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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be allowed to invite friends over

110 replies

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 12:37

So, I'm 23 and I'm in my second year of uni. First year we were in lockdown so wasn't able to make friends. This year, I made a group of friends (7 including me) and this is the first time in my life I've ever had a group of friends and I'm just so happy and excited.

I'm 23 and still live at home (yes I'm aiming to move out but not possible atm before anyone says anything) so I asked my mom if I could invite my friends over and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Mom, would I be able to have my friends over tomorrow?"

Mom: "(silence)... well, I want to say yes but..."

Me: "but what?"

Mom: "I'm just really territorial and I don't want other peoples smells here. I like the house to be clean."

Me: "okay then."

Is this a "normal" response? Also before anyone else asks, I do pay rent/housekeeping, I cook 90% of the meals and I clean the house every sunday (mopping, dusting, hoovering. I do it on sundays because my mom goes to her boyfriends house and it's easier for me to do it while the house is empty) so it's not that I sit at home doing nothing.

AIBU to have asked in the first place?

OP posts:

nearlyspringyay · 11/03/2022 13:08

Any option to move out??

If she's not there it's not fair to say what you can and can't do.

Do you pay 'board'?.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:09

@nearlyspringyay yes I do pay, I mentioned it in the first post :)

OP posts:

imagiantwitch · 11/03/2022 13:10

I must admit I’m a bit like your mum. It severely stresses me out the idea of people coming round, making a mess. I’m usually better when they’re actually here but the idea of it sends me into a panic. I have autism and ocd. Smells are a massive part of it- if I have my (very clean and lovely) sister stay over, I can smell her presence in my house afterwards and it annoys me so much! I know it’s weird.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:10

@SpacePotato I can understand that it's a lot. I think my excitement of actually having friends is getting the better of me

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 11/03/2022 13:10

People of 23 don't usually have friends over if still living with their parents. Meet them in town.

AffIt · 11/03/2022 13:11

[quote LonelyInAutumn]@AffIt this is a good idea. I've wanted to introduce people to my mom in the past including ex boyfriend but it had to be on the terms that she meets them at like starbucks, costa etc since she doesn't want strangers in the house which is fair enough[/quote]
But then once she's met them, they're not strangers - everybody wins!

As I say, I see both sides - I am quite territorial myself and I also understand that OCD can be a debilitating condition, but if you and your mother have a good relationship in other ways and you are, as you say, paying your way and being a good 'housemate', she should, I think, meet you in the middle.

Would a coffee / lunch date with one of your friends be a reasonable starting point for her?

Howshouldibehave · 11/03/2022 13:12

If you can’t move out, I’d just go out with your friends somewhere rather than inviting them back to yours when your mum has refused.

Shame you aren’t living in a shared student house-that was the best bit about university. Can you do that for your third year?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/03/2022 13:13

She is BU. 7 people isn't a lot, it's only a lot on MN where everyone hates people and socialising. I wouldn't dream of telling my early 20s child they couldn't have friends over, it's really a selfish attitude. Young people deserve a bit of fun. If it was really going to bother me that much I'd just go out for the day and leave them to it.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:13

@Viviennemary didn't know there was an age limit on having people over

OP posts:

RockinHorseShit · 11/03/2022 13:14

People of 23 don't usually have friends over if still living with their parents. Meet them in town.

Why ever not when people of 14/15/16/17/18/19/20 etc do it regularly

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:14

@AffIt this is a good idea, I will ask her next week when she comes back home. Thank you!

OP posts:

AffIt · 11/03/2022 13:15

@Waxonwaxoff0

No, seven people - especially seven adults - IS a lot of people in anybody's money, especially if you live in a small house.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/03/2022 13:15

And the OCD part must be difficult but I would try and make an effort so my child could enjoy themself.

bilbodog · 11/03/2022 13:15

I would let you if you were my daughter!

beastlyslumber · 11/03/2022 13:15

Aw OP. I think this is a bit sad. Maybe ask your mom again - it's not really okay to say you can't have friends over in your home. Maybe ask what would make her more comfortable with the idea, e.g. would she need to meet them first? Agree to some rules, such as you would clean up, friends won't ever just drop round unexpectedly etc.

If she says no and refuses to budge, maybe it's time to think about moving out. You need your life, too.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:16

@Howshouldibehave I did consider moving out in 3rd year but the fear of possibly having to move back home after a year of indepdence scares me. My friends live in accommodation so I will ask them about it :)

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/03/2022 13:16

@AffIt it isn't. We regularly have family get togethers with about 20 of us. 7 is not a lot.

AffIt · 11/03/2022 13:16

[quote LonelyInAutumn]@AffIt this is a good idea, I will ask her next week when she comes back home. Thank you![/quote]
Best of luck - I hope all goes well. I think your mum is trying, and you are being very respectful of her.

I hope you can work things out and that you continue to enjoy both a good relationship with your mum, and your new friends and social life.

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:17

Our house isn't too small, we have two reception rooms but I'd let everyone hang out in my room anyway :)

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 13:17

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@AffIt it isn't. We regularly have family get togethers with about 20 of us. 7 is not a lot.[/quote]
I suppose it's a lot if they don't normally have any guests though

Bagelsandbrie · 11/03/2022 13:17

@imagiantwitch

I’m exactly the same. I also have autism.

My dd aged 19 has learnt to live with my strange feelings… she has a wild old time at university and gets all her socialising out of her system there! When she comes home she might have the occasional friend over for a bit and that’s okay but no way would I want her to have 6 people round at once or late at night.

AffIt · 11/03/2022 13:18

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@AffIt it isn't. We regularly have family get togethers with about 20 of us. 7 is not a lot.[/quote]
Good for you. For a lot of people - including, clearly, the OP's mother - large gatherings are not something they enjoy or are comfortable with.

hangrylady · 11/03/2022 13:18

This isn't normal in my world no. My kids friends are always welcome, without prior arrangement but I understand that not everyone is like that. Could you compromise on a smaller number of friends?

Original poster

LonelyInAutumn · 11/03/2022 13:19

I'm not sure what to do. I didnt mention anything to my friends because I had a hunch my mom would say no. For now I will just be patient with my mom :)

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/03/2022 13:19

@AffIt yes, but I think it's unfair to impose your feelings onto your children. It's nice to make an effort on the odd occasion.

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