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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DD's friend's mum should call me about sleepoever and not the other way around

106 replies

FredoWasWeakAndStupid · 11/03/2022 18:47

Dd 13 has a new friend and has gone over there this afternoon. They made a vague plan for a sleepover earlier this week which even this afternoon wasn't certain. I haven't met the friend but they live in a village about 5 miles away with a large blended family. DD's had a very difficult few months, withdrawn from a lot of things, and initially I was pleased she had a new friend but tonight's plans are very fuzzy and I don't know the stepmum or dad at all. AIBU to think that the stepmum should be the one to call me and introduce herself given DD could be sleeping under her roof tonight.

OP posts:
CarlCarlson · 11/03/2022 18:48

At 13 I don’t think that’s the done thing is it? The kids just sort it out. They’re not babies

Simonjt · 11/03/2022 18:49

Surely not really a done thing when they’re 13, plus I’m not sure why the step parent should be the one organising, if you want a call etc it should be from the actual parent.

Chocomelon · 11/03/2022 18:51

I think if you want to speak to her then you call or ask to talk to her. I'm not sure you should have expectations of them to call you.

TheSnowyOwl · 11/03/2022 18:51

Surely if anyone calls, it’s you since you are the one with concerns. Any conversation should be between you and the dad as well.

Ponoka7 · 11/03/2022 18:53

It does need the adults to confirm that they are there and they will be supervised overnight. But as said, you can call them. It's on both of you.

LemonSqueezy0 · 11/03/2022 18:53

Why wouldn't you call, if you are worried?

And why are you thinking it's the stepmum's place to organise it?? Out of everyone involved in this, she has the least reason to be involved...why you expect her to make more effort than you, or the other child's father is a bit ridiculous to be honest..

Stressedout1009 · 11/03/2022 18:54

I think its you who should be calling. I mean the concern is from your side not theirs.

Porcupineintherough · 11/03/2022 18:55

I shamed my two by insisting that all friend's parents had our phone number and vice versa the first time they slept over here when they were that age. I think that's reasonable at 13.

Original poster
FredoWasWeakAndStupid · 11/03/2022 18:55

Birth mum is dead, dad's hands off, so there's no parent who would call me - stepmum therefore a step removed. Take the point about they are not babies but like I said she's had a difficult few months and this is the first actual time out socially for a long time so I didn't want to go too hard on DD for details of arrangements, but I am not even sure which house in the village is the one the family are in.

OP posts:
derekthe1adyhamster · 11/03/2022 18:57

I always messaged the parents to check they knew that my DS had been invited by their child!

LaTangerina · 11/03/2022 18:58

Honestly that sounds like typical teen behaviour - fuzzy plans that either don't come together until last minute, or don't come together at all. Plans that can change last minute!
You'd be surprised how many 13 year olds parents wouldn't bother to contact the other parent. I've had this myself & have had to get my teen to get the parents number so I can contact them to check all is OK. Or ask your teen to get their mum to text you.

FloraFoxx · 11/03/2022 19:00

Just text her if you're anxious but at 13 it really is the dc who do the arranging.

CannaBelieve · 11/03/2022 19:01

13...vulnerable....dad couldnt care less....blended family....lots of people...you dont have a clue where they live....dont have a clue who they are

and you think a difficult few months ends here?

Unsureaboutit9 · 11/03/2022 19:04

I’d say it’s your responsibility to get in contact and check were she’s sleeping, not someone else’s. Especially as they are 13 if your daughter has said ‘my mum nos we’re I am and is fine’ then why wouldn’t the woman accept that? Just call her and check the plans.

cantbecoping · 11/03/2022 19:04

Nope, if I had an issue or concern, I would ring the Mother myself.

SolasAnla · 11/03/2022 19:05

You and your DD need to set your rules of how sleepovers and other social engagements are organised. If you want to meet the parents / family then thats your social contract with DD. If you want 24hr notice and her to pack toothbrush then thats your agreement.
And she has discussed how she achieves what you agree.

As a minimum at 13 your daughter should be calling you to introduce you to her friends mother/father.
(Note how we presume that the mother is responsible for safeguarding).
The objective should be to prove Dd is staying in a home which has a responsible adult (and not a house which is party central and adult free). If she cant do that she comes home.

latetothefisting · 11/03/2022 19:05

Just ask your dd for the address if that's your issue? Her friend can send you her stepmum or dads contact number if you want to contact them/to have for an emergency, although you will probably mortify your dd if you do. I agree with pps that it's completely normal for you not to get involved with socialising when they're in secondary school, and if anything if you are the one concerned the onus is on you to ring and check, not the other girl's parents.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 11/03/2022 19:07

At 13, I would drop my dd off and go in to introduce myself (and have a look to make sure I was happy with the environment before I let my child stay with people I didn’t know)

MsFogi · 11/03/2022 19:09

No once the dcs are in secondary school I get the contact for the parent at the house they are going to and make contact.

GameOfGoats · 11/03/2022 19:09

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met? Shock

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

CannaBelieve · 11/03/2022 19:09

@FirstTimeSecondTime

At 13, I would drop my dd off and go in to introduce myself (and have a look to make sure I was happy with the environment before I let my child stay with people I didn’t know)
what would you do if you weren't happy with the environment, bearing in mind your dd has probably disappeared with other child at this point?
CannaBelieve · 11/03/2022 19:10

@GameOfGoats

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met? Shock

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

absolutely this!!
GameOfGoats · 11/03/2022 19:10

@CannaBelieve your thoughts are my first thoughts.

givethatbabyaname · 11/03/2022 19:10

She’s your daughter, you’re the one with concerns - why are you abrogating responsibility? Don’t you WANT to know where your child will be spending the night? And who she will be spending it with? What if the stepmom never calls? Why is this even a question, let alone such a petty one?

Just pick up the phone and call! What’s the big deal?!

Howshouldibehave · 11/03/2022 19:13

AIBU to think that the stepmum should be the one to call me and introduce herself given DD could be sleeping under her roof tonight

YABU

If you’re worried, you contact them.

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