AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

@AngelinaFibres

As you say ' you don't need or want a farm'. That's the crux of this isn't it ? You don't need or want the farmer either really do you ? You can do all this alone. You aren't married, you have plenty of money for the lifestyle you want.There is just the slightly inconvenient fact that you have been in a relationship with a farmer for 20 years. Would you actually prefer it if he left you now ? Not your decision, not your fault, because everyone can see the amazing house you have bought for him. What a horrible man. How ungrateful he is .Hhhmmmmmm.

Not the situation at all. I'd be devastated. I love him, he's everything to me but the situation is complex.

I don't want a big mortgage!! I don't need or want a farm!! I want a comfortable house and to reduce the pressure on me. I want a life Ffs!

I think this might be telling. You want different things (err obviously re the house but more generally). His life is outdoors based, his job is his life whereas you want to use your money to do more interesting things. Your idea of a life is not land-based, mending fences, tending stock, tinkering with machinery, whatever. Completely different lifestyles.

Is his current farm at all viable as a business or is it 150 sheep and a couple of pigs type thing? A hobby farm?

OP I could have written your post almost to the letter a few years ago. I was in exactly the same place as you except married. He was incredibly disrespectful of me and the contributions I was making and I became increasingly resentful of him being a passenger in our relationship. I'm now divorced and living alone bringing up my kids and paying for everything. Cutting him loose was the best decision ever. I have never looked back.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at al. It seems you’ve spent 22 years enabling him to have a life free of most responsibilities and do nothing other than a job he loves.
You have been last in all of this and he’s having a tantrum because he’s lost control of the situation. I think he needs some thinking time on his own. He’s had his own way and his own life fr long enough, how dare you disrupt it!
You need to sit down and think about whether you do actually love him, or do you love an ideal that isn’t really based in reality?

He's a fairly low earner and he wants ponies? Why? What am I missing here?

Not relevant to discussion but I'm madly interested in what you do that supports this lifestyle.

As an aside, I was married to a farmer and it was shit. He was 7th generation though, unfortunately I think one of my sons wants to go into farming too... I keep hoping a developer will buy his land instead.

@Alliswells - your ‘reverse’ falls down on an important point - he is unlikely to be able to pass the business down, he doesn’t even own the flipping land he farms!! In farming this makes a HUGE difference. He can pass on his hobby, no more.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

He's a fairly low earner and he wants ponies? Why? What am I missing here?

He is a farmer and they already have ponies. Is what you are missing.

He's a wonderful Dad.

No!! I've dealt with every aspect of the children, he probably does two school runs out of 10 per week.

Like I said, I pay for the children (privately educated) he's never bought any clothes or uniform or such like.

It's all so very contradictory. A wonderful dad would want his children to have a secure home after years of renting. Having a relationship-ending tantie over a (free) house is also not wonderful. I expect his ego is dented.

Regardless of being married you have been together a long time and obviously worked in partnership and are raising children together. I firmly believe a decision like that should be equally made, especially if you are asking him to live there and make it a family home.

You do sound very resentful that you make more than him

[quote Blinkingbatshit]@Alliswells - your ‘reverse’ falls down on an important point - he is unlikely to be able to pass the business down, he doesn’t even own the flipping land he farms!! In farming this makes a HUGE difference. He can pass on his hobby, no more.[/quote]
Actually there is an enormous amount of skill and knowledge in farming which he can pass down to his children.

@BulletTrain - yes I missed a whole page! Up to speed now!

@SagaNorenLansrimMalmo

You don’t need or want a farm? But the man you’ve chosen as your partner for the last 20 years does! So do you want a joint future together or not? Because isn’t that what it boils down to? If you do, you need to start taking his business seriously, because that’s who he is, whether you like it or not. You can not like it, but then don’t be surprised when your relationship fails.

I'll correct what I said here,

I'd love a farm and not have to go out to work. I'd love to look after animals all day BUT I CANT because we can't afford it, it's just not a realistic ambition.

Therefore I've made realistic expectations of life and lowered my horizons. I am just looking for a simple life where my partner speaks to me!!

Im buying a big house for our family which he's not had to contribute in the slightest too. Can no one see that? Why can't I expect him to be just a teensy wee at but thankful of my efforts.

Instead I get punishment! It's a real head fuck, hence the post.

[quote ImJustMadAboutSaffron]@BulletTrain - yes I missed a whole page! Up to speed now![/quote]

I must admit when the OP initially made it sound like he was a windsurfing instructor or sold t-shirts on Etsy I was a bit WTF ponies too!

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

He's a fairly low earner and he wants ponies? Why? What am I missing here?

For the kids of course. We've already got ponies - he wants at our home though! The land I bought as no house attached.

OP, what were his comments about the house purchase when he initially agreed to it?

It does seem tricky that he has paid the majority of the rent for years and now will not own any of the house. I would talk to a lawyer about relationship property before this goes too much further, just to know where you stand.

There really is some wonderful advice here, I just wanted to say thank you for your help. 🙏🏻

What does he farm, exactly? What does this rented farmland of a decade produce?

@Timeforanewoneofthese

I think you need to own some of your choices here a bit more.

You haven’t been forced to do this miserable job to keep your heads above water. The job earned enough for all bills, food, children expenses and school fees and paid enough to save up 6 figures. You absolutely did not need that job, you needed a job that paid the bills, food, children expenses and enough for a bit of a holiday. If the job was making you that miserable you could have taken about an 80% pay cut and still had enough to live on.

This, really.

You've chosen to prioritise earning a lot of money. That's your choice. Yes, you (as a couple) need to earn enough to keep your family afloat. You don't need to earn enough for private school fees. You've chosen to do that.

Your DP has different priorities, but there's nothing wrong with that. I also have a career I enjoy, rather than the highest-paying career I could possibly do. It seems like a clash of values between you and your DP.

@k80pie

OP, what were his comments about the house purchase when he initially agreed to it?

It does seem tricky that he has paid the majority of the rent for years and now will not own any of the house. I would talk to a lawyer about relationship property before this goes too much further, just to know where you stand.

Sorry, seems like the law is a bit different in the UK regarding property when in a long term relationship - ignore my post.

You can't railroad other people's opinions and wants when they are the polar opposite of yours and expect them to think you are amazing. Your partner isnt going to speak to you if he feels you aren't listening when he tells you something that is important to him.

@Alliswells

I have my own business, which I'm passionate about and physically work hard to keep it going and see someday one of the kids taking it on when they are older. While it's a very worthwhile business it's not a big earner. My dp has been a big big earner for about ten years and has paid for the kids to go to private school and loads of great activities and holidays. Dp has made some investments and has had a recent payout and the plan was we would buy a house. While I've not always been in agreement with what the household finances are spent on, because I'm the lower earner I feel I either have to put up or shut up. So it was good I was being included in the plans for our new home. However it seems we've reached a make or break issue. Currently my dp wants to buy a house that I'm really really not keen on. I'm being made to feel like I've no say in it because I'm the lower earner in the home. I have discussed with dp my views about the house but am devastated to have found out that they've went ahead and are basically going to buy the house with or without me. I am gutted, angry and feel demoralised.

That's excellent. Thank you

Ah @Alliswells, sorry - you misunderstand me….. yes, there is a huge knowledge base and sill set required for farming and yes, you are right - he can hand this knowledge on. What he can’t hand on without owning the land is a viable business.

Skill not sill!

I'd love a farm and not have to go out to work. I'd love to look after animals all day BUT I CANT because we can't afford it, it's just not a realistic ambition.

'not have to go out to work'? He's a farmer! He does a hard, manual job 7 days a week. You make it sound as though he just sits around petting the cat.