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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

489 replies

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:50

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 11/03/2022 06:56

It’s unreasonable if you want him to change to a soul destroying (for him at least ) 9 to 5 career when he doesn’t want to.

But, and it’s a big but, maybe he has to if he wants to stay in a relationship with you.
It sounds like farming rented land isn’t financially sustainable.
Or is it ?
Maybe he’s knocking himself out working all hours and is financially a bit daft allowing you to always pick up when he can’t pay all the rent or maybe he has saved more than you know about.

You have to accept that you can’t have the relationship with him you dream about. By moving to the new house and leaving him to continue to farm the land and make ends meet without your financial support, you will both find out if he can make it pay or he can’t.

It’s sad after all that time together, you aren’t really together at all.
So, if he won’t talk and plan properly for a good future, I think you do have to make this move to the new house to force the issue and find out where you stand with him. He has to realise he can’t keep following an unrealistic dream at your expense and ill-health. Continuing to enable him to waste your hard earned money has to stop now. You need a break. Go for the new house.
Good luck !

UsernameInTheTown · 11/03/2022 06:58

The house would win no question. Well done on all your hard work paying off. Xxx

GabriellaMontez · 11/03/2022 07:00

The problem is he wants to rent forever. (Buying what he wants isn't feasible)

You want to live in your own home.

If you'd presented your question like this you'd have had different responses.

Is there a compromise for him? Another house? Can you buy a property as an investment but continue to rent? Would that satisfy your need for security?

Would a less expensive house leave you with less pressure? Who is pushing you to buy such an expensive house? (Not him? He doesn't like it)

You say he's a good dad. But also that he does nothing for the children and is never there on holidays etc what does he do that's so great?

You'd be totally reasonable to leave him at this point. Sounds like he has his own goals and interests.

But do you want to find a compromise? If so back out of the house. It doesn't matter what your friends and family think.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 11/03/2022 07:03

He contributes nothing, remind me why you are with this guy?

Mummadeze · 11/03/2022 07:04

I get it. My relationship dynamic is the same and in your position I would just buy the house, put up with the sulking and do what you know is best for you and the children. He can still do his farming. He will probably come round. When you have worked this hard and taken responsibility for everything you get to a point where you do want to do what’s best for you because you have earned it.

rebekuh · 11/03/2022 07:05

You sound awesome. Well done for your achievements

Would he have preferred to buy a bigger house and have a joint Mortgage? I suspect he feels inadequate that he's totally dependent on you but that's not your fault

Also remember that men always resist change so he may soften to the idea of your house

I think you should mentally prepare yourself to separate from him. You cant rent forever

Blinkingbatshit · 11/03/2022 07:08

Why are people piling on to say it was OP’s singular decision to send the kids private? - her DP could’ve been equally insistent, we haven’t had that clarified! Is his fantasy farm in a specific area? This would also demonstrate his lack of realism - farms don’t come up that often and the opportunity to buy what he wants (even if you had the money) may never present itself.

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:10

I think what some recent PPs are missing is that OP can't afford to purchase a more expensive property with wish list of land that her DP wants her to. It's weird that some PPs are suggesting she pays less for a house !!! She's buying as much as she can afford and it's still less than her unrealistic DP who isn't financially contributing can afford (he doesn't pay all the rent on their current property btw where did PPs get that from?! She pays all schooling and childcare, and significantly other rent/bills rent and She's subsidising him already for the lifestyle he wants).

It's irrelevant that she has chosen Quality of life private school and ponies for their family as DP and DCs wanted that too and that is about providing good life tor their DCs, as they grow up that she funded. He's not even a SAHP. She does most of it in every area.

This is about a man who hasn't had to financially plan, now unreasonably wanting what he can't have and cannot afford and isn't paying anything towards anyway.

He is in no position to torpedo his children's future stability and should not try to do so as someone who should put his children first over his whims, like a good parent would do.

Life is about accepting there are sometimes compromises and making the best of what you have. OP is doing so, DP is not. Gosh a £700k 4 bed home in a lovely village is not a huge compromise!!! I'm sure OP would love same unrealistic wish list as DP, but someone has to be the adult and reasonable parents here.

rebekuh · 11/03/2022 07:13

After making sacrifices to put thee
Kids through private school you need to look after your own future too

You cant rent forever. The house is an investment for your future life beyond kids and your retirement

You cant keep cash in the bank. Your partner sounds as if he is burying his head in the sand and dragging you down too

spotcheck · 11/03/2022 07:13

@Valeriekat

He doesn't have a job he has a hobby which you have to subsidise.
He's a FARMER!!!!! He pays most the rent on the house which is attached to the farm. He is helping OP be in a position to save, which is not acknowledged.
Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:13

I mistyped I meant

She's buying as much as she can afford and it's still less than her unrealistic DP who isn't financially contributing wants. That's a totally ridiculous position that he is taking.

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:15

rebekuh where did OP say he pays all the rent on their current property and that he is subsiding her? She didn't. She said the opposite, she explains she is financially supporting him by far the bulk.

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:18

If he wasn't paying any rent towards their current rented property he would indeed be a cocklodger. He clearly can't afford even his fair equal share of their current lifestyle and housing/ family costs anyway.

Did everyone miss the very witty "crop lodger" phrase used earlier by a PP?! I thought that very apt.

Plinkyplonkyplonk · 11/03/2022 07:22

Farming is a lifestyle, no cash in bank. I understand he would struggle to give that up,it's just something in your blood- which is usually why farmers pair up with other farmers as it takes another similar person to tolerate it, it's not about money.

I don't think you are suited- you have different aspirations, you'll never agree on this I don't think.

AngelinaFibres · 11/03/2022 07:23

@Ikeptgoing

rebekuh where did OP say he pays all the rent on their current property and that he is subsiding her? She didn't. She said the opposite, she explains she is financially supporting him by far the bulk.
It's in her early posts
BrownStripePJ · 11/03/2022 07:23

Is he aware how mentally exhausted you are?

Does he know you want to hopefully retire /change jobs soon and that's why you don't want a big mortgage?

He needs to be realistic in that your search area is so limited you're unlikely to find the dream home with land etc

These are the things I'd emphasise to him to try to get him on board.

And suggest we live here for x years and move further away for the dream home when he's stopped farming?

Good luck

SquirrelG · 11/03/2022 07:24

You are clearly resentful of him. Your comments on his 'lifestyle' career choice and low income drip with it. I dont blame you if you are taking an unfair share of the load with a partner who wont work through problems with you because he wont talk. But if someone picked a house without consulting me, or bought one I did not like and expected me to live there, I would tell them to do one. He is not behaving well, but you have been massively disrespectful too.

I agree with this. You actually sound rather unpleasant, especially in your comments on what your partner does for a living. I have far more respect for someone who does a job they love than for someone who has a job they hate simply to earn enough money to pay for luxuries, and your dismissive attitude to him is unfair. Also your comment about having "lived for your children" - does your partner really factor so low in your life? You seem to expect your partner to be grateful for your choices - that doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

Forestdweller11 · 11/03/2022 07:26

I think I'd take some legal advice as to what if anything he would be able to claim in a split - you aren't married but he may have been paying for something that has implications for you. Plus is there any possibility that he will want to claim CMS from you?. I'd want that clearing up first.

Then I'd buy the house, make sure my name was off the rented tenancy and go. I'd ask him to come to I think..but if he says no, his choice. He needs to know the implications of that choice - eg he'd have all his own bills to pay, and all the 'wife work' to do.

Is the farm a common goal - once you bought the house can you set a new savings target to get part way to his dream (if it's yours as well)? Or push for some external advice from a land management company? So that expectations are managed.

Eddielizzard · 11/03/2022 07:27

I think your DP sounds a bit like a petulant child. He wants all this but can't afford it, so wants you to buy it and since you can't afford it he's thrown down this ultimatum.

Tbh I can feel so much resentment from you that I'm not sure there is a way forward here. You have protected yourself because he hasn't wanted to make the commitment of marriage. And now you are protecting yourself again because he doesn't want to make the commitment of a house purchase (even though he's not buying it). He doesn't seem to bring an awful lot to the table.

How old are your kids?

TheReddestJohansson · 11/03/2022 07:29

OP I think some of the PPs have been brilliant on here. Certainly regarding partnerships and decision-making so I really hope you can use that advice to move forwards. You really need to work on waving the “I’m the breadwinner” stick around too much. I’d hate to be just told where I’m going to live (I’m also the higher earner fwiw) so whilst he sounds like he’s being very frustrating indeed, when you reflect on your language do you think you could have done anything differently?

I ask that purely because you’re the one here, not because I think you’ve done anything wrong. I’d ask him too.

But in one of your comments did you say he’s been ignoring you for 2 weeks? That’s really not acceptable at all. Is this usual behaviour? Nothing can get resolved when one partner tantrums for that long. Fine - take a few hours out to be in a mood, but two weeks as an adult not speaking to your SO? Not okay.

Devon1987 · 11/03/2022 07:37

I completely get your resentment. He gets to a job he loves with none of the mental or financial load while you run yourself into ground doing everything. I get he can’t help being a low earner due to his profession. However it feels like he is taking the piss. And is no way grateful that he has this lovely life thanks to you.
Do what’s right for you and the kids. He sounds like a spoilt child who because he can’t have his dream house has thrown his toys out of the pram.
BUY THE HOUSE he brings very little. Being a good dad doesn’t mean he can be shit at everything else.
Take care of you for once.

thedarkling · 11/03/2022 07:37

This is the most batshit way to buy a house ever. Surely if OP was earning circa 10k a month (to save 600k over ten years) plus school fees /car etc then she could have easily bought a (now) 700k house much more cheaply ten years ago and made a shit ton of money on the house. It makes absolutely no sense.

That aside, I feel quite sorry for the farmer that's paid the rent all these years while OP has saved to buy a house on her own.

thedarkling · 11/03/2022 07:39

How much was the rent? Is this when it turns out to be 5k a month or something.

GandTfortea · 11/03/2022 07:41

Any reason why your not married ,and it’s not all family money ?
Anyway ,as your not, Married ,you did the right thing …at least he can’t divorce you and take half the house ,
Let him leave ,he sounds like a child

lborgia · 11/03/2022 07:42

@TheReddestJohansson - I have already written way too much, but I was also wondering if the OS actually has some neurodiversity stuff going on, ONLY because he seems to react very similarly to my DH..and selective mutism is a real thing!

It can look like punishment, but if something is truly too big/difficult/frightening to articulate, then he will find it impossible to discuss. Unless we approach it differently. But that’s a whole other thread/post.

Until relatively recently I would’ve strung him up just for that, but now, I don’t’ know if in time to help me though, I discover that this is an actual thing. Doctors and everything.

Anyway, I’ll wait for someone to say they’re sick of mental health being used as an excuse, and then I’ll say ND isn’t an illness, it’s just different wiring, maybe sensory issues, that make life incredibly difficult sometimes, especially relationships. And we’ll take the OP’s problem completely off track!