To not be allowed to invite friends over

[LonelyInAutumn]

So, I'm 23 and I'm in my second year of uni. First year we were in lockdown so wasn't able to make friends. This year, I made a group of friends (7 including me) and this is the first time in my life I've ever had a group of friends and I'm just so happy and excited.

I'm 23 and still live at home (yes I'm aiming to move out but not possible atm before anyone says anything) so I asked my mom if I could invite my friends over and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Mom, would I be able to have my friends over tomorrow?"

Mom: "(silence)... well, I want to say yes but..."

Me: "but what?"

Mom: "I'm just really territorial and I don't want other peoples smells here. I like the house to be clean."

Me: "okay then."

Is this a "normal" response? Also before anyone else asks, I do pay rent/housekeeping, I cook 90% of the meals and I clean the house every sunday (mopping, dusting, hoovering. I do it on sundays because my mom goes to her boyfriends house and it's easier for me to do it while the house is empty) so it's not that I sit at home doing nothing.

AIBU to have asked in the first place?

Since she is going to be away, it is hard to see why you couldn’t at least have a few people over.

That said, even though you paying some rent, if you can’t actually afford to move out, that means she is still subsidizing you and it remains her home, not a communal space. If you were in a student hall or a shared house, you would have more freedom.

I think moving out for your 3rd year might be a really good idea. It would give you a chance to grow your wings a bit but it's time limited. The perfect chance to try moving out without it being a huge commitment. Most uni students default back home after, for a while, and parents expect it because you wouldn't have fully moved out IYSWIM. A less scary way for you both to trial living apart.

I think your mum is a bit unusual, but people are and we can only cope with what we can cope with. Friends will understand not everyone can host. Just be the person who organises stuff out sometimes - cinema , meals. If you are keen to cater and have transport, some country parks have BBQ areas you can hire in the summer.

It's not so much the saying no that's not normal (although I do think most parents would be fine with their adult child having a few uni friends over) but the reason she's given.

She appears to think having people at the house will contaminate it in some way, and no, that's normal at all. That's essentially an OCD behaviour.

My mum's neighbour has OCD and she won't let people in the house because they might ask to use the bathroom and she can't handle the idea of someone else using her loo and 'making it dirty'. She knows it's super irrational and silly, but she can't quite overcome it.

7 people is a lot to have over all at once particularly staying over night.

If you want to invite whoever you want over, you need to move out on your own. But it seems like you understand that already

[quote LonelyInAutumn]@godmum56 if I could move out sooner, I would. I understand you need to earn a certain income to be considered. Even working part time combined with maintenance loan may not be enough for me. Not to mention, my savings are going on driving lessons atm so by having a license opportunities for employment are better :)[/quote]
uni halls of residence or housing?

People of 23 don't usually have friends over if still living with their parents. Meet them in town
Says who?
DS2 often had his mates round. He’d give me the heads up that they were coming over. They would take over the middle room after chatting with me and DH for a bit. It was great to hear them laugh and chat.

My friend and son bought a house recently and she spent time looking for a house that had a separate room downstairs where her 25 year old had enough space for friends could come and chill or play their music.

6 friends doesn’t sound bad at all. It’s a decent number I usually have that many for the ‘girls at my gaf’ night.

Would a coffee / lunch date with one of your friends be a reasonable starting point for her? crikey I wouldn’t want to be that friend. I’d feel like I was being examined or interrogated or something. Why would I want to go for lunch with someone’s mum when it’s the op I’m friends with. What if mum doesn’t like me at the end of the lunch. It’s a massive backfire!

I’m surprised though at 23 mum doesn’t know any of the 6 friends already.

@godmum56 I did mention my concerns earlier up the thread. Being worried about having to move back home after leaving uni halls unless I can find a job immediately after graduating. I will have a proper think about it though :)

My children never have to ask, first I know is when their friends just turn up and in they come.

Honestly, this thread is turning into whatever the parent of an adult child version of a 'cool wife' is: 'yes, my 25-year-old son regularly turns up with a dozen of his closest friends and we don't give a toss'.

Clearly, the OP's mother DOES give a toss, for some possibly very complicated reasons, and the OP is trying to be thoughtful and respectful and find solutions that work for both of them.

Living at home as an adult is not ideal and there needs to be give and take on both sides, but ultimately the person whose name is on the mortgage / tenancy agreement has the final say.

I think you need to accept this as one of the downsides to living in someone else's home.

Try to remember your dm is doing you a huge favour by supporting you to live in her house and this isn't something you are entitled to.

when you are older, you do want the privacy of your own space. But when you are young, you want to explore relationships and meet new people.

I don't consider them to be mutually exclusive, and I am of the older variety age-wise.

As a single mum myself, I've never had a problem with DS having friends over. It started as play-dates when he was a toddler.

Maybe introduce them to your mum so she doesn't feel that "any old random's going to be in my house".

IME living at home as an adult is more like being a lodger than a house share. I wouldn’t have been allowed more than one or two friends round and the children never asked for more.

There was that one weekend I went away and DD had several friends over for the evening. Never again. I’m with your mum.

Are your friends all from uni? I'd ask them to let you know of any rooms going up for rent in any of their shared houses.

@LonelyInAutumn

My mom is actually going away to her boyfriends today and returning on monday but I don't want to invite them behind her back. Also, we're all adults so there won't be any mess. I just wanted to invite them over for some food and watch a film or something like that

Were you allowed friends round when you were growing up?

@Nanny0gg I never really had a lot of friends growing up so nobody really came over besides my cousin who was in the same year at school as me

I want to thank everyone for their input. As I mentioned before, I just think the excitement of finally having a group of friends has gotten to my head. I won't be inviting them over unless I get my moms permission as I don't want to be rude or disrespectful (even if she will be away from home over the weekend). Thanks again :)

I'm sorry to be blunt but I think your mum is totally neurotic. That's really not normal.

If my child wanted to invite friends round and they were otherwise responsible I would be thrilled and would happily accommodate them as long as it wasn't intrusive.

But the thing about other people's "smells" is really fucking weird tbh. How has it not messed with your head that she says things like this?

I assume you're living at home because of cost but tbh I would be trying to get the hell out of dodge.

Honestly, this thread is turning into whatever the parent of an adult child version of a 'cool wife' is: 'yes, my 25-year-old son regularly turns up with a dozen of his closest friends and we don't give a toss'
Ok so you exaggerate but I honestly don’t think that is the case at all.
Sure everyone circumstances aren’t different but it’s ok saying that the mum doesn’t like it but it is also the OPs home as well.

It doesn’t sound like she is inviting any randomer into the home.
The OP asked if her mothers response was normal and the response was she doesn’t like other peoples smells and likes the house to be clean. That isn’t a normal response.

I can’t think of any time my friends smells have lingered after they’ve gone! .Op is inviting friends round not a pack of skunks! Why wouldn’t the house be clean?

[quote LonelyInAutumn]@Nanny0gg I never really had a lot of friends growing up so nobody really came over besides my cousin who was in the same year at school as me[/quote]
@LonelyInAutumn it sounds like her OCD has curtailed quite a lot of life? It’s a shame because [depending on some particular factors] there is some very effective therapy for OCD in its various forms - CBT. I hope you invite your friends and can agree an arrangement (compromise) with your DM so you can enjoy your social life in your own home up until you leave home.

It's not you, it's her. I would ask if she has any sensible friends you could talk it over with, who could take her aside and go,
"I always worried about LonelyInAutumn, she didn't seem to have many friends, but now she has some which is fantastic. I hope you're letting her bring them round some time, it is such a shame when young people have nowhere to meet friends without spending money that they don't always have" (or similar).
But I guess she doesn't really have friends?
Sympathy OP.
Have another chat and see it you can ease her into it - point out that you don't want to be a bad person but equally it's your home too, and see if you can start off with a couple of friends for a short visit and work up.

@AffIt

Honestly, this thread is turning into whatever the parent of an adult child version of a 'cool wife' is: 'yes, my 25-year-old son regularly turns up with a dozen of his closest friends and we don't give a toss'.

Clearly, the OP's mother DOES give a toss, for some possibly very complicated reasons, and the OP is trying to be thoughtful and respectful and find solutions that work for both of them.

Living at home as an adult is not ideal and there needs to be give and take on both sides, but ultimately the person whose name is on the mortgage / tenancy agreement has the final say.

there's nothing "cool wife" about pointing out that the mum's reaction is really very unhealthy indeed.

Two issues here really:

One is the question about whether its reasonable for the OP to have friends over. I would argue that it is as long as she doesn't take the piss (and she hasn't).

But the most relevant point is that the mum is neurotic as fuck. I would frankly be pretty ashamed if I had ever told my child I didn't want people bringing "weird smells" into my house. That's off the chart OCD and a bad example to set to your kids. If you're sufficiently troubled by this sort of thing you owe it to your children not to pass it down to them.

@Stompythedinosaur

I think you need to accept this as one of the downsides to living in someone else's home.

Try to remember your dm is doing you a huge favour by supporting you to live in her house and this isn't something you are entitled to.

What a weird take. Parents letting their children live at home while they study is "doing them a huge favour?" OP is at university. It's not like she's working full time and not paying any board.

[quote LonelyInAutumn]@godmum56 I did mention my concerns earlier up the thread. Being worried about having to move back home after leaving uni halls unless I can find a job immediately after graduating. I will have a proper think about it though :)[/quote]
why? do you think she would not let you back?

That's off the chart OCD and a bad example to set to your kids

It’s not off the chart OCD, it’s fairly typical of the kind of disruption this disorder causes which is why those of us who treat it get so fed up with phrases like “I’m a little bit OCD”! It’s not really just being difficult or setting a bad example, it’s really debilitating and disruptive, but it is treatable.

@godmum56 well, First reason being that I don't want her to think I'm too dependent on her. Secondly, she wants to move away with her boyfriend at some point and if I have to come back home then I will only be holding her back from living her life 😔