AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

I have read your whole thread and I think that you should go ahead with buying the house. If you have been working for 20 years then you are obviously not young and I think it gives a sense of security to own your own home (if you are able to).

A previous poster had a good suggestion to say to your husband that he could continue to keep a look out for his dream property (farm with house) and you would be open to moving again if the appropriate place came up in the future. I thought that your DP might be a dreamer. He isn’t completely in the real world but if it makes him happy to keep his dream alive then he can keep looking for his affordable farm and the OP would be prepared to consider it.

As PPs have pointed out, it's all a bit odd. I assumed OP had inherited. Now she's made it clear that it's mainly earnings then it makes no sense that she hasn't bought before now. Also makes no financial sense to purchase in the way she is suggesting. So it seems OP has no financial acumen as well as no respect for her DP and family. As I said in my earlier post, just a mass of contradictions.

Farming is also one of the hardest jobs going I imagine too. Working 7 days a week on a farm is not a lazy person nor is it a hobby. It doesn't excuse him not doing enough with the kids of course but it's not nothing either. I would hardly call a guy who works 7 days a week, pays 90% of the rent and half the bills a cocklodger.

Of course it's fair for her to revisit the relationship if she doesn't want to be "saddled with a low earning partner" (I hope my DH never refers to me in such a way but hey).

Anyone can revisit any relationship they like.

He's also no unreasonable to revisit this either.

AnnesBrokenSlate - my interpretation was that the reason that they hadn’t bought was because of the DP’s dream of a farm which was not affordable? I think that she said they had been looking for years.

There are obviously other issues at play which I've agreed are not right i.e. him not contributing fairly to the parenting. But I frankly find people's opinions on here of his "low earning" a bit horrible (and hypocritical given a lot of the threads on here from women with high earning husband's or partners).

If you only want to be with high earning corporate types that can afford private school and ponies that's fine. But maybe make sure you choose someone like that then and then you won't be "saddled with a low earner".

To me he paid the rent wouldn't mean he paid the entire rent but that he paid the rent contribution he was supposed to or agreed to with OP, whether that was half or if they had made a proportionate agreement (ie he paid lesser proportion) but only for 10 of 12 months so he was neglecting to stick to that. But also he rents out a farm so it may be that is being muddled up as OP talks about supporting him to do his farming career.

It's the use of "the" that may be an unfortunate mistype as OP talks also repeatedly about her financially supporting him. We have to believe the whole picture not overgeneralise from an unfortunate use of "the" nor understand what it refers to.

The rent is almost a redherring. If you are a farmer, a farmer needs land. Since OP's partner does not down it, he has to rent it. It is a business expense that he has to cover if he is to make any profit. Sure, OP gets 10 out of 12 months' rent paid by her partner, but I am sure she would rather not pay 2 months' rent for the family to live in his 'office' which is essentially what they are doing.

She wants to live in a normal house.

It makes me wonder though whether to OP, "financially supporting" him means covering luxuries like school fees and horses. Which no one actually needs.

Obviously if she can afford them then great. But I wouldn't call the higher earner in a relationship paying for more of the luxuries, financially supporting the other person.

I just wanted to point out that PPs going off on tangent that the DP was paying all the rent on current property they live in, probably is a misunderstanding !! And it isn't consistent with what OP has explained. It's difficult when something is misinterpreted and then repeated by other PPs as fact. It clearly isn't factual.

Does he want to buy a house or is it just that' house he's not keen on?

If he won't agree to any house then, for whatever reason, in the op's shoes, I would still buy a house, she also needs to secure herself financially, even if he doesn't want to.

But if it's just that house he doesn't like, then I'd find somewhere you all like. Having a list of must haves isn't a bad thing, but you will both have to compromise if you can't afford all of them.

She wants to live in a normal house

Which is understandable. But I don't think it means she can just decide they are all moving into some house she'd chosen against her partners wishes in the same way he shouldn't get to just decide they should buy a farm without her opinion.

That's not a partnership either way around.

Is farming ever really going to work out if you don't own a farm? Look at Gabriel Oak. Owned a flock of sheep but they fell off a cliff. Being a farmer only worked out for him once he married Bathsheba who owned a farm. But OP doesn't own and can't afford a farm. The people saying that OP is pissing over her partner because he earns less than her are missing the point: it's bonkers not to own a house when you're a high earner with 3 children, just to accommodate the lower earner's occupation. Perhaps OP could afford a farm in a much cheaper (and probably remote) part of the world but then would she be able to continue to earn? Plus unfair to uproot children who are doing fine.

@Shybutnotretiring

Is farming ever really going to work out if you don't own a farm? Look at Gabriel Oak. Owned a flock of sheep but they fell off a cliff. Being a farmer only worked out for him once he married Bathsheba who owned a farm. But OP doesn't own and can't afford a farm. The people saying that OP is pissing over her partner because he earns less than her are missing the point: it's bonkers not to own a house when you're a high earner with 3 children, just to accommodate the lower earner's occupation. Perhaps OP could afford a farm in a much cheaper (and probably remote) part of the world but then would she be able to continue to earn? Plus unfair to uproot children who are doing fine.

I don't disagree. But it still doesn't make it OPs sole decision. Not in a real partnership imo anyway.

She can of course, and may be sensible to, do it anyway and leave the relationship but if she wants to still be in a relationship she needs to treat her partner like a partner and value his opinion. And he needs to do the same obviously, he can't just decide they are staying or moving to a farm. Neither of them in a real partnership should get to unilaterally decide where the other is moving to, even if one does make more money.

He needs to get real. Find a house in your area that has all of those things he says he needs (land, buildings etc) and point out the price difference - which will be significant, I'm guessing. If he wants that then he needs to get contributing big time to the purchase. If not, then you are where you are. Why didn't he say something when you said you'd made an offer?

YANBU - take the house.

If you look at it in terms of sacrifices each of you have made....

You:

• bulk of the childcare
• all household admin/ mental load
• stressful job/most of the financial contributions
• unable to buy a home to this point bc of his desires
• holidays alone to facilitate his job

Him:

• long hours (but by choice for little reward)

-not going on holidays or having time off

• not getting all he wants in a home

Your sacrifices have been to facilitate what he wants from life. His sacrifices have also been to facilitate what he wants from life. It's time he makes a sacrifice for what you want.

Buy the house. It's your money and a roof over your children's heads that you own. He must know that his wish list is totally impractical at the moment. Get a big shed put in the garden for all his stuff and one objection sorted. Ignore his other objections. The children come first. Just say that when he gets a job that brings in a good income you can jointly buy the house of his dreams.

Look at bluebird's list of sacrifices.

You are doing all the sacrificing for a long time to facilitate his dream. The least he can do is lump it to facilitate your dream which you both agreed you have worked and saved towards for a long time.

It is your turn. So what if you get the casting vote. You more than earned it.

He could have got a higher paying job. He did not have to be a hobby farmer. He has dragged the family down. Nothing easier than to cast him off since your finances are separate. Sorry, I know feelings do come into this but that aside, these are how the chips fall.

Room for ponies?
I'm surprised they don't want unicorns

@Whatdramain2022

Buy the house. It's your money and a roof over your children's heads that you own. He must know that his wish list is totally impractical at the moment. Get a big shed put in the garden for all his stuff and one objection sorted. Ignore his other objections. The children come first. Just say that when he gets a job that brings in a good income you can jointly buy the house of his dreams.

Yes.

Ultimately, prioritise your dcs over the dreamer partner.

@floatsomeandjetsum you talk about being exhausted by your big job and resentful that he gets to do what he loves which is entirely understandable.
However, you are also talking about a big house, private schools, holiday clubs, ponies etc - why don't you take this opportunity to really assess what you want before signing up to a (presumably sizeable) mortgage.

Could you buy somewhere much smaller (less prestigious) and step down your work a little to cut down on your exhaustion and resentment?

I'm a sahm to a high earner, he has at times resented the roles we ended up in (& chose) but I genuinely have many times encouraged him to drop some of the trappings of wealth and work less. I'd have preferred that too but he wouldn't have it.

Maybe some counselling would help you both to see clearly and understand each other and your situation - you sound completely separate to each other with different goals and priorities.

Sorry but I think this is a load of bullshit. If the children were coming first, they’d’ve made different decisions a long time ago. And no job pays 200k a year but allows you to do housework, school runs, house admin and childcare yet be so demanding and stressful you’re at the end of your tether.

I wonder if relationship counselling might be helpful to help you both unpick what you want. You say you love him, but you don't want to pool resources with him, and you are "taking care of number one" in case of a break up.

You don't want to make a shared choice as a family unit about where you live, but you want him to be grateful for your choices? And you seem more worried about the embarrassment of pulling out of the house sale than about your dp's feelings.

She haven't got married because he hasn't asked. Did you ask him and he turned you down? It is a shared responsibility.

It sounds like he has contributed a fair amount to essential bills, so I wouldn't call his career a hobby. The extra things you are paying for are luxuries.

It sounds like your relationship is at the end of the road and you don't want the same things or to compromise. That is OK, it sounds like you can both afford to live where you want and to agree how to co-parent. It sounds like you have already checked out of the relationship tbh.

@AnnesBrokenSlate

As PPs have pointed out, it's all a bit odd. I assumed OP had inherited. Now she's made it clear that it's mainly earnings then it makes no sense that she hasn't bought before now. Also makes no financial sense to purchase in the way she is suggesting. So it seems OP has no financial acumen as well as no respect for her DP and family. As I said in my earlier post, just a mass of contradictions.

Thanks, but I don't understand where you're coming from with this. How do I have no financial acumen if I've created the fairly substantial budget? What do you mean it makes no financial sense to buy it in my own name? Genuinely puzzled by this!