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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be allowed to invite friends over

110 replies

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:37

So, I'm 23 and I'm in my second year of uni. First year we were in lockdown so wasn't able to make friends. This year, I made a group of friends (7 including me) and this is the first time in my life I've ever had a group of friends and I'm just so happy and excited.

I'm 23 and still live at home (yes I'm aiming to move out but not possible atm before anyone says anything) so I asked my mom if I could invite my friends over and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Mom, would I be able to have my friends over tomorrow?"

Mom: "(silence)... well, I want to say yes but..."

Me: "but what?"

Mom: "I'm just really territorial and I don't want other peoples smells here. I like the house to be clean."

Me: "okay then."

Is this a "normal" response? Also before anyone else asks, I do pay rent/housekeeping, I cook 90% of the meals and I clean the house every sunday (mopping, dusting, hoovering. I do it on sundays because my mom goes to her boyfriends house and it's easier for me to do it while the house is empty) so it's not that I sit at home doing nothing.

AIBU to have asked in the first place?

OP posts:

Hotcuppatea · 11/03/2022 12:39

No it isn't normal. You sound like you have a complicated relationship with your mum.

vamptramp · 11/03/2022 12:39

Hmm. I don't think either of you are BU.

I'm an adult and I wouldn't be overjoyed about DH inviting 7 mates over to mess up my house and make noise.

Did you want them to just come for dinner? Or stay overnight?

Pyri · 11/03/2022 12:42

I think if you pay rent and housekeeping then having friends over should be perfectly fine. Perhaps you need to reassure your mum you will tidy up afterwards and not summon ghosts from an ouiji board either etc

I also think it’s absolutely fine for partners to have their friends over too, so long as they tidy up afterwards and it’s not left to the wives

abigailsnan · 11/03/2022 12:43

Can you not invite them over when your mum is away at the week-end then you can do any housework on the Sunday as normal,your mum should allow you friends over as you pay your way in more ways than one.

Thewindwhispers · 11/03/2022 12:44

Yanbu to have asked.

She is a bit OCD and she is being unreasonable if the deal is that you pay rent and cook most of the time etc but can never have guests round. That said if your mum is unfriendly and OCD then it wouldn’t feel good for the friends to come round anyway 🥺

GoogleWhacked · 11/03/2022 12:47

Invite them on a Sunday when your mom is out, and clean up before she gets back?
Although to be honest, it's your home & I think you should be allowed to invite friends in at anytime.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:49

My mom is actually going away to her boyfriends today and returning on monday but I don't want to invite them behind her back. Also, we're all adults so there won't be any mess. I just wanted to invite them over for some food and watch a film or something like that

OP posts:

Lastqueenofscotland · 11/03/2022 12:50

I think 7 people is a lot… I wouldn’t invite 7 people to my house at once.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:51

@vamptramp my mom is going to her boyfriends today so by inviting them over tomorrow there won't be any noise for her to hear. I always make sure to keep the house clean/tidy up. If anyone comes over, drinks are always on coasters and we eat food at the dining table etc

OP posts:

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:51

@Lastqueenofscotland 6 people but 7 including me :)

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 12:52

If you already clean every Sunday there's no issue.

Why didn't you say "oh that's fine - I'll make sure to clear up once they've gone"?

GoogleWhacked · 11/03/2022 12:53

@LonelyInAutumn

I didn't mean to suggest you do it behind your mom's back, sorry. Just she said she didn't want the "smell" of other people, she won't smell anything if she's not there.

youngestisapsycho · 11/03/2022 12:53

Just invite them... I can't see the problem if she isn't going to be there anyway. It's your home too.

eddiemairswife · 11/03/2022 12:55

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me, especially as your mother won't be there.

Floralmotifs77 · 11/03/2022 12:56

Could your friends come around on Sunday when your mum isn't there? I must admit, of all the reasons not to have friends over, "being territorial and not liking other people's smells" is a bit of an odd one!

Did you discuss the friend situation with your mother when you opted to stay at home during uni? It seems hard on you.

Equally, it's your mum's house too, and sometimes when you are older, you do want the privacy of your own space. But when you are young, you want to explore relationships and meet new people. So you are both at different points in your life. But that is one of the disadvantages of living at home in that you can't just suit yourself, you have to accommodate someone else's convenience. But hopefully your mum will try and accommodate your needs too!

SarahProblem · 11/03/2022 12:56

Plan your move out ASAP.

What would DM say if you pushed it? what's your relationship like? e.g. "mum, I'm 23 and pay rent and contribute to the house. I should be able to have people over particularly whilst you're away".

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:56

I'm very tempted to just invite them but I feel that would be disrespectful on my part. I might ask again later and just reassure my mom that the house will be clean and tidy. Also just to add, it's just girls, no males so she wouldn't need to be worried about that

OP posts:

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:57

@SarahProblem our relationship is actually really good and we're really close. Just when it comes to cleaning it's a bit touchy. My mom does have OCD and it is hard not to enable her

OP posts:

RockinHorseShit · 11/03/2022 12:59

I'm the DM of a similar age DD

I'm also an anti social bitch who doesn't like people in the house who don't live here

No way in hell would I let that affect DD though, I might not accept dropping in at no notice, but I have also cooked for her & her friends then disappeared FTR my room

Your DM is very unreasonable

AffIt · 11/03/2022 13:00

I can see both sides of this.

You are an adult, you're paying rent etc so yes, it is your home and you should feel able to entertain guests, BUT in my eyes, six people I don't know in my home (especially if I'm not there) would feel like a lot and a bit of an invasion.

Could you perhaps start off small - invite one or two of the group over for coffee or lunch and introduce them to your mum (or even say hello in passing)?

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/03/2022 13:01

This is her OCD talking then, isn't it? The fact you've asked her actually makes it harder - if you'd not asked, she wouldn't have known. Now she's said no you feel like you're going behind her back...

I don't think it's unreasonable to have friends round. I wonder if your mum is one of the reasons you've found it hard to make friends in the first place?

Given she's not going to be there anyway, 23 yo me would probably ask them over.

TempName01 · 11/03/2022 13:01

Have them over anyway. Are you the poster whose mum doesn’t let her clean?

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:05

@AffIt this is a good idea. I've wanted to introduce people to my mom in the past including ex boyfriend but it had to be on the terms that she meets them at like starbucks, costa etc since she doesn't want strangers in the house which is fair enough

OP posts:

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:06

@TempName01 I think that may be someone else 😅

OP posts:

SpacePotato · 11/03/2022 13:07

She's being unreasonable if she isn't even there, however, 7 people is a lot.

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