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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

489 replies

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:50

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

OP posts:
Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:26

@HappeeInParis

I'd find it highly embarrassing (we've told friends and family, who are very pleased for us) and I love the house.

Not opining on what you should do- I think your later posts make it seem more complicated than it did at first- but wanted to say that the first bit of this really shouldn’t worry you. House purchases don’t work out all the time for all sorts of reasons. Loving the house is a reason to buy it but embarrassment definitely shouldn’t be.

Thank you
OP posts:
saraclara · 10/03/2022 22:27

@Travis1

I’d take the house and send him on his way. How the fuck is he a ‘wonderful dad’ when he works 7 days a week and contributes fuck all to their upbringing?! He’s the actual definition of a cock lodger
I'd say that working seven days a week is a contribution of sorts, and it doesn't appear to leave him much time to be a dad.

Much as OP seems to have to do everything, I'd say that cocklodging doesn't usually involve the bloke working seven days a week.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:28

@friendlycat

Sorry OP but there are so many drip feeds here from your original post.

At first I was completely with you but the more drips coming in does change the dynamics.

Ultimately you sound very resentful which ok is fair enough but it sounds way beyond the fact that he’s changed his mind on the property you have offered on.

Perhaps now is the time to reflect on everything and not just the property.

I shall, thank you for pointing it out. I've had my head in the sand I think.
OP posts:
Blinkingbatshit · 10/03/2022 22:28

OP - who owns the land he farms? Will the farm be lost when you move? Is he working for himself or is he a farm manager for someone else? What are you farming and how big is the acreage? Sorry - all questions which I think are relevant…. But simply put I do think you are correct - 700k will never get you a farm (well, you could maybe get 70acres with no house at a push but you won’t make money off that) - if you want an owned home then he needs to realise that a farm is not possible (unless you move to the nether regions of nowhere!)

JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/03/2022 22:30

So he’s a hobby farmer.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/03/2022 22:30

I think the issues in your relationship are way beyond buying a house.

You resent him.

You don't see yourselves as a unit or team.

You feel that having a higher paid job gives you control of family decisions.

Maybe work out things between you before getting a mortgage.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:31

@Blinkingbatshit

OP - who owns the land he farms? Will the farm be lost when you move? Is he working for himself or is he a farm manager for someone else? What are you farming and how big is the acreage? Sorry - all questions which I think are relevant…. But simply put I do think you are correct - 700k will never get you a farm (well, you could maybe get 70acres with no house at a push but you won’t make money off that) - if you want an owned home then he needs to realise that a farm is not possible (unless you move to the nether regions of nowhere!)
He rents the land.

I've bought some but not enough.

Yes he can continue quite easily if we move. We had a 3 miles search criteria of the animals which limited possible houses when you already live in the sticks!

OP posts:
Scbchl · 10/03/2022 22:31

I'm confused, you've saved 750k and saying you can't afford a farm when he's a farmer. Surely you could both go on the mortgage take out a larger one so you can buy your own farm that will bring in a larger income than just him being employed elsewhere? Then he can have people working for him and maybe be able to help out at home more to take some stress off you.

Grenlei · 10/03/2022 22:31

I call bullshit on this.

You're expecting us to believe you've saved up 600k in about 10 years, as well as paying 3 lots of school fees (that must be £60k a year alone), keeping horses, and all other expenses?!

What are you earning - 250k a year?

And if you are, I don't get why you wouldn't get a bigger mortgage to secure a house you'd both like. I wouldn't buy a house with my partner without knowing I had his full agreement irrespective of his financial contribution. I'd want us both to be happy there, not just me.

spotcheck · 10/03/2022 22:31

OP
It sounds like you have different values.

It's a bit unfair to paint him the way you have, but I completely see why you are resentful.

But honestly- if you hate your job, get out. Do something else.
Compromise on the house and try and be mortgage free but in a smaller place.

AngelinaFibres · 10/03/2022 22:33

The way you wrote your first posts suggested he was lazy and feckless and running a hobby business that had no value. Now it turns out he is a farmer. That's totally different.
You say he doesn't tell you his feelings or communicate properly with you. Is this purchase a way to punish him? He won't discuss things with you so you will spite him by making a massive decision that has totally emasculated him. You chose it, you told friends and family it was a done deal, you love it. Not only does he not love it , he doesn't even like it. Have you made it clear to friends and family that you are buying it without him ? That must be difficult for him.
Is the property you currently rent the farm that he farms? If so then the rent he has been paying on it will have been significant. Your Op worded it in such a way as to minimise the amount he must have contributed. You have given the impression that he is running a failing gift shop and paying rent on a tiny house. He clearly isnt. If you are renting the farm and the house, then what will he do when you move ? Can he still work the same land or will he lose that? If he can't farm then what will he do ? All the farmers I know need to be outside doing stuff. Can he still do that?
You say you have worked yourself into health issues. Your 3 children didn't need to go to private school. That must have cost an absolute fortune. Nobody needs a pony. You may as well put a huge pile of money in a heap and set fire to it. You could have paid a fee to borrow someone else's pony and worked fewer hours. Did he have a choice whether his children went to private school or did you decide that you were paying so it was your choice ?
The amount of money you have saved ,whilst putting 3 children through private school, paying for ponies and cleaners etc etc is enormous. What on earth do you do as a job ?

CatherinedeBourgh · 10/03/2022 22:33

This is really difficult.

As a farmer I can see how a village house would just not work for him, we have just moved from a farm to a village and are desperate to get back to the countryside. Will take a smaller, worse house with land over a village house any day.

OTOH, I can really see how for you the security of owning your own place might outweigh it. But because your finances are so separate, he just doesn't have that pull at all.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:35

@Grenlei

I call bullshit on this.

You're expecting us to believe you've saved up 600k in about 10 years, as well as paying 3 lots of school fees (that must be £60k a year alone), keeping horses, and all other expenses?!

What are you earning - 250k a year?

And if you are, I don't get why you wouldn't get a bigger mortgage to secure a house you'd both like. I wouldn't buy a house with my partner without knowing I had his full agreement irrespective of his financial contribution. I'd want us both to be happy there, not just me.

Sadly not bullshit. Why would I make this shitstorm up?

I sold a business which netted me (in my world) a lot of money. I put some aside for a house and some aside for the children's educations and house deposit. In addition, I've saved aggressively.

I don't want a big mortgage!! I don't need or want a farm!! I want a comfortable house and to reduce the pressure on me. I want a life Ffs!

OP posts:
Instafreak231 · 10/03/2022 22:36

I think it’s strange that you say ‘I pay for this and he pays for that’ etc - you’re a couple. Surely your finances are pooled, apart from some personal spending money each?
And has he done more childcare etc? Does he do more in terms of housework?

I think it’s very unfair to just buy a house and expect him to move in with no say.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:37

@spotcheck

OP It sounds like you have different values.

It's a bit unfair to paint him the way you have, but I completely see why you are resentful.

But honestly- if you hate your job, get out. Do something else.
Compromise on the house and try and be mortgage free but in a smaller place.

Thanks- i hear you.
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2022 22:38

Keep the house, dump the farmer. OK, maybe that's a rash reaction. But owning a home is the key to feeling secure in your home. No one can raise your monthly payment or sell it out from under you. As long as you keep making those payments, you can't be evicted.

It's pretty clear that you are NEVER going to be able to buy what he wants. Not ever. And so your choice is to stay in rented for the rest of your life and he keeps dreaming of fields and ponies, or buy a damn house that is suitable for the family as a whole. Not just one member of it. The house is suitable for you, it's suitable for the kids. The reason he thinks it's not suitable for him is because it's not a farm/place with big acreage. Which you can't afford in the first place. I'm sorry but it's your hard earned money. Buy what you please. The last thing you want to do is spend your own money on a place that suits him. Because if it all goes tits up, you'll be the one stuck with it.

Just out of curiosity, is where you're living now a rented farm? If you moved where you want to buy, how would he farm from there?

But anyway, what is his alternate suggestion? That you stay where you are with the insecurity that rentals bring? Is he just unrealistic about what your money will buy and he thinks you're not looking 'hard enough'? Or does he think that you're purposefully 'hiding' all those affordable farms in the estate listings?

Timeforanewoneofthese · 10/03/2022 22:38

I think you need to own some of your choices here a bit more.

You haven’t been forced to do this miserable job to keep your heads above water. The job earned enough for all bills, food, children expenses and school fees and paid enough to save up 6 figures. You absolutely did not need that job, you needed a job that paid the bills, food, children expenses and enough for a bit of a holiday. If the job was making you that miserable you could have taken about an 80% pay cut and still had enough to live on.

Alliswells · 10/03/2022 22:38

I think you are being massively massively unreasonable.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:39

@Instafreak231

I think it’s strange that you say ‘I pay for this and he pays for that’ etc - you’re a couple. Surely your finances are pooled, apart from some personal spending money each? And has he done more childcare etc? Does he do more in terms of housework?

I think it’s very unfair to just buy a house and expect him to move in with no say.

We have separate bank accounts.

I've never seen a tax return or a bank statement of his!! (Seriously)

We are financially independent of each other and always have been. Weird but true!!

OP posts:
HeadacheEarthquake · 10/03/2022 22:39

OP if you were making this up then none of these replies would be helpful so it's neither here nor there.

I think you've done a good thing financially for yoir family. With a the rent you're saving could he not purchase/rent land or a lot of allotment to continue his un-lucrative farming?

You didn't surprise him with the keys... he had time to put his opinion in. If you're a team then he should have spoken up.

Property is key - for your kids inheritance if nothing else.

latetothefisting · 10/03/2022 22:39

@JayAlfredPrufrock

What exactly is his problem? Do you love him?

I think ‘off you fuck then cunty chops’ would be my response but ……

This. Regardless of anything else, a person whose solution to a disagreement is to sulk and not speak to their partner for 2 weeks is not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with. Manchild.
RandomMess · 10/03/2022 22:39

With a 3 mile radius in a rural area how many houses are even to come up for sale?

He's living in fantasy land.

It's time for you to have a life. He can stay in the rented place if he wants?

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/03/2022 22:40

Also - congratulations on getting a house. When we bought it was such a weight off.

HappeeInParis · 10/03/2022 22:41

Does he understand how exhausted you are?

What is his alternative plan to buying the house? Just keep looking forever?

Blinkingbatshit · 10/03/2022 22:42

Ok, so he rents the land and can continue to do so after your move. The house is within the search area you agreed. Plenty of farmers round us have their sheep etc well over 3miles from home - makes lambing more difficult but it’s totally doable. You’ve been looking for years and have finally realised you can’t afford what you (/he!) wants. He needs to bloody well grow up. As you say he’s made a lifestyle choice as a career (no one goes into farming thinking they can make millions) - he can live his lifestyle but he needs to be realistic. His childhood fantasies need to be put aside and your future stabilised by owning your own home. If you’re rural and have a 3 mile search radius you will be very limited by the lack of stock - you (/he!!!) will need (have!) to compromise!