AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

I think he's being unreasonable. You want an investment for yourself and the children. You deserve security after your hard work. He'd like to live on a farm for himself. If he can still do his dream job earning shit all purely for his own enjoyment, while you get to be a home owner after years of hard work, and he's refusing...then yes he's being selfish!

OP: That said it would be financial suicide for me if we were and we then split. I'm sorry to admit I've looked after number one here somewhat.

Very wise, OP. Great foresight. Don't marry the farmer.

It’s not his fault you hate your job. You do your job because you want lots of money, and the fact that you want lots of money isn’t his fault either. Describing his career as a ‘lifestyle business’ makes it sound like he sells crotchet nic naks on Etsy, whereas he’s a hardworking farmer. It sounds like you don’t respect him, and that’s the death knell of any relationship.

Is it correct that he can still carry on farming the land he's currently farming if you move? Can he afford that, or would you be subsidising it?

When he says it's the house or him, I strongly suspect he's bluffing. He knows that if you choose the house, that's his family gone and also his hobby farming.

This all reads like you basically don’t want to be with a farmer.

I’ve no idea if you’ve any insight into why you stayed with one for 20 years when it made your life so hard.

Anyway, now you are able to rescue yourself and this all seems to be news to him.

Hang on. So you've bought a £700K house almost entirely out of savings, paid 2 sets of private school fees, done 8 out of 10 school runs and paid for ponies. Meanwhile he's contributed... very little by comparison.
Unless you're downplaying his contributions, you sound like superwoman!!
I'm not sure this all adds up, but this situation wouldn't work for me and I'd have to question who was benefiting from this arrangement.
Best wishes OP.

I’d 100 per cent call his bluff.

‘Ok darling well I love you very much and I see that the only thing that’s going to make you happy is for you to buy a farm with lots of land so I’m freeing you to go and do that’

He doesn’t want to buy a farm, he wants you to buy a bloody farm despite the fact you can’t afford one and don’t want one.

I don’t think this issue is about your wishes trumping his because you’re the higher earned, I think this is about him being selfish, stubborn and completely unrealistic about what you can afford and him being willing to put aside everyone else’s happiness in favour of his own.

If it were a male higher earner and a woman who refused to move unless the new property were a fairy castle with a swimming pool, it would be equally unreasonable.

As you know, yours is quite a weird set up.

He’s an adult so it’s understandable he doesn’t want to be told where he’s living. But given you appear to do most of the heavy lifting financially and emotionally, it’s understandable you want to crack on.

I think you need to take a breath. Why are you in this relationship? The fact he’s a good father isn’t an answer, he can be that if you separate. Is this just habit? It would appear so, because checking your partner is on board before buying a house for you both to live in is basic good manners. The fact you didn’t think to do this suggests you are at the end of your rope.

On the face of it, it sounds like the two have you have probably got to the end of the road. I’d talk to him about it this weekend.

I don’t think you’re being that unreasonable, especially considering that he had originally agreed with putting the offer in! Presumably you’re not asking him to give up his work & you’d still have the land you’ve already bought for the ponies. Why is him wanting to stay at your current house more important than you wanting to stop renting ?! So many people would give anything to have the means to buy a lovely house and stop renting - I’ve seen at least two threads about this on MN tonight! If he’s dead set against this particular house for some reason then fair enough, but I do think he needs to be realistic and come to a fair compromise with you.

If he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't want to be with you. He'll have to figure out somewhere else to go, then, I guess.

@JaniceBattersby

I’d 100 per cent call his bluff.

‘Ok darling well I love you very much and I see that the only thing that’s going to make you happy is for you to buy a farm with lots of land so I’m freeing you to go and do that’

He doesn’t want to buy a farm, he wants you to buy a bloody farm despite the fact you can’t afford one and don’t want one.

I don’t think this issue is about your wishes trumping his because you’re the higher earned, I think this is about him being selfish, stubborn and completely unrealistic about what you can afford and him being willing to put aside everyone else’s happiness in favour of his own.

If it were a male higher earner and a woman who refused to move unless the new property were a fairy castle with a swimming pool, it would be equally unreasonable.

OP, please do get the house you love, secure yours and your children's future. (I bet they'll prefer a village, at least once they're teens.)

If your current rented home was sold from underneath you, you'd have to move anyway. If your DP loves it so much, he can stay there and pay the rent 12 months out of 12. I bet he won't though.

Out of interest, how do you know he has no spare money if you've never seen his financials? I know that farming doesn't earn much, but given he doesn't spend much, he might have more than you think. It might actually suit him quite well that you think he's not got any money.

I take it you probably rent the farm and farmhouse
If he pays the rent 80% of the year why can he not then help with the mortgage or with buying a house

How can he expect to own a farm if he can't afford one, and won't inherit one? He's lucky to even be able to rent land, a lot of people can't find land to rent. I would love if someone would buy me a farm but it's not financially feasible right now, so it's not going to happen, and surely not worth turning up his nose at a perfectly good house? Fine enough to object to one but not because it's not his dream home and an owned farm, that's not very realistic is it. He sounds spoiled.

You've put yourself in such a good position money wise, you don't have to pander to him if you don't want. Suggest you live separately for a bit if he really hates the house (not necessarily splitting up) and see how far he gets supporting himself and his farm without your help.

This all reads like you basically don’t want to be with a farmer.

Really? Reads to me like she can't afford a farm for her farmer, but would still quite like a house to live in.

I think you do need to call his bluff!

Ask him to sit down and talk about how he’s going to manage 50/50 childcare and rent, work, school runs housework cooking etc and see what happens when the reality sets in.

He can’t have it all off your back.

Ask yourself this, if you were a single parent would you still make this choice of home? Can you afford it along with everything else you financially support? If yes, go ahead because all you’re losing is a dead weight, and with him responsible for the children 50/50 you’ll actually get a breather.

I do wonder how much of anything was discussed and agreed on together. Did he push you into a career you hate? Did he expect you to earn lots of money? Did he want the children privately educated? The music lessons? Holiday clubs? It doesn't sound like he's a lazy person. He might just have different goals and ambitions in life. It's clear though that you resent him for that and think you're better than him because of it. You're the boss and he can either like it or lump it.

I'm probably going to be unpopular in posting this. Is it absolutely out of the question to put his name down as joint owner of the house even it means that you will have a bigger mortgage?

When my dh (dp then) & I bought our first property I paid my half in cash & we took out a joint mortgage. That's the only way he could afford it & I wanted him to be a part of it & my life of course. When we bought our current home, I paid for 80% of the deposit & we again got a joint mortgage. He's been paying the mortgage over the years but obviously if he decided not to I will suffer financially. I don't think my dh would ever want to live in a property just in my name & rightly so in my opinion.

Similarly situation with our neighbours. She told me that she paid for most of their house (city lawyer & teacher dh) but it's joint ownership.

I also do most of the house work & 99% school runs, not quite with the neighbours. I'm 1000% OK with it. I did not choose my dh because of money. I want him to be a part of my life, hence give him a chance being a part of the house.

Op, if your dp can afford rent then surely he can afford to pay the mortgage. Is it absolutely out of the question you let him get a mortgage & be a part of it? BTW you never know what the future might bring. My dh is now earning enough to pay off the mortgage in cash (we took out a massive 1 for my current house). Just give him a chance to be a part of it ...

You could’ve saved yourself years of stress and a job you hate by not sending the kids to private school. That’s an entirely unnecessary choice. I’m sure you could’ve lived just fine on an average wage job and his farmer’s earnings. That said, he’s being ridiculous about the ponies. I think you’re both BU and both sound too single minded to find a compromise. My sympathies lie more with him though, I think it’s admirable he actually is doing what he wants with his life.

Is there any way that you can rent out the house you're buying and continue to live in your rental property? Then you have the best of both worlds. Your DP can continue to farm, and you get to keep the house.

It sounds like he doesn't want you to have this house of your own/in your sole name. After 20 years, to him it might seem unreasonable that he'll be living in 'your house' and that's why it's the house or him.

I don't see it that way and see it that you're contributing to everything and have a right to buy this for your family as a whole. He hasn't had an issue with you shelling out for everything until now, has he? Alternatively, you could get him on the mortgage/deeds and have a tight trust deed drawn up as tenants with unequal shares if that's what you want to do and if you think he'd even pay the mortgage.

If he's not bringing much to your relationship and this is a crossroads for you, highlighting some deep seated resentment and there's no redeeming factors, I'd press on anyway. He can continue being a great dad when he sees your children if he carries out his ultimatum.

The fact you’re buying in your name only I think is the problem op - what do YOU want to do? Can you afford to go it alone? It sounds like it so you have to ask yourself what you really want x
You could call his bluff if you’re prepared for him to walk away?
I personally think he’s being a twat and don’t like the fact it’ll be in your name only!

You need Kirsty and Phil.

They would tell you that you both need to compromise and draw up a list of must-haves and nice to haves. Then do a reality check of location/price on houses on the market.

Withdrawing from house sale is neither here nor there. Happens all the time for a whole host of reasons.

It wouldn't be in either the OPS best interests or that of her partner to buy a farm and work it together. She could lose everything she has worked so hard forIt makes sense now that he paid the rent 10 months out of 12 as farming is a business and the cost of rent is a business expense. If he's a hobby farmer then it's a very expensive hobby. As a one man band he would need a lot of kit and looking after animals is very hard work and again very expensive. Its also next to impossible to make any money

Hang on, why are you working your stressful job (and who are you working for) if you've sold your business, virtually bought a house outright and set aside money for the school fees?

What does he farm? Is the house you currently live in attached to the farm, so if you move, would he still have to pay the rent on it to continue to work?

@AiryFairyLights

The fact you’re buying in your name only I think is the problem op - what do YOU want to do? Can you afford to go it alone? It sounds like it so you have to ask yourself what you really want x You could call his bluff if you’re prepared for him to walk away? I personally think he’s being a twat and don’t like the fact it’ll be in your name only!

Please IGNORE my previous post - I posted before getting past the more enlightening posts and have kind of changed my opinion! I get what you’re saying, but are you in a JOINT relationship where feelings and decisions are of equal value and worth to the other? He’s still a bit of a twat for agreeing to you putting an offer in and then changing his mind - but I wonder if it’s become a battle of wills between the two of you because he doesn’t feel valued (and you don’t actually come across as valuing him) and you don’t feel he values you! Your problem isn’t the house as such - you need to work on finding some mutual respect for each other because I really don’t see any from what you have posted!