To ask that dsd comes to visit the new baby the day after it is born rather than the day itself?

[beansprout]

Am going to be having an elective c-section in just under 3 weeks. My parents will come up to look after ds while I am in hospital and to enable dh to come and go/spend time with me and the baby without having to manage ds through that period. This already means there are 3/4 visitors at a hospital that restricts visits to 2/3.

I have asked dh if dsd can come along the day after rather than the day of the birth (she is 20 btw). She is not easy to be around and I found her being at the hospital last time (emergency c-section with me being quite ill afterwards) difficult. I want to have people around me who are supporting me rather than not (which is the case, there are a number of threads about her demands and behaviour).

Dh feels that we can't "reject" her as she is the baby's "immediate family". She would need to travel from uni in Sussex to London so it's not like she is down the road.

AIBU to ask that she comes to visit the next day rather than the day itself?

I think that these are your options unless you want to look a bit like cinderellas stepmother. I think YABU to allow DS and not DSD or to allow your parents and not DSD.

-DH only

-DH +DS +DSD

-DH +DS +DSD +parents

Could DSD bring DS for a visit and then take him home again?

You're going to feel tired etc anyway whoever is/isnt allowed to see the new baby, but the big picture is making the baby's arrival as wonderful as possible. I look back on the amazing days my boys were born, I can't remember how I felt physically but I can remember what magical days they were of real celebration with everyone there (and it was a hard birth with blood transfusion etc etc)

I think the problem is that you don't feel comfortable with her. I err on the side of saying that adults with whom you don't feel comfortable are people who shouldn't be around when you have just given birth. I know that this is possibly really mean, and not diplomatic or anything. But I am selfish on these occasions, and 20 is not a child.

I know it is not the same, but PIL and their Views are planning to descend on us on the day of dc#3's birth. I am going to make dp have a Talk with them. I know from experience that they are utterly, utterly incapable of making an effort. We had a (tiny) party for dd the day she came home (mainly for the sake of ds, the only other kid there!) and MIL sat there, looking like doom, refusing to eat because of how things were different in her day.

My mother OTOH, can come, mainly because she is my mother and she can keep her mouth shut, but also because she is capable of feeling joy and excitement and does not nag me about the state of my fridge while I am trying to establish bf.

I suspect this isn't very fair, not, but feck it, I am not entertaining and being diplomatic and all the rest when I have spent the night squeezing something larger than a rugby ball out of my fanjo. No. They can bugger off or else get some manners.

If you ask DSD to wait, can you not say it is so that she can spend more time with the baby than if she came the first day when there were others there?

I too have adult step children, and understand how it can feel a litle awkward at times (especially if the step children are not always completely on side). I have had both dsc staying with us for both my CS (must remember to time the next one for term time, not holidays ) and, whilst it was a little awkward at the hospital, I agree with the posters who say that ulrimately, this is about family.

Tbh, having a baby is about more than the first couple of days, and if your dsd might be upset by being asked to come the day after, I don't think it is worth it.

I do also agree that you have the right to ask people to stay away after a major op though, but I would include your parents in this also. after my dd2 was born, dh came in with the temp nany we had and dd1 (she's ASD so needed to come and see me as didn't understand why I'd disappeared) and my step children both came the day after with dh. Parents weren't an issue in our case, but I would have asked them to hold off until after siblings had been.

I see this as a defining issue in who is seen as "immediate" family. It was neither easy nor convenient for my step children to be staying with me just before I gave birth either time (or comfortable to deal with some of their understandable issues after the birth, esp post op) but if they were my children I wouldn't have had the choice (nor wanted to), and that is part of what I accepted when i married dh.

It is also important to acknowledge your dh's views on this - he may feel as though you are drawing a line between "his" and "your (plural)" children, and asking him to make a choice between his children must be hard.

I've had 2 c/sections and honestly I wouldn't want to have a whole load of visitors on the day, so from that point of view I don't think that you're being unreasonable. Also with my last elective although I was booked in for 8am in the morning there were a number of emergency c/section repairs that pushed me down the list - in the end ds2 wasn't born until 7:15pm and I didn't get back to the ward until 10pm, so there were no visitors that day except dh. So I certainly wouldn't be encouraging anyone to make a long journey down just in case it doesn't go according to plan.

I have to say that if you're having major surgery then I think that you should be able to ask people to postpone their visits until you feel well enough. I had an em c/section with ds1, and he had difficulties afterwards so ended up in SCBU and I couldn't face my family even though they had travelled down - it was simply all too much to cope with at that time.

So personally I don't think you're BU. I guess it would be different though if DSD has been living with you full time since she was an infant though.

Also, my 4 yo and 2 yo would need to see me as I am their mother

It wouldn't be about them wanting to see the baby. I wouldn't mind making them wait to see the baby. But I wouldn't want to spend another night apart from them.

Seeing their new sibling would be a bit incidental really. Sorry...

Why not play it by ear and see how you feel on the day?

I have to say while 20 is not a child, if she wants to come I would let her. I would be quite hurt in her shoes. It is her brother. Afterall she is 20 and doesn't know what it's like to have a section, she probably thinks 'well people have babies every day!!!'

I would insist that people only stay for 5-10 mins at the most though.

I'd like to think that if I died or I got divorced, and DH remarried, that his new wife would treat my children as her own.

So I'd hope that if DH's second wife was allowing her own children to come and visit, that there would also be time for my children too.

Gosh, I think I must be hormonal because I am getting weepy over the prospect of my children having a prototypical wicked stepmother when their real mother is alive and kicking ...

I do see where you're coming from cls mother but if I were the DSD, I'd feel excluded. Given they already have a difficult relationship (reading between the lines), banning her from the day of the birth is hardly going to make things easier. If she's at uni elsewhere, she might find it difficult to get there. If she makes the effort, I think that's pretty amazing actually

just to clarify - if dd1 wasn't autistic, I would have had all children visit together. It was not possible to have step children come as well, as dh and I needed to reassure dd1, and tbh I think that would have made dsc feel even more left out. We talked this through with both of them (and I think they were relieved to not see me looking dreadful after the CS as they did for dd1, and come the next day when I was a little more with it!)

Silverfrog will you marry my DH if I kop it?

Quattro I think your post says it all. People need to try a bit of empathy. Place yourself in dsd's shoes. This is her sibling. It's not simply about dsd's feelings anyway - what about your dh?? You may be having the op, but this is every bit as much HIS baby as yours, and if he wants his other children to visit, then he has a right to have his views heard. I agree that if anything happened to me and my dp remarried, I would just hope his new partner treated him and my children with love and respect.

Agree about you and your DS needing to see each other, rather than him coming just to see the baby. When DS2 was born, DS1 didn't actually see him until he came home - Tuesday, after being born on the Saturday. This was partly due to the fact that he was in special care though. However, DS1 came into hospital on the Sunday and the Monday because I wanted to see him (had been in hospital away from him since the Thursday).

I felt terrible after my c/s with DS1, more so the day after than on the night of the operation. Was quite happy that I only had to see close immediate family (parents, MIL, DH and my little sister). FIL who I'm not so close to came on the Monday (DS1 was born late Saturday), when I felt a little more human!

Your operation, your baby, your rules IMO.

my reckoning is that she is immediate nfamily and sussex uni or whichever is hardly far from london..

so either no one except dp or include her and it's not going to be for long small scarifice for a life time relationship

Thanks for the offer, QC, but am happy with my dh!

I agree with sazzybee - if your dsd is already awkward and demanding, excluding her is not going to make her less so.

After dd1's birth (emergency CS after 38 hours labour), dsd (then 16) kicked up a huge fuss at the hospital about the fact that she had period pain, and it wasn't fair that I had pain killers when she didn't (she didn't, it turned out, even have period pain...). The mind boggles, but it wasn't about pain killers, it was about the fact that she was worried that she was no longer "daddy's little girl" (something that had been said to her by her mother...).

It wasn't easy to deal with, when all I wanted to do was cuddle up with my fantastic, much wanted baby, but then it wasn't easy to deal with dd1's demands in the hospital post dd2's birth. Parenting (and step parenting) isn't easy, but it is about trying to ensure that all family members feel welcome.

DSD won't melt if she doesn't see the baby on the day it's born. She'll see him/her the next day or whatever. Give the poor OP time to herself and to recover! She doesn't need to martyr herself at this time.

YANBU but I can see how your dsd would feel rejected - she doesn't have the same perspective or experience of having a baby, obviously, and 20yos are not always capable of seeing someone else's POV. Your dh should, though! Presumably he's a bit over-sensitive about his relationship with dsd, divorced parents esp. those without residence often are.

As a stepdaughter myself, I certainly wouldn't have expected to see my stepmother the day my half-sister was born unless invited. And definitely not at the age of 20. She may not at first think of your needs or understand what a major op involves but she should get it once it is explained.

Did you have a c-section last time? Even if not, dh should be able to understand what's involved. Could you get him to come to a midwife appointment with you and ask the m/w to explain?

I think dh should have a word with dsd, explain that of course you'd love her to meet her new sister or brother as soon as possible but this is a major op and you will be exhausted/unwell and that visitors will tire you out. And then invite her for a couple of days later.

Thanks for all the replies. Lots of food for thought.

I'm not sure about the pecking order model of families that seems to be used in some of the posts. My parents are incredibly supportive and have watched me go through a traumatic first birth, ending in an emergency c-section and now I will be having, what is, by any stretch, major surgery again etc. I am only allowed to have 2 visitors and on the day of the operation itself I want to be with people who are supportive and are not draining to be around.

Last time dsd came to the scan, insisted she was the first visitor, repeatedly told me that dh was going to leave me anyway and we had no right to have kids etc. I went a million extra miles to try and make it ok for her and was thoroughly exhausted and drained by it all. This time, for one day, I am going to put me first and what I want and need. One day in 8 years. If that makes me unreasonable, then so be it. I'm not a wicked stepmother btw. Plenty of other threads about this young woman testify to that.

I really do think this is about the poor OP recovering from a c-section and a woman who has just given birth having the right to decide how many visitors they have and who they are - not about rejecting dsd. Honestly, as a stepdaughter, I think those of you saying it's wrong to exclude stepchildren are a bit OTT.

Personally, the way I would handle it would be to get your dh to speak to her and ask her when she's planning to visit. Get him to explain that you'll be really shattered, sorting out feeding, immobile, catheterised and generally not very sociable. Gently suggest that there's not much point rushing up on the day itself, but if she sounds put out or upset then I think you may just have to bite your lip and welcome her with your parents or risk alienating her for years to come.

But how is it right to include your own children and not your stepchild?

I think that having just had a baby is the one time you are allowed to exclude an adult SD, actually. It's how you do it that's important. I don't know how you would feel about saying that you don't want any visitors apart from DH on the day, but that would be the most diplomatic.

It's a really really tough one. Yes she's family and in any other circs I'd say you have no right to exclude her. But having a caesarean gives you the right to exclude your DP if you want, imo. You have the right to have the birth and aftermath the way you want. As long as you make it clear that she is very very welcome afterwards, she ought to be old enough to understand.

I mean 3/4 visitors means both parents, husband and "own" child doesn't it? I'd say fair enough if the own child was not included ...

Quattro, the OP's ds is a little boy, not a 20yo who is perfectly capable of understanding the need to wait a day or two. Plus the OP is fully entitled to want her own ds to meet the baby first - she's the one giving birth! And I say that as a stepdaughter.