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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else slightly frightened of being elderly and losing quality of life

229 replies

Donewithit888 · 13/03/2022 00:00

I work part time in care, and whilst it's very rewarding it depresses me slightly.

A large number of our clients are essentially existing rather than living, people who've had strokes and are now bedbound, no pastimes other than watching TV day in day out. Having to be hoisted in the air several times a day just to use the toilet or get changed.
Incontinent, no awareness of what's going on in their surroundings.

Houses that are absolutely filthy and filled with clutter as they aren't physically capable of cleaning them and don't have local help. Living in one room permanently, rarely seeing the outside world.

Asking your name for the umpteenth time as short term memory issues.
No longer able to feed themselves in some cases.

Being looked after by certain 'carers' who couldn't care less and would rather be anywhere else.

Every time I finish my shifts I pretty much pray to myself that I don't end up that way, but I'm sure the service users also felt the same way when they were younger and in better health.
Just seems to be a bit of a lottery really, we can live healthy lifestyles and look after ourselves but nothing is guaranteed.
Not really sure how you stop thinking like this?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 13/03/2022 00:09

No idea. I’m 41 and in chronic ill health with degenerative conditions. I worry about this every day. People with good health don’t realise how lucky they are. To have good health is to have choices.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/03/2022 00:11

(I mean no idea how you stop thinking like this).

LoveCleanLaundry · 13/03/2022 00:12

I'm in my 30's and chronically ill. I worry about this every fucking day already.

Kite22 · 13/03/2022 00:16

I'm not frightened of being elderly per se
I'm not frightened of changing my habits and my hobbies and being somewhat more restricted in what I can do.
However I do believe in 'Dignity in dying' and I definitely have no wish to have medics continually 'not letting me die' when I am in pain or without dignity.
I realise many people who need considerable care are not imminently dying, but I do wish we were allowed more autonomy around our own life / death / existence.

Again, I realise that not everyone has capacity for others to feel comfortable about decisions they make.

It is a HUGE subject, and one I wold love to see debated more during a fulfilling life and not first considered at that stage in life.

ParkheadParadise · 13/03/2022 00:17

I have a fear of Dementia.
I watched dementia take my lovely mum and what it did to my family watching it.
I DON'T want that for dh & dd. The thought of dd having to deal with her mum not knowing her and everything that comes with dealing with dementia.
I would rather go to Switzerland than live with Dementia.

MintJulia · 13/03/2022 00:21

There is no point worrying about something like that because it won't help. You can however, ensure a healthy lifestyle now to give you a better chance of a healthy old age..

Cut right back on alcohol, cook from scratch, eat lots of fresh fruit & veg, oily fish, wholegrains, reduce sugar intake, get plenty of exercise. Don't smoke or vape.

Reduce your stress levels, your BMI, your cholesterol level.

It all helps.

AwayInMyMind · 13/03/2022 00:21

I have Multiple Sclerosis. I worry a lot about this.

Degreeincodology · 13/03/2022 00:24

Of course - I'm fucking terrified. I'm in great health but inevitably getting sick and dying haunts my thoughts. I can do nothing about it though so...

Choccorocco · 13/03/2022 00:27

I have already told my doctor that if I am diagnosed with dementia then I want it in record that I would prefer euthanasia to a prolonged life not knowing where or who I am. It’s an extremely emotive area and I fully recognise that not everyone would or should consider it an option. Seeing elderly relatives suffer from Alzheimer’s is heartbreaking and I don’t wish it on my kids.
There is a fair amount of literature now talking about how important it is to allow death to be more humane, but that we are all, including doctors, and for the right reasons, focussed on keeping people alive to the degree that we don’t know when to let go.
I think the trick is to feel awe and wonder that we are here at all, and that leaving the body is the natural conclusion to the miracle of life.
Many apologies if this is insensitive to anyone who is suffering at the moment - we all make sense of the world and find happiness in our own ways and I wouldn’t wish my dreams of an appropriately-timed demise on anyone else, not least because I might feel very differently if/when I get there! xx

Justilou1 · 13/03/2022 00:33

Me… I have Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome. It’s barely understood by medical professionals. If I require carers or go into a nursing home , it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m going to be 50 this year and I am doing everything I can to keep my muscle tone strong and my bone density intact. My hip pops out of joint and so do my thumbs. Thumbs are kind of useful. The hip thing scares the shit out of me. As well as that I have postural tachycardia and faint like a Victorian heroine whose corset is too tight, circulatory problems (need heart surgery) and food allergies galore. To make matters worse, the average age women in my family die (unless they smoke - which I never have) is 104.

PiperPosey · 13/03/2022 00:35

I'm 74 ... I believe in God and say the Serenity Prayer everyday.

Do I worry? Nah.. I take one day at a time. I'm anemic and have tumor in my pineal gland in my brain. I just had surgery for a tumor in my colon and surgery for my gall bladder removal.

I love life, but I don't fear death. I will deal with it when it comes.
I'm sorry for those who are suffering and worrying. Flowers

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 13/03/2022 00:36

I can't think about it.

I helped nurse my dad through 15 months of end of life care during the pandemic until May last year. Had to give up my job and now struggle to find something else that earns enough whilst being flexibly enough to be there for my mum.

My mum is nearly 83, can't cope emotionally and her physical health is declining. Our relationship, which was already challenging, has worsened due to the stress of my dad's decline and loss and I have no idea how I'm going to manage this for potentially several more years.

I'm probably one of those 'carers who really don't want to be there' in your opinion. I've lost 3 years of my life already to caring in incredibly challenging circumstances and I'm resentful, frustrated, exhausted and terrified for the future.

I'm terrified of inflicting a similar scenario on my daughter and her feeling the way I do now. I only hope euthanasia is an option by then.

PiperPosey · 13/03/2022 00:38

@Justilou1

Me… I have Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome. It’s barely understood by medical professionals. If I require carers or go into a nursing home , it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m going to be 50 this year and I am doing everything I can to keep my muscle tone strong and my bone density intact. My hip pops out of joint and so do my thumbs. Thumbs are kind of useful. The hip thing scares the shit out of me. As well as that I have postural tachycardia and faint like a Victorian heroine whose corset is too tight, circulatory problems (need heart surgery) and food allergies galore. To make matters worse, the average age women in my family die (unless they smoke - which I never have) is 104.
Oh honey... My daughter and granddaughter both have EDS...I am so sorry...I know the complications that come with this disability. Tragic. and you are right people just don't know...Flowers
nordica · 13/03/2022 00:38

Yes, would rather be able to have myself put to sleep like we do with pets when their quality of life has gone.

PiperPosey · 13/03/2022 00:43

@AwayInMyMind

I have Multiple Sclerosis. I worry a lot about this.
I am so sorry.. so very sad. That would be very scary...Flowers
PiperPosey · 13/03/2022 00:47

@nordica

Yes, would rather be able to have myself put to sleep like we do with pets when their quality of life has gone.
Absolutely I agree with this.
AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2022 00:57

Absolutely terrified. But since there's nothing I can do about it I refuse to live what remains of my life (I'm in my 60s) in fear or dread. I try to live each day to its fullest and enjoy every day and every experience.

My mother ate right, exercised, didn't smoke, drank sparingly all her life. And she spent the last 7 years of her life in a care home with increasing dementia. Her heart and body were strong and healthy to the end because of her past lifestyle but her brain was utterly gone. She died of Covid a year ago and it was truly a blessed release.

So where I can't control whether or not I get dementia, I'm going to eat 'bad' foods, drink a little bit more than is healthy, and relax and enjoy my leisure. I'd rather be happy today.

janeseymour78 · 13/03/2022 01:02

I'll be honest with you OP. I recently started thinking about putting money aside for something like DIGNITAS.

I have one grandparent with advanced dementia and no quality of life like you describe - and another who was similiar. I just don't want that if I get really I'll.

SproutLady · 13/03/2022 01:04

@MintJulia my mother lived as you prescribe. She was teetotal, slim, fit, and always cooked from scratch. She had a long protracted death from dementia nonetheless. Virtue is not always rewarded.

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 01:06

@Choccorocco

I have already told my doctor that if I am diagnosed with dementia then I want it in record that I would prefer euthanasia to a prolonged life not knowing where or who I am. It’s an extremely emotive area and I fully recognise that not everyone would or should consider it an option. Seeing elderly relatives suffer from Alzheimer’s is heartbreaking and I don’t wish it on my kids. There is a fair amount of literature now talking about how important it is to allow death to be more humane, but that we are all, including doctors, and for the right reasons, focussed on keeping people alive to the degree that we don’t know when to let go. I think the trick is to feel awe and wonder that we are here at all, and that leaving the body is the natural conclusion to the miracle of life. Many apologies if this is insensitive to anyone who is suffering at the moment - we all make sense of the world and find happiness in our own ways and I wouldn’t wish my dreams of an appropriately-timed demise on anyone else, not least because I might feel very differently if/when I get there! xx
Which country do you live in? I’m not aware of any country that would action euthanasia to someone who lacks capacity?
MintJulia · 13/03/2022 01:11

[quote SproutLady]@MintJulia my mother lived as you prescribe. She was teetotal, slim, fit, and always cooked from scratch. She had a long protracted death from dementia nonetheless. Virtue is not always rewarded.[/quote]
I know there are no guarantees but maintaing a healthy lifestyle for as long as possible can improve your chances.

Until more is understood about the causes of dementia, it's all we can do.

Roselilly36 · 13/03/2022 01:37

No point in worrying about something that can’t be avoided, you are seeing these people in their old age, I hope many of them enjoyed good health & happiness as younger people.

No one knows what the future will hold, I never dreamt in a million years that I would be dx with MS 10 years ago. I cope by not looking to far into the future, one day at a time. Stress makes my condition worse, so there is no point in fretting over it. It’s taken me a while to get to the point of acceptance though.

CharSiu · 13/03/2022 01:41

When I was at school I worked in the kitchen of a residential home as a kitchen porter and also used to help wait at the table. I used to run and skip hime and never took a day for granted that I had heath. I was in excellent health till I was 48 and now I’m disabled. I do worry about degenerating further.

Aaleigha · 13/03/2022 01:43

I have been chronically ill for many years now and a year ago I got diagnosed with a form of leukemia
I am 64 and given up thinking about it because I know I am living with something terminal

Justilou1 · 13/03/2022 04:50

@PiperPosey - Sorry about your DD & GD. Glad they live in an era where there is (a leeeeeetle) more understanding about EDS.