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To ask that dsd comes to visit the new baby the day after it is born rather than the day itself?

119 replies

beansprout · 04/01/2008 19:47

Am going to be having an elective c-section in just under 3 weeks. My parents will come up to look after ds while I am in hospital and to enable dh to come and go/spend time with me and the baby without having to manage ds through that period. This already means there are 3/4 visitors at a hospital that restricts visits to 2/3.

I have asked dh if dsd can come along the day after rather than the day of the birth (she is 20 btw). She is not easy to be around and I found her being at the hospital last time (emergency c-section with me being quite ill afterwards) difficult. I want to have people around me who are supporting me rather than not (which is the case, there are a number of threads about her demands and behaviour).

Dh feels that we can't "reject" her as she is the baby's "immediate family". She would need to travel from uni in Sussex to London so it's not like she is down the road.

AIBU to ask that she comes to visit the next day rather than the day itself?

OP posts:

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 04/01/2008 19:49

Sorry but she is either family or she is not.


VictorianSqualor · 04/01/2008 19:51

So your babies sister has to stay away, yet your parents don't?

I think you're being really unfair tbh.


Minum · 04/01/2008 19:51

All our family were invited on the day both DC were born, its about the children being welcomed into the family, its really important.


KaySamuels · 04/01/2008 19:52

What day of the week is your c section on? Just thinking surely if she is at uni would be better coming Friday or Sat/Sun? Could you arrange her visit around this?

At first readin thread title I thought you meant a child aged dsd - but as a step child myself (and now a step mum), I think a 20yr old should be able to understand and be able to wait 24 hours without feeling pushed out /threatened.


VictorianSqualor · 04/01/2008 19:52

Also want to add, if she makes the effort to get from Suffolk to London the day baby is born, then it would be mean to turn her away.

If you're having a CS you'll be in hospital a few days anyway so could she not see the baby and then help your parents out with DS?


kindersurprise · 04/01/2008 19:52

Not knowing the background, I would say that she should be allowed to come right away, it is the birth of her (step)brother.

If however, you are going to be stressed about it, then perhaps you could say that you have asked family and friends to wait a day before coming to the hospital. Or put a time limit on visitors, so she would only be there a short time.


harleyd · 04/01/2008 19:53

sorry but i think yabu


cat64 · 04/01/2008 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Saturn74 · 04/01/2008 19:53

I don't it's unreasonable to invite her the next day.
Couldn't you include her by asking her to come on the day you deliver, and make a meal for your DH in the evening?
She's not a young child, and you'll be very tired anyway.
Surely she'll understand that?


KaySamuels · 04/01/2008 19:53

My step children came to see me (aged 8 and 9 at time) later that same day, as I agree it felt right to include them - and they were the only people t visit me in the hospital apart from DP. But surely at 20 years old this should not be as much of an issue. ??


armyofme · 04/01/2008 19:54

understand where your coming from but sorry i think this is a little unreasonable and could make her feel a bit alienated....


armyofme · 04/01/2008 19:56

you're that is


poppy34 · 04/01/2008 19:56

why did you found her presence difficult at the birth of your ds ?


WinkyWinkola · 04/01/2008 19:57

Family or not isn't relevant here. I wouldn't want to see my DS or DD on the day of a C-section and they are my nearest family.

You choose who you want to see. It's your op. It's your baby and your time.

I can't believe the demands and pressures that are put on pg women and new mums sometimes. It makes me really cross because other people seem to impose and not put the new parents first. It's nobody else's time but the baby's, the mum's and the dad's. If they so choose.


FrannyandZooey · 04/01/2008 19:57

I can't imagine anyone wanting lots of visitors the actual day that the baby is born, although lots of you obviously did allow this

personally I would not want ANY visitors except dp and if possible my own young children - adult siblings, grandparents etc can obviously wait and should IMO be encouraged to - the first day(s) should be about mother and baby resting and getting to know one another, not a load of people traipsing in and gawping

I'm obviously in the minority here


FrannyandZooey · 04/01/2008 19:58

oh cross posts winky! not just me then


newgirl · 04/01/2008 19:58

are you sure you want any visitors on the same day? i had a very straightforward c section yet could not move for a day and had a catheter

perhaps the next day for everyone would be best?!

my 4 year old was fine about it - she just looked forward to me going home - she had no idea she could even go to the hospital and i would be more worried about your other one seeing you stuck in a bed not able to pick them up


Quattrocento · 04/01/2008 19:59

you are being horrible I think.

These threads where people try to justify being nasty to step-children always upset me.

I wish there were someway of hiding/ignoring them.


sazzybeehomeforxmas · 04/01/2008 20:02

I think either you allow your DS and your DSD to come on the day of your CS or the day after. If you let him come on the day and her the day after, you're basically saying that she isn't a part of your family. And when you married your DH, she became part of yours.


inthegutter · 04/01/2008 20:03

I think you could be storing up a load of trouble for the future. This is your DHs daughter, and your children's sister. I would think very carefully before telling her she's less welcome than the grandparents are.


hercules1 · 04/01/2008 20:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable.


VictorianSqualor · 04/01/2008 20:04

I think like some people have said not wanting any visitors is perfectly reasonable, but if you are allowing your parents to come then it's unfair to not allow her.

Imo it's the same when people say 'my parents can come see the baby but PIL's have to stay away'. It's selfish.


holidaywonk · 04/01/2008 20:05

Agree sazzybee. It's either no children or both children - not 'our child but not his child', that's rotten.


Phatmouse · 04/01/2008 20:06

I think its up to you. Your about to have a major operation, people should respect that you will be sore, tired and very hormonal. If you just don't get on and you wish your husband did not already have a family you may want to think again as he has and you can't change that but if the situation is one that would genuinley be stressfull, if she really does go out of her way to be a cow, then just tell your husband you need his support on the matter and she can come the following day or when you get home.

No ones seeing my baby the day I have him, I had my daughter on Sat morning and allowed people to come on Monday, family or not, we come first.


Niecie · 04/01/2008 20:07

I would have thought a 20 yo could wait as well.

I certainly wouldn't have thought you would want loads of visitors on the day you have an operation. What if you don't have the baby until the afternoon? There may not physically be time for everybody to turn up without you feeling crowded and under pressure.

Beansprout is having the operation - she should be allowed to have who she likes visiting her. There is also a world of difference between having your parents coming to visit who are there to support you and your DSD who sounds like she would be demanding.

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