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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask that dsd comes to visit the new baby the day after it is born rather than the day itself?

119 replies

beansprout · 04/01/2008 19:47

Am going to be having an elective c-section in just under 3 weeks. My parents will come up to look after ds while I am in hospital and to enable dh to come and go/spend time with me and the baby without having to manage ds through that period. This already means there are 3/4 visitors at a hospital that restricts visits to 2/3.

I have asked dh if dsd can come along the day after rather than the day of the birth (she is 20 btw). She is not easy to be around and I found her being at the hospital last time (emergency c-section with me being quite ill afterwards) difficult. I want to have people around me who are supporting me rather than not (which is the case, there are a number of threads about her demands and behaviour).

Dh feels that we can't "reject" her as she is the baby's "immediate family". She would need to travel from uni in Sussex to London so it's not like she is down the road.

AIBU to ask that she comes to visit the next day rather than the day itself?

OP posts:

LittleBellasRingingInTheNew · 04/01/2008 20:54

I think a dependent own child seeing her mother, is very different from an adult step sister seeing her stepbrother

edam · 04/01/2008 20:55

Quite, littlebella. IIRC my sister and I didn't meet our half-sister until the weekend after she was born - we weren't offended at all and we were a lot younger than the step-dd in this situation.

geordiemacminxpie · 04/01/2008 20:56

As a step-daughter and step-mum I can see both sides here. I dont think the fact that you want her to come the day after has anything to do with a pecking order, but more about your own well-being on a very emotional day.

I agree with RevGreen though, it has to be dh, or dh and all kids (step and your own). I know its a bit underhand but if she is staying with you could you not arrange for her to come and then tell her that you are unwell and make arrangements for the following day?

My dsd has never met her half brother, and he's 8 months today. She spat the dummy out when we told her I was 3 months pregnant and hast spoken to us since. Makes me very sad, as she will never get the time back.

I think teenagers can be hormonal at the best of times, there is no excuse for the horrile things she has said to you, but perhaps if you can do all you can to keep her on-side hopefully in years to come she will look back and realise how horrible she was.

Theochris · 04/01/2008 21:01

I also think that a parent having a second family is difficult to handle (even when older) and while it might be a pain you might make things easier in the long run if you are even handed. I don't really think that your parents should be before her.

Ultimately though you should get your DP to handle this situation if you decide to ask her to wait.

Quattrocento · 04/01/2008 21:08

I have no experience of either being a stepmother or a stepdaughter. I don't know whether it's necessary to have such experience. It might be. Must be possible for the situation to be very difficult. Nor have I any experience of having a C-section. Of course it's possible that direct experience of those things might change one's perspective.

But I do know that the only thing that "plenty of other threads" can testify to is what the poster has said. It does not testify as to the nature of the poster's step-parenting skills.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 04/01/2008 21:17

I don't think you're been unreasonable at all - you should definetly have who you want there, who you think would support you. It would make no difference to her if she came the following day. C-sec is a major op and I see so many women exhausted my too many visitors. I wouldn't have wanted anyone the first day apart from dh and my parents.

I think if you fully explain your reasons to her she should be old enough to understand.

mumeeee · 04/01/2008 21:20

I think you should ket her come on the day. The baby is her sister, But if you are feeling stressed then ask everyone to stay away until the next day.

Neverenoughmistletoe · 04/01/2008 21:25

Have you asked her when she would like to come?

LittleBellasRingingInTheNew · 04/01/2008 21:25

I've no experience of stepparenting, but tbh I don't really think this is about that. I do have experience of having a baby and needing to just be quiet and alone with my new baby and DP so we could adjust to each other. The stream of visitors coming and going were a PITA tbh, however well-meaning and kind they were. I just wanted peace. And I do think that just after having a baby, is the one time in the world when women are entitled to demand it. (Peace, that is!)

Kewcumber · 04/01/2008 21:26

She's 20 fgs not 5!

If she was your DD not your DSD, it would still be OK to ask a 20 yr old to wait until the day after the birth. They should be old enough (in theory) to understand.

Neverenoughmistletoe · 04/01/2008 21:30

But if she was your DD you would want her there and maybe even expect her to want to be there.There's the rub. She doesn't want her there. DSD knows that. This could be a chance to include her. 5 mins on this particular day could break some pretty thick ice.

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 04/01/2008 21:41

Precisely, neverenoughmistletoe

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 04/01/2008 21:47

I think in some ways that the parents being there before the sd is a bit of a red herring

they are there to look after the older child, yes?

I would actually prefer that no one else was around, even my mum, but I do need someone else around to look after my other kids. I don't see a way out of this. I don't think it means more people shoudl also be there.

Ozymandius · 04/01/2008 21:48

I think asking a woman who has just given birth and had major surgery to socialise cheerfully with someone who is actively hostile towards her on the SAME DAY is totally, totally unreasonable. I think adults have to take some responsibility for the consequences of their words and actions and at 20 this is an adult.
The OP's child is a CHILD who needs to see their mother in hospital. The dsd has a mother, and is not a child. Of course she should see her new sibling, but the OP also has a right to peace, privacy and not to be abused on the day she gives birth and has an operation.
I'm sure if the OP's mother or own adult child spoke to her the way her dsd did, they wouldn't be first on the guest list either.

anneme · 04/01/2008 21:51

I would suggest only having DH visiting on the day of the CS. As others have said, even with an elective you can be bumped and end up having it later than expected etc.

I had an elective 7 months ago and ended up being in hosp the night before and only saw DS1 (aged4) the day after the CS - he was absolutely fine about it - didn't really bother him at all because he was having fun with his grandparents. I was exhausted having DH and DS1 and DPs visiting the day after and don't think I would have coped with them all on the day.

What I am trying to say is why not just say that you will only have DH visiting you on the day -NOT because of DSD because you will then feel resentful of her - but because you and DH need time to recover!

Good luck!

catsmother · 04/01/2008 21:56

Totally agree with Ozymandius. She has it spot on, and Beansprout is not being some sort of monster by daring to suggest that SD's visit is postponed a day or so. I think she should be congratulated on her compromise considering the reception this adult stepchild gave her the last time she gave birth.

So far as adults are concerned, surely stepchildren should be held accountable for their manners and behaviour just as any other adult would be. All too often you get this "but they are family" argument irrespective of what's gone on before ..... yet being allowed to reject other categories of relatives for similar behaviour is "allowed", and indeed encouraged.

I think Beansprout should do what she feels comfortable with, not only on the day of the birth itself, but also in the 1st week or so. I thought this was more or less an unwritten rule for all mothers who've just given birth ?

Ozymandius · 04/01/2008 21:58

Actually, I only saw my younger ones the day after giving birth myself... no permanent scars there. My mother turned up, but I couldn't control that!

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 04/01/2008 22:05

She is still the OP's child, however old she is. And 20 isn't that old. I don't know what the situation is re the break up but I do know that if the OP wants her DSD to feel part of the family (and lets face it, she's acting up because she feels excluded, you don't have to be a child psychologist to work that one out) then she should not be actively excluded from the hospital on the day if the parents are allowed in.

Either DH only on the day or all of them. If the OP excludes only her, then it says to her 'you are not part of this family'. And so giving her extra ammunition to carry on being a complete cow.

And tbh I think it's all a bit precious - I had an elective CS and I don't have a partner and as a consequence my entire blimming family were there - all 7 of them. With an elective, you haven't had a vile labour and you're not that knackered. And you've had loads of good drugs. Smiling sweetly isn't too hard.

To keep the peace and bearing in mind that she is DH's child as is this new one, I'd let her come.

Sorry - I'm feeling a bit sorry for this girl so I'll shut up now.

RIELOVESBACARDI · 04/01/2008 22:10

i think you should do what you want unless you have a sd you have no idea how it can be

Ozymandius · 04/01/2008 22:10

Lots of people feel all sorts of things, but they don't have the right say horrible, mean and cruel things to each other because of it. At 20 you are definitely old enough not to be so spiteful. I was quite shocked by what she said actually. If she was seven or eight, I'd say, 'poor kid', but she's a fully grown adult. The next day is normal for visiting, and if the cs is late, which is also normal, after recovery time, she could be visiting at 9pm or later, when the OP will be exhausted, and I doubt the OP's little child will be coming if it happens then.
I really think it is ridiculous to consider a five year old and a 20 year old to have the same needs. I don't think a 20 year old needs her disliked stepmother in the same way as a five year old needs his mum.

BrownSuga · 04/01/2008 22:16

I think it's important for mum/dad/baby to have some time alone to bond. Unfortunately i was overruled by inlaws bringing my dh's dd to the hosptial the next day. At 20yo, i would think she should understand to give it a few days b4 she visited, even waiting until you got home.

Ozymandius · 04/01/2008 22:18

Anyway, does she even especially want to come on the day of the op?

chipmonkey · 04/01/2008 22:19

Oh, this is a tough one! Having had 3 CS's myself, I know how horrible that first day is, and tbh I was so doped-up on morphine that I can't even remember a lot of that time and dh said I was babbling away in a very strange way! My own children didn't come to see me on the same day and really, it was probably just as well as I was so out of it.
Could you get your dh to talk to her and explain that you will be very drugged-up and better able to talk to her the next day?

LoveAngel · 04/01/2008 22:21

YANBU. She is 20, not 2. Surely she can understand that after a major operation you may need 24 hours to recover and bond with your newborn before facing even the closest of family and friends?

Quattrocento · 04/01/2008 23:03

Ozymandias - you say that "I don't think a 20 year old needs her disliked stepmother in the same way as a five year old needs his mum." Nobody said that their needs were the same - this is all about exclusion - who is in the inner family circle and who most definitely isn't.

And as for the argument about accountability for behaviour catsmother, with respect, that's utter nonsense. There is nothing that either of my DCs could ever ever say that would result in my excluding them from the family or from the inner family circle. Nothing - and believe me they are capable of being pretty rude and obnoxious at times. The issue is about treating stepchildren differently from one's own natural children. I don't think it can be right to do that.

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