Anyone else slightly frightened of being elderly and losing quality of life

[Donewithit888]

I work part time in care, and whilst it's very rewarding it depresses me slightly.

A large number of our clients are essentially existing rather than living, people who've had strokes and are now bedbound, no pastimes other than watching TV day in day out. Having to be hoisted in the air several times a day just to use the toilet or get changed.
Incontinent, no awareness of what's going on in their surroundings.

Houses that are absolutely filthy and filled with clutter as they aren't physically capable of cleaning them and don't have local help. Living in one room permanently, rarely seeing the outside world.

Asking your name for the umpteenth time as short term memory issues.
No longer able to feed themselves in some cases.

Being looked after by certain 'carers' who couldn't care less and would rather be anywhere else.

Every time I finish my shifts I pretty much pray to myself that I don't end up that way, but I'm sure the service users also felt the same way when they were younger and in better health.
Just seems to be a bit of a lottery really, we can live healthy lifestyles and look after ourselves but nothing is guaranteed.
Not really sure how you stop thinking like this?

*MintJulia

There is no point worrying about something like that because it won't help. You can however, ensure a healthy lifestyle now to give you a better chance of a healthy old age..

Cut right back on alcohol, cook from scratch, eat lots of fresh fruit & veg, oily fish, wholegrains, reduce sugar intake, get plenty of exercise. Don't smoke or vape.

Reduce your stress levels, your BMI, your cholesterol level.

It all helps.*

@MintJulia that’s really not been the case my experience I’m afraid, I wish it had. Like some PPs I have recently lost my lovely mum after a protracted & brutal illness which devasted her both physically & cognitively. She was fit, independent, active, did not smoke or drink and ate well until she got sick. The last weeks of her life were spent in a nursing home & I’m sad to say her fellow residents were all in the same boat. My heart went out to those residents (& their families) who were physically fit but suffering from some form of dementia, as it seemed likely their suffering would be even more protracted. If anything my experience has made me more inclined to have a drink and eat what I enjoy, & take a few risks - I’d rather drop dead at 60 from a heart attack (like my dad) than live in to my 80s and suffer the indignities of old age & sickness (like my mum).

I think it’s so important we have these discussions about the reality of old age. Most of us don’t have a clue about the challenges we and our families / carers face as we age. When you are in the thick of it - either sick or vulnerable yourself or caring for someone in that situation - you don’t have the time or resources to change or challenge the system. It needs to be a topic we debate at the highest levels to improve experiences for all in the last days of our lives. I also would welcome form of legalised euthanasia. Unfortunately for most of us old age is not like a Saga advert.

So in short YANBU & I am also afraid.

The thing is, and I agree there is an obsession with quantity over quality now, something will give eventually. The issues with social care are crippling now and that’s only going to get worse. I live in area with very high elderly population and also work in community nursing so know first hand the extreme challenges we are facing currently. There are a lot more elderly live here than young people to care for them, it is a rural area so alot if young people leave for better opportunities

Look up dr mark Hyman and David Sinclair. Both talk about different ways to prevent ageing - which is starting to be known as a disease. It’s different to getting older. There are many ways we can look after ourselves to prevent some of these diseases.

[quote SproutLady]@MintJulia my mother lived as you prescribe. She was teetotal, slim, fit, and always cooked from scratch. She had a long protracted death from dementia nonetheless. Virtue is not always rewarded.[/quote]
I have seen this a couple of times in my family too. It's luck, genetics, whatever that they get dementia given the lifestyle, but then when they do get it that healthy lifestyle keeps them alive ages, probably much longer. Like a Catch 22 situation. I wish we could work out a diet and lifestyle that maximised chances of dying from heart disease at 77 or something.

Binky but sadly most people don't actually 'drop dead' of a heart attack. The few risks they've taken may lead to cancer, or a paralysis causing stroke or other massively quality of life changing conditions they then have to live with.
You've no idea what the cholesterol or blood pressure of your mums's fellow residents for example has been throughout their life or whether they were once a smoker. You can be physically fit and have diabetes, but diabetes alone increases cardiovascular disease risk (including dementia) sevenfold.
There's always anomalies and of course other factors come into play, but it's no coincidence the people with chronic conditions I see day after day usually tick at least one of the 'poor lifestyle' boxes.

@Donewithit888 I hear you. Both parents now bedbound. Succession of carers 4 x daily. Some lovely, some well-meaning but a bit unworldly/hopeless - think disposable bed mats into the washing machine/nylon hoists into a tumble dryer so they only fit Barbie. For me it’s the lack of care with someone’s home/furniture and simply not putting stuff back in the right place so that the next person isn’t hunting for it. Spilt drinks all over the carpet? Just Leave it. Splash hand sanitizer over a lacquered table? Just Leave it. Split sugar all over the kitchen surfaces? Just Leave it. I could go on. Thankfully they can afford a cleaner once a week but I know it stresses both parents out. What people don’t realise is that without help from family, keeping a reasonably clean and tidy home and a well/stocked fridge is pretty impossible. Or keeping a much loved pet. The carers aren’t allowed to use an oven or hob and ‘their job is not to run around with the hoover’ or seemingly clean the downstairs loo (that neither parent can get to) after they have soiled it. Thankfully both parents don’t see the majority of what goes on but you are correct, the lack of dignity is alarming. My DH and I have already discussed how we intend to manage when the time comes as we have all 4 parents in their 80’s with carers and frankly it’s a FT job just managing the ‘help’. My heart goes out to anyone on this thread who has their life ahead of them but a body unwilling to cooperate. It’s a very different scenario to end of life care in your eighties. All people deserve the right to live in a clean and tidy home and with dignity. Sadly it’s unlikely that Rishi Sunak will ever be in a position to understand what real world state/private care looks like as his family is wealthy. Labour should be all over this rather than arguing about Downing Street parties or arguing biological facts with JkR 😩

@AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii

The thing is, and I agree there is an obsession with quantity over quality now, something will give eventually. The issues with social care are crippling now and that’s only going to get worse. I live in area with very high elderly population and also work in community nursing so know first hand the extreme challenges we are facing currently. There are a lot more elderly live here than young people to care for them, it is a rural area so alot if young people leave for better opportunities

I agree with this.

I'm in my early 30s and I think by the time I get to that age, one way or another the situation we have now won't still be in place then, because it isn't going to be sustainable across the demographic bulge from the late 1940s-60s as they age. The numbers are just too high.

@Netaporter home caring has changed massively. I did it for a few years 14 years ago and there wasn’t the red tape there Is now. I come across carers daily and the stuff the phone district nurses out for now is ridiculous e.g. a dressing has fell off that we see to 2 times a week anyway, back when I home cared we would just put another on unless a big deterioration where as now they aren’t allowed. If I had half an hour for someone to make them a meal (we could use the cooker!) and I still had time left I’d go around having a tidy up or hanging washing up etc, can’t do that now. I loved home caring and it was that that made me realise nursing was for me, I’d hate to home care now

I hope for a happy, useful life and a swift death. Ive spent a lot of my life in poor health already and have no intention to drag that out at the point that I am not able to find some happiness for myself, or be of some service to others.

Anyone can make an advance directive that states your wishes for future healthcare. Here’s a link to learn more…you don’t have to be approaching end or life to write one.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/end-of-life-care/advance-decision-to-refuse-treatment/

@amylou8

I hope that in the next 40 odd years, when I reach the point of being elderly, we will have some sort of euthanasia in place. Our pets get more dignity than our elderly.

I started writing this and deleted it so will just quote and agree with you!!

@AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii exactly. And on the odd occasion we have a carer like you who hangs out washing or puts a wash on. But they are not the majority. And it is enormously expensive. There is very little VFM. And the district nurse burden is also unsustainable. It’s shambolic.

I work for Adult Social Services. I plan on taking myself off to Dignitas before I reach that stage.

Another part time carer here. I'm terrified at the reality of the lives of most clients. Even the ones living in a good situation, well supported the funds to pay for daily cleaning calls as well as good quality meals etc. They all are frustrated by the length of their lives, restricted to their own houses, completely cut off from their couldn't care less neighbours and families. One client has pointed out to me that I'm unlikely to live as long as her (long active, healthy life, great genetic background for long life). I'm looking at dnar and ideas for basically not cluttering up.the planet beyond my useful to my own children years.

@Netaporter yes a lot of carers seem or are unable to work off their own initiative or autonomously now but on the other hand with it being a rural area unless you want to work in healthcare or agriculture there isn’t much choice so alot of the carers are more than likely doing it as there isn’t much else

Consider joining Dignity in Dying www.dignityindying.org.uk/.

@Onlyforcake I actually agree though and had this exact conversation with my friend, my opinion is these last couple of sets of elderly we are seeing now are the last of the long lifers, they walked more, lived through not so much access to unhealthy food etc whereas we have to much access to crap food, convenience etc although there is still the issue of advanced medical breakthroughs keeping people alive of course

Yes! I am not scared of getting old just scared that I will end of up with dementia. I take good care of myself, eat healthily etc but sometimes wonder why bother when I see elderly folks with Alzheimer’s.

Having seen what a massive stroke has done to my poor mum ( six years now) I am absolutely determined to take control of the end of my life if needs be.
We aren't meant to live protracted, miserable lives with little or no quality. It's unnatural.

My Mum is 81, and was doing well until she tripped 3 weeks ago, and we think cracked a rib. This has been followed by gout, so I am now going over every second day, and when she rings in pain. My weekend is spent doing her shopping and laundry, as well as ours, and I work full time.

She is not enjoying getting old, but life still has enough to offer that she enjoys her social life, drives a car and meets friends for coffee, when she is well.

There was a thread a few days ago about someone's cat, and how poorly it was due to being old. Lots of comments (quite rightly so) about how cruel it was, and the pet should be put to sleep. It was the right thing to do, and what any good responsible owner would do.

My wonderful Nan died age 94 due to old age. It took 3 months for her to die. She starved, her hair fell out, she looked like a skeleton with the skin stretched over it. Horrific doesn't even cover how shocking it was. If this were an animal I'd have been told it was cruel. Somehow being a human makes the opposite true. She wasn't going to get better, she was in pain and starving to death. Why why why is this allowed to happen?

@cptartapp, yes good point, I do understand that not many people just drop dead, or die in their sleep out of the blue etc. I guess my point is that the idea you can stave off ill health & dementia by eating organic vegetables, being teetotal or doing the crossword is a fallacy. The reality is much more complex, & none of us know how our old age will be until we get there, so let’s all be proactive in deciding how to care for our elderly based on how we would like to be cared for ourselves, without excusing ourselves from having these debates facing this reality because ‘it’s unlikely to happen to me’.

There's always anomalies and of course other factors come into play, but it's no coincidence the people with chronic conditions I see day after day usually tick at least one of the 'poor lifestyle' boxes.
I think the biggest risk factor for a lot of these chronic conditions & life limiting illness such as cancer is old age - your risk of developing these health issues increases dramatically as you age, even if you have led a healthy lifestyle.

I'm absolutely terrified. After watching 3 of my grandparents deteriorate, one just into old age and not being physically able to care for herself anymore and 2 with dementia that had to be put in a home (one of which couldn't speak for the last 2 years of her life, and I won't describe how the both looked by the end).

Yes, I do. But I’ve added a paragraph to my Health and Welfare power of attorney, to state that if I develop dementia, or any other condition where I am unable both to care for myself, and speak - with full mental capacity - for myself, then I emphatically do not want any life saving or life prolonging treatment.
I ask for palliative care only.

IMO too many people with a very poor quality of life are kept going when allowing nature to take its course would be kinder - stuffed with pills to keep them ‘healthy’, in and out of hospital for drips, etc., badgering and pestering people to eat and drink when they no longer want to - albeit with the best of intentions.

I say this after 8 years of visiting my mother in a dementia-only care home where she finally died at 97, having known none of her family, and having been unable to hold any sort of conversation, for some years.

Not that she was ever deliberately kept going when nature was trying to let her go - we had made it clear that we wanted no such thing for her - she just had the constitution of a rhinoceros.

I would rather have the choice and not suffer in pain or just existing and give me a happy pill and let me go to sleep forever.