Anyone else slightly frightened of being elderly and losing quality of life

[Donewithit888]

I work part time in care, and whilst it's very rewarding it depresses me slightly.

A large number of our clients are essentially existing rather than living, people who've had strokes and are now bedbound, no pastimes other than watching TV day in day out. Having to be hoisted in the air several times a day just to use the toilet or get changed.
Incontinent, no awareness of what's going on in their surroundings.

Houses that are absolutely filthy and filled with clutter as they aren't physically capable of cleaning them and don't have local help. Living in one room permanently, rarely seeing the outside world.

Asking your name for the umpteenth time as short term memory issues.
No longer able to feed themselves in some cases.

Being looked after by certain 'carers' who couldn't care less and would rather be anywhere else.

Every time I finish my shifts I pretty much pray to myself that I don't end up that way, but I'm sure the service users also felt the same way when they were younger and in better health.
Just seems to be a bit of a lottery really, we can live healthy lifestyles and look after ourselves but nothing is guaranteed.
Not really sure how you stop thinking like this?

[quote Justilou1]@PiperPosey - Sorry about your DD & GD. Glad they live in an era where there is (a leeeeeetle) more understanding about EDS.[/quote]
Thank you so much... Just hate to see my DD (54) and my GD is (21) I hate seeing both of them suffer.
My daughter is a nursing professor and was up on the info when she was diagnosed... 10 years ago.

They have good and bad days as I'm sure you do too. It's their new normal...and it saddens me to think all with EDS have to be drained physically, mentally and emotionally.

Yes, one of my parents died a very long death, the other has dementia. FIL is very poor and has made no provisions. MIL (divorced) has parkinsons and needs a lot of care. It is really shit.

It's very, very scary. I am definitely going to drastically downsize, declutter and live very simply as I get older, in part due to the horror you describe OP of living conditions. I don't want my children to deal with that. I'm 51 and have started on HRT mainly due to the significant protective effects of oestrogen in reducing cognitive decline and osteoporosis, amongst others.

It’s scary and when I look at my in laws now they have no kind of life due to various health issues, though they are relatively lucky in that they are still in their own home and don’t have dementia. My dad is miserable being in his 80s because he had a very active and exciting life, now he is bored.

My mum died at 76 and I was raging for a while at the unfairness of her dying “young” but in some ways it was a blessing because she never had to suffer the indignities and restrictions of real old age. If Euthanasia is a option, I would probably choose it for myself at a certain point rather than go into a home, say.

@MintJulia

MIL too: never smoked, didn’t drink, active and a healthy diet. Currently living in a nursing home due to severe osteoporosis, Parkinson’s and dementia. Can’t do anything herself, doesn’t recognise her own children. It’s horrible.

I hope my parents just die, when the time comes.

I hope that in the next 40 odd years, when I reach the point of being elderly, we will have some sort of euthanasia in place. Our pets get more dignity than our elderly.

It is difficult. We are in our 70s so closer to this than many of you. We live in France with our children spread across Europe. We keep as fit, eat well, have downsized to a converted open-plan barn. Above all we garden, partly because we always have and also because we have observed that the fittest and longest lasting around us are the gardeners and growing our own food feels pretty fundamental. We do word games and jigsaws, read loads and speak English at home and French everywhere else. U3A is good here.
We keep in close touch with family by FaceTime, Messenger etc.
The French system is geared around supporting people in their own homes as long as possible and the health service is excellent.
As to the last bit of our lives, yes the unknown is scary and we obviously have no idea how it will be. We do what we can while we can.

@MintJulia

There is no point worrying about something like that because it won't help. You can however, ensure a healthy lifestyle now to give you a better chance of a healthy old age..

Cut right back on alcohol, cook from scratch, eat lots of fresh fruit & veg, oily fish, wholegrains, reduce sugar intake, get plenty of exercise. Don't smoke or vape.

Reduce your stress levels, your BMI, your cholesterol level.

It all helps.

I actually believe the above is complete bollocks. I’m in my 60’s and the older generation of my family have all lived so called healthy lifes like this. Yet they have all had 5 to 10 years at the end of their life living as the op describes. We need to stop keeping people alive and personally I would like a tablet to take when it all gets too much.

There are some health events you can’t predict

There are however many that are a result of how we treat our bodies, so the better we invest in our bodies during our young years the less likely we will suffer inside our bodies in later years

But many of these people don’t actually realise they are sitting there all day though. Many have memory loss, some sleep a lot. We see it as a long day but they don’t.
But I agree that we keep people alive too long. We put animals down when they are in pain or have no quality of life, but not people.

It would seem a bit perverse and anti-social not to try and preserve physical and cognitive health as long as you can.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4241367/

@Fairyliz You may think it’s bollicks but studies on the subject don’t come to the same conclusion as your thinking

I watched my dad really suffer through painful treatments for three years. His cancer wasn’t killing him, but it was wreaking havoc on his digestive system. Doctors couldn’t appropriately manage his pain at points and he couldn’t even enjoy food. In order to relieve discomfort and pain, Dad had to have lots of horrible procedures that prolonged his life. It seemed at times, it would have been kinder for him to just not wake up. He was very confused and couldn’t always advocate for himself. He had no quality of life, but was fortunate in that he was materially well off and my mum was able to care for him until the end.

I strongly hope that by the time I’m likely to be in that position, I have the option of euthanasia.

PP say there’s no point focusing on maintaining health, but for me, it’s important to make the most of my functioning body whilst I can. I eat well and exercise daily so that I can climb, run and cycle over mountains. If I end up desperately ill or physically impaired in the future, then at least I won’t regret having wasted the time that I was fit and healthy.

Yes I fear losing my dignity and I fear no longer being useful in any way. If I can no longer converse and care for myself, I can't imagine there will be any joy in life. I, too, would prefer to die before this eventuality. I have told my husband this numerous times.

I've been nursing over thirty years and agree too many people live too long. I've spoken to oncologists who admit they would never put their family through treatments which some very poorly elderly patients and their families expect.
And stats show, there will always be anomalies and hereditary factors but the main risks for dementia are indeed smoking, excess alcohol, high BP and cholesterol (often both undiagnosed for years) and diabetes.

We have both made living wills expressing our desire not to be kept alive by intervention when quality of life is seriously impaired.

MIL has health issues and limited movement at 86, but still lives independently. I think for many, without catastrophic ill health, it helps immensely having enough money to afford some basic assistance. She does not require a carer (yet), but she does need a cleaner and grocery delivery arranged for her. She needed us to make adjustments to her home and to buy her a comfortable, suitable bed. Then a walker. For the moment, she is happy with her cat and in her own home. I'd do everything we can to keep her there until she simply cannot, as even if she does spend a lot of time with the tv 'just existing', she is happy in her home.

Yes me. Haunted by it, as I care for an elderly relative who led the perfect healthy mind/body life and is now trapped in dementia. Dr says she's exceptionally physically healthy for her age but her life is bleak. And everything I read suggests even insisting you don't want interventions doesn't prevent it.

I would say to everyone to make a will and LPA’s. A relative of mine refused to get LPA’s or sign anything, and it took a lot of time and stress to get him into a home where he needed to be for his own safety.

I am not sure you could make any intervention for someone with good physical health and dementia. Hopefully the living will works for DNR.

yes but...

I know several people (elderly & young) who are obsessed with what they have lost. I make sympathetic noises when they moan but am secretly annoyed. They forget to remember what they can do. They don't try hard enough to keep what they have (mobility, especially). They are closed minded to trying things that might help "I went for massage once but it didn't help" and no trying that again or thinking about other stuff they could try -- not for lack of money, just if they don't get instant results, they don't keep trying.

Friend feels very depressed about her weight, then says "I don't have a swim suit" when I try to coax her to swim (she won't be biggest in pool, and so what if she was biggest? She's a very competent swimmer, she could afford a big enough suit!)

I know OP is talking about being bedbound & unable to communicate which is extreme end... I guess I don't know that I can't prevent that but I do know I can try to delay it, to get my things in order, to accept help, to get my life decluttered, get a cleaner, down size, let myself go into care, etc., so that when it did happen I could be pleased that at least I wasn't leaving a filthy house for others to sort out. There's so much you Can do, I'm frustrated by people who won't plan ahead for their possible needs or try to protect the quality of life they have now, or find ways to make quality of life even when their options are limited. Stephen Hawking never gave up trying to contribute what he could, did he? I get frustrated seeing people stay in unsuitable properties, who can't find any acceptance that they need help, etc.

So yeah, my way of coping with a severely disabled future is to try to live life well now, to appreciate what I can do, and to try to look after myself and contribute whatever I can. And accept that i won't be young forever, but I can plan to age with dignity.

Yes, I find the thought terrifying. I am already in my mid-sixties and chronically ill. I know that going into a care home would mean a slow and awful death because I wouldn't be able to access the supplements and medicines I currently use in order to keep reasonably OK. I don't know what the answer to this is, I tried hard when younger to eat and live healthily, but I am still like this. I just pray I'll die before I need any type of intervention.

Yes. I've seen what happened to my parents through illness. They weren't old either. We can't take it for granted that we will be still physically and mentally able.

Seeing my Dad with dementia and unable to help him makes me hope that I do not suffer from this bloody awful condition. I had no idea what an awful effect it would have on me, my Mum and my poor Dad who was terrified most of the time.

Yes I think about this quite a lot. People are living longer now but not necessarily in good health. I was a carer for the elderly a few years back and I found that nobody seems to be allowed to pass away from old age anymore. They are taken into hospital , pumped with drugs, resuscitated etc, all to be sent home for more miserable weeks/months/years.
My mother has advanced dementia, she doesn't know anyone anymore,she has DNAR on her medical notes which is what I intend to do if/when I need to xx