to think DD's friend's mum should call me about sleepoever and not the other way around

[FredoWasWeakAndStupid]

Dd 13 has a new friend and has gone over there this afternoon. They made a vague plan for a sleepover earlier this week which even this afternoon wasn't certain. I haven't met the friend but they live in a village about 5 miles away with a large blended family. DD's had a very difficult few months, withdrawn from a lot of things, and initially I was pleased she had a new friend but tonight's plans are very fuzzy and I don't know the stepmum or dad at all. AIBU to think that the stepmum should be the one to call me and introduce herself given DD could be sleeping under her roof tonight.

@FirstTimeSecondTime

At 13, I would drop my dd off and go in to introduce myself (and have a look to make sure I was happy with the environment before I let my child stay with people I didn’t know)

I would do the same

And I expect my child to say thank you to the parents for having them, I wouldn't be doing it and I wouldn't expect it in return

At that age my dc had a phone, if they were ill they'd message me and I'd pick them up . If a child in my care became ill I'd expect them to inform the parents or I'd do it myself if needs be

Your vulnerable 13yo is somewhere you don't know where and may or may not be staying the night - and you think it's the SM responsibility to ring you?

You're her parent. You needed to communicate with your dd about 3 steps back in the plan.

If you want to know what your dd is up to then you need to communicate with your dd

All of this.
How did she get to her friend's if it is 5 miles away - how is it you don't know the address ?

Wow, I'm really surprised by some of the answers here!

I have a nearly 13 year old and I have always been in contact with the parents if a new friend before she goes round, as much as anything to check the girls haven't hatched some ill-thought out plan between them and to make sure it's convenient.

But more importantly, and what I think the op was getting at, is that if I/my DD is the one doing the inviting, I do think the onus is on me to contact the other parent, especially if it's one we haven't met before. I'll always text and say would X like to come over this weekend, this is our address. It then gives the the opportunity to find out where their DD is going to be (plus none of my dd's friends live within walking distance, so they'd need to be dropped of anyway.)

But if my DD came home and said she'd been invited to X's house and there was nothing from the parent, I would find that strange.

Maybe it's different where we live, but I would never let my dd stay somewhere where I haven't at least been in contact with the parent beforehand, and all of her friends parents are the same.

'I have a nearly 13 year old and I have always been in contact with the parents if a new friend before she goes round, as much as anything to check the girls haven't hatched some ill-thought out plan between them and to make sure it's convenient.'

You do the checking it's ok thing when they are primary aged. At 13 you should've equipped them with the skills to negotiate this basic stuff.

Obviously it is different if you have a dc who is untrustworthy or has proven to make poor decisions and can't relay arrangements but 'my friend has asked me to her house to sleep, here is the address and I'll text to let you know how things are' should really be sufficient by that age.

The middle class bubbles some people on here live in is touching

@CarlCarlson

The middle class bubbles some people on here live in is touching

The somewhat reckless attitude towards their children's safety on here is worrying 🙄

@FloraFoxx

'I have a nearly 13 year old and I have always been in contact with the parents if a new friend before she goes round, as much as anything to check the girls haven't hatched some ill-thought out plan between them and to make sure it's convenient.'

You do the checking it's ok thing when they are primary aged. At 13 you should've equipped them with the skills to negotiate this basic stuff.

Obviously it is different if you have a dc who is untrustworthy or has proven to make poor decisions and can't relay arrangements but 'my friend has asked me to her house to sleep, here is the address and I'll text to let you know how things are' should really be sufficient by that age.

My DD is neither untrustworthy nor a poor decision maker, but I think it's still basic manners to double check with the other parent to make sure it's ok and to touch base.

Obviously people have different ideas on what's normal, but I just really can't imagine sending her off to some unknown child's house for the night, without even having an address or having spoken to the parents, and just expect the child to let you know if there's a problem

But judging by the responses on here, I am not in the majority 🤷

@Hankunamatata

Iv a 13 year old boy and not a hope in hell he would be sleeping at strangers house that I didnt know

DS went for a sleepover when he was 13. We live in a small village and all through primary we knew all the parents. This was half an hour away in a big town. It was during covid and for a birthday party, the Mum had given out slips with the address and her number so I text and confirmed it all etc. When I dropped DS off, he wanted me to go to the door with him as he wasn't sure of the address so I got to meet the mum, was invited in for coffee and had a lovely chat. Laid the foundations for open communication and got the measure of each other. He's been to a few more sleepovers there since and now they are older there's the issue of drinking and smoking, we've had chats about what they get up to and how much supervision they have, where our particular boundaries sit on certain teenage behaviour. I know he is safe there, I know they do stuff they shouldn't but they would anyway and at least they are being kept an eye on.

I know if DH had dropped him off that first time, none of this would have happened. I have no idea how much the other parents (there tend to be quite a few of them there, but mostly local so walk there) know about what their teens are up to.

When I was a teenager my friends and my sisters' friends all preferred to hang out at our home as there were no rules and they could drink and smoke. My parents were selling drugs at one point and the flat was always full of people. I have no idea what the friends' parents knew, but I do know my Mum never met any of them! If they'd come in, I doubt they'd have let their DCs come round again!

I don't know my 13 yr old ma friends parents. I wouldn't expect an introductory phone call at that age.

She's your daughter so ultimately this is your responsibility.

Having said that, I have had my DS's friend(s) staying here and have had no idea if their parents even know about it, so have taken it upon myself to message them.

You have to go with what you think is right concerning your daughter.

My DS is 15 now and I always know where he is and who he is staying with (so far anyway), and always check with his friend's parents that this is okay.

I’ve got 17, 15 and 12 year old dc and as a bare minimum I absolutely want to know where they’re staying if they’re somewhere overnight! Even the 17 year old tells me he’s at X, Y or Z’s house so we know where he’s staying. On the flip side of that, if we’ve got a houseful that’s fine, but I check the patents know that their children are here.

I’m a pretty laid back parent, but I’m really shocked by how many posters think that it’s ok not to know where a 13 year old is sleeping, or who they’re staying with!

There is absolutely no way my 13yo would be staying over in the house of people I had never met.

@CarlCarlson

At 13 I don’t think that’s the done thing is it? The kids just sort it out. They’re not babies

I would not let 13 year old dd off to sleep in a house where I do not know anything at all. Seems a bit reckless?

@YomAsalYomBasal

There is absolutely no way my 13yo would be staying over in the house of people I had never met.

Why would meeting them for 2 minutes to say "hello" make it safer? At what age is it ok for your child to have a sleepover when you've not met the family?

At that age, I've seen the whole gamut of the parents who will pop in to have a chat and double check numbers before sleepovers to the kid coming and leaving on their own with no contact between parents.

I like to have talked to parents before my kids sleepover elsewhere and step 1 in arranging it is my child giving me the address, but when other kids sleep here, I just ask for a parent's number but I won't reach out unless I have a concern.

'Why would meeting them for 2 minutes to say "hello" make it safer?At what age is it ok for your child to have a sleepover when you've not met the family?'

Yes and imagine if the host didn't quite meet the standards of the helicoptering mother, then what? A sudden 'oh sorry pfb can't stay afterall'.

Once they are teens then plans plus addresses, contact numbers and trusting your dc to relay this info is all that is required. Coffee and cosy chats are primary school aged parenting.

I would say no. Just say that unfortunately she can't this time, make sure to pick her up and suss the place and parenting situation out. Then if you do feel comfortable she can always go next time. Alternatively offer to host the other child for a sleepover instead. Everyone has a different threshold for what they think is ok for their kids, and this becomes increasingly apparent in the teenage years. But I couldn't let my child stay at a strangers house in all conscience. It seems like too big a gamble with their safety to me.

Stranger danger is such a strong message isn’t it? I wonder why. Easier that accepting that statistically your child is at great risk from a family member or friend maybe.

I don't live in a middle class bubble, but I would be far less relaxed than my parents were when I was a teenager because I know that a lot of time 'sleepover' was a euphemism for a party in the woods, or underage drinking in the park, smoking weed or hash with other people's parents (yes really), going to raves, taking drugs and/or underage sex. It was never the borrowed bunny pyjamas, spare toothbrush, movie watching and cake baking images I conjured up to appease my parents. Even when me and my friends would put on that show at my house, we were secretly sipping vodka or sneaking out in the middle of the night to smoke weed. I don't think we were exceptionally bad teenagers, either. I do think we could have benefited from being supervised a little bit more closely, but we all had parents working long hours, often at multiple jobs. Latchkey kids with mobile phones, as though having a mobile phone made us safe from all the evils out there somehow, from abuse, or sexual coercion, or mental health issues or substance abuse. I'm glad we know better know

I'm actually pretty surprised how many posters dc are having 'sleepovers' at 13.
Just didn't really happen when mine were that age. They all had plenty of friends, but didn't sleep round at each other's houses by that age.

Op hasn't been back? I wonder whether she found out where her daughter slept last night.

@FloraFoxx

'Why would meeting them for 2 minutes to say "hello" make it safer?At what age is it ok for your child to have a sleepover when you've not met the family?'

Yes and imagine if the host didn't quite meet the standards of the helicoptering mother, then what? A sudden 'oh sorry pfb can't stay afterall'.

Once they are teens then plans plus addresses, contact numbers and trusting your dc to relay this info is all that is required. Coffee and cosy chats are primary school aged parenting.

I feel like I live in a parallel universe sometimes, where knowing where your 13 year.old is going to be sleeping and wanting a cursory interaction with the other parent is apparently "helicopter parenting"

So you'd you'd be genuinely ok with your child saying "I'm staying at X's house at 12 Z street, I'll send you a text to let you know I'm ok"???

And that's it? And if they had the address wrong? Or if they didn't get in touch?

I'm not suggesting you need to have afternoon tea with prospective parents, but i am genuinely surprised people don't double.check where they're going the at this age...

And I think to suggest it's a "middle class' thing is slightly ridiculous. I'm pretty sure working class parents care where their children are too.

Why on earth would you expect a call from a step parent and not the actual parent? No I wouldn't expect their stepmother to contact you.

@GameOfGoats

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met?

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

Totally agree. I just don't get '13 year olds organise it themselves', not 'wanting to ask too many questions 'At this age they are very vulnerable. Find out where she is and who she is with for goodness sake!