AIBU to be angry over this?

[Ratsindahouse]

So my eldest SS is 19. He currently lives at home and is working around 24 hours a week. We don’t ask for rent or anything and he is hopefully going to uni in September. He has issues with anxiety and had to leave uni due to a meltdown.
Yesterday, I made a full cooked breakfast. Not sure what he had for lunch, he may not have had any. He had a large chicken and mushroom risotto with garlic bread for dinner. Probably also had lots of other snacks during the day, there are always lots of snacks here and I don’t police this. I went downstairs in the early hours and he was obviously half cut. On looking this morning I can see that almost half of the box of expensive bottled lager I bought on friday has gone. The oven was on the pizza setting and I asked him why. He said that he was going to put a roll in the oven or some garlic bread. It was obvious to me that he was lying about this as we don’t have any rolls in the house and you wouldn’t put the oven on pizza setting for that. I asked him why he needed that as he had a large dinner and said that he didn’t need pizza as well. I had done a large shop on Friday and bought 4 relatively expensive pizzas for another meal. He said that he wasn’t having pizza but on getting up this morning I can see the empty box in recycling.
So aibu to be angry about this and want to make it clear that he cannot just take what he likes, when he likes? I know this won’t go well as my husband will always take his side and say he can have whatever he wants, we have argued about this in the past. I am always made to feel like a complete cow if I tell him off for anything but don’t get the same reaction if I tell off bio child.
A few weeks ago, there were 2 prepared dinners left in the fridge and he ate both, one for lunch and one for dinner, I didn’t want to cook as was tired after decorating so ended up having cereal. Had an argument with dh over this where I was apparently unreasonable for being pissed off.
I’m especially annoyed because I had a chat with SS this week about the fact our energy bill is going up from £316 pm to £867 and that we are going to have to be more careful with money.
Voting enabled - yes IABU because he is 19 and hungry all the time. No IANBU - one dinner plus cooked breakfast is enough and if he is still hungry he should eat cereal, toast or order himself takeaway and pay from his own money!

I think this is quite rude. You’re not policing his food or denying him food you’re just asking him to be considerate and not eat the food you’ve put on a meal plan. That’s not hard. And it’s rude to drink a huge quantity of someone else’s booze.

I like @44PumpLane’s suggestion. Why shouldn’t others miss out because your SS ate a pizza and your husband doesn’t care. Let them be inconvenienced. I’d also start charging a bit of rent as a way of teaching him to budget. Even if you hold it back and save it up for him for university.

Two of my children are autistic, they both suffer with high anxiety and although we make allowances for this we have a duty as their parents to teach them life lessons.

Your SS at some point will need to make his way out in the world and your DH letting him get away with certain behaviours could cause long term future problems. It’s about consideration of other people. I don’t think you don’t love your SS but it must be hugely frustrating that your DH tiptoes around him.

*why should other people miss out because your SS ate a pizza

Buy another one for less than £2 or get the SS to do it.

Does nobody here have the ability to differentiate between what the OP describes as 4 nice pizzas earmarked for dinner* and the cheap-o fill-you-up-snack type?

*and there was a super condescending comment about this. It's not my thng, we make our own, but FFS people

Smug post medal, HoppingPavlova: “YABU….. All of my meal food is fresh, needs to be constructed/cooked, and funnily they don’t touch it”

True, they don’t. It’s safe as houses.

@flounfer

My parents provided & shopped for food for me at that age & the house was never empty. However if I wanted extra food I would buy it out of my money.

@flounfer mine did too. But I also didn't take the piss and drink a load of their expensive alcohol or eat things that had been bought for specific meals without asking first or offering to replace it. At 19, you're old enough to know that some food and drink in the house is there as and when you want it, and some is not.

I remember once having the last of a block of cheese for my lunch when I hadn't realised that my stepdad had earmarked it for his dinner. As soon as he asked who'd eaten it, I said I had and offered to go get a replacement for him. It's hardly rocket science

He works. He can replace what he's used.

Hi OP, I have just re-read your OP, and my first reply to you. We now have a lot more information from your posts following your O.P. I was under the impression from your first post that your SS was the oldest of all your children, and your bio children were also your husband's bio children too. However, I am presuming that at least your child who is in Uni at the moment is not your husband's bio child, and is either the same age or older than your eldest SS? Do you share any bio children with your husband OP?

Some PP's since my last post to you have stated that this is not about SC, and whereas I agree that your eldest SS' behaviour last night, and your reaction to it, was what you were asking about, I am concerned for all of you that your and your husband's feelings, and treatments of each of your own step-children, is maybe what you and he should be considering.

Maybe if the bigger picture was more understood and acted upon by the both of you, the smaller picture may feel more understandable and more easily dealt with. It may even become the sort of thing that no-longer becomes an issue. From that I am led on to say that although it might be quite late in the day (considering the ages of the children we know about), do you think that some family guidance sessions could be helpful for you and your husband?

I say this as mum of several adult children, who have had a DSF for a large amount, to practically all, of their lives so far. He did not have any of his own (which I was disappointed about, mainly because I wanted him to be able to tell when he was not being fair to my children!). We stopped using contraception not long after our marriage, but sadly we never managed to have children together.

We went through some very tough times regarding the children, and even went to relate, which helped for a while. We have muddled through, and the child that my husband had the most trouble with - my eldest, he now gets on well with, but one of the others does not seem to like my husband as much as he did when he was a child, probably because they have very different characters, but they are both polite to each other when we meet up. My husband has always been closest with the youngest of my children, who has known my husband nearly all of his life.

I don't think that I am putting the issues I had with my DH on to you, but being human I suppose that I must be influenced by that in some way, and I do apologise if that has made me consider you more harshly than you deserve - but mainly you have my sympathy over your husband's differing behaviour between his bio children and yours. At this point I feel that I have to say please tell all the adult children not to drink any household alcohol without permission, not just your eldest SS, even though he is the only one you have an issue with. If your husband continues to not back you up where his bio children are concerned, then a visit to somewhere like relate may be necessary. I cannot stand children in a family set-up ever being treated differently to each other, and that includes my children's partners as well.

I don't think that you need anymore advice from any of us mnetters reading this thread, about how to handle your SS and his behaviour. Many other pp's have given you good advice/suggestions about how to handle your SS and your husband, and I also stand by what I said in my second paragraph. Good luck OP with sorting your husband out.

If I was 19 at home id totally do this. I wouldn't lie, but i can imagine plenty of people panicking and doing just that.

19 is still young, but also a grown up.
So it's time for a shift in boundaries, but do it gently and be aware that it more likely to be a process rather than one conversation and instant change.

Don't comment on his diet or how much food he needs. The pizza was probably a wise choice to soak up your pricey beer.

A young adult waiting to start uni drank some beer and ate a pizza in his/ his dad's home. I appreciate it's annoying but it's not crime of the century. I would try and get passed the annoyance before discussing it and also get him down to Iceland to buy some frozen £1 pizzas that he can have in for the next time.

Teenagers don't think like mother's. Even the most responsible ones don't (and shouldn't imo) fully comprehend the mental load, and why these things matter to you.

You really sound like the family skivvy.

All your SS has known, but no say?

He thinks you're the help.

I would give him a break from being cooked for.

I am asked here for a few beers.
I would not tolerate it being taken.

Neither father nor son respect you.

THAT is the real problem.

How many kids do you have??

There are 6 of us here, but it’s just the 3 young lads that eat their way through that, with the rest of us having a smidge. As I said, extremely hollow legs at that age. I’m sure people will jump up and down and call sexist but girl just eats like DH and I, not the enormous quantities of the (extremely thin) boys. Their meals are normal portions and healthy, it’s just the constant cereal/toast/toasties in-between and especially after dinner through to a late bedtime.

@flounfer

I'd not cope with my DH telling me I couldn't eat something regardless of who paid.

Really? Totally normal in my house. DP will say "By the way, the yoghurt in the fridge is for the curry on Friday" or "Don't drink the whole milk, it's for a rice pudding" or whatever, so that I don't inadvertently wreck his plans. Of course, if I really wanted them, I'd have them anyway then replace them before they were needed, which would be fine. But I'd much rather be told something's earmarked than not know, and end up having to schlep to the shops to replace it or miss out on something nice he was planning.

Why does he not contribute anything? He's used to getting away with murder and to be honest, you and his DH have allowed this. Time to put your foot down. For your bills; and to be honest for his sake, or he won't have a clue how to cope when he moves out.

Your DH is creating a spoilt monster.

@Ratsindahouse you can solve one problem immediately.

Make your children aged over 13 ish responsible for their own washing. And your husband if he's also wasteful/inconsiderate.

They have a laundry bag in their own room, and wash their own stuff. They will never ask where their pe kit/uniform is again, because they will know, and they won't wash things that don't need washing. Unless they have great whites, they can wash everything in together. Yes, they will need to be organised. Yes, you'll need to plan when to do yours when no one else can nick the machine. Yes, it's still worth it!

And re the food, DH won't realise it's a problem if you keep solving it. It won't take many meals of everyone having different food, or beans on toast all round, before he realises that DSS needs to be more considerate. Do not shop extra. Just end the week on scraps. He'll soon notice.

Scrap that! Just seen your later post. Doh.