AIBU to be angry over this?

[Ratsindahouse]

So my eldest SS is 19. He currently lives at home and is working around 24 hours a week. We don’t ask for rent or anything and he is hopefully going to uni in September. He has issues with anxiety and had to leave uni due to a meltdown.
Yesterday, I made a full cooked breakfast. Not sure what he had for lunch, he may not have had any. He had a large chicken and mushroom risotto with garlic bread for dinner. Probably also had lots of other snacks during the day, there are always lots of snacks here and I don’t police this. I went downstairs in the early hours and he was obviously half cut. On looking this morning I can see that almost half of the box of expensive bottled lager I bought on friday has gone. The oven was on the pizza setting and I asked him why. He said that he was going to put a roll in the oven or some garlic bread. It was obvious to me that he was lying about this as we don’t have any rolls in the house and you wouldn’t put the oven on pizza setting for that. I asked him why he needed that as he had a large dinner and said that he didn’t need pizza as well. I had done a large shop on Friday and bought 4 relatively expensive pizzas for another meal. He said that he wasn’t having pizza but on getting up this morning I can see the empty box in recycling.
So aibu to be angry about this and want to make it clear that he cannot just take what he likes, when he likes? I know this won’t go well as my husband will always take his side and say he can have whatever he wants, we have argued about this in the past. I am always made to feel like a complete cow if I tell him off for anything but don’t get the same reaction if I tell off bio child.
A few weeks ago, there were 2 prepared dinners left in the fridge and he ate both, one for lunch and one for dinner, I didn’t want to cook as was tired after decorating so ended up having cereal. Had an argument with dh over this where I was apparently unreasonable for being pissed off.
I’m especially annoyed because I had a chat with SS this week about the fact our energy bill is going up from £316 pm to £867 and that we are going to have to be more careful with money.
Voting enabled - yes IABU because he is 19 and hungry all the time. No IANBU - one dinner plus cooked breakfast is enough and if he is still hungry he should eat cereal, toast or order himself takeaway and pay from his own money!

I don't see the pizza as a problem. Teens especially boys have different appetites to adults and he may well have been hungry, especially if he's skipped lunch (when he might have had the pizza then and I assume that would have been ok?). The alcohol though I'd tell him to buy his own. If you've prepared a meal for yourself stick a list it on it so he knows it's not for helping yourself. Obviously you've decided as a family not to charge him so it does then seem unfair to them police when he can eat.

Wow. My Dh would be on notice for enabling this, and frankly all the dc would be on notice. I’d be boiled in oil before washing kids towels when they are using TWO A DAY. I’d just dump the wet dirty towels in their bedroom, preferably on their clean clothes, get me a laundry hamper for my clothes and that’s what I wash from now on. Dc who contribute (I’d expect adult dc to clean bathrooms, hang out, bring in, fold and out away washing, do shopping even if not paying, clean up after dinner, vacuum etc) may recommence joining the family washing. Anxiety doesn’t make anyone need a posh pizza, they’d be cooking the meal if they ate the planned food.

It sounds like you need a family discussion to establish house rules.

Our DS is still living with us and works similar hours while waiting for an armed forces application. He pays a small rent (£175/month). For that he gets all meals. If he wants something else/extra then he pays for it.

Basic rule is that if you didnt buy it then you check before eating it.

Would it help if your DCs had their own laundry boxes and did their own laundry? If they had to deal with it themselves then they may be less enthusiastic about putting barely used things straight into the wash. Same with towels. They may be better at hanging them up to dry rather than putting them straight in the laundry.

YABU it’s annoying but I think you need to unclench a bit.

If he eats something that you need then he’ll need to go out and replace it.
There’s no point getting worked up over it.

I have people eating my food that I’ve saved so I do get it but I think if him or DH don’t see it as a problem then you shouldn’t either - if it means they need to buy or cook something to replace it then so be it.

I personally wouldn’t ask for any contribution right now seeing as he’s planning to go to uni very soon and will learn the hard way about people eating his food and wasting money.

Are you the main earner?

*hate people eating my food

LunaAndHerMoonDragons - yes I absolutely think he is self medicating with alcohol, food I’m not so sure. I think he got up and cooked the pizza because he got the munchies after drinking on his own. Which is not good! I’ve tried to address this with him and said that drinking when he is out with friends or at a party is absolutely fine, drinking on his own in his bedroom is not. My husband has told me to leave this though. It feels as though he is constantly trying to not upset ss and make anxiety worse but I don’t feel this is good in the long run. As a step mum it’s a difficult path because I am his mum and see myself as such but I am not allowed to parent him in the same way I do bio child.

@Palavah

Totally reasonable that he doesn't eat stuff you've prepared for other meals, but don't make it a judgement on whether he should or should not be hungry. By all means treat him like an adult and expect him to take adult responsibility. Don't tell him he's not hungry.

I agree with this. He should contribute towards food, but it's not for you to say whether he's hungry or not.

An adult man with a job should 100% be paying something towards bills and food.

I do t think you are BU, I would be peed off too. My son is 19 and often wants snacks etc, I have these in the freezer, chicken Nuggets, sausage rolls, generally crap food that he knows he can cook and eat when he likes. He would never help himself to 'meal' items. Boundaries need to be set. A family meeting where ground rules need to be discussed and agreed . Ps he should buy his on beer too .

@WonderfulYou

YABU it’s annoying but I think you need to unclench a bit.

If he eats something that you need then he’ll need to go out and replace it.
There’s no point getting worked up over it.

I have people eating my food that I’ve saved so I do get it but I think if him or DH don’t see it as a problem then you shouldn’t either - if it means they need to buy or cook something to replace it then so be it.

I personally wouldn’t ask for any contribution right now seeing as he’s planning to go to uni very soon and will learn the hard way about people eating his food and wasting money.

Are you the main earner?

No I’m not the main earner, my dh is by a long country mile. I am ss’s only mum tho and gave up my career to look after them when I met my dh.

So, should have been 4 expensive pizzas for your family. You get one, the child who didn't already eat one gets one, and DH and SS get half a pizza each. When they ask why you explain that they collectively created the issue, they didn't see anything wrong with it, but actions have consequences and this is the consequences.

This. It sounds like this is the only way to get through to either of them.

I think thee are three issues here;

SS is not respecting the fact that you gave meal planned and bought specific items for specific meals. It's not about whether he should be hungry or whether he should pay money towards food bill. Even if he contributed financially, you would still be in an annoying position when half of your meal ingredients are missing. You could consider;

• Having a meal plan on the fridge door so that he can CLEARLY see that pizzas are for everyone on Saturday and not for him at lunch time. If he eats it, he has to replace it like for like in time for the planned meal.
• Rules around certain items such as booze.
• Some shelves of the cupboard/ fridge which carry snack items.

Second issue appears to be energy usage. I appreciate that you haven't posted about this, so I won't bang on....but OP you know you need to talk to all of the kids about their habits. Showering twice a day? Putting towels in the wash after only one use? Tumble dryer on three times a day?! It sounds like your kids are independent and housetrained to do their own laundry, well done on that score. Of course, when they move out (likely into a house share at first) they are not going to be able to sustain these crazy habits. They need to learn about the real world FAST!

The massive issue is that you and DH are clearly on different pages over these things. Is DH just really laid back? Or really lazy? Or does he just have his head in the sand?

GOOD LUCK OP X

So no one can ever deviate from the meal plan?

if OP bought 4 nice pizzas for dinner, what do you suggest when it's pizza time? One of the 4 has already had the pizza, but i wonder what DH would say if SS didn't get one? Maybe DH should miss out because he condones this?

If you live with people it is entirely reasonable that you don't just help yourself willy nilly to all the nice things.

But there are lots of problems here, and a family meeting about behaviour, expectations and not wasting money are sorely needed.

I don't think you're policing what he eats. You are offering him family meals and snacks and just asking him to take normal snack food rather than meals which is a perfectly normal request. If he's hungry he's hungry but reasonable people don't eat the family dinner for tomorrow when this happens. DH should be talking to him about this really. Can he have a dedicated space in the freezer to fill with his own choice of snack foods (e.g. pizzas) which he can eat whenever he wants?

No I’m not the main earner, my dh is by a long country mile.

So then you don’t need to worry.
If SS eats something he or DH can replace it.

I would buy a couple cheap frozen pizzas and say he can eat these instead but the posh ones are for the family - if he eats them anyway then he’ll just have to go to the shop and buy new ones out of his own money.

I think this is a fair rule as you’re not being controlling and treating him like a child but he’s also having to accept responsibility and contribute.
It hopefully also means less stress for you.

I think if you have got things specifically for a meal then he shouldn’t touch those. It sounds a bit overkill but maybe even attach a note / sticker to things like the pizzas so he knows he mustn’t help himself to those. (I do this with my own dd aged 19 when she’s home from university- everything else is fair game and we have a fully stocked fridge etc full of alternative snacks).

Second issue appears to be energy usage. I appreciate that you haven't posted about this, so I won't bang on....but OP you know you need to talk to all of the kids about their habits.

I agree with this.

DS is only 13 but he is always hungry. I dread to think what he will be like as an actual adult. After dinner last night (homemade chicken pie new pots and 3 veg), he ate a magnum, bag of crisps, a yoghurt and 2 slices of toast. He's not overweight before anyone asks!

I'm always a bit torn on these threads. Neither DB or I ever contributed to household expenses nor were there parents food/drinks and other (less good) stuff for us. However life is more expensive now.
I think you should ask him to contribute but then how do you tell him what he can and can't eat?

@WonderfulYou

Second issue appears to be energy usage. I appreciate that you haven't posted about this, so I won't bang on....but OP you know you need to talk to all of the kids about their habits.

I agree with this.

Absolutely. If they want to carry on washing stuff that isn't dirty after wearing it only for a short time, they will need to start contributing to household finances.

@WonderfulYou

No I’m not the main earner, my dh is by a long country mile.

So then you don’t need to worry.
If SS eats something he or DH can replace it.

I would buy a couple cheap frozen pizzas and say he can eat these instead but the posh ones are for the family - if he eats them anyway then he’ll just have to go to the shop and buy new ones out of his own money.

I think this is a fair rule as you’re not being controlling and treating him like a child but he’s also having to accept responsibility and contribute.
It hopefully also means less stress for you.

We don’t have his money and my money tho, it’s all joint family money and to me that’s not really the point?

I will have a chat with him in general and may moot the point of him paying a small weekly amount. I am also going to address the drinking again and tell him that in future he has to buy alcohol for his own consumption and cannot drink ours. I’m hoping that will have the result in him drinking less if he had to pay for it!!

there is a history of not being able to say things to my ss that I am allowed to tell off bio child for.

Combined with this

I am ss’s only mum tho and gave up my career to look after them when I met my dh.

Is your problem. Essentially because of this SS has no respect for you he sees you as a skivvy - this little woman to do his bidding and frankly his father has enforced that by putting him on such a pedestal.

You need to start acting as 1 family. I appreciate this is rather late in the day but DH having favourites - which is exactly what this is - is going to drive you apart.

There need to be house rules about what food is open to all, about what washing is acceptable etc and followed by all. And those who don't comply face the consequences - not getting the food for dinner, having to replace, or ultimately needing to sort themselves out for all food/washing etc. And DH need to back you otherwise he is actually the problem and he needs to understand this.

He definitely shouldn’t be drinking your alcohol. We’re a bit of a weird family in that regard anyway as we’re teetotal (I used to be a heavy drinker in my 20s and stopped years ago) but alcohol is so expensive and if he’s drinking to get drunk he really shouldn’t be having it so my first step would be to tell him he’s not allowed any of the alcohol in the house and has to buy his own.

Do people really police what their kids eat when they live at home? Weird. Yes it’s OP’s stepson, but the dad is there and should be making sure his son is fed. If you’re really not happy with them eating what they want, don’t have them live there. So strange that people fall over themselves to buy each other useless Xmas presents but get huffy when they eat more than you would like in your house.

We don’t have his money and my money tho, it’s all joint family money and to me that’s not really the point?

But SS has his own money - so he’ll need to go to the shop and buy a new pizza.

He’ll either stop eating it or just replace it which means you still have your pizza but you’re not policing anything or having to do extra work.

So aibu to be angry about this and want to make it clear that he cannot just take what he likes, when he likes? I know this won’t go well as my husband will always take his side and say he can have whatever he wants,

In which case, I suggest that your husband becomes responsible for doing all the thinking about, shopping for and cooking of all family meals from now on - it might make him realise how annoying people being inconsiderate and eating stuff meant for dinners is

Do people really police what their kids eat when they live at home? Weird. Yes it’s OP’s stepson, but the dad is there and should be making sure his son is fed.

it isn't policing his food when you ask him not to eat the pizza that is planned for someone's dinner, FFS. I'm sure he'll make a fuss if he doesn't get a pizza on pizza day, but why should someone else miss out?