To ignore this bananas lawyers letter from ex?

[nomdeplooom]

(Namechanged to avoid further bananas behaviour)

Separated from ex husband 11 years ago. Been with partner for 10 years and have two DC by ex- 16&14yold.

To cut a very long story short - Ex has what I reckon is a personality disorder. He's been diagnosed with both severe clinical depression and bi-polar in past, but because of his behaviour, it's hard to know what's true and what's been embellished as he LOVES the dramaaaa.

The past 11 years have been pretty hairy - lots of girlfriends, only one of which stuck around for any real time - no job, mental health rollercoaster, unsettled and struggling on the whole. Lots of anger towards me and my partner. Periods of being very unreliable with contact, but until they were teens, they wanted to see him when he was able to take them, and for spells he was better. You could be certain that the good spells wouldn't last though, and usually it was no money to see them (no job for 10 years), or too ill - both physically and mentally. Most of the effort he made with them was on social media - Loads of daily texts/messages. I'd see his texts and they were embarrassingly - all teenage 'yo girlfiend!' jargon and trying to be 'one of them' - desperately compensation for a lack of real parenting. He still believes that they have a 'magical relationship' (according to his enormous ranting emails).

Fast fwd to covid - lockdown, and eldest's mental health declined and turned out she was self harming. Obviously got her help/support and in talking to counsellor she opened up about her dad and how she was struggling to deal with him - she'd go for the weekend and he'd stay in bed, his moods would be up and down, and she hated his girlfriend, who he split from but was still on the scene. Lots came out she'd never told me. This also triggered conversations with my youngest who felt similarly about her discomfort when staying with him. When lockdown eased off there was a decision to be made about going for Xmas and they eventually said they'd go (it was his turn). I got a call on xmas day asking to be picked up - his behaviour was unstable (lots of gaslighting and 'you hate me etc' - all the things he used to do to me) and it frightened them. After that everything changed - they stopped wanting to see him and they spoke much more about how they felt uncomfortable and unsafe (not in a physical sense, but in the sense that he'd put them in risky situations and didn't take care of them properly).

Because he has so much resentment against me, the kids not wanting to see him anymore has caused an increase in friction. Lots of emails demanding contact, calling me every name under the sun, and he refuses to believe it's their decision - I must have manipulated them blahblah. He pestered them on social media to the extent they blocked him and has refused to take their very valid concerns on board. We've all now blocked him on all platforms and moved home, not telling him our new address. He lives about 30mins away and turned up at their school with letters for them, which school refused to give them. They have regular nightmare about seeing him and I'm arranging counselling as it's really affected them, causing anxiety and stress. Despite this, since they stopped seeing him, my eldest has stopped self harming and got straight As in her prelims.

Today I got a letter (at my work) from a solicitor saying he's concerned about his children's welfare and that we need to put the youngest (he can't do anything about eldest as she's over 16) back in touch with him immediately. They requested a response from our solicitor.

AIBU to toss that shit in the bin and just keep ploughing onward - or does he stand a chance in court? Surely you can't force a 14 year old to do anything they don't want to do! She's adamant she doesn't want to see him and turned down an offer of mediation.

I’d ask your solicitor to respond, then if he does take you to court (unlikely) you haven’t ignored it. No court will force your daughter to see him, he’s going down the wrong path as he’s going to alienate them even more. He’s not the first and he won’t be the last to try and blame the mother when it’s his incompetence as a parent that’s to blame. But hey Ho easier to blame someone else

My ex did this, I kept the letter as evidence but eventually after many years of solicitors letters I had to ignore them and stop going to the court appearances he arranged.
My son was much younger, nothing happened. DS didn't see his son again until he was an adult. There has been no court summons.

I would not ignore it. I have spent the last 4.5 years in the family court system and what always made the judge look favourably on me was the fact I'd never stopped our children having a relationship with their father (I just asked that it be supervised). I would do a letter to his solicitor explaining what your ex has been doing, how it impacted on the children's mental health and saying your daughter is adamant she does not want contact at this stage and won't consider it until he has availed himself of help. He could take action through the courts but unlikely to be able to afford it.

@nomdeplooom
At this time, other than if you sought the free 30 minutes advice, I wouldn't pay for advice.. When it comes to family court, they can tell you anything pretty much and it could be the outcome, there are no guarantees.
On the whole, the court does prefer contact to remain. But you have presumably a lot of evidence regarding the situation, and could call on reports etc. Certainly, there is also the evidence on the children's Facebook messages that I hope hasn't been deleted as well.
Did he last see them Christmas 2021 before they requested to come home or 2020?
If 2021, it wouldn't be seen as such a long time ago, that a court would say they need to femailiarise themselves if contact was pushed. But if 2020,you could easily push to needing this.
However, many courts will take the 14yo opinion into account. Does he have contact with his family? If they were pushing for example for contact it could be advisable to say only in the presence of grandparents for example to safeguard her emotional wellbeing.
Obviously you would need to push for medical evidence regarding his MH. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that MH alone is a reason for reduced contact. It has to be about why its not best interests of your children.

Re the letter. I'd respond something alone the lines of, I note your letter of x date. Unsupervised Contact for 14yo is inappropriate and not in her best interests. It is my duty to safeguard her.

Saying no more, but leaving it very much unsaid that there are issues. Any solicitor worth their salt will then start to ask difficult questions of your ex. Atm she's literally writing letters that he could be scripting! He's paying her to. She has no legal weight. So you just rebuff in the same way. He'd then have to pay for mediation (if there was no dv) and then apply to court. The speed they're moving at now, you're unlikely to get a first hearing for 2 to 3 months after all if received. And then by the time cafcass and evidence is requested would be autumn I'd have thought and possibly not even final hearing until Christmas or even next year! *And ultimately, if he's awarded contact, you simply state at each point, you made her available, you cannot manhandle and force her to attend the contact at 14 /15yo.

Much as it is painful to even have to respond or have any contact with him, I think you need to talk to your solicitor.

I think that contacting you via work is unacceptable also.

I really think you should take legal advice. If the legal advise is ignore it, only ignore it then. You don’t want to appear obstructive.
I watched a friend fight a five year court case for access to his kids - he argued parental alienation. It was unenforceable even when the court ruled in his favour (the kids just didn’t turn up) but hugely costly, draining and time consuming.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I agree with you entirely but unfortunately have experience of 14 year olds being forced to go under Child Arrangement Orders.

The family court gives priority to fathers over children imo. Try and drag it out until they are 15.

Really? I have had the opposite. Never seen a child over the age of about 12 forced to go to contact they don't want.

I know he'd probably get legal aid with being unemployed

Legal aid isn't awarded for private proceedings on the basis of low income anymore. He isn't likely to qualify.

@secretsqizzle

I would reply to the solicitor thus ;

Dear Solicitors name,

Regarding your letter of the (date) , requesting renewed contact between your client and our youngest daughter.
It has been made very clear to your client that his daughter does not wish to pursue contact at present. If this is an assertion your client wishes to challenge then I suggest he makes an application for a CAO in the normal manner - and our daughter will explain her reasons directly to the judge.
I will not be responding to any more correspondence in this matter outside of court proceedings.

Yours sincerely

Nomdeeploom.

You absolutely do NOT have to reply to solicitors letters. They have no special powers. It's the court that makes the rules. However it could be a smart move to respond once - just in case he is stupid enough to waste money on court. You will then be able to show you engaged with him and stated the situation clearly . You don't need a solicitor to do this.

Yes this is what I would do too. He seems to have just decided he's going to waste your time and money with this latest nonsense, don't give him the satisfaction.

I agree. Do reply but make it clear and short as in the suggested letter above.

Have you still got the ranty emails? Print them out. Also see if the school will provide a statement detailing what went on there and write your own statement of other examples of his unstable behaviour, just so it's all documented.

Your poor girls, I hope they'll be OK, it's so unfair that a person who is supposed to keep them safe is affecting their mental health like this.

Honestly having been through the family court twice they make bonkers decisions & I wouldn't assume anything - he has got it together to get a solicitor & if he takes steps you'd be expected to attend mediation.
I'd take it in stages, firstly have a free 1/2 hr chat with a solicitor & go from there. Bear in mind though that they will often be all about money so maybe have a chat with two just to get an overview.
NB he won't get legal aid even if he's on benefits, unless he claims he's been subjected to abuse somehow & solicitors have to prove this to some degree.

Absolutely reply as secret suggested...do not waste money going via your solicitor. Honestly, no drama necessary .

If you reply keep it short and blandly neutral. Definitely don't use it as a chance to say "you did xyz".

You have done well for your children op. I have no advice. Once the children are 18 you are rid of it all op. Nearly there.

@TheReddestJohansson

OP you sound great, and I feel awful for your daughters.

My DH and I have some experience of this going legal (am being deliberately vague here). We had extensive contact with solicitors and sent many, many letters and mediation was at the core of our situation.

Mediation being offered and ignored is not a good move as it sets you up as being unreasonable (however unfair). Should this get to court he will be seen as a desperate father who tried everything to avoid court and you will be painted as the manipulative mother who ignored his reasonable attempts at resolution.

In court attempts at mediation are viewed as an essential stepping stone. If it is avoided by one party, it can cost that party very dearly. He’s being very deliberate here and you mustn’t ignore it.

I’d suggest replying and accepting the mediation.

The process involves the mediator contacting both parties separately at first. At no time will your children need to be in a room alone with him, it can be done as a family and even over zoom. It’s an INCREDIBLY positive and helpful process when done well, and may help him understand the situation better too. Yes, you both pay half, but that’s fair and may well save you thousands in court costs (in court the party who declined mediation is often held liable for both sides fees).

Please do not ignore this letter. X

As a general point mediation is NOT recommended when there has been domestic abuse. Women need to protect themselves from toxic men too. My daughter did not have to go through mediation and no one suggested that she should. She wasn't told off in family court for ignoring her ex and doing everything via the family court system. In fact social services told her not to see or contact him.

Didn't make the slightest bit of difference in the end as he has unsupervised contact now.

@nomdeplooom
I too guess that you are in Scotland. So some of the advice already given may not be valid due to differences in systems and processes.
Take proper, professional advice before taking any action.

You are clearly an exemplary parent, and since you have already provided external support for your DDs - which has clearly been beneficial to them - then that itself speaks volumes. Your DDs sound mature and know their own minds, which is a credit to you (as well as doing well at school, which is remarkable given the circumstances).

All the best to you all.

Ignore it.

I have plenty of experience with solicitors letters. You do not need to reply. And for anyone saying a court will force your youngest - no they won't. She is old enough to make up her own mind. If you do decide to respond list every single reason your youngest does not want to see him and why it is best she doesn't including her self harming etc.

if you sought the 30 minutes free advice

Once again for those in the back who always seem to miss it — this generally isn’t a thing Mostly if you want a solicitor for this kind of thing, you need to pay for it.

The family court gives priority to fathers over children imo.

The family court gives priority over children. They might not always make a decision you feel is the right one, but their priority is the child.

AIBU to toss that shit in the bin and just keep ploughing onward - or does he stand a chance in court? Surely you can't force a 14 year old to do anything they don't want to do! She's adamant she doesn't want to see him and turned down an offer of mediation.

I don’t think I would toss it. You don’t have to respond but it would seem in most cases it’s a good idea to. Only you can decide if it is best for you.

Have you thought about dealing with his harassment in a legal way? That might help.

YABU to ignore the letter, and to listen to idiots on here suggesting you do so.

As others here have, thankfully, said, talk to your solicitor to prepare a response that ensures your girls' continued safety.

I too guess that you are in Scotland. So some of the advice already given may not be valid due to differences in systems and processes.

Not knowing the law applies to most of the responses on MN giving advice about legal matters. The variances in Scotland makes no difference in that regard. But, to clarify, children over 12 are deemed capable of making a decision in regards to contact.

In my experience, I’ve been through this with a friend, Baskin is right. My friend’s child was 12, about to turn 13 and refused to keep seeing his father. It did go to court and was horrendous but the child was deemed Gillick competent and his wishes and welfare were put first.

Legal advice might be a good thing if only to put your mind at rest. Other than that I would ignore the loon.

Definitely speak to a solicitor. I don’t think the court would force a 14 year old to have contact with their nrp but it’s worth trying to resolve this now rather than letting it get to court and stress you and your kids out further.

As an aside, I don’t blame you and your child for rejecting mediation with their dad. Given his behaviour and attitude already it wouldn’t have worked.

God O.P. I thought you were my sister in law... your story is totally her exact story. He ex is mentally unstable narcissist.

I would keep but ignore the letter for now. I was going to say you could always of needed say you never received it but it may have been sent by recorded delivery.

Either way ignore it for now. He wants to engage and go round in circles all over again.

If you do need to end up responding to further letters, I think you then need to say my daughter does not feel safe in his prescence etc as she doesn't (neglected and emotionally abused as that is exactly what he is doing)

My neice and nephew are now N.C at tge moment with their father through their choice. Perhaps they will be in contact again one day if they choose to. They are 16 and 19.

Roll on your youngest turning 16 too.

Good luck, I know how stressful exhausting and draining it must be.

I have plenty of experience with solicitors letters

I have plenty of experience of airports. Doesn't mean I know how to land a plane.

Every parental contact situation is individual. What worked for you or anyone else cannot be generalised to the OP's situation.