AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

I honestly don't know what to say to you, OP, except that I could cry for you. You've waited what, 20 years to find the right house in a ludicrously tiny area, and now the wonderful man you've given up so much for is showing his true colours.
How much tiptoeing and walking on eggshells do you normally do? How often does he turn on the silent treatment? ( I suppose it's hard to tell when you never see him).
My guess is that he never wanted to find the right house, and the fact you have has pulled the rug from under his feet. (I bet you'd have been happy with many of the houses you've viewed, but he's found fault with them - am I right?)
Take time to consider what you need from the rest of your life, because I'm afraid that this is not a partnership - it just looked like one while your partner was getting all his own way.

So you do 99% of the childcare, pay all their expenses, contribute equally to bills but pay all holidays and food... Oh and you bought land for his ponies. Through all of this, you earn a lot in a job you hate, to find him earning a pittance in a job he loves.
I'm all for people doing what they love, my own partner will be dropping his hours to less than half of what he does now to retrain this year. However, he knows that if we didn't have other sources of income and savings, and if I didn't earn enough, he couldn't do it and would just have to make the best of what he has. I would say it's fair enough if you were happy in your job and happy to support him, but it doesn't sound like you are (and doesn't sound much like he cares, either).
I could laugh at the fact he's annoyed your new house won't have room for ponies if it wasn't so utterly entitled, maybe when he saves up himself or puts some effort into contributing, he can pay for land and stables to be built on it without relying on you.

@BulletTrain

It's weird that some PPs are suggesting she pays less for a house !!!

No it isn't. OP's slogging herself to death in a miserable job to "provide" for her family. Providing doesn't have to mean a £700k house. It could mean a £550k semi or similar, no mortgage and a bit of financial breathing space.

As a PP pointed out, she has not said her DP and children want the expensive lifestyle, or the opposite.

But the OP had said she seems her children to private school and they have ponies. Those are lifestyle choices that she doesn't have to make.

If you do resent your job OP, can't you cut costs elsewhere?

Well I know what I would chose 😬

Your paying for the house and he doesn’t want to move there as it doesn’t have land (not the house he wanted) yet he has contributed f*ck all towards it or anything else for the family?

Tell him your moving to the new house, the choice is his, he either comes with you or he doesn’t. If he chooses not to then what will he do? He can’t afford his own house and will struggle to rent alone on a small wedge, especially once child support is taken out?

Wow. It sounds very unequal. I’m interested in what kind of job you have if you can save £700k yet still find time to do all the shopping and take the kids to the dentist.

@lborgia that’s really interesting actually and does rather fit this situation I think as it’s so excessive. I guess what might differentiate OP’s partner is if he’s being “mean” alongside the silence or if it’s just a shutdown due to inability to process feelings.

And to bring it back to OP so we don’t hijack her thread (!) I wonder if a bit of therapy all round could be really useful as I’m not sure anyone is saying what they really want to right now. X

Seriously, what I get from your posts is although you’re very well off you have a deep resentment of the hamster wheel you’re on to have that money. Just get off it. Having enough to have a reasonably comfortable life will be fine. You and your family will be happier. Beyond a certain level, money will not bring you contentment. Discuss it with your partner and see if you want similar things from life and what compromises you’re both prepared to make.

Why have you made really bizarre financial decisions??
Why did you not buy a house years ago you have lost out on £££££££ who saves up 700£ then buys house with small Morgage utter bonkers you haven’t consulted a financial advisor let alone your partner but at least it’s your sole name - there must be reasons you haven’t married and joined financially

If he wants ponies he pays for ponies and his own hobbie she’d

Do you wonder if he's been able to be a 'wonderful dad' because he's had the time and mental energy to do this because of your sacrifices?

He sounds ungrateful

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

There are actually other sources of value in human beings besides sperm and £££, btw. For those on the thread who are in doubt hmm

There is more to a relationship than sperm and money, but if you’ve had kids together and he isn’t providing money, OR housework OR active parenting- the dc might adore him but sounds like he doesn’t organise their school uniforms are clean or make their lunch or or or , then love, sex isn’t enough, and he’s not offering the other things that make a difference either- when would he be if he isn’t there? It’s not enough.

@JayAlfredPrufrock

What exactly is his problem? Do you love him?

I think ‘off you fuck then cunty chops’ would be my response but ……

Hahaha!

Yes, this would be exactly my response!

What a mass of contradictions you are ... you'll buy a house without discussion but aren't married because your DP hasn't asked you

You decided on a quality of lifestyle that you wanted and are now complaining that means you need to work for it. Your DP doesn't want the big house (obviously - that's why you're here) and I have a funny feeling he didn't prioritise the private school either.

You're working for your feelings of status. You're ignoring what everyone else in the family wants. You're disrespectful of your DP's opinion, lifestyle and contribution. And then, cherry on the cake, you're aggrieved that no-one is grateful enough for you working to create a life that only you wanted in the first place. Oh, and I almost forgot , the undercurrent of it matters more what your family and friends think, than what your DP thinks about the house.

I can also see why posters thought this was a reverse. Nothing to do with sex and everything to do with attitude.

@Unsureaboutit9

He's a farmer, they work extremely long hours for little financial reward.

Calling that a lifestyle business like he’s a lazy artist is a bit unfair really. Especially as you’ve made out that you work out so much harder than him.

I agree, I wouldn't call farming a lifestyle business, it's anything but, it's usually very necessary and grueling work.

Where does he farm? Does he own land of his own or farm the currently rented property? That would put a whole new complexion on the issues here. Could you buy land and build?

I understand why you would feel resentful about how much is left to you and how his must haves just aren't possible, but as your partner I would feel destroyed that you were planning to buy a home I hadn't agreed to, on your own, basically saying he doesn't matter in this. You say you love him but that doesn't mean you are right for each other or that your relationship will be a healthy happy one. What do you want to do here? If it is the house or him what's your answer? No one else's opinion matters here. I think you're both being unreasonable to some extent, but that doesn't mean you should pull out of the house or that he should accept the way things are and move with you. This is the situation you're in and even if 100% of people said YANBU that doesn't mean he'd change his stance, so given the options what do you want to do?

@DisforDarkChocolate

Do you wonder if he's been able to be a 'wonderful dad' because he's had the time and mental energy to do this because of your sacrifices?

He sounds ungrateful

As he works seven days a week I don't think he can be assumed to have the time to do this. One thing that OP doesn't accuse him of is laziness. It's more that all his waking hours are devoted to the farm rather than the practicalities of parenting.

I'm astonished that farmers are given so little credit and that the lifestyle that living on a farm affords children is overlooked. What happened to all the people longing for the Yorkshire shepherdess' lifestyle?

I don't know how much it costs tenant farmers to rent their farms, but it's honourable work. Living on a working farm will give the children a good grounding in life and freedom and fresh air and independence.

Sounds to me, OP, as if he's wedded to the farming lifestyle and love of the land and you're not. It's not easy to look after animals well if you live a couple of miles away from the land you're farming. It sounds as if there's a fundamental incompatibility between you and no clear way to find a compromise.

We went to view the property together. We made the decision to offer together.

Now he's changed his mind massively but I've started the process!!

I feel like he's dropped me in it.

So you haven’t secretly chosen and bought a house, he played along then got cold feet. I think this is important.

And I’m sorry but if he has chosen to do long hours for no money- and not for childcare reasons- then he forfeits the right to 50:50 on financial decision, read: the right to say how you spend your money. Women on here are constantly advised to maintain financial independence, he should heed that.

The ‘honour’ of farming aside, the OP is not seriously expected to drop her hard saved £700k into her DH’s barely profitable business is she?

It doesn’t make much sense. You say in your OP ‘that the property market has almost escaped you’ Yet you had a very well paid job and were squirrelling away £700k and then wasting years and money renting. Why didn’t you buy a house years ago??

Agree a lot of bizarre financial decisions.

This thread is so sad because I see here a couple who love each other but just do not share a vision or dream of the future.

He wants a farm and I see no evidence he wouldn't be willing to live with the lifestyle/income compromises that entails.
You want a nice house and private school for the children etc. and fair play to you you've worked hard to make that happen. But I do understand how gutted he must be to see you spending your money on a house when in his mind a farm is the dream.

You both need to talk, really talk, possibly with a mediator or life coach to get this out in the open. It doesn't sound like he'll ever not dream of a farm, and that's just not your dream.

Why should he have to be thankful you've prioritised money and private school over other life choices. Why should he have to be thankful you're working a job that stresses you out. You're not doing that for him, you're doing that because of what you want for your family and DC. STBXH blames me for his stressful job and for going into more stressful higher managerial levels because he's doing this for us. I've told him many times I'd be happy with a lot less, that I think he should take a step back if he hates his work that much. It's his view of what our life should be, his choices that are keeping him in a stressful job, I'm supposed to be grateful for something I never wanted and put up with his moods and anger, because it's caused by stress from the job he's working for us, that's not really for us, it's for him.

There is something very “off” about this
But I can’t put my finger on it

No, I do bulk of housework and organise and pay the cleaners.

I do all shopping.

I do all kids admin.

I pay into the children's savings, he's not even put in a tenner towards them.

I have them at the weekends when he works (he works 7 days a week because of his job).

I make sure the children have shoes on their feet and food in their bellies.

I take them to the dentist.*

OP, you know why you came here and you know what you need us to say. This is insane. Why have you been carrying this fucker for 20 years?

You know exactly what you need to do.

@GabriellaMontez because she was asked why she wasn't married and her response was because he didn't ask?! She could ask if she wants to marry him?

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

True but equally I think people would be equally critical if someone posted on here that they had threatened to leave their higher-earning spouse unless he bought them a house with a pony paddock.

OP, everything you've posted seems so conflicted and confused. You claim to love and respect your partner but also describe his farming as a "lifestyle business" (I assumed he was selling crystals on Etsy or something!) You say he's a good dad but he never does anything. You're completely independent financially and you'd buy a house without him but are only not married because he hasn't asked...it's very odd.

It sounds as if you have perhaps got mismatched values and ways at looking at work and that your relationship has pushed you each into a more extreme version of yourself. So eg you think work is valuable if it makes money whereas he thinks it's valuable if it takes effort or fits with a particular set of values. And because of this you've had to take a more extreme position- working very hard doing a job you don't enjoy, which only makes you resent his approach even more. Meanwhile he's lost touch with the link between work and remuneration- he works hard at a job which is meaningful for him and the money is secondary- and sees you as the person who provides the cash. I wonder if he just assumes that you're naturally money-focused when actually it's in part a response to his lack of focus.

If it's worth making it work, I'd put the house on the back burner and get some couples counselling to try to understand where each of you is coming from. It sounds like the house is just a symptom of the underlying problems. OTOH if you don't feel it's worth making it work, maybe it is time to go your separate ways.