AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

@implantreplace

There is something very “off” about this But I can’t put my finger on it

Definitely.

OP couldn't buy a house because of house prices and spent money renting, buying land and ponies and paying for private schools. She works 5 evenings a week.

And now says she's saved 700k for a big swanky house that her low earner farmer dp doesn't want to move to.

Pile of shite

He's a wonderful Dad.

This actually made me chuckle out loud. He is far from a wonderful dad. Are you not reading what you’re writing in your posts??

@implantreplace

There is something very “off” about this But I can’t put my finger on it

Yep and I don't know why people respond to this crap.

@implantreplace

There is something very “off” about this But I can’t put my finger on it

I think that too. Who saves up 700k but still does housework, shopping, childcare, dental visits and can pay for ponies and private school but bizarrely is only just thinking they can buy a house?

lots of people don't have land for ponies - they rent stables and visit.

I'm slightly confused how long you rented for then just bougtht a 700k house with only a small mortgage paid off in a few years. sounds like you could have bought much earlier with a more normal mortgage? I mean its a good problem to have - almost fully paid off nice detached house?

Maybe its just a nose out of joint thing but its a huge purchase to have made fairly quickly and maybe he doesn't feel part of the process.

If it ticks enough boxes for you, him and your family then any small disadvantages for a 'first' house should be understood and accepted

You need to separate out the issues.

1. Your job, you're exhausted and stressed and therefore need to stop your current job.

1. WHERE you live as a family.

1. The finances involved.

You need to sit down as a couple and discuss what to do as a team. You need to be clear that you are quitting your job and you won't be earning anything for a while and then not much for ever after.

Therefore you need to agree, as a couple what to do.

You can't afford to carry on renting where you are.

Could you move geographically to a cheaper area to get a farm?

Could he increase earnings somehow etc etc

But you need to agree as a team

@Pluvia

I am resentful I can't help it. I'm exhausted. I'm on anti depressants because my job is so hard. I keep going so that I keep the show on the road

Oh come on, stop this martyr number. You must be earning something like £200k in order to pay for three children in school, cleaners, ponies, holidays and everything else, plus saving £50K pa. The private schools and ponies are lifestyle choices.

You say he pays the rent on your current home. I'm wondering how much that is? I'm betting you're not living in a former LA property in a grotty area. So I bet he's paying £3k+ each month in rent for you all. Which given the current average salary doesn't mean he's bringing in mere peanuts.

If you were a man, OP, complaining that your wife was only earning £30k a year at her hobby-job, you wouldn't go down well here.

This!

Sorry OP if you're so stressed with your super high earning and stressful job then scrap the private schools, ponies, cleaners and huge savings. They aren't necessities, they are choices. Choices which cost a lot of money.

I can't believe the comments on here about farming being a hobby job and the rest. How insulting.

My husband owns a successful business, he earns very well. I stay home with our DC. If he ever bought a house I wasn't on board with that I was just expected to move into without complaint I'd be off.

"Keeping going to I can keep the show on the road" makes it sound like you're struggling to house and feed your kids on the poverty line.

The show in this instance is an extravagant lifestyle which you have chosen to lead. No one needs private schools and ponies. You're not a martyr for funding these things.

OP, think back to the time he decided to take up his all consuming hobby farming. Did you agree to that, knowing that it would take all his time away from the family without any financial benefit?

If farming is what is preventing him from going ahead with the house purchase, why shouldn't you be equally aggrieved that he boxed the family's lifestyle up into supporting his farming 'hobby' at the expense of your killing yourself at work to allow him to continue to.

If the only thing you ask for is to live in the surroundings that you have worked hard for (despite his negative financial and negligible domestic contribution), I'd say you have earned it.

Otherwise if you give up your dream house, I think it is fair that he gives up his 'dream' farming hobby and both re-visit the split of labour and duties in the marriage contract. I think this is long due and you have been bearing the brunt of it.

I would be deeply resentful of him if I were in your shoes.

I don't think enough detail has been given in your op.

To me it sounds like you think you can make all the decisions because you have all the money. Many relationships have a wide gap between earnings, some people don't earn at all where the other does. It sounds like you aren't communicating, it sounds like you aren't working as a team. it sounds like you think it's all up to you. Has he contributed in other ways? Has he looked after the kids whilst you've worked? It's not all about money!

What if this was the other way round? When the male was the high earner. I think people would be calling him financially abusive!

In this house mine and Dp's money all goes into one pot for whatever we need - we aren't married either but still a team!

@BoodleBug51

It'd be the house for me.

I think he sounds horrendous, sorry.

Yup!

It's an odd situation. Firstly that their doesn't seem to have been any joint finances despite 20 years together and 3 kids. If he is the lower earner has he had more input in terms of looking after the kids/ stuff around the house etc ? If a man had done this and the woman was the lower earner there would be outcry that her name should be on the house deeds etc.

It's hardly a hobby if he's managed to pay 90% of the rent on what I assume must be a farm (?) AND contribute toward bills.

He should definitely be more involved in parenting but all this "I've paid for all the school feels and ponies" just sounds ridiculous to me personally no one NEEDS private school and all the rest of it. It's not a necessity that OP HAD to pay for. If she's chosen to spend her huge wage on private school and horses that's fine but it's a choice. One that I don't think you can then get mad at your average earning partner for not contributing to. Most people on an average wage can't afford that!

you split bills but pay for everything for the kids. But he pays most of the rent you said (10 months out of 12). If you're doing private schooling, have a cleaner, have land for ponies I'm guessing you're renting a nice house which won't be cheap.

If he has mostly covered rent, that can have allowed you more capacity to save towards the house purchase, so despite you paying for it, he's at least partly helped facilitate that yet you're the sole owner, he gets little choice in the matter. I can understand his frustration. But I would try and get over it as a roof over your head even if only 80% ideal is something that make sense and it doesn't have to be a forever home

This doesn't make any sense.

You say he earns a pittance and contributes nothing financially. Yet he pays 85% of your housing costs AND half the bills.

You claim to earn something like £200k+ in a hugely demanding and stressful job, yet you also have time to do all childcare, including two school runs a day, and all the housework.

And with this £200k+ job you can't afford to take out a mortgage to supplement your almost £700k deposit.

Yeah. Okay.

@museumum

This thread is so sad because I see here a couple who love each other but just do not share a vision or dream of the future.

He wants a farm and I see no evidence he wouldn't be willing to live with the lifestyle/income compromises that entails.
You want a nice house and private school for the children etc. and fair play to you you've worked hard to make that happen. But I do understand how gutted he must be to see you spending your money on a house when in his mind a farm is the dream.

You both need to talk, really talk, possibly with a mediator or life coach to get this out in the open. It doesn't sound like he'll ever not dream of a farm, and that's just not your dream.

I agree with this.

If OP can save 700K, this is a high earner who would consider private school and ponies to be par for the course. These are for the dcs, not her. If her earnings allow her to do this, then why should her dcs go without just because she has a low earning partner who prioritises his farm and hobby instead?

There is a long term issue here about whether she wants to continue to be dragged down financially by a low earning husband. It is a continuation of the issue of a high earner dating a low earner and whether the high earner is prepared to forgo a nice meal in a restaurant she can easily afford in perpetuity for a coffee that he can afford.

It must be tiring to tip toe around his ego.

What are your DP’s plans for the future, when you are both unable to work and must retire?

How will he support himself then and pay rent?
How will you support yourself and pay rent?

Isn’t that the crux of this? You need future financial stability, which a house purchase with a small mortgage gives you.

I think based on the info provided, you are being horribly unreasonable. If the sexes were reversed a lot of people would be telling him (her) to leave you.
Obviously he needs to step up in terms of the labour of the household and kids but other than that he is not unreasonable to be put out that you consider your decision-making power to be greater than his based on the fact that you are the breadwinner. That's just an asshole move usually perpetrated by high earning husbands. Do better.

If her earnings allow her to do this, then why should her dcs go without just because she has a low earning partner who prioritises his farm and hobby instead?

They don't have to go without. But I don't see how OP can then hold it against her partner that he doesn't earn enough to contribute toward what are massive luxuries. Most people couldn't afford to pay for these things on an average salary.

If my husband turned around tomorrow and said he wanted to send our kids to private school and buy them a pony each then fair enough but he'd be doing so on the understanding that he'd be paying for it because I can't! If he then used that against me I'd be hurt too.

@NoSquirrels

What are your DP’s plans for the future, when you are both unable to work and must retire?

How will he support himself then and pay rent?
How will you support yourself and pay rent?

Isn’t that the crux of this? You need future financial stability, which a house purchase with a small mortgage gives you.

It gives OP. Not him. It's not in his name. She could turf him out the next day if she wanted to. How is that financial stability for him?

Buy the house. Look after yourself and your family. He sounds like a petulant child.

I think you'd both be happier apart.

Going by your first post alone, you are practically saying how great you are, paying for everything, doing everything and putting your DP down.

@AngelinaFibres
"Ikeptgoing
rebekuh where did OP say he pays all the rent on their current property and that he is subsiding her? She didn't. She said the opposite, she explains she is financially supporting him by far the bulk.
It's in her early posts"

It absolutely isn't I think PP are misreading

What OP says is
He's paid the rent about 10 months out of 12.

I read that as he contributed towards his share of the rent on property or for the land he farmed, for 85% the time, as OP repeatedly said she pays bulk of both of their living costs and for DCs, and subsidises DP's living costs.

Maybe OP can clarify but I think we can assume that all the other info she provided didn't indicate that he is paying her share!m (!!) and that he is paying less than his share.

@PineappleSundays

If her earnings allow her to do this, then why should her dcs go without just because she has a low earning partner who prioritises his farm and hobby instead?

They don't have to go without. But I don't see how OP can then hold it against her partner that he doesn't earn enough to contribute toward what are massive luxuries. Most people couldn't afford to pay for these things on an average salary.

If my husband turned around tomorrow and said he wanted to send our kids to private school and buy them a pony each then fair enough but he'd be doing so on the understanding that he'd be paying for it because I can't! If he then used that against me I'd be hurt too.

PineappleSundays, at the heart of the OP's dilemma is whether she wants to be saddled with a low earning unavailable partner who by of his own accord chose to be saddled with the hobby farm and substantially opt out of family life.

If OP does not get to decide where she would prefer the family to live, then it is fair play to revisit whether he should continue to do hobby farming and if not, revisit the entire relationship, particularly since they are not married.