almost half of the box of expensive bottled lager I bought on friday has gone. The oven was on the pizza setting and I asked him why. He said that he was going to put a roll in the oven or some garlic bread. It was obvious to me that he was lying about this as we don’t have any rolls in the house and you wouldn’t put the oven on pizza setting for that. I asked him why he needed that as he had a large dinner and said that he didn’t need pizza as well. I had done a large shop on Friday and bought 4 relatively expensive pizzas for another meal. He said that he wasn’t having pizza but on getting up this morning I can see the empty box in recycling.
So aibu to be angry about this and want to make it clear that he cannot just take what he likes, when he likes? I know this won’t go well as my husband will always take his side and say he can have whatever he wants, we have argued about this in the past. I am always made to feel like a complete cow if I tell him off for anything but don’t get the same reaction if I tell off bio child.
A few weeks ago, there were 2 prepared dinners left in the fridge and he ate both, one for lunch and one for dinner, I didn’t want to cook as was tired after decorating so ended up having cereal. Had an argument with dh over this where I was apparently unreasonable for being pissed off.
I’m especially annoyed because I had a chat with SS this week about the fact our energy bill is going up from £316 pm to £867 and that we are going to have to be more careful with money.
Voting enabled - yes IABU because he is 19 and hungry all the time. No IANBU - one dinner plus cooked breakfast is enough and if he is still hungry he should eat cereal, toast or order himself takeaway and pay from his own money!

Tumble dryer on 3 times a day

How

@Ponoka7

You were trying to police what he eats and you should certainly not be doing that.

I’m not trying to be goady here but why? If he had bought it then absolutely not but if he doesn’t have to contribute financially why am I not allowed to ask him not to eat a pizza I had bought for a meal? If your dd was buying her own food at the same age am I not allowed to ask him not to eat something? I’ve never said he has to live on cereal but had already had 2 cooked meals that day? I really don’t feel like we are starving him?

If your DH is happy for your SS to eat things that have already been set aside as family meals, when you cook the family meal just leave DH out so he is the one inconvenienced and maybe he will find it within himself to support what you're trying to achieve.

So, should have been 4 expensive pizzas for your family. You get one, the child who didn't already eat one gets one, and DH and SS get half a pizza each. When they ask why you explain that they collectively created the issue, they didn't see anything wrong with it, but actions have consequences and this is the consequences.

If SS eats portions of other prepared meals and your DH thinks that's okay, then he and SS get served beans on toast (or cook their own) while you and the other child have the rest of the pre prepared meal.

At 19 he's old enough to understand that actions have consequences, and your DH needs to feel these as well as his attitude seems to be allowing SS to think he's immune.

I do also agree with others that a stash of cheap pizzas would be good. But if he wants beer he needs to buy his own.

Does you DH not want him to contribute?

The ‘stash of snacks’ approach is one thing for minors, but this is a young adult! With ambitions to live independently in the near future.

@flounfer

Tumble dryer on 3 times a day

How

4 kids. 2 shower twice a day and tend to put towels straight in wash. Uniforms, work clothes for oldest boys, then change into casual clothes that they then put in wash. It’s a fine line and have tried addressing it but it falls on deaf ears. Once they have put the relatively clean clothes in with wet towels and dirty clothes I have no choice but to wash them!

I said YABU. I said that because as I was reading your OP I started to think that you were talking about a SS, not your own flesh and blood, so I went back to check, and yes, I had missed the SS the first time. So I voted YABU because even to me it was obvious that you didn't care much for "your" child, and if it is obvious to me from reading a few lines of your post, then it must be obvious to your unfortunately, not so D, SS.

Of course there should be family rules about not just taking food from the fridge or cupboards, agreed to by all of those in the family who are old enough to have an understanding of all the relevant issues. So please have a family discussion which includes all the 14 year old + aged people in the family. It is important that all decisions of this sort are made at one time, and with all the members of the family present who will be effected by them.

I get the frustration. I am busy, I meal plans and shop. My dds used to do this sort of thing. One of mine would eat a tub full of chilli for eg that I was saving for next day's dinner. What worked was talking to them. I have a menu on the board, if it's on the plan it's out of bounds. And, if you use something up write me a note.

@flounfer

Does you DH not want him to contribute?

To be fair neither of us had that conversation and I don’t ask him to contribute because he is not on good money. I’ve explained to him that I had to pay half my salary to my parents at the same age and that we are not asking him to do so (this may have influenced my decision as I felt it was a bit harsh at the time). I just feel like he is taking the mick a bit tho and taking something after being asked not to is a bit entitled.

Yes to making it clear whats food he can have whenever and what's earmarked for meals, yes to contributing to food and energy. You're doing him a disservice, he won't cope budgeting at uni.

I would ask him either to replace the beer and the pizza for the meal or to provide the cash to do so. If he doesn't he doesn't get Pizza at that meal as he has already had his. I would also pull him up on the lying as I would allow him to think this was acceptable

And you need to pull up your dh about treating him differently to other resident kids - they are going to pick up on this and it won't go well.

Going forward you need some demarcation of food areas. I've had to do this with tweens in the house who came in and binge on whatever they can find - often dinner ingredients. I now have separate spaces in the fridge (for a while with big plastic trays maked 'keep out' on them! Etc.

4 kids. 2 shower twice a day and tend to put towels straight in wash. Uniforms, work clothes for oldest boys, then change into casual clothes that they then put in wash. It’s a fine line and have tried addressing it but it falls on deaf ears. Once they have put the relatively clean clothes in with wet towels and dirty clothes I have no choice but to wash them!

Just stop doing the washing

I would put stuff in the fridge or freezer that he can have, cheap frozen pizzas or whatever. If he wants anything else then make it his/ your husbands problem. So send them out to replace what he has eaten, every time. Serve your husband and son up cereal or toast for dinner because that's all there is left and no one has bothered to replace what was planned for dinner.

I just feel like he is taking the mick a bit tho and taking something after being asked not to is a bit entitled

Tbf I think most teenagers at some point have eaten something they've been told not to.

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

I said YABU. I said that because as I was reading your OP I started to think that you were talking about a SS, not your own flesh and blood, so I went back to check, and yes, I had missed the SS the first time. So I voted YABU because even to me it was obvious that you didn't care much for "your" child, and if it is obvious to me from reading a few lines of your post, then it must be obvious to your unfortunately, not so D, SS.

Of course there should be family rules about not just taking food from the fridge or cupboards, agreed to by all of those in the family who are old enough to have an understanding of all the relevant issues. So please have a family discussion which includes all the 14 year old + aged people in the family. It is important that all decisions of this sort are made at one time, and with all the members of the family present who will be effected by them.

Here’s the thing though. I have exactly the same conversations with my bio child when home from uni as they do the same thing. We have had arguments about it and My dh also tells them off for this. It’s only my SS that I am not allowed to treat the same way because he has anxiety. Why from one post about pizza did you infer that means I don’t care about them?

My own kids are not allowed to do this. He'll my husband, who pays for the food, is not allowed to do this. We have a budget and I meal plan. We can't stick to budget if the meal plan is messed with. Of course you are not unreasonable.

There are lots of sensible suggestions on here, thank you all for feedback. I’m definitely going to have a family chat about this (again) but realistically I know that it will probably fall on deaf ears. I guess I was coming on here to vent because it made me angry and I know exactly how this is going to go down when I bring it up x

This is making me cross! So you do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning and your family makes even more work for you by having two showers a day and expecting you to wash things that aren't dirty. And most of these people are adults! They see you as a household appliance with no needs or feelings of your own. I don't know what the answer is, but if my supposed partner was treating me like this, I'd be off.

My own kids are not allowed to do this. He'll my husband, who pays for the food, is not allowed to do this. We have a budget and I meal plan. We can't stick to budget if the meal plan is messed with. Of course you are not unreasonable.

So no one can ever deviate from the meal plan?

I'd not cope with my DH telling me I couldn't eat something regardless of who paid.

The fact he is your step son is utterly irrelevant

He’s a member of your family and he is behaving Inconsiderately

So YANBU to talk to him, with your DH by your side leading the discussion

For clarity, I only mentioned that he is my ss because it’s relevant to the context of the other information provided in my OP. I didn’t describe my bio child as darling either 😂 I didn’t want to drip feed and there is a history of not being able to say things to my ss that I am allowed to tell off bio child for. That’s a whole other thread but he is very much loved.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

I would be asking for a contribution towards food.

I have a 17yo who does this, last year we had a fall out about it as she had got up during the night and eaten most of the ingredients that were to go
I'm the next days dinner. I made a rule that you can have anything you like as long as it's not on the meal plan for that week!

She was doing ok with that until I went to make a mustard cream sauce last week and there was no cream. She had got up in the night and got the last slice of her dads birthday cake and had it with the entire pot of cream! I was fuming and made her go to the shop and replace it.

Maybe do the same with SS? He needs to go replace the expensive pizza.

And the expensive bottled larger.

A clear expectation that certain foods are off limits as they're for planned family meals definitely not unreasonable. Alternatively if that's a bit complex, that certain things say fruit, sandwiches, cereal, pasta with basic sauce from cupboard are always okay to consume as wanted. I'd be furious about the pizza, as he specifically lied. Natural consequences are good here. He ate part of family dinner he needs to go and replace it with the same. There also needs to be some family consensus on alcohol. Expensive alcohol isn't for sitting up all night consuming half a case. If he wants to do that he can buy his own cheap alcohol. I don't think that amount of alcohol consumption is great, but that's a whole other argument. Commenting on him wanting to eat isn't great, expecting him to leave family dinner ingredients untouched is a completely reasonable ask. Given what happened at University is it possible he's seld medicating with food and alcohol? I know when I am with food something can be irresistible, though as the maker of meals I either work something else out or go back to the shops. He should at least be replacing what he's eaten, not just giving you money as then you're still out the time and effort taken to get back to the shops.

You need to get a grip of the washing/drying situation. Also 2 showers a day? do they not know a) how much it costs and b) the huge global water issue?

If they have to do their own washing, that might cut it down. You don't need 2 showers a day (unless you need that 2nd shower for a valid reason) and they should be short. You don't need new towels every time etc etc

As for the food? nope. You don't just eat willy nilly. Now when the rest of the family has pizza what will he have? cereal. Eating 2 pre-prepared dinners? in what universe is that ok? Drinking half a pack of posh lager? FFS. No. (FWIW my adult living-at-home DC asked us to buy cheaper beer for them, we offered our posh beer but they felt bad about that when they're just having a few bevvies)

I would offer him a choice of being left out of all family food and he buys his own, or acting like a grown up and not lying and checking what it's ok to snack on. Your DH is a wet lettuce

If you’re half cut I don’t think cereal will cut it will it? Everyone is hungry after a boozy night 🤣

Sorry I can understand being annoyed but I’d laugh this off and make sure he’s contributing rent! Why shouldn’t he.