To ignore this bananas lawyers letter from ex?

[nomdeplooom]

(Namechanged to avoid further bananas behaviour)

Separated from ex husband 11 years ago. Been with partner for 10 years and have two DC by ex- 16&14yold.

To cut a very long story short - Ex has what I reckon is a personality disorder. He's been diagnosed with both severe clinical depression and bi-polar in past, but because of his behaviour, it's hard to know what's true and what's been embellished as he LOVES the dramaaaa.

The past 11 years have been pretty hairy - lots of girlfriends, only one of which stuck around for any real time - no job, mental health rollercoaster, unsettled and struggling on the whole. Lots of anger towards me and my partner. Periods of being very unreliable with contact, but until they were teens, they wanted to see him when he was able to take them, and for spells he was better. You could be certain that the good spells wouldn't last though, and usually it was no money to see them (no job for 10 years), or too ill - both physically and mentally. Most of the effort he made with them was on social media - Loads of daily texts/messages. I'd see his texts and they were embarrassingly - all teenage 'yo girlfiend!' jargon and trying to be 'one of them' - desperately compensation for a lack of real parenting. He still believes that they have a 'magical relationship' (according to his enormous ranting emails).

Fast fwd to covid - lockdown, and eldest's mental health declined and turned out she was self harming. Obviously got her help/support and in talking to counsellor she opened up about her dad and how she was struggling to deal with him - she'd go for the weekend and he'd stay in bed, his moods would be up and down, and she hated his girlfriend, who he split from but was still on the scene. Lots came out she'd never told me. This also triggered conversations with my youngest who felt similarly about her discomfort when staying with him. When lockdown eased off there was a decision to be made about going for Xmas and they eventually said they'd go (it was his turn). I got a call on xmas day asking to be picked up - his behaviour was unstable (lots of gaslighting and 'you hate me etc' - all the things he used to do to me) and it frightened them. After that everything changed - they stopped wanting to see him and they spoke much more about how they felt uncomfortable and unsafe (not in a physical sense, but in the sense that he'd put them in risky situations and didn't take care of them properly).

Because he has so much resentment against me, the kids not wanting to see him anymore has caused an increase in friction. Lots of emails demanding contact, calling me every name under the sun, and he refuses to believe it's their decision - I must have manipulated them blahblah. He pestered them on social media to the extent they blocked him and has refused to take their very valid concerns on board. We've all now blocked him on all platforms and moved home, not telling him our new address. He lives about 30mins away and turned up at their school with letters for them, which school refused to give them. They have regular nightmare about seeing him and I'm arranging counselling as it's really affected them, causing anxiety and stress. Despite this, since they stopped seeing him, my eldest has stopped self harming and got straight As in her prelims.

Today I got a letter (at my work) from a solicitor saying he's concerned about his children's welfare and that we need to put the youngest (he can't do anything about eldest as she's over 16) back in touch with him immediately. They requested a response from our solicitor.

AIBU to toss that shit in the bin and just keep ploughing onward - or does he stand a chance in court? Surely you can't force a 14 year old to do anything they don't want to do! She's adamant she doesn't want to see him and turned down an offer of mediation.

I would always get legal advice but at 13 my experience is that your child will be listened to. As she's a minor you could go to court on their behalf and get contact stopped officially with a court awarded lawyer for the child.

My kids chose to stop seeing their Dad in similar circumstances. The court forced mediation in a center with him for 3 months. At the end of that the kids asked for a break.

We actually took him back to court because he refused to allow a change of schools after we moved. At this point we asked that his parental responsibility be removed. Amazingly it happened.

He's taken me to court 4x over the years so it was a long time coming.

They've not seen him since 2015 when they were just 9 & 10. So honestly at 14 your child should be fine. The wheels of Justice are very slow but I'd be looking if the court (or you) can get her a lawyer.

Obviously every case is different and I don't say this to scare you but more as a balance to those saying a court would never make a child see someone they don't want to...first hand experience that they do.

Two kids who said clearly to the school, their social worker and the police that they didn't want to be with their dad and step mum (for many valid reasons including low level physical and mental abuse), spent ££££ on barristers and Judge said the kids had to, even as far as 50/50.

So unfortunately it does happen.

This is tricky. Your ex sounds unstable so may enjoy the drama of a court battle in which he could cause you misery as he has nothing to lose. So a reply to his letter could inflame the situation or he might actually listen to a solicitor and the penny might finally drop.

I have no experience of family law so I would see a solicitor to find out what your options are (this may include the option of not replying, but at least if it did go further you could say that you didn’t reply on solicitor’s advice). If a solicitor would listen to your girls He/she would be able to advocate for them directly rather than a response coming from you individually which he might take as a challenge?

Good luck OP, you sound like you’ve been through the wringer with your ex and you sound like a fantastic mum with fantastic girls x

Yeah you need to seek proper legal advice and not mumsnet.
It is a long long time since I did any family law but ignoring anything to do with family matters children and contact is a bad choice. Get current advice from a solicitor and go from there.

I will say one thing only about solicitors' letters... and this is a fact.
If it's not been court ordered, you can wipe your backside with that letter.
Never ever ever forget that a lawyer advises on legal matters. But they do not make judgments. That's for the court to do. He can apply to court and see where he gets with that. You don't have to do or say a thing.
Your DD is 16 and can tell her dad to kindly fuck off if she wishes.

Do not reply to this letter. Although... every time you reply, your ex pays a fee to his solicitor for the pleasure. So sending a few replies next week will get him to shut up for a while once he's paid for the pleasure of dragging everyone into his little echo chamber.

You could write back to the solicitor explaining the situation. I'm sure he has not been honest with her. Your daughter is 14 and knows her own mind. Once it's clear how your daughter feels and how ill your ex is, I'm sure the solicitor will tell him its useless. If it persists go to CAB

And OP... if you do write back, write it yourself!

There is absolutely no need to write back or pay a solicitor to write a letter. Don't let this controlling dickhead drain your funds on his little race to the bottom (because that is what this is). If he wants to die on that hill, that's his stupidity. Don't get dragged into it.
If I were you, I'd live by the mantra 'Silence is golden'.

14... not 16. My bad. It changes none of my advice to you, OP.
If it's any comfort, I've self-represented in two divorces and family proceedings. Know your rights. Know your children's rights.

If his solicitor were a decent sort, he'd have applied to the courts by now (or years ago). The fact that he continues to engage in a battle and harrass you rather than actually apply for contact through the courts and prove himself a worthy father, says it all.

I think one of the most protective things you can do is to get your 14 year old therapy with a psychologist who can then write a report if/when necessary to present to the court (if that day comes when he decides to go through the correct channel for contact). She has a voice, at 14, and a family court will absolutely hear that voice. Therapy will help her. He sounds like he enjoys inflicting trauma on all of you. Maybe family therapy for the 3 of you is the solution... but also, it will offer hard proof of the psychological torment you are constantly dealing with on account of his abusive harassment.

This guy's an asshole, OP.

I'm in a similar position O P with an ex with severe mental health issues taking me to court re our 11 year old dd who is frightened of him. My barrister told me that once a child reaches 13, the courts will listen to their wishes and if she doesn't want to see him the court wouldn't force it. Your dd is older but maybe respond to the letter to the solicitor advising that your dd does not wish to have contact so they stop pestering you. If I was you you could inform the solicitor that you want no more contact with him directly ie emails, letters or phone calls sp he will stop harassing you.

In a similar position here. Got a family court order forbidding contact unless agreed in writing my.kids are 11 and 12. Barrister involved in issuing the order. Honestly you need to show all of this to your trusted solicitor specialist in family law. Mine were brilliant and my children are safe now knowing ex dh can never harm them or take them away. Do it..

You sound like a great mum, you're putting the children first. I'd ignore it.

Could you write back yourself and say you've suggested mediation to her and she had refused that option along with any other contact but knows it is available should she change her mind? I have no idea if that will work but I can't see the point if paying a solicitor if you can just write it yourself.

He sounds very like a narcissist ex I know. Not mine thank goodness, but the behaviour sounds very similar, even down to the solicitor's letter about his "concern". I'd ignore. Luckily your kids are old enough to see through him and to make their own decisions.

I'd keep the letter and ignore him.

He won't do anything. He's too broke and lazy to take you to court.

OP are you in Scotland (mention of prelims instead of mocks is something I've only heard there 🙂)? I don't know the ins and outs but do know that some elements of law are different to England if you are........ personally I would take advice from a family lawyer rather than ignore completely just in case.
Regardless of that your ex sounds a complete twunt and you have done everything possible to make sure your lovely DC have the best outcomes. Hope they are both ok

Also how dare he send a letter like that to your work. How inappropriate. You might not work there. Can you take a copy and then return
To sender as not known at this address??

@Lockheart

Your solicitor needs to respond to the letter, you don't have to give him contact immediately. Do not ignore the letter. If it goes to court that will not reflect well on you.

Not necessarily. You can pay a solicitor to write anything. It has no more legality than if he had written the letter himself. The op doesn't need to employ her own solicitor to reply either. They aren't in a legal process, but of course op can talk to one if she wishes.

Just to reassure you, OP, he won’t get legal aid for this, even if he is on benefits. Legal aid is not available for these sorts of matters anymore, unless he is a victim of domestic abuse (if you’re in England/Wales). So he won’t be able to afford to keep going with a solicitor. I would probably ignore for now too but then if you get anything else or a threat of legal proceedings, you will need to reply just to ensure that you look reasonable in the eyes of the court.

Very very very unlikely that they would force a 14 yo to see her father, especially with the clear evidence of his instability.

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

I have both professional and personal experience in this area. Children are forced into contact with abusive men. It's a fact unfortunately. Whilst the vast majority of custody cases are settled outside of court of those that do end in proceedings (approx 10%) applicant fathers are more successful than mothers. This is particularly the case where there are allegations of abuse. Domestic abuse victims are 5 times more likely to have false allegations of parental alienation levelled against them - it is recognised as a tool abusive men use to continue control of their victims.

I know of one case where the father had been convicted of sexual abuse, served several years in prison and was still awarded unsupervised contact. The mother was threatened with reversal of residency by CAFCASS if she refused to comply. I've posted about it before.

The recent Dispatches episode Torn Apart about how contact is enforced is an eye opener and demonstrates the broken family court system.

I don't want to panic the OP. Children are listened to as they get older to but in many cases their wishes are overridden for the desire by CAFCASS to promote contact with both parents. For those saying it would never happen with a 14 year old I can assure you it can and does.

Fortunately for the op due to the pandemic backlog the average case is taking 18 months which will mean their dc are far closer to 16. That's if he even attempts it. It's more likely just sabre rattling and empty threats which is so often the case with deadbeat fathers.

By far your best bet OP is just to delay and drag things out as long as you can

Try not to worry about it, if he does go to court for private proceedings your children would be allocated a guardian who would speak to them and get their views. the court absolutely would listen to the views of a 13/14 year old and as previous people have said no one can physically force a child to go if they don't want to go. if an order was made then you only have to make the children available for contact if they choose not to go then thats their choice.

The youngest is 14 and says she feels unsafe and abused by him. Seriously, no sheriff is going to force her to see him. She has the right to decide for herself.

Don’t bother with a solicitor - unless he’s actually taking you to court. You can email the solicitor back yourself to say that both girls have reported serious welfare concerns when in his care and do not want to see him because they will be in situations where they feel unsafe. You look forward to hearing how he plans to rectify this.

A solicitor’s letter is just a letter. Nothing more.

Ignore it, she's 14 it won't make it to court and if it does they'll ask her what she wants and take the lead from her

There’s also proof that they have reported welfare concerns - from the counselling.

I’d also say the OP is almost certainly in Scotland (the clue is the prelims). The system and processes are different.

A 14 year old will be listened to. Even more so as she’ll be 15/16 by the time it ever got near a sheriff.

He’s got no job. He can’t afford court action anyway. Paying for a solicitor’s letter to make you feel threatened is likely the limit of his means.

I’m sure your solicitor would be equally reassuring