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Original poster

To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

476 replies

fmac2987 · 12/03/2022 10:41

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

OP posts:
Pluvia · 12/03/2022 15:03

@gingerhills

I don't get it. She is showing how happy she is having all the advantages of not having children. Why shouldn't she? Does her happiness and freedom offend you? Why?

Can't you just say: looks lovely! Good for you for appreciating the advantages!

She must have wanted DC and it's a very hard thing to come to terms with not having them. Why would you, a friend, be annoyed that she has?

What gingerhills said. Nowhere has the OP said the friend is boasting about 'having a life' — that's what all you mothers have assumed. The OP has criticised her friend for posting about having a glass of wine in the bath which she thinks is a message saying 'I have a life, you don't.'

OP, what could your friend photograph or chat about that wouldn't leave you feeling this way? I imagine there's very little you'd find acceptable. She wouldn't be able to tell you half of what's going on for her — work, holidays, restaurants, visits to friends, nights out. I think you're projecting your own frustrations and doubts onto her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 15:07

Yes and there must be things you DO like about being a parent op or you wouldn’t have gone on to get pregnant again so quick.

picksitallup · 12/03/2022 15:08

Just thinking some more. It's all about timing and the situation.

If my friend with children was texting me complaining about how miserable they were and how much they need a break- I probably wouldn't reply with a pic of a glass of wine and a bath.

However if I was said friend, who knew about the infertility struggles, I would find another friend to moan to about my child struggles and probably not share much about my kids with this friend- unless she specifically asked me.

grapewines · 12/03/2022 15:08

@Eims88

Honestly OP, you need to take a step back and wonder why on earth you are feeling like this just because your friend is enjoying yourself. There's clearly a bigger issue here and you'd be best not placing the blame on your friend and trying to get to the bottom of your own feelings.

Someone sending you a picture of a bath and a glass of wine should not make you spiral like this.

Absolutely agree with this.

Step back if you can't handle it. She is making the best of her life as it is.

picksitallup · 12/03/2022 15:11

Moan to your mum friends about this stuff. Not your child free friends I reckon.

ChoiceMummy · 12/03/2022 15:20

@fmac2987
So you're struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it. How do you think that makes her feel that you're in effect, from her perspective, complaining about the child you have and about to have?

That's your contribution to the discussion, so hers is, I was unsuccessful and have had to give up for her MH and this is me in the bath. Who knows whether she's also drowning her sorrows and wishing she could swap places?

I don't think that she is in the wrong and equally don't think that you are in the right.

Hollywolly1 · 12/03/2022 15:21

Seems to me she's trying to convince herself she now doesn't want children but she's massively projecting on you,I think you need to distance yourself from her situation.
Next time she mentions having wine in the bath just pass it off and say good for you

CastleBeckett · 12/03/2022 15:21

Do you send her pictures of your children @fmac2987? If so how is that any different to her sending you pictures of her life? I went through years of infertility. I have sent my friends pics of my new bath tray with nice candles and products, or myself & DH on a spa weekend at a fancy hotel. That’s just what my life was like and I was sharing it with my friends.

Her reply was mean but honestly it sounds like you are jealous, not that you would trade places but as you’re currently having a hard time with your kids.

picksitallup · 12/03/2022 15:22

[quote ChoiceMummy]@fmac2987
So you're struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it. How do you think that makes her feel that you're in effect, from her perspective, complaining about the child you have and about to have?

That's your contribution to the discussion, so hers is, I was unsuccessful and have had to give up for her MH and this is me in the bath. Who knows whether she's also drowning her sorrows and wishing she could swap places?

I don't think that she is in the wrong and equally don't think that you are in the right.[/quote]
It also depends how on the thick of it they both are with depression. If OP is seriously seriously depressed, she won't be able to see any sense. Which is kind of what this sounds like a bit.

oakleaffy · 12/03/2022 15:23

@Degreeincodology

I think you could be more sensitive. The pain of infertility is unbearable. She's obviously just trying to cope as best she can.
This.

I saw a programme years ago about Infertility, and a lovely Vet was featured.
Next day, had to take dog to vets, and this very same person was locuming for our regular vet.

I found it to hard not to say something.
She described the agony of not being able ti have DC.

Another really lovely woman who would have made an excellent mother also was unable to have any DC..It isn't fair to gloat {Even whingeing about morning sickness} if one is pregnant to women who cannot have DC.

HikingforScenery · 12/03/2022 15:36

If you know how hard she tried to have children without success, I don’t think she’s a good choice to talk to about your struggles with your children tbh. It comes across insensitive and perhaps this is her was of ‘retaliating’.
It doesn’t sound like a viable friendship right now.

Ginger1982 · 12/03/2022 15:44

Come on OP, she's obviously upset if she went through IVF to have kids and it failed and she's seen you had not just one but two kids. I've been there with IVF. I doubt she's just decided she 'doesn't want them'. More like she's trying to get over the fact she can't have them.

Why shouldn't she post pics of her trying to enjoy her childfree life? Or should only those lucky enough to conceive be allowed to laud the advantages? Ok, you're finding parenting tough right now, but that'll pass. She'll never have kids. By all means limit your contact with her, but don't call her out on it.

Tevion28 · 12/03/2022 15:49

Feel compassion for her op just go along with it I'm.telling you now what she has had to come to terms with is heartbreaking.

CastleBeckett · 12/03/2022 15:54

Just read the full thread now and I see @FairyCakeWings is still defending her disgusting suggestion. So glad I don’t know anyone as nasty as you and someone equally lacking in empathy and comprehension.

gobbles · 12/03/2022 16:01

@CastleBeckett

Just read the full thread now and I see *@FairyCakeWings* is still defending her disgusting suggestion. So glad I don’t know anyone as nasty as you and someone equally lacking in empathy and comprehension.
Same. By far one of the worst takes I have come across on here. I really hope OP has more compassion, empathy and common sense to see this would be such a cruel response to the situation. Given the OP herself has had to endure IVF, but was one of the lucky ones, I would hope she does.
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 16:02

@FairyCakeWings

I agree that it’s probably coming from a place of pain and she’s actually just trying to convince herself that her life is better for not having children.

It’s insensitive though and you aren’t there to be an emotional punchbag for her to make her feel better about herself, so I’d do the same right back at her. For every picture she sends you of her bubble bath, you send her one of your children with the loved up emoji attached.

That might seem a bit mean, but hopefully it wouldn’t take her long before she gets the hint.

@FairyCakeWings That’s an awful suggestion. Plus it doesn’t sound that Op is actually feeling all too confident and loved up about her life choices right now
Tiddlesthecat · 12/03/2022 16:05

She is being insensitive towards you. You have been insensitive towards her by moaning about finding your kids difficult. You both need to avoid the topic.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 16:05

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@fmac2987

OP, your going to get a lot of people on any thread like this who are overly defensive and get their heckles up at any perceived criticism of something a childless/free woman does. Dollars in your doughnuts they are very similar in every day attitude to her and have issues surrounding the issue of children.

She’s obviously got a complex about you and kids in general, it’s that simple. Step away from the relationship.[/quote]
@BigOlDingleSlinger69
NEWSFLASH! Not every woman wants kids! So some of the women who say they don’t want kids will genuinely not want them! Maybe they did want them and have changed their mind. Maybe they never wanted them. Not every woman who defends a child free woman has “issues” around children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 16:08

Can’t believe in this day and age there are people
who cannot believe that some women genuinely don’t want kids and think that those that say they don’t want kids are just kidding themselves as deep down of course they do or they must have some sort of “issues” or “complex” about it

grapewines · 12/03/2022 16:17

I don't have issues around children. I have issues with women who think childfree women don't know their own mind ...

It's fucking 2022. People want different things.

ButterfliesAndDaffodils · 12/03/2022 16:26

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Being childless isn't the go ahead to treat your friends like shit.. Back away she isn't a friend. Send her a few pics of your dc first. A true friend would be happy for you.
Why on earth would you do something so deliberately cruel? Seriously, I'm interested to know. What the fuck would motivate you to do that?
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 16:27

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping
No wonder some women find themselves friendless after having kids if this is the way they go on

grapewines · 12/03/2022 16:29

Send her a few pics of your dc first. A true friend would be happy for you.

A true friend who knew her friend's IVF had been unsuccessful would not be sending pictures of her children. That's cruel and completely unnecessary.

Firefly1987 · 12/03/2022 16:30

I don't see how she's doing anything wrong? She's trying to enjoy her life and you don't like her doing that so you backed away and she called you out on it as you were ignoring her. Sounds like she's right you are jealous and don't like her showing off her life. Think she can do with better friends tbh.

Ginger1982 · 12/03/2022 16:32

@LuckySantangelo35

Can’t believe in this day and age there are people who cannot believe that some women genuinely don’t want kids and think that those that say they don’t want kids are just kidding themselves as deep down of course they do or they must have some sort of “issues” or “complex” about it
I agree, but in this case it sounds like the OP's friend has gone through a lot in a quest to have kids which would suggest she is coming to terms with not being able to have them ratter than genuinely not wanting them. IVF is not something you undertake easily.
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