Page 2 | to think DD's friend's mum should call me about sleepoever and not the other way around

tolerable · 11/03/2022 19:15

not unreasonable to ask adress.
nor to roll up with pjs\sleep bag? multipack snacks at very least make yourself known/leave emergency contact details for adult in charge-or pull her out if walk into a hellhole?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/03/2022 19:16

I'd call to make sure that it is really a sleepover and they aren't actually getting pissed up in somebody's barn with ten others and a fuckton of vodka.

DP grew up in such an area. He got away with the getting pissed up on beer and vodka because he wasn't hanging out with the group that did heroin and ketamine instead.

PinkSyCo · 11/03/2022 19:17

At 13, I would drop my dd off and go in to introduce myself (and have a look to make sure I was happy with the environment before I let my child stay with people I didn’t know)

What if you weren’t invited in? Would you ask nicely if you could come in to inspect the environment or just barge on through?
OP it is up to you to contact the other family as you are the one with concerns.

itsgettingweird · 11/03/2022 19:18

Your vulnerable 13yo is somewhere you don't know where and may or may not be staying the night - and you think it's the SM responsibility to ring you?

You're her parent. You needed to communicate with your dd about 3 steps back in the plan.

If you want to know what your dd is up to then you need to communicate with your dd 🤷‍♀️

Sally872 · 11/03/2022 19:21

Maybe she is relaxed and doesn't feel the need to talk to you. Fine, that's one way of doing things and works for her as she knows where children will be. OR maybe they haven't asked at all and she knows nothing about the plan.

I would get in touch to make sure all OK in case friend has invited dd without actually asking. Or worse in case they are planning to go somewhere else (unlikely but this would be one of my main concerns).

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 11/03/2022 19:21

There’s no way I’d let my 13 year old DD spend the night in a house with a bunch of people I don’t know.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 11/03/2022 19:25

@CannaBelieve and @PinkSyCo, you are right. Going in when dropping dd off for sleepover is too late.

Maybe tell dd that the friend can have a sleepover at home for the first time

FloraFoxx · 11/03/2022 19:25

@MinorWomensWhiplash1

There’s no way I’d let my 13 year old DD spend the night in a house with a bunch of people I don’t know.

Once they're at secondary school you really don't get to meet parents but by that age you hope you've brought your dc up to understand the basics like giving addresses and sharing actual arrangements.

I'd be annoyed at the 'fuzzy plans'. The dc should be able to text or ring her dm and say I am at staying over and will need collecting at 10am'. Or similar.

Newmumatlast · 11/03/2022 19:29

@FredoWasWeakAndStupid

Birth mum is dead, dad's hands off, so there's no parent who would call me - stepmum therefore a step removed. Take the point about they are not babies but like I said she's had a difficult few months and this is the first actual time out socially for a long time so I didn't want to go too hard on DD for details of arrangements, but I am not even sure which house in the village is the one the family are in.

First if you have concerns as a parent it is your responsibility to act on them. Why sit and wait to be contacted - which may never happen- and risk not resolving your concern.

Second, you say Dad is hands off and seem to be assuming stepmum is responsible as the next option. You don't know them. Why are you not making the first move or refusing the sleepover? I wouldn't be sending my child to a house where I dont know the people and think the parent is hands off when my child is 13 and still very much a minor.

megletthesecond · 11/03/2022 19:31

Tbh mine have never had a secondary sleepover unless I know the parents. So, I think you're right on this. Teenagers can do stupid things and get out of their depth.

MrsLegend · 11/03/2022 19:42

@GameOfGoats

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met?

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

No way would I allow my daughter to stay at someone's house without making contact with the parents first.

You don't know if the parents are going to be there for the evening or who else may be there etc!

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2022 19:44

@GameOfGoats

Do people really allow their 13 year old DC go to sleepovers at houses of people they’ve never met?

I don’t have teens so maybe I’ve naive but I can’t imagine allowing DC to attend a sleepover where I’ve only text the parents at age 13. There are too many unknowns.

Yes they do. Dd is 13. A number of girls have slept at my house without even texting with the parents, they were 12 at the time. In contrast, I have met all the parents of children, whose houses she slept round.

I was shocked that parents would do a dump and run, not even introduce themselves when dropping off and not knocking at the door but phoning their dd to come to the car when collecting. Not so much as a thank you.

I’m super friendly with dd’s friends and want them to feel safe and happy. But aware not all parents are the same.

I’ve said YABU op because you have your standards, they have theirs. It is your responsibility to ensure the safety of your child.

CannaBelieve · 11/03/2022 19:50

@Mummyoflittledragon but you were just as negligent here....i do not understand why you would accomodate that?

FloraFoxx · 11/03/2022 19:57

'was shocked that parents would do a dump and run, not even introduce themselves when dropping off and not knocking at the door but phoning their dd to come to the car when collecting. Not so much as a thank you.'

We're talking 13yr olds, not primary aged kids. A 13yr old should be more than able to relay details to their parents and they should also be more than able to say thankyou without mummy hovering on the doorstep.

I used to go to houses of friends at pick up, parents I knew from primary school but new friends at secondary age? Nope. I'd trust my dc to be able to tell me where they are, who with and thank the hosts when leaving.

CannaBelieve · 11/03/2022 20:01

@FloraFoxx hmmm these dont sound like hosts....hands off dad...

Original poster

FredoWasWeakAndStupid · 11/03/2022 20:04

thanks for the replies - most of them anyway. Those which are goading or which ridicule asking for other parents' views, or which call questions petty all have a tone which isn't really helpful in answering the question. Don't where some of you have been for the past two years but my family has been trying to find its way through and if that means I haven't got to grips with having a teen who was a young child last time she had a sleepover then I'm very sorry.

OP posts:

vamptramp · 11/03/2022 20:05

No, it's definitely on you to call if you have concerns. Why would they call you? They probably think there's no issue.

Can't you just ask DD for their number and send a text asking to confirm their address, and check DD is welcome?

vamptramp · 11/03/2022 20:06

Tbh from the age of 12 my dad would just drop me off at friends houses, I'd hop out and be gone.

CowsAreNotGreen · 11/03/2022 20:07

If you're worried you ask. Are you sure she is at this friends house? She could have gone anywhere.

Ducksurprise · 11/03/2022 20:07

I was shocked that parents would do a dump and run, not even introduce themselves when dropping off and not knocking at the door but phoning their dd to come to the car when collecting. Not so much as a thank you.

What would I be thanking you for? I'd expect my children to say thank you and check that they do but tbh it is normally a pita to drop off and/or collect from a sleepover, I'm not thankful you've had them as secondary children do not need babysitting.

HelloDulling · 11/03/2022 20:07

@MinorWomensWhiplash1

There’s no way I’d let my 13 year old DD spend the night in a house with a bunch of people I don’t know.

How would you get to know them though? There are no class parties or school playground chats from Year 7 onwards. If you’re lucky, you might meet their new friend’s parents when you drop off/pick up at their house, but you won’t get to know them.

What you actually need to know is that your own child is mature and robust enough to make good choices in the face of peer pressure, knows the rules about phone use, for example.

drawingpad · 11/03/2022 20:07

Take the point about they are not babies but like I said she's had a difficult few months and this is the first actual time out socially for a long time so I didn't want to go too hard on DD for details of arrangements, but I am not even sure which house in the village is the one the family are in.

But this family don't know your DD difficulties, it's your responsibility and the idea of not 'going to hard on details' is ridiculous. You need to know where she is.

GlitteryGreen · 11/03/2022 20:09

I think it's a bit of a grey area because parents don't routinely get to meet when the children are at secondary school.

My parents got to know my friends by me having them round our house or by giving us lifts places, but the only parents they knew were the ones they had known from the primary years, from school gates and birthday parties etc.

I don't think they ever met the parents of anyone I befriended at secondary school, unless it would have been at an open evening where my friend attended with their parents and I was with mine.

I'd say get the stepmum/dad's number from your daughter and just text to say "DD has told me she's staying over at yours tonight, is this OK with you? Happy to pick her up if it's not convenient tonight", so you're opening the line of communication.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2022 20:13

[quote CannaBelieve]@Mummyoflittledragon but you were just as negligent here....i do not understand why you would accomodate that?[/quote]
I safeguarded the children just fine. Not contacting the parents is not negligent.

The parents, who wanted to talk to and meet me did so with pleasure before the sleepover. On top of feeding these kids and making sure they have somewhere to sleep, I’m not going to chase parents as well.

The next day, one of the girls couldn’t go home as the father was work and the mother didn’t get out of bed to collect her child. She went home at about 5pm.

Do you really think people, who dump and run would have been interested in having a conversation with me?! The conversation would have been very short with them going wtf.

HelloDulling · 11/03/2022 20:13

@FredoWasWeakAndStupid

Dd 13 has a new friend and has gone over there this afternoon. They made a vague plan for a sleepover earlier this week which even this afternoon wasn't certain. I haven't met the friend but they live in a village about 5 miles away with a large blended family. DD's had a very difficult few months, withdrawn from a lot of things, and initially I was pleased she had a new friend but tonight's plans are very fuzzy and I don't know the stepmum or dad at all. AIBU to think that the stepmum should be the one to call me and introduce herself given DD could be sleeping under her roof tonight.

I understand your concern, but I definitely think it’s on you to get in touch. As far as your DD’s friend/ her SM is concerned you gave your consent to this earlier in the week. She might well be thinking, “Blimey, I’ve never even met Anna’s mum, and she’s staying here tonight. There’s no way I’d let SDD stay out without getting in touch to check it was okay.”