To not be allowed to invite friends over

[LonelyInAutumn]

So, I'm 23 and I'm in my second year of uni. First year we were in lockdown so wasn't able to make friends. This year, I made a group of friends (7 including me) and this is the first time in my life I've ever had a group of friends and I'm just so happy and excited.

I'm 23 and still live at home (yes I'm aiming to move out but not possible atm before anyone says anything) so I asked my mom if I could invite my friends over and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Mom, would I be able to have my friends over tomorrow?"

Mom: "(silence)... well, I want to say yes but..."

Me: "but what?"

Mom: "I'm just really territorial and I don't want other peoples smells here. I like the house to be clean."

Me: "okay then."

Is this a "normal" response? Also before anyone else asks, I do pay rent/housekeeping, I cook 90% of the meals and I clean the house every sunday (mopping, dusting, hoovering. I do it on sundays because my mom goes to her boyfriends house and it's easier for me to do it while the house is empty) so it's not that I sit at home doing nothing.

AIBU to have asked in the first place?

Oh my days @LonelyInAutumn you are carrying a LOT of the mental load of your mum's life. That last comment made me very sad.

I think you should definitely move out for third year. Don't worry about having to move back, you'll be able to get a room in a house share and I bet once you've gone you'll take any sort of work in order to stay gone. This situation isn't healthy for you, you should be having the time of your life but you're spending your weekends cleaning and worrying about holding your DM back from happiness with her bf? Nah. Cut the cord love and go and life your life.

[quote LonelyInAutumn]@godmum56 well, First reason being that I don't want her to think I'm too dependent on her. Secondly, she wants to move away with her boyfriend at some point and if I have to come back home then I will only be holding her back from living her life 😔[/quote]
but don't you think you are dependent on her now? It seems to me that she is the one who is living her life now.....she has her botfriend (and his smells) when she wants him and you as obedient housemaid at home?

What do your friends small of?

@YouOKhun

That's off the chart OCD and a bad example to set to your kids

It’s not off the chart OCD, it’s fairly typical of the kind of disruption this disorder causes which is why those of us who treat it get so fed up with phrases like “I’m a little bit OCD”! It’s not really just being difficult or setting a bad example, it’s really debilitating and disruptive, but it is treatable.

That may well be the case and I don’t want to diminish this condition.

But the point is people are saying the mum’s behaviour is completely reasonable when it really isn’t.

If you have a condition like that I have sympathy but there’s also a responsibility to try not to pass it on to your children in a way which limits their lives. The mum sounds like she is actively going out of her way to condition it in her kids, going on about people and their “smells”.

@Viviennemary

"People of 23 don't usually have friends over if still living with their parents. Meet them in town."

If the parents consider it their home, of course they are able and do, do that.

I'm in a similar position to your Mum. My DD is free to have friends over when I'm in my bfs. I treat her like a house mate. We have ground rules and respect each other. She gets the use of a three bedroom house with gardens/BBQ etc, which she couldn't afford if she moved out. I get someone minding the house and sharing some of the bills. It's a win/win.

@LonelyInAutumn

I'm very tempted to just invite them but I feel that would be disrespectful on my part. I might ask again later and just reassure my mom that the house will be clean and tidy. Also just to add, it's just girls, no males so she wouldn't need to be worried about that

Well done OP. I don’t think you should go behind your DM’s back either. Seven people is quite a lot, I’d speak to your mum again and offer to pay for any damage if it occurs, say you’ll clean up, leave it clean and tidy.

To be honest I’d be nervous, but you seem mature so I would trust you and hope you kept to your word.

Yes, if you pay rent then you should able to have people round. It’s your home too.

I can't believe how many people are saying that 7 guests is a lot! Two families of 4 getting together for dinner is 8 people! Anf it's not like they're small children who are going to tear the place apart.

OP your mum sounds very very unreasonable: she's not even going to be there but she's worried that their smells will linger?

OP,

I think your mother is very unwell, unfair and controlling.

Her behaviour has kept you very isolated.

She sounds like a very very selfish person.

You pay rent, 90% of cooking and all the cleaning?

You sound like a servant to her.

You need to plan to move out as soon as you can.

Her behaviour is awful and completely unfair.

I feel very sorry for you.

I'm sorry - your DM is utterly batshit. Before even starting in friends, why do you do all the cooking and clean all day Sunday?

Is her BF allowed to visit? If so, why is her friend allowed in but not yours?

Great that you now have a group of friends - have you considered whether your DM's refusal to have people over in the past has made having friends difficult?

Having friends over, be it one or six, just shouldn't be an issue. You're an adult and absolutely should be able to enjoy your home.

Next year why not try to move to a student house share with your friends? No controlling DM! Live like a student.

DD is younger (12) and we often have extras here. She asks if she wants friends to stay over but other than that they just rock up. They sometimes make a mess. But I want her to feel comfortable here, and her friends too. I often had groups of friends over in late teens - didn't ask; we were very boring & played Trivial Pursuit most of the time 😁 DParents still reminisce about this... and it was about 35 years ago!