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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

489 replies

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:50

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

OP posts:
Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:42

@Alliswells

I think you are being massively massively unreasonable.
Help me understand why? Please 🙏🏻 I need to see the situation objectively, hence title of post!!
OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 10/03/2022 22:43

@floatsomeandjetsum - the thing about resentment is that it is almost impossible to recover from. It sounds like you feel you did not have the choices he did. But you were also part of allowing that so it can't only be laid at his door. But the thing that you said about the house

Now he's changed his mind massively but I've started the process!! I feel like he's dropped me in it.

Is massively unfair of him. It is almost impossible to have a long term relationship if you dont have a way to work out problems together. Which it sounds like you don't have .

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:43

@HappeeInParis

Does he understand how exhausted you are?

What is his alternative plan to buying the house? Just keep looking forever?

There is no alternative plan, that's part of the frustration. He'd have us renting forever if it was up to him. That idea freaks me out massively.
OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 10/03/2022 22:44

I think lots of people want space for ponies. I’m on the 3rd property l own but no pony space and l doubt there will be at the next property! As my mum used to say “he who pays the piper, calls the tune”. So if he wants a palatial property with lots of land and outbuildings then he needs to up his earning potential

It’s impressive the amount of men who have a hobby job. Which keeps them too busy to contribute much to family life and doesn’t earn much either. Yet want their wife or partner to earn good money AND keep things ticking over on the home front. He sounds like a self absorbed piss taker

Sally2791 · 10/03/2022 22:44

Keep the house. He can leave or contribute

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/03/2022 22:45

That would freak me out too! Especially with kids

He isn't gonna earn forever and a sole pension a house does not buy, or even rent.

WutheringCripes · 10/03/2022 22:46

Any particular reason you aren't married?

If you were then at least this would all be a joint venture and he wouldn't be so put out.

I can see how he might feel a bit emasculated to essentially just be lodging in your house when it should be a family home. I realise he could have made different financial/career decisions but he's probably not thinking about that at the moment.

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable, things seem to have spiralled out of control because you haven't clearly defined your roles and what you are both going to contribute to the partnership.

That being said, I'd be pissed off too if I was you, but it should never have got to this point in the first place.

kittenkipper · 10/03/2022 22:46

First generation farmer?! Now? As in he took it up in the last 10 ish years?! I agree that's hobby farming. It's not a profitable industry, certainly not in first generation (!) is hugely cliquey, takes phenomenal work and complete family commitment! It's a full all encompassing lifestyle and I cannot understand why he's chosen it if he's not independently wealthy and has children! I'm fifth generation, third child, and wouldn't willingly take on the farm with children. We didn't see my father all year and through lambing we were all permanently exhausted- mother, father, children, everyone! And my parents have a very successful farm. My mother stayed home to take the burden of us and home etc. Lots of money, lots of investment, land - the dream I guess. It's gruelling and not worth it for most. Clearly not for you op. Take the house.

Walkingalot · 10/03/2022 22:48

You've managed to save a huge amount to get you on the property ladder - despite all your other financial commitments and doing everything else. If you had done this with your OH fully pulling his weight with home life and kids, then I'd kind of understand his POV but this isn't the case.
Does he imagine that you are going to conjure up tons more money to buy his dream property and if not, insist you stay in rented accommodation, forever? Normally I'd say that buying a house is a joint decision but nothing you've described sounds like you do anything jointly/equally. Is the mortgage going to be less than the rent? As my DM would say, if you're not careful, you'll work yourself into an early grave. Do what's best for you and the kids, long term.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/03/2022 22:49

If you are a couple, choosing where you live if definitely a decision you have to both be happy with.

I think your dp has been a farmer for many years, and it would be unreasonable to expect him to change career. I think it is unlikely he could quit and start a new higher paid career at this point.

I am a nurse - I admit it is in part a vocation. There are better paid jobs I could do, but I would hate them. I would see it as unfair of my dp, who understood I was a nurse at the start of our relationship, expected me to change this.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:52

@WutheringCripes

Any particular reason you aren't married?

If you were then at least this would all be a joint venture and he wouldn't be so put out.

I can see how he might feel a bit emasculated to essentially just be lodging in your house when it should be a family home. I realise he could have made different financial/career decisions but he's probably not thinking about that at the moment.

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable, things seem to have spiralled out of control because you haven't clearly defined your roles and what you are both going to contribute to the partnership.

That being said, I'd be pissed off too if I was you, but it should never have got to this point in the first place.

You ask why we're not married?

He's never asked me!! Despite children and everything I've done for us.

That said it would be financial suicide for me if we were and we then split. I'm sorry to admit I've looked after number one here somewhat.

OP posts:
friendlycat · 10/03/2022 22:53

Sadly the more you post the less compatible you both seem.
But you have been together for a long time with children.

It sounds as though you both want completely different things. He farms, you don’t want a farm (accepting you can’t afford to buy a farm with profitable land). It sounds a real crossroads.

Xpologog · 10/03/2022 22:54

Sounds like he’s pissed off you can afford the house and he can’t. Did you look at many houses together, even online? You could go ahead with the property purchase and rent it out…….or move in and he can either stay or go.

AngelinaFibres · 10/03/2022 22:55

As you say ' you don't need or want a farm'. That's the crux of this isn't it ? You don't need or want the farmer either really do you ? You can do all this alone. You aren't married, you have plenty of money for the lifestyle you want.There is just the slightly inconvenient fact that you have been in a relationship with a farmer for 20 years. Would you actually prefer it if he left you now ? Not your decision, not your fault, because everyone can see the amazing house you have bought for him. What a horrible man. How ungrateful he is .Hhhmmmmmm.

Movingonup22 · 10/03/2022 22:56

I think the reality is the relationship has reached the end of the road and the house purchase really has just brought this out into the open.

I think but the house and he can continue to rent and do what he wants. You will be sad but also I think very relieved.

How’s your pension pot looking?

How old are the kids?

AngryPrincess · 10/03/2022 22:57

Tell him you”ll have ponies and a shed in the next house.

shssandhr · 10/03/2022 23:00

There's something really off about this whole thing.
I was going to scream "cocklodger" after your first couple of posts but then it turns out he's working 7 days a week and paying most of the rent.
Sounds like you don't want him to be a farmer.
Your lifestyles and goals aren't compatible.
Maybe you should split.

Moodycow78 · 10/03/2022 23:00

At the end of the day you've been together 20 years, he's not going to change so you need to accept this is the way he is or move on without him. Nothing wrong with looking out for yourself, I can see why you're resentful.

WutheringCripes · 10/03/2022 23:00

@floatsomeandjetsum

Well, in that case - he can't really complain!

And now that you're in such different places financially of course it doesn't make sense for you to marry.

I don't know what you can do to be honest.

Maybe buy an investment property for your peace of mind, rent it out, and then you and the family live in a rented property you both like and that you both contribute to?

Alliswells · 10/03/2022 23:02

I have my own business, which I'm passionate about and physically work hard to keep it going and see someday one of the kids taking it on when they are older. While it's a very worthwhile business it's not a big earner.
My dp has been a big big earner for about ten years and has paid for the kids to go to private school and loads of great activities and holidays. Dp has made some investments and has had a recent payout and the plan was we would buy a house. While I've not always been in agreement with what the household finances are spent on, because I'm the lower earner I feel I either have to put up or shut up. So it was good I was being included in the plans for our new home. However it seems we've reached a make or break issue.
Currently my dp wants to buy a house that I'm really really not keen on. I'm being made to feel like I've no say in it because I'm the lower earner in the home. I have discussed with dp my views about the house but am devastated to have found out that they've went ahead and are basically going to buy the house with or without me. I am gutted, angry and feel demoralised.

Cherryblossoms85 · 10/03/2022 23:02

The rights and wrongs don't really matter. To quote a rather dumb tom cruise film, you are not an effective team.

Alliswells · 10/03/2022 23:03

Perhaps this is his view?

BulletTrain · 10/03/2022 23:04

As you say ' you don't need or want a farm'. That's the crux of this isn't it ? You don't need or want the farmer either really do you ?

This. Where you have both been unreasonable is staying together for so long living like co-owners of the business Family Floatsum. Except really it's a business where you are CEO and own 80% and he is popping up at monthly board meetings to grumble about shit for the sake of it.

Honestly if you buy and start building equity then that could help buy something with no neighbours in the future as opposed to renting. I do not get why he doesn't get this.

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 10/03/2022 23:05

You don’t need or want a farm? But the man you’ve chosen as your partner for the last 20 years does! So do you want a joint future together or not? Because isn’t that what it boils down to? If you do, you need to start taking his business seriously, because that’s who he is, whether you like it or not. You can not like it, but then don’t be surprised when your relationship fails.

SagaNorenLansrimMalmo · 10/03/2022 23:06

And you have shafted him somewhat - if he’s been paying rent all these years, unable to save, while you’ve been saving for a house which you now own and he has no legal interest in because you’re not married?

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