AIBU to be angry over this?

[Ratsindahouse]

So my eldest SS is 19. He currently lives at home and is working around 24 hours a week. We don’t ask for rent or anything and he is hopefully going to uni in September. He has issues with anxiety and had to leave uni due to a meltdown.
Yesterday, I made a full cooked breakfast. Not sure what he had for lunch, he may not have had any. He had a large chicken and mushroom risotto with garlic bread for dinner. Probably also had lots of other snacks during the day, there are always lots of snacks here and I don’t police this. I went downstairs in the early hours and he was obviously half cut. On looking this morning I can see that almost half of the box of expensive bottled lager I bought on friday has gone. The oven was on the pizza setting and I asked him why. He said that he was going to put a roll in the oven or some garlic bread. It was obvious to me that he was lying about this as we don’t have any rolls in the house and you wouldn’t put the oven on pizza setting for that. I asked him why he needed that as he had a large dinner and said that he didn’t need pizza as well. I had done a large shop on Friday and bought 4 relatively expensive pizzas for another meal. He said that he wasn’t having pizza but on getting up this morning I can see the empty box in recycling.
So aibu to be angry about this and want to make it clear that he cannot just take what he likes, when he likes? I know this won’t go well as my husband will always take his side and say he can have whatever he wants, we have argued about this in the past. I am always made to feel like a complete cow if I tell him off for anything but don’t get the same reaction if I tell off bio child.
A few weeks ago, there were 2 prepared dinners left in the fridge and he ate both, one for lunch and one for dinner, I didn’t want to cook as was tired after decorating so ended up having cereal. Had an argument with dh over this where I was apparently unreasonable for being pissed off.
I’m especially annoyed because I had a chat with SS this week about the fact our energy bill is going up from £316 pm to £867 and that we are going to have to be more careful with money.
Voting enabled - yes IABU because he is 19 and hungry all the time. No IANBU - one dinner plus cooked breakfast is enough and if he is still hungry he should eat cereal, toast or order himself takeaway and pay from his own money!

Honestly, I think YABU. I have had and have teenage/young adult boys and no idea why you think pizza would stay in the fridge/freezer for more than a day (won’t even go there on a prepackaged pizza being considered gourmet). All of my meal food was and is fresh, needs to be constructed/cooked, and funnily they don’t touch it. When they start looking around for food at 11pm if they only option is ingredients to cook themselves bolognaise/risotto/soup/stir fry etc they just go for cereal, toast, melts or cheese toasties. I can’t tell you how much cereal (5kg), milk (27L), bread (16 loaves) and cheese (10kg) we got through a week, BUT all my dinner and meal ingredients don’t get touched. If I can’t be arsed cooking it’s takeaway, as having some pre-prepared thing claiming to be a meal in the fridge/freezer won’t last to Day 2. Mine aren’t fat gluttons either, all super slim with hollow legs, it’s just the age.

Hot tip - if you have made extra for another night when you cook, put it under your veg in the veg crisper in the fridge. I guarantee you it will not be found.

@sst1234

Do people really police what their kids eat when they live at home? Weird. Yes it’s OP’s stepson, but the dad is there and should be making sure his son is fed. If you’re really not happy with them eating what they want, don’t have them live there. So strange that people fall over themselves to buy each other useless Xmas presents but get huffy when they eat more than you would like in your house.

Where would you have him live? This is his only home. I’m the only mum he’s ever known.

Some posters really need to check their privilege. Some of us have to budget and meal plan and try not to bring up entitled people who eat things meant for everyone.

This isn’t a step son issue
This isn’t a child issue as he’s 19 and earning

This is simply a matter of what constitutes reasonable behaviour in a family

And he’s not behaving reasonably

@HoppingPavlova

Honestly, I think YABU. I have had and have teenage/young adult boys and no idea why you think pizza would stay in the fridge/freezer for more than a day (won’t even go there on a prepackaged pizza being considered gourmet). All of my meal food was and is fresh, needs to be constructed/cooked, and funnily they don’t touch it. When they start looking around for food at 11pm if they only option is ingredients to cook themselves bolognaise/risotto/soup/stir fry etc they just go for cereal, toast, melts or cheese toasties. I can’t tell you how much cereal (5kg), milk (27L), bread (16 loaves) and cheese (10kg) we got through a week, BUT all my dinner and meal ingredients don’t get touched. If I can’t be arsed cooking it’s takeaway, as having some pre-prepared thing claiming to be a meal in the fridge/freezer won’t last to Day 2. Mine aren’t fat gluttons either, all super slim with hollow legs, it’s just the age.

Hot tip - if you have made extra for another night when you cook, put it under your veg in the veg crisper in the fridge. I guarantee you it will not be found.

How many kids do you have?? 😬

You know all those posts you get here about "DH scoffs all the pack-up things i buy for the children's school lunches" and "DH just ate a whole chicken that i had planned for the next 27 meals and our money has run out so i can't replace it" or "DH ate all the chocolates he got me for my birthday"

Yeah. These are the teenagers who just ate everything in the fridge while their indulgent parents just beamed on while living on toast and cereal.

If you live with people it is entirely reasonable that you don't just help yourself willy nilly to all the nice things.

There's a middle ground between eating everything willy-nilly & never eating anything off the meal plan.

if OP bought 4 nice pizzas for dinner, what do you suggest when it's pizza time?

Buy another one for less than £2 or get the SS to do it.

4 kids. 2 shower twice a day and tend to put towels straight in wash. Uniforms, work clothes for oldest boys, then change into casual clothes that they then put in wash. It’s a fine line and have tried addressing it but it falls on deaf ears. Once they have put the relatively clean clothes in with wet towels and dirty clothes I have no choice but to wash them!

Of course you have a choice! Just limit the number of washes you do per week, prioritise, yours and DH stuff (seeing as you are the only ones contributing to the actual bill!), towels and uniforms and the rest of their clothes will go in if there is enough space/ washing slots left. If the other clothes don't make it in then they have to wait for them until they do - you'll soon find that they start being more considerate with what goes in and when

I couldn't get worked up over the pizza - teens get hungry at weird times, on pizza night I'd just make the rest of it go further by adding some potato wedges or beans or the Mumsnet massive salad.
If it was a whole chicken or something I'd just ask dc to replace it and he would. Some nights ds (19) eats with us and other times he sorts himself out either with some ingredients in the cupboard (pasta usually) or buying his own.
If he drank our alcohol he'd replace it but I wouldn't have a problem with him taking it although I agree that drinking alone in his room is something I discourage.
You should give him a bit more responsibility over what and when he eats - sometimes that means buying and cooking his own

Buy a load of Tesco value stuff and hide the decent food ;)

Oh gosh I can see why it's irritating. I lived with my partner who would decide in the night to then eat the main Component of another day's meal and not get why iw as narked when I was the one shopping, planning and cooking the meals so I feel your pain.

I think that saying he buys his own alcohol is definitely the way to go, it's a luxury not necessity and if working regardless of wage, that's his expense.

I also think regardless he should be contributing to the household bills/peppercorn rent, even if it's just say £100 to contribute to his share of the increasing utilities bill. Obviously you know his salary so are better placed to set the rate, though I imagine you need to go in higher with oh when debating this before talking to ss.

I would also have a rule that main meal foods are for main meals. Even if you have to be specific and say what they are. And state what snacking/full up foods are.

However, I'd be aware that he may well be used to having 3 substantial meals a day, so could mean that the snacking costs more, so maybe compromise with say buying in x amount of cheap ready meals in the freezer that he can have if he's that's hungry.

Good luck.

I also wonder whether he should be responsible for cooking for the family twice a week as well!

Does he also do some housework?

Surely at 19,he could also have a laundry basket in his room and be responsible for his own washing?

If he's going back to university he needs to be sent more self sufficient than last year.

There's a middle ground between eating everything willy-nilly & never eating anything off the meal plan.

I agree.

It’s so difficult being a parent especially to a 19 year old who wants to be treated like an adult.
It’s trying to find that middle ground.

@PrincessPaws

4 kids. 2 shower twice a day and tend to put towels straight in wash. Uniforms, work clothes for oldest boys, then change into casual clothes that they then put in wash. It’s a fine line and have tried addressing it but it falls on deaf ears. Once they have put the relatively clean clothes in with wet towels and dirty clothes I have no choice but to wash them!

Of course you have a choice! Just limit the number of washes you do per week, prioritise, yours and DH stuff (seeing as you are the only ones contributing to the actual bill!), towels and uniforms and the rest of their clothes will go in if there is enough space/ washing slots left. If the other clothes don't make it in then they have to wait for them until they do - you'll soon find that they start being more considerate with what goes in and when

I am in part guilty of creating the monster with youngest ss. It used to be a hell of a job getting him to shower regularly and he would rewear clothes until they stank. He’s now gone to the opposite end of the scale! They also until very recently used to put washing on themselves but have asked them to stop as they were just leaving it in the washing machine. It got to the point I could never use the washing machine as ons ur other of the boys always had a wash on! I’ve asked them to just bring their washing fish every couple of days but somehow they manage to fill their baskets to bursting in that time period. Outside line broken and needs replacing but whenever I used that it bloody rains anyway

Sounds like a teenage boy being a teenage boy, and the sooner he buggers off to uni, the better!

That being said, a firm talk is needed, and perhaps firmer boundaries set on what is "fair game" food, and what isn't.

If they put clothes in the basket after one wear unnecessarily, fish them back out EVERY TIME

Towels get hung up to dry. Washing them twice a week is a bit over the top if they've been used on clean bodies. Every day is madness.

Your kids need a lesson in economics. You can get a cheap meter which shows your electricity usage. Get one.

Do a spreadsheet of expenses and show them EXACTLY where the money goes.

Anyone earning contributes. Obviously within reason

And if your DH is happy with the waste, I suggest he pays for it

Why are you doing their washing too?

I'd work out how much each wash/dry costs. Put their dirty stuff back on their beds and make them put the cost in a tin before they do their washing.

They'll soon decide things can be worn more than once and towels can be hung to dry and reused.

I'd also take a contribution from each towards the food shop.

Dh with an argument could go fuck himself.

Just sit down with him and talk about it once you've calmed down so it doesn't seem like a telling off. Tell him it annoys you and something needs to change. Tell him why it's a problem. Ask hi. What he thinks a good solution is and encourage either him contributing to household keep or that he if fine to eat meals with you and buy his own snacks or give you money and a list to get them for him. X

My tumble dryer and washer is on at least twice a day with 3 adults and 2 kids but £800 is painful. My bill is 140 and is going to 200. I would get that checked. I have a 20 year old and he can eat what he likes really but I would be annoyed if he just ate one of our meals without asking.

I don’t really understand why it’s that much tbh. Currently in credit, but electric projection is set to rise by £1329.65 for same consumption, gas by £2378.25. Total of £3707.9. Divided by 12 should be extra £308 per month. I suppose the extra difference is the increase in standing charge?

I think it's the lying that would piss me off. When I was a teen I did things like that but then the next day I'd say 'Oh I really fancied something to eat last night so I had the last pizza, really sorry, I'll replace it' and then off I'd pop to the Coop to buy another one. Is there a shop near you he can get to easily to replace the things he's taken?

Also I'm assuming the pizza was for his dinner later this week? If so, let him know that on Wednesday you are all having pizza but he'll need to sort himself out as he's already had his.

He either needs to replace it, or go without basically.

It’s a side issue, but surprise surprise it’s you - the woman - who is planning the 4 pizzas for another meal. No wonder your husband doesn’t really care if SS fucks up the meal plan - not his problem. Because it’s your job to realise and buy another pizza / change the meal plan - right?

What would happen if you said, “it’s 3 pizzas between 6 tonight guys, not 4, as one of you pilfered one. So grab some cereal after if you’re still hungry.”?

I would personally, for a family that age and size have a “things you can just take” stash (cereal, toast…) and - given what sounds like a big income - not care about the cost.

But I’d come down like a tonne of bricks on someone fucking up the meal plan.

I think that there's a middle ground here, where neither of you are reasonable or unreasonable.

Hes hungry, and thinks he can eat what's there, there is a boundary, but that boundary only seems to come from you, and not his father.

I think a chat needs to be had, where its discussed where the boundary needs to be, and your husband- his father needs to agree and support that.

He either needs to replace what he eats if its for the main meals or he maybe needs to buy his own snacks and nibbles, or pop them on the shopping list.

You need to know the meals you've planned are there for when you go to cook them.

I assume he has access to some money so really wouldn't it be best for him to buy his own snacks that occur outside of main meals? Gives him some choice and independence

@Ponoka7

You were trying to police what he eats and you should certainly not be doing that.

Of course she should. He's eating family meals on his own, over and above the family meals that are cooked for him.

She can police that as much as she likes, given she is the adult buying and cooking all of the food he is eating.

It's easy: don't eat the stuff that is obviously a family meal. Help yourself to any of the stuff that is obviously not a family meal.

He's 19 not 9. And even 9 year olds understand that the fridge is not a free for all zone!

It's his home - he should be able to eat when he is hungry.
However he should not be able to eat food that is "allocated" for family meals.

I have younger teens - they have free access to fruit, cereal, toast etc. Also access to chocolate, cereal bars, crisps etc - max of one (of each) per day.
I also have in cheap oven chips, pizzas, fish fingers, chicken nuggets etc. They can make these things for themselves/friends.

If they want something else - say soup or leftover food - they have to ask. If they want to make a meal, they have to ask (I will usually bite their hands off and ask them to make it for the whole family).

Your dss is older and working - I would expect him to buy his own treats/pizza type food. He would be welcome to join family meals. He would be encouraged to prepare some of them. But not to help himself to food that is designated for family meals. Give him the option of buying his own extra bits, or paying some keep and you getting them in with the shop, but it is fair enough to be clear with him what is up for grabs and what is not.

Don't police his eating in terms of "he doesn't need to eat that, he shouldn't be hungry". He's an adult and should be able to choose for himself when and what to eat (and is it's a pizza at night, to order one or go and buy his own!)