Anyone else slightly frightened of being elderly and losing quality of life

[Donewithit888]

I work part time in care, and whilst it's very rewarding it depresses me slightly.

A large number of our clients are essentially existing rather than living, people who've had strokes and are now bedbound, no pastimes other than watching TV day in day out. Having to be hoisted in the air several times a day just to use the toilet or get changed.
Incontinent, no awareness of what's going on in their surroundings.

Houses that are absolutely filthy and filled with clutter as they aren't physically capable of cleaning them and don't have local help. Living in one room permanently, rarely seeing the outside world.

Asking your name for the umpteenth time as short term memory issues.
No longer able to feed themselves in some cases.

Being looked after by certain 'carers' who couldn't care less and would rather be anywhere else.

Every time I finish my shifts I pretty much pray to myself that I don't end up that way, but I'm sure the service users also felt the same way when they were younger and in better health.
Just seems to be a bit of a lottery really, we can live healthy lifestyles and look after ourselves but nothing is guaranteed.
Not really sure how you stop thinking like this?

@AcrossthePond55

Absolutely terrified. But since there's nothing I can do about it I refuse to live what remains of my life (I'm in my 60s) in fear or dread. I try to live each day to its fullest and enjoy every day and every experience.

My mother ate right, exercised, didn't smoke, drank sparingly all her life. And she spent the last 7 years of her life in a care home with increasing dementia. Her heart and body were strong and healthy to the end because of her past lifestyle but her brain was utterly gone. She died of Covid a year ago and it was truly a blessed release.

So where I can't control whether or not I get dementia, I'm going to eat 'bad' foods, drink a little bit more than is healthy, and relax and enjoy my leisure. I'd rather be happy today.

Just like my mother in law. Her body was extremely healthy and she lived to 93, but the last 10 years if her life were awful because of dementia. The last 2 years she couldn't even remember how to walk

We all have to die. Being healthy in old age won’t stop the inevitable. We’d all like to think we’ll be healthy then just not wake up one day but that’s not what it’s like for the vast majority of people. But it’s very hard for the medical profession or your loved ones to withdraw life-lengthening treatment. And life-lengthening treatment might be ordinary stuff like blood pressure tablets or antibiotics for a UTI.

Write an Advance Decision, get it properly certified, lodge a copy with your GP. I’ve done it and mine is pretty brutal.

Good version here compassionindying.org.uk/library/advance-decision-pack/

However I do believe in 'Dignity in dying' and I definitely have no wish to have medics continually 'not letting me die' when I am in pain or without dignity

Everyone who feels this way should make sure they have spoken to their families about this - it is usually the long lost son who hasn’t seen his parents in two years who pops up and insists that “something must be done”.

Younger generations often want to keep their family member alive for as long as possible, in whatever condition, to avoid facing their own grief. It’s very sad, and very unfair on the old person who actually has to live that life.

@Choux

My parents are both in their 80s with dementia that started around the age of 80. Still relatively mild but they have daily meds visits from carers to ensure tablets are taken. The cost of this is going up by 1/3 in March (I think because they are self funders and they are now subsidising council care costs) and their care needs are going to ramp up as their dementia and frailty progresses.

Having seen their life now - the boredom of never going out, the inability to keep their home clean and prepare quality meals for themselves, the fears they have that they are vulnerable, the worry that the other is getting worse, might die soon and leave them alone - I want to die by my own choice when my health seems to be reducing my quality of life too much.

Looking at my parents I think that is at the age of 80. Unless I have a double helping of the dementia gene and it starts earlier than theirs did. That is my fear.

But it’s a different age for everyone surely ....my Mum is almost 86..,,I’m meeting her off the train in London next week for a 2 day stay to see a show and visit the v&a ....we will walk for miles ....like we always do...,sure she slowed down over the years...but doesn’t take a single tablet..,,gets out every day...drives a care and lives a very independent life in her lovely little bungalow .

I've learned lessons from my parents. They smoked heavily, drank to excess, never exercised, ate unhealthy meals. Dad died on 23 December aged 74, mum on 28 February aged 71. Both of severe COPD.

I made the decision to remove mum's oxygen and let her go. She was on 15 litres and couldn't get her sats above 50. The only choice was ventilation and she had a DNACPR order. It was kinder to let her go than continue to struggle. She was unconscious with no hope of recovery. It was hard but I think it was the right choice.

Terrified. I'm mid 50s, living alone with a condition that manifests as chronic fatigue. I had to give up my job years ago, friends fell away gradually as I failed to recover, and I'm virtually housebound. I'm unable to clean my house or cook and am having a stellar day if I manage to shower. When you get to the stage of having no friends left hospital outpatient treatment becomes problematic because there's nobody to pick you up after being sedated. No pickup, no procedure, an unbendable NHS rule apparently. I've consequently been waiting over 3 years for a biopsy where the average wait time is under a year. The thought that this could get worse doesn't bear thinking about.

@PiperPosey - I was diagnosed about 18m ago. I’ll be 50 this year. Explains my over-familiarity with orthopaedic surgeons since a young age, and all the myriad other symptoms, etc. My three kids all have differing symptoms but so far their hearts are all good. (Thank goodness!) Ironically, I am studying nursing and was dx’ed by my hand surgeon after I had been doing CPR on one of those creepy, limbless dummies and the pea-sized ganglion that had been on the side of my wrist decided to migrate to the back of it and grow to the size of a duck egg. When I was looking at the ganglion, my lecturer noticed that my thumb was hanging loosely in space also. I have had four hand surgeries since. Next is cardiac ablative surgery to help with arrhythmias, then aortic valve replacement. Seems hospitals are a theme.

Back on the subject of aging… I nursed my dad through MND and my mum through lung cancer and COPD. Neither were the dignified, kind deaths that you hear about. It was traumatic for them and traumatic for me.
I then started studying nursing (on hold until after heart surgery atm) and did my first placement in an Interim Care Unit. This was a great experience as I was able to work with people who had to move from one situation to another for medical reasons. The youngest people in this place all had “lifestyle” diseases (obesity/diabetes) and their comorbidities. A couple were younger than me. The oldest people were the ones who had remained physically fit, mentally agile and continued to engage with their communities. They were a couple in their 90’s who were staying there whilst modifications were being made to their home so they could return to their independent life.
Another thing to add is that now we have a better understanding of the benefits of HRT - (especially oestrogen replacement) It has a protective effect on the cardiovascular system (helping avoid high bp, strokes, heart attacks, skin conditions resulting from circulatory problems, etc.) It helps to protect against diabetes and as a result of that and the cardiovascular benefits, it helps to protect your brain. It is considered to be a gold standard preventative against many forms of dementia in women. It helps prevent bone loss and osteoporosis. Most people end up in care as the result of a fall. Broken hips (and the consequent immobility) are killers for old people.
I intend to do my best to proactively avoid nursing homes, etc. I exercise (kinda) I have a healthy diet, I have fun with people I love. I put back into the community as well and gain a lot of personal satisfaction from this.

But it’s a different age for everyone surely ....my Mum is almost 86..,,I’m meeting her off the train in London next week for a 2 day stay to see a show and visit the v&a ....we will walk for miles ....like we always do...,sure she slowed down over the years...but doesn’t take a single tablet..,,gets out every day...drives a care and lives a very independent life in her lovely little bungalow .

Lucky you, my mum was like this before she was ravaged by dementia at 78, she's still alive but has zero quality of life. It's utterly heartbreaking and cruel.

I think everyone is afraid of this. I briefly worked in a nursing home and sometimes the residents are so distressed and ask or yell to be allowed to die.

And it's not about the carers, although of course some aren't the best. Just living like that is horrible even if you had the best carers in the world.

I want to enjoy the health and vitality I have now without spoiling it worrying about the future, all I can do is keep myself fit and healthy which is what I do

No because if your worrying about the future you can't enjoy today.

My poor healthy young fit mother also ravaged by dementia that started in her early 60s. Her life for the last few years was intolerable. I am terrified of this too, and don’t like to think about it too much.

Yes. My MIL has been bedbound for 18 months. Trapped in a tiny downstairs room with one window. Reliant on paid carers. But.... She could have made different decisions. She refuses to leave her house and go into a care home. Refused when she was younger to future proof her house. She's had mobility issues for over 20 years and is now living with the consequences of her not thinking about her future.

I don't blame her not wanting to go into a care home though

Yes, I find it pretty scary. I'm 68, fit and in good health as far as I know, but my DH is 75, going downhill fast, has early stage dementia and severe mobility issues, brought on mostly by himself, as he refuses to exercise. I look at him every day and think that I will be in the same position when I am his age. We have no kids and no relatives nearby, so we're on our own when it comes to care in later life. Very depressing ......

Start stashing pills once you begin going downhill. A lot of nurses have said that to me for their own plans.

I would be in favour of euthanasia. So many people on this thread have said if they had dementia they wouldn't want to live like that but unless we are prepared to talk about the possibility of euthanasia and how it could be implemented. Anyone who is diagnosed will live like that.
I don't see why consent couldn't be given with at the early onset. Obviously there would need to be strict guidelines and rules in place.
A dnr will not help if the body is strong but you can no longer have any quality of life.
We seem so scared to talk about death when it is a part of life.

I strongly believe that if you have a terminal illness and no quality of life then what's the point of carrying on? I saw it with my sister in the last stages of her awful cancer, basically keeping her alive for what ?? And now with my darling mum and her dreadful dementia. Just let people go with dignity like we do with animals.

The memory of my mum I had for a long time after she died was of her standing at the door of her care home with her coat on and a doll in her arms waiting on a bus to take her to her Mammy 😥😥 crying because she couldn't find her sisters and brothers. When I tried to comfort her she got very upset because she didn't know me.
My mum brought up 6 of us and 21 grandchildren. She was the one person I could turn to with any problems.

NO ONE SHOULD END UP LIKE THAT SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIFIED HOW HER LIFE ENDED

I am so sorry, @ParkheadParadise. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

I honestly believe the law will change. If not because of compassion then because of money. We cannot keep solving people's medical issues and then supporting their care needs. The current middle age generation will also put the pressure on having seen the final years their parents have lived.

In the same way abortion is allowed as long as two drs agree it is in the best interests of the woman (I think that is still the law) end of life could be strictly controlled as long as there is an advance directive from the patient which includes detail about when the patient wishes to die eg for me it would be when I hit Stage 6 (severe) dementia. It could be that the directive has to be re-signed every few years as you age and you are interviewed to be sure it is your decision and not being influenced by family. Then two doctors can agree that stage has been reached and a dignified death can be planned using end of life drugs.

Both myself and the husband have made living wills. Modern medicine can be marvellous but sometimes the medical profession causes more harm than good. There are a lot of very elderly people alive today who quite frankly would have been better off dying in their beds year ago but they are kept alive in a sort of trapped hellish nightmare. I swear its because the state wants to drain every penny before they will let you go. No wonder the NHS is on its knees when they treat every ‘ailment’ going which invariably causes side effects so you have 90 year olds who are on more drugs than Keith Richards. Money making pharmaceuticals.

Oh @ParkheadParadise. That’s heartbreaking. 💐

@Someonemustknowtheanswer

Start stashing pills once you begin going downhill. A lot of nurses have said that to me for their own plans.

A few nurses have said this to me. They will finish themselves off before they let it happen to them. Tells you everything doesn’t it? They know it is cruel.