to think DD's friend's mum should call me about sleepoever and not the other way around

[FredoWasWeakAndStupid]

Dd 13 has a new friend and has gone over there this afternoon. They made a vague plan for a sleepover earlier this week which even this afternoon wasn't certain. I haven't met the friend but they live in a village about 5 miles away with a large blended family. DD's had a very difficult few months, withdrawn from a lot of things, and initially I was pleased she had a new friend but tonight's plans are very fuzzy and I don't know the stepmum or dad at all. AIBU to think that the stepmum should be the one to call me and introduce herself given DD could be sleeping under her roof tonight.

At 13 they asked rather than 'told' and I checked with parents, whether kids were sleeping out or whether kids were sleeping here. I don't 'do' who 'should' contact who! If they're staying here I want emergency contact details and if kids are staying there I want their (adults) contact details & address.

I want them, so I get them, I don't expect other iatents to contact me!

Definitely think it's on you to make contact. The parents of the friend know where their DC is and what's she's doing (hopefully). They don't really need any information from you, so no need to call you.

@GameOfGoats

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met?

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

Like a PP, I agree with this

I would call this time, and say you’d be happy to host the girls, and then tell your DD that in future you want to meet parents before any sleepover plans are made

Kids could be anywhere and I wouldn’t trust people I’ve never met!

@Ducksurprise

I was shocked that parents would do a dump and run, not even introduce themselves when dropping off and not knocking at the door but phoning their dd to come to the car when collecting. Not so much as a thank you.

What would I be thanking you for? I'd expect my children to say thank you and check that they do but tbh it is normally a pita to drop off and/or collect from a sleepover, I'm not thankful you've had them as secondary children do not need babysitting.

A 10 minute drive to drop off and pick up when you haven’t had to feed your child dinner, breakfast and lunch the next day is hardly arduous. A 13 yo may not need babysitting. But need looking after if they fall ill, hurt themselves and need to be fed.

Normal courtesy for me would be contacting the parent prior to the sleepover and saying ‘Thank you for inviting (my child). Just checking if bla bla bla’. It’s a contrived way of opening up to the parents, making contact, ensuring you’re ok with the sleepover etc.

I’m not expecting a thank you for every sleepover. The kids do that.

Dd has a medical condition. I always contact the parents first on the off chance something happens.

@FredoWasWeakAndStupid

thanks for the replies - most of them anyway. Those which are goading or which ridicule asking for other parents' views, or which call questions petty all have a tone which isn't really helpful in answering the question. Don't where some of you have been for the past two years but my family has been trying to find its way through and if that means I haven't got to grips with having a teen who was a young child last time she had a sleepover then I'm very sorry.

Why are you letting her go out and just tell you where she's sleeping then?

I'd ring and then go round.

I think it's on you to call them.

My 12 almost 13 year old DD went to a sleepover with a friend who I didn't know let alone the parents. They lived in a very posh, expensive area and all I knew was that both parents were solicitors so I thought she'd be fine (I know,I'm ashamed to admit my mistake, and lesson learnt).
The Mum 'wasn't very well' that night and spent the evening asleep on the sofa. Dad was out all evening. The girls made themselves poptarts for tea. Which wouldn't harm them for one day I know , just setting the scene. When I went to pick DD up mid-day, the poorly Mum came to the door looking dog rough with a large glass of wine in her hand.
DD then told me that Mum had sent them off to the next town for the morning with £5 each to give her a bit of peace. (this was many years ago so a lot of money at the time). DD had never used public transport on her own. Whilst I don't mind that in principle, she was old enough, but I would have liked to have known where she was going to be.
After that, I did make sure I had a quick phone call with parents I didn't know before she stopped over and asked her friends to get one of their parents to call me if we were having someone to sleep over here. That said, on reflection it wouldn't have prevented the concerns I had with that particular sleepover, so not sure what the answer is.

@MinorWomensWhiplash1

There’s no way I’d let my 13 year old DD spend the night in a house with a bunch of people I don’t know.

And how exactly do you plan to get to know your 13 year old DD's friends' parents? It's not like primary school where you can chat to them in the school playground and you have to ferry them everywhere. And the friends parents might well not have the time/inclination to get to know you. Exchanging phone numbers and a couple of texts is as much getting to know them as you'll be able to do.

Why on earth are you letting your child stay at a friends house who;
A- you don't have the address of
B- Haven't spoken with the parents
C- what you do know of their home life doesn't sound particularly good or happy?

Why?

Your DD is 13, has had a hard time recently, so is in a vulnerable position to start with, you haven't cleared up whether she is indeed with this friend, or where she is.

You need to reach out to her step mum or dad

@GlitteryGreen

I think it's a bit of a grey area because parents don't routinely get to meet when the children are at secondary school.

My parents got to know my friends by me having them round our house or by giving us lifts places, but the only parents they knew were the ones they had known from the primary years, from school gates and birthday parties etc.

I don't think they ever met the parents of anyone I befriended at secondary school, unless it would have been at an open evening where my friend attended with their parents and I was with mine.

I'd say get the stepmum/dad's number from your daughter and just text to say "DD has told me she's staying over at yours tonight, is this OK with you? Happy to pick her up if it's not convenient tonight", so you're opening the line of communication.

This .Also when my children were that age they regularly had friends staying overnight. It never occurred to me to contact the parents,I just left it to the teenager to keep their parents informed.

it's really tricky. At 13 you have to accept that you won't know all of your DC's friends' parents. Luckily my DC has only been to sleepovers with a kid whose family we know from primary. I think the best you can do at this age is call the parent beforehand to double check the arrangements (supervision etc) and ensure they have your number, and then insist that you'll be dropping the kid off in person.

None of the above guarantees all will be well, but if anything untoward were to happen you'd look really remiss if you didn't know the address where your kid was sleeping and the name and number of the responsible adult supervising them; and they didn't have your info.

I just say I need the parents number to confirm plans or it isn't happening. Then I will message "Hi, x has said she is having a sleepover with y, just wanted to confirm that is all okay and planned with you and find out when you'd like her picked up in the morning if going ahead"

this is the age where they start to change and are influenced. this signals the start of the trickier years

its not the time to drop back and leave them to it!

@GameOfGoats

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met?

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

Same here. The op doesn't even know where the house is yet is dwiddling over who should call. It's in the op's best interests to call!

Mummyoflittledragon

Senior school kids don't live 10 mins down the road it often is arduous and ultimately the sleepover parent does it because their kid wants it. If my child was injured or sick they'd call me directly, and I don't need a contrived way to meet the parents, I don't feel the need to meet them.

When do you stop meeting the parents 18?

Iv a 13 year old boy and not a hope in hell he would be sleeping at strangers house that I didnt know

@GenderStereotypes

Mummyoflittledragon

Senior school kids don't live 10 mins down the road it often is arduous and ultimately the sleepover parent does it because their kid wants it. If my child was injured or sick they'd call me directly, and I don't need a contrived way to meet the parents, I don't feel the need to meet them.

When do you stop meeting the parents 18?

A lot of children do live 10 mins drive away at dd’s former secondary. The radius of intake means the furthest away child is about a 20 min drive away from us and in a more rural location. We live in a more densely populated area at the opposing end of catchment, where about 80% plus of the children live within 10-15 mins drive from our home. We are served by fast A roads and a couple of dual carriageways with little congestion and chose our location for this reason.

As for the child wanting it, the sleepover I’m talking about was pushed for by other children, whose parents wouldn’t allow a multiple sleepover. Where sleepovers are regular, these are reciprocated and both parties want it rather than ‘the parent does it because the kid wants it’.

I didn’t say it is strictly necessary to meet the parents. Merely to touch base. I happen to have met all the parents one way or another, some through primary but others because they came to say hi at my house when dropping off or bumping into them with their dd at the shops when with my dd. Dd has a wide circle of friends.

As I already said, my dd has a medical condition. Perhaps if your child’s heart stopped beating every now and then with all of that this entails including the possibility of serious injury needing hospitalisation, you’d think it important to touch base with the parents first. Especially if they have a hot tub or pool, which would cause her to drown to death if she were alone when it happened, however improbable. So parents need to be aware and agreements need to be in place. Dd is sensible. But at 13, it is sometimes difficult not to bow to peer pressure.

@FirstTimeSecondTime

At 13, I would drop my dd off and go in to introduce myself (and have a look to make sure I was happy with the environment before I let my child stay with people I didn’t know)

Me too!

13 is a child, no way I'd let my dd stay at someone's I don't know, let alone not know where they live. I'm not precious by any means but 13 is still very young.

As I already said, my dd has a medical condition

I'm sorry to hear that and of course that changes how you parent. But for the average 13 year old I don't think it is necessary

Shall we just agree that everyone needs contact details and addresses of parents, not just the child/teenager whose phone may go down anyway? Sleep overs are rubbish anyway - speaking as someone whose DS came home shaking after his sleep over included some seriously horrendous films. They leave kids tired out and over excited.

Why does it matter who calls who? If you’re worried, surely you would just call?

YABU and what is the relevance of them being a blended family?

@FredoWasWeakAndStupid

thanks for the replies - most of them anyway. Those which are goading or which ridicule asking for other parents' views, or which call questions petty all have a tone which isn't really helpful in answering the question. Don't where some of you have been for the past two years but my family has been trying to find its way through and if that means I haven't got to grips with having a teen who was a young child last time she had a sleepover then I'm very sorry.

Oh come on. The last 2 years hasn’t been one continuous lockdown. So don’t suggest that everyone else knows that your child has gone from primary to secondary without any sleepovers.

I actually get that you might not realise it’s still perfectly normal to want to speak to the hosting parent. Although you should anyway do what’s right for you, normal or not. In my social circle, everyone would make contact. In my sister’s - the kids are all over and the parents don’t speak.

But - all the kids have mobiles, and all of them know they have to tell a parent WHERE they’re sleeping.

So I get that you weren’t sure on the etiquette on contact, but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t ask where she was staying.

Can you imagine if she stupidly went out into town in the morning without telling you, and you ended up calling the police, and having to tell them you never asked where she slept the night before?

Top tip: for all my teen’s friends, a rule of having a phone is that a “find my phone” type app has to be on.

Also: another one that’s just 🙄 that you’re making default responsibility to fall with the mother, notwithstanding that it’s not even her mother.

At that age if I had a child stay over I'd expect the parents to ring me if they had any concerns. I wouldn't be ringing them