AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

@GandTfortea

Any reason why your not married ,and it’s not all family money ? Anyway ,as your not, Married ,you did the right thing …at least he can’t divorce you and take half the house , Let him leave ,he sounds like a child

She answered earlier. He's never asked!

You don't mention how old you are @floatsomeandjetsum ?

@bebarkered

I think he's an ungrateful fucker to be honest with you OP. He sounds entitled to me. You're the one buying the house, you're the one paying for your children's private education, etc etc. He should be thrilled about the opportunity to live in the home that you've paid for! Has this man never heard of the saying 'count your blessings' ?!

Yup. If he isn’t willing to marry you or share finances then he actively decided not to be in a financial partnership with you

Also: by working 7 days a week and having no real mechanism to talk with you (minimal shared holidays, no responsibility for the DC) what relationship is it that you are actually trying to save?

Sounds like you made a big change by selling your business with the idea it would change your lives and you will have “arrived” at some goal and now it isn’t panning out

Counselling could be helpful on both sides or for you to figure out what next and how to accept that you have just drifted apart in the ways that make a partnership meaningful

Ignore the sniping about your choices around private school, high earning etc

It's weird that some PPs are suggesting she pays less for a house !!!

No it isn't. OP's slogging herself to death in a miserable job to "provide" for her family. Providing doesn't have to mean a £700k house. It could mean a £550k semi or similar, no mortgage and a bit of financial breathing space.

As a PP pointed out, she has not said her DP and children want the expensive lifestyle, or the opposite.

I think when you are a parent and you have a partner who will not "adult" when it comes to finances, you should do what seems best for you and the DC and let the chips fall where they may with the relationship.

I mean, I have friends who do more (pay more even!) for my DC than your partner does for his own DC.

Oh and your partner is married...to a farm!

You know women can propose too right?

I think there is a third way here.
Buy the house
BUT
Tell him that when he finds the perfect house to buy that is affordable then you will move again.
I know it's a risk but it doesn't sound as though he is likely to put the effort in, even if such a house exists.
But it might allow you both some scope for moving forward.
I get that it's harsh for him to feel as though he is being forced into a move he doesn't want. But it's not reasonable to keep renting when you don't need to either.

@Sarcobaleno

You know women can propose too right?

I'm sure she does. So?

Who has been the main childcare provider your 3 DC? If this was reversed I suspect some of the answers on this thread might be different….

@UpintNorth

Who has been the main childcare provider your 3 DC? If this was reversed I suspect some of the answers on this thread might be different….

Op has already said she does everything while OH works 7 days a week...

@sadpapercourtesan

You should probably split up, then. You don't have the sort of commitment or equal relationship that living together requires.

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

There are actually other sources of value in human beings besides sperm and £££, btw. For those on the thread who are in doubt

This.

My initial reaction was "wtf?" and that he was being a dick, but then I considered how I'd feel if I had a partner who was much better off than me and they bought a family home that I didn't like. And how I'd feel is marginalised, disregarded, and completely fucking irrelevant, frankly.

I could never be in a relationship where I had less say in family decisions because I had lower earnings/less capital. It's like saying poor people's votes should count less!

My late partner came to our relationship with far less capital than me, and lower earnings. And I would never dream of buying a house for us both unless he was fully on board with it.

Like he says, it's him or the house. A bit of a communication bungle.

But he doesn't contribute in other ways either. It's not like he's this fabulous hands on parent. He's barely there! He's living his best life and leaving his partner to handle all the shit.

You don't sound at all compatible.

He is a freeloader playing at farming. He is playing, if it barely turns a profit. 20 years spent having a, hobby financed is quite enough.
If he wont move to the house let him stay in the rental and pay the rent and bills from his hobby income.
If he hasn't contributed financially he doesn't get to call the shots (especially when his expectations of what he can have are so unrealistic). He has no idea abd no common sense because he hasn't had to.
Seriously..... get your house. When he comes begging to move in once you aren't subsidising his hobby..... have a serious think if you can be arsed with a man child.

YABU you looked around the house and he wasn’t keen but you still put an offer in. Even if the house was purchased from your savings you are a family and surely there are things he’s contributed too?

@montysma1

He is a freeloader playing at farming. He is playing, if it barely turns a profit. 20 years spent having a, hobby financed is quite enough. If he wont move to the house let him stay in the rental and pay the rent and bills from his hobby income. If he hasn't contributed financially he doesn't get to call the shots (especially when his expectations of what he can have are so unrealistic). He has no idea abd no common sense because he hasn't had to. Seriously..... get your house. When he comes begging to move in once you aren't subsidising his hobby..... have a serious think if you can be arsed with a man child.

I couldn't agree more. You have carried a huge load, a career that is detrimental to your health for a spoiled selfish man, cushioned from the dirty business of paying for his children, by YOUR efforts.

You are nothing more that a cash cow, work horse paying for his hobby farm🙄.

Your children need you well.
Start looking at dialing back on that stress, if you want to be around for them.

If you’ve managed to save £700k why didn’t you just buy a house you both liked earlier? If you’re financially savvy you must know renting is throwing money away and investing in property years ago would have made you more money as the prices would have gone up? Far more than savings with low interest rate and burning money through rent.

I don’t understand many of your decisions but ultimately you just don’t seem like much of a couple? He’s the father to your children but you don’t spend much time together if he’s working 7 days a week and never goes on holiday with you.

Do you actually want to stay with him? You’ve said you resent him and he doesn’t communicate. If you do counselling may be the way forward?

You may be best buying the house but mainly because you seem to have made most decisions on your own? I’m sure he didn’t want to send the kids to private school.

I do get your arguments that he could have chosen a different job and contributed more. It sounds like you have struggled doing everything for years and it’s hard to get over that.

@montysma1 - how can you call someone a freeloader when they've been paying 90% of the rent?

@Alliswells

I have my own business, which I'm passionate about and physically work hard to keep it going and see someday one of the kids taking it on when they are older. While it's a very worthwhile business it's not a big earner. My dp has been a big big earner for about ten years and has paid for the kids to go to private school and loads of great activities and holidays. Dp has made some investments and has had a recent payout and the plan was we would buy a house. While I've not always been in agreement with what the household finances are spent on, because I'm the lower earner I feel I either have to put up or shut up. So it was good I was being included in the plans for our new home. However it seems we've reached a make or break issue. Currently my dp wants to buy a house that I'm really really not keen on. I'm being made to feel like I've no say in it because I'm the lower earner in the home. I have discussed with dp my views about the house but am devastated to have found out that they've went ahead and are basically going to buy the house with or without me. I am gutted, angry and feel demoralised.

To me it reads more like this:

I have my own business, which I'm passionate about and physically work hard to keep it going and see someday one of the kids taking it on when they are older. I’m not sure if that’s what they really want but I think it would be great. While it's a very worthwhile business it's not a big earner.
My dp has been a big big earner for about ten years and has paid for the kids to go to private school and loads of great activities and holidays. Dp has worked her arse off for years building and selling a business, saving and supporting me and the kids because I really love my low paying job and am unable to save or earn more. Dp is really keen to use her savings to buy a forever home so we can have security.
We viewed one together and agreed to put in an offer but now I’ve realised that it doesn’t have the land that I need and it’s not the one for me. Dp has bought some land separately but it’s not attached to the house and I’m not happy with that. She says that she can’t afford any more but I don’t see why I should settle for less than exactly what I want. She’s now upset because I can’t afford to contribute financially to the move and she says that we won’t find what we need within her budget, particularly because I need to stay within a 3 mile radius for my job. But I would sooner continue renting than have a secure home for my family because I don’t want to compromise on anything at all, even though she is forking out £700K.

I was a sahm and my dh is the high earner by far so I can see this from both sides. While dh would never but a house without my input, I would never have made impossible demands to the detriment of my family. Land doesn’t come cheap. Houses with land are even more expensive and sought after. Houses with land in their area (where he refuses to move from) are likely rare and way out of their budget. He cannot have everything he wants and his family need a secure home. He is being very selfish.

Room for fucking ponies. Is that his attempt at humour?

Jealous ol' shite. You sound amazing OP, a beautiful house off your own back! Inspirational.

Sorry the boyfriend's jealousy has got the better of him. You could try just saying OK and ignoring his sulk, pack up and enjoy your home, and he might give up when he sees no one's paying attention to his drama.

If not, well, he's got his 'lifestyle' career...

I am resentful I can't help it. I'm exhausted. I'm on anti depressants because my job is so hard. I keep going so that I keep the show on the road

Oh come on, stop this martyr number. You must be earning something like £200k in order to pay for three children in school, cleaners, ponies, holidays and everything else, plus saving £50K pa. The private schools and ponies are lifestyle choices.

You say he pays the rent on your current home. I'm wondering how much that is? I'm betting you're not living in a former LA property in a grotty area. So I bet he's paying £3k+ each month in rent for you all. Which given the current average salary doesn't mean he's bringing in mere peanuts.

If you were a man, OP, complaining that your wife was only earning £30k a year at her hobby-job, you wouldn't go down well here.

He sounds very selfish to me.

Does the job he loves while you work a high pressure job, run the house and do the vast majority of childcare.

Having secure housing you own is the dream for most people. Buying a house is a good thing for your family.

He seems to have a lot of dreams but no way of achieving them, other than expecting you to fund it and do all the work involved. This is your life OP. You deserve a break. You have hugely compromised on the location of the house. And he was on board until your offer was accepted and now he won’t speak to you. Yuck.
I would go ahead with the purchase. The only caveat I would place on this is, would you buy this particular house if you were single. If not, keep looking. But buy a house and find a way to ease the pressure on yourself.

@Valeriekat

He doesn't have a job he has a hobby which you have to subsidise.

How can working 7 days a week be classed as a hobby? Just because he doesn’t earn as much as the op - he obviously earns enough to have covered the rent and split the bills for the last goodness knows how long! NO ONE who works in farming does it for a hobby believe me - Insulting! And ask those here who have a lower paid job than their partners who they live with as common law husband and wife how would you feel if your partner bought a house for you and the kids against your wishes?

What percentage of the rent does he pay?