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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be allowed to invite friends over

110 replies

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:37

So, I'm 23 and I'm in my second year of uni. First year we were in lockdown so wasn't able to make friends. This year, I made a group of friends (7 including me) and this is the first time in my life I've ever had a group of friends and I'm just so happy and excited.

I'm 23 and still live at home (yes I'm aiming to move out but not possible atm before anyone says anything) so I asked my mom if I could invite my friends over and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Mom, would I be able to have my friends over tomorrow?"

Mom: "(silence)... well, I want to say yes but..."

Me: "but what?"

Mom: "I'm just really territorial and I don't want other peoples smells here. I like the house to be clean."

Me: "okay then."

Is this a "normal" response? Also before anyone else asks, I do pay rent/housekeeping, I cook 90% of the meals and I clean the house every sunday (mopping, dusting, hoovering. I do it on sundays because my mom goes to her boyfriends house and it's easier for me to do it while the house is empty) so it's not that I sit at home doing nothing.

AIBU to have asked in the first place?

OP posts:

hangrylady · 11/03/2022 13:20

You sound like a lovely daughter by the way OP

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/03/2022 13:20

@AffIt and OP's mum wouldn't be there anyway, she said that already.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:20

@hangrylady I could try that. I just don't want anyone in the group to feel any sort of favoritism. I think if we all go out together one day, I can ask my mom to pass through so she can meet everyone :)

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 11/03/2022 13:21

@Viviennemary

People of 23 don't usually have friends over if still living with their parents. Meet them in town.

That's ridiculous. Of course they do. Mine had friends round or to stay at that age when they were post uni and looking for jobs so staying at home. My DDs friends have been welcome at any age.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 11/03/2022 13:22

I didn't have friends over as a child due to having an elderly relative living with us and it would've been too much for them. I think it's good you've asked but at the same time there's normally room for compromise especially as she's not there on Sundays. Do you think she would be open for compromise on Sundays with very clear rules over which parts of the house you can use during this time and maybe starting with one friend?

Even if you just used one reception room, kitchen and your room (and bathroom of course) keeping all other doors closed to signal they're off limits.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:22

@hangrylady thank you! I try my best haha x

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2022 13:23

Of course you should be able to have some friends at home - as long as you’re sure they will be respectful of the house etc. I think in your position, you should approach it as this is happening. Mum, it will be fine. I am an adult. It’s only a few women to chat and watch a film. They won’t be going in your personal space. I will ensure the house is clean and aired before you get back. Stop worrying.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:25

@WabbitsAndWeasels this is usually the sort of things she implements but this time she didn't even suggest it (i should have said something).

OP posts:

Mischance · 11/03/2022 13:27

When mine were late teenagers/young adults I used to welcome their friends with open arms - at least I knew where they were and what they were doing?

Honestly your Mum is being unreasonable here. It is clear that you have form for taking care of the home, and that you are not a drunken layabout.

I think it is significant that this is the first time you have had a group of friends and can't help but wonder if your Mum might be a part of that. Could you talk to her about it again and reassure her - no smoking, no mess etc. And if she is not even going to be there then she is being very unreasonable - you cannot live her OCD life.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:28

When I was with my ex bf it was very hard. My mom refused to meet him (even in a public place) so he wasn't even allowed to come over during the day for some lunch or something. Having people over has always been a difficult thing for me if I'm honest

OP posts:

RockinHorseShit · 11/03/2022 13:38

I'm sorry, but as someone who also doesn't like visitors, your DM needs to fucking get over herself. That is a disgusting way to treat you & as much as I understand your DMs need for space, I could never do this to my daughter.

DDs BF stays here frequently & both DH & I wanted to meet him because A, he's important to DD & B, it was important to us to suss him out too. She's an adult at 19. Your DM really is treating you very badly, especially when yiu pay your way too. My DD doesn't yet, but I still wouldn't even think to treat her like she's a 5 yo with no say

balalake · 11/03/2022 13:43

Considerate and reasonable to have asked, strange response. I could understand anyone not wanting visitors in their house currently given Covid 19 is still with us, but not because of the reason given.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:45

@RockinHorseShit I wish my mom was more open to guests/partners like you 😅 It did make me sad that she wasn't interested which makes me worry for future relationships as my mom (and future partner) is important to me

OP posts:

RockinHorseShit · 11/03/2022 13:48

That's the point though @LonelyInAutumn I really am not at all open to it, I hate it, but I put my own shit aside & do it for my DD as I have respect for the fact that she is a young adult & does have a say

HumourReplacementTherapy · 11/03/2022 13:48

My DS's are 20 & 22 and the thought of seven of their mates descending on me doesn't appeal
In the summer it would be ok but we've not really got room for 8 men and their trainers in the house.
It kinda stopped really once they started going out out. Occasionally for prinks about a dozen or so would descend for a few hours but they were loud and messy.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:51

@RockinHorseShit thank you for your perspective. You sound awesome :)

OP posts:

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:52

@HumourReplacementTherapy I can see what you mean 😅

OP posts:

SleeplessInEngland · 11/03/2022 13:53

A) That's a really weird thing for your mum to say. Is it in character? Is she a germ-phobe/clean-freak?

B) That said, inviting 6 friends over is quite a lot (albeit not a crazy amount). Maybe it'd just be easier to meet at the pub?

Wimpeyspread · 11/03/2022 13:53

My god there are some weird people on here! No wonder people grow up with relationship problems

Stompythedinosaur · 11/03/2022 13:55

It isn't normal, but I wonder if your dm has her own issues, and she has the right to feel safe in her home.

I think the solution is getting your own place tbh.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 11/03/2022 13:59

@Mischance

When mine were late teenagers/young adults I used to welcome their friends with open arms - at least I knew where they were and what they were doing?

Honestly your Mum is being unreasonable here. It is clear that you have form for taking care of the home, and that you are not a drunken layabout.

I agree with this post.

Also you are doing most of the cleaning for your household, cooking nearly all meals AND paying rent and yet you still can’t have friends over?

If you were my DD I’d probably make you guys a cake to enjoy - seeing as I don’t seem to have to do much else! And I’d love meeting your friends.

I think you need to move out asap, but also that your mum may not cope when you do. But please don’t let that stop you.

Ozanj · 11/03/2022 14:02

If you do the cleaning then her saying no because of the mess is a nasty thing to say. Research how much a professional cleaner would cost in your area and tell her you’re deducting it from your board.

Rno3gfr · 11/03/2022 14:02

I’m normally inclined to agree with whoever owns the house but that does sound like a very daft excuse!! She doesn’t want other people’s smells in the house- that made me laugh out loud. I do think it’s unreasonable since she’ll be out anyway and it sounds like you’re quite respectful with the house. I’m 24 and I get that I must be so frustrating for you not even to be able to invite friends around when she’s not in...my mum is a bit like that too (although I moved out when I was 18).

I’d understand if she were home and just didn’t want a group of people to descend upon the house while she’s trying to relax but that’s obviously not the case. You’re young adults, not a group of reckless teens!

godmum56 · 11/03/2022 14:05

No its not normal. I get that your Mum has problems but well its odd that she doesn't mind the smells at her boyfriend's house? Are you sre its only OCD? is there no way that you can move out sooner? your Mum sounds a bit controlling to me.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 14:12

@godmum56 if I could move out sooner, I would. I understand you need to earn a certain income to be considered. Even working part time combined with maintenance loan may not be enough for me. Not to mention, my savings are going on driving lessons atm so by having a license opportunities for employment are better :)

OP posts:

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