To ask that dsd comes to visit the new baby the day after it is born rather than the day itself?

[beansprout]

Am going to be having an elective c-section in just under 3 weeks. My parents will come up to look after ds while I am in hospital and to enable dh to come and go/spend time with me and the baby without having to manage ds through that period. This already means there are 3/4 visitors at a hospital that restricts visits to 2/3.

I have asked dh if dsd can come along the day after rather than the day of the birth (she is 20 btw). She is not easy to be around and I found her being at the hospital last time (emergency c-section with me being quite ill afterwards) difficult. I want to have people around me who are supporting me rather than not (which is the case, there are a number of threads about her demands and behaviour).

Dh feels that we can't "reject" her as she is the baby's "immediate family". She would need to travel from uni in Sussex to London so it's not like she is down the road.

AIBU to ask that she comes to visit the next day rather than the day itself?

So exclusion from a family circle matters not a jot to an adult? I see.

Having read through some more of the thread, although not all, I think MB's idea is hugely sensible.

It is not exclusion from a family circle. There are restrictions on the number of visitors so it isn't as if everyone will be there at the same time. Beansprout will be on a drip, probably unable to get out of bed, but bleeding from several places and have a catheter in - it isn't the same as wedding reception. And actually it is probably a fairly academic discussion because visitors even more limited if the c/s is delayed due to other, emergency c/sections or vb repairs. Certainly if someone had to travel I wouldn't advise it as they would be more narked if they travelled for little purpose.

But ultimately I think that Beansprout's dh is fairly important in this. I have no idea whether he understands what a post-c/s recovery can be like, and frankly my 2 were fairly different, so I'm amazed that so many people are adamant about the number of visitors that someone can have. If I were in Beansprout's position I would hope that I could explain my feelings to dh and then leave him to manage his dd on the day depending on how circumstances go.

A C-section is pretty major surgery. I can understand why the OP would only want her v. nearest and dearest there on the first day. Gawd, give her a break.

The DSD will probably not even notice she's not around for the day of the birth. And if she does, well a gentle explanation as to how tired the new mum is and how major the surgery is should do the trick for any reasonable adult.

I say always put the new mum first. Even if she seems unreasonable. Which isn't the case here.

Beansprout I have read your OP again. It seems to me that your DH wants his DD to see the baby on the first day with her other sibling.
I think you know YABU
But I also think it is up to you to decide as only you know the state of your relationship with DSD, and hers with DH etc.
I wish you a safe delivery whatever you decide.

i wasn't an adult at 20, certainly not where my dad was concerned.

Isn't it both yours & dh's decision though beansprout?

Your dh is your son's dad.
He is the new baby's dad.
he just happens also to be SD's dad.

can you sort of see where your dh is coming from? He loves all 3 children the same & won't make a difference in them, why should you make such a difference?

Surely a 20yr old would be much less bother than a 5yr old anyway, in the grand scheme of things She won't want cuddled whilst you are attached to a drip..she won't ask for trips to the loo, or sweeties... I'd rather have the 20yr old visitor actually

You say dh feels like you can "reject" her as she is family... so even he would see it as a rejection too How unfair. I think my heart would break into a million pieces if someone were to reject my child, regardless of their age.

Although beansprouts DSD is technically an adult, from what she has said about her she does seem to have some degee of arrested development. Our parents are the last people that we have an adult relationship, and some people never manage. My dad died when I was 18 and I didn't have an adult relationship with him, I think if I had been 20 we still would have had an adult-child relationship. She clearly has ishoos with her dads remarraige and may be feeling very insecure. Excluding her, or giving the impression that you are excluding her will damage the relationship further and give her a lifetime of ammunition.

Also, I imagine that you are allowed 2 visitors at a time, not 2 overall, she can come for a few min whilst one of the other visitors steps out.

My DSD came on the day of my c-section and the day we got home. We tried to include her by getting her to change DD's nappy and clean the cord (she has 3 children) plus lots of holding and photos.

It is hard for her - for 27 years she was my DH's only child and a girl too which IMO makes it harder.

I felt she veered between loving the new baby and being quite jealous and critical. On the times she babysat she always said critical things when we got home about the baby being 'fussy', 'moody' or unwell in some way.

But then at five months I went and got a part-time nanny instead of taking my DD to her house. For lots of very good reasons I would add. There is no way she would have done things the way I wanted, it would have become a power struggle.

So now she feels excluded again.

TBH I think a DSD will always feel a bit excluded/bumped if her Dad has another child, especially a girl, whatever you do. Which is not to say you shouldn't try. But nothnig is going to make things the way they were. I also think DH's want to try to make everyone play happy families and bury their heads in the sand ignoring any tensions.

To make it worse my DH used to call her 'my favourite daughter'. He can't say that any more.

Having a baby is a very special thing and something that the whole family (generally) gets excited about so to exclude one person is going to send the message that they are not important.

You say your dh feels you cant reject her so I would let her come but make sure that both she and your dh knows that any bad behaviour or bitchy comments will not be tolerated and if she makes any she is to leave, if they cant assure you that this will happen then decide what you want and stick to your guns, can you or your dh ring her and speak to her about it as everyone keeps saying she is not a child hopefully she has grown up since you had your ds? if necessary you could ask the midwife caring for you not to let her in.

its a very hard one with a lot of peoples feelings to consider, but at the end of the day you are the one having surgery and a new baby so I think everyone has to respect your feelings.

In my opinion YANBU. Its a big op and also it's your right to decide who comes to visit and who doesnt. You need to have those around you who are supportive and who have your best interests at heart. 24hrs isnt going to make any difference IMO. My ds didnt come to visit me when dd was born and that was my decision. Partly down to him being 2yrs old and partly coz i knew it would stress me out with him being there as he cant sit still for more than 2 secs

What does your dh think about it?

Having now read the entire thread I'm sorry that you seem to have been jumped on by some for what to me seems a perfectly reasonable question.

As a stepchild myself (i note that certain posters have very strong opinions and are neither a sc or sp nor have had a cs) i think it really does depend on your relationship your dsd. If you were very close then then i think she might be upset to have not been included, but if you are not close despite trying to be then i think it's fair enough to ask her to come the following day. IME stepchildren can be awful. My db was horrid to my step dad and no matter what my SD or mum did to try and bring the family together nothing worked until one day something clicked in my db's head and things slowly became rosy. on the otherhand my stepsister who is 41 is a total b*h to my mum and acts like a child 11yrs after they got married. No-one knows the situation or relationship between you better than yourself.

Some of the comments on this thread have really gotten to me. I think MN is great for the most part for the fantastic advise that many MN posters have to offer but there also seems to be a percentage that can be nasty and speak about things they have no experience of, these people can be really hurtful.

I wish you lots of luck with your cs and hope that your dsd respects your decision after all it is YOUR decision

Have you thought about excluding all visitors except dh, to give you and him a chance to bond with the new baby, and let the others meet the new addition once you get home? That way difficult sd is no more excluded than your other child and your parents. In fact, it gives your parents a chance to spend time alone with ds.

Just a thought. It's a difficult one this, because it seems whatever you do will annoy some one and give ammunition for years of seething resentment, even if only people who have posted on this thread!

Have to say I agree with everything AprilMeadow has said. MN can be a great place for advice but there are always a few who seem to make everything so personal, and ruin the experience by being too free with the things that they say.

I think that some people seem to be forgetting that a c-section is a major opperation! I've never had one, and even I can see that! I was induced with dd and had a natural birth, but I couldn't have handled anybody except my mum being there after the birth. I felt like s**t, everything hurt and I could barely walk.

I think every woman has the right to be completely selfish after having a baby. See who you want/don't want etc. Your dsd doesn't have children of her own I'm guessing and therefore cannot understand what you will go through and how you will feel. So she wont understand that the last thing most people want is a room full of people after having a baby.

You inviting your parents is necassary, they're coming to look after your ds whilst you and dh are at the hospital. By the sounds of things, the very thought of her being there is already stressing you out. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

I think with her being a step daughter she will always feel an element of exclussion. It's not anybodys fault, that's just the way things usually are. Being 20 years old I think she should stop focussing on her wants (wanting to see the baby the second it's been born!) and start thinking about yours. How you will feel after having marjor surgery, tired, getting to know your new addition etc.

IMO, you're not excluding her or being unreasonable, you're in feckin recovery and not wanting an audience. I don't understand why some people can't see that.

Tbh, I think it sounds like your dsd needs to grow up a little bit, and your dh needs to support you. If it was him going through all this in 3 weeks time, I bet he'd have some different thoughts on the situation.

It would seem that unless mums on mumsnet do exactly what everyone else wants, they are responsible for creating years of resentment, rejection, selfishness, family alienation.. . . . .

I reckon refer to the martyr thread and put yourself and what you want first, OP. DSD will be fine. If she's not, well, she needs to grow up a bit. She's twenty years old.

You wont feel as bad after an elective section as you did after the emergency.. You'll have missed labour!
You wont mind so many visitors, get it all over anf done with day one and then stay in hospital anf relax!

Beansprout, reading recent posts, I apologise if I have been unkind. I've acknowledged that I do not have any experience of having a stepmother, being a step child or having a section.

I should tell you I have a much loved godson who has a grim relationship with his stepfather. Said stepfather has IMO been viciously unkind to one of the loveliest boys you could ever hope to meet. It's been one of the biggest challenges of my life to remain polite and maintain normal relationships in this situation.

You aren't this stepfather, I have absolutely no knowledge of your family dynamic and I am sorry if I offended you.

IMO I think it should be up you.

On the practical side, will dsd expect to be picked up at the station? Given lunch? Driven to the hospital? By DH?

If so, she would be an unacceptable curb on his availablility to you and the babe in my opinion - after all, you may find yourself shoved to the back of the list if there are emergency CS patients and you will undoubtedly have to go into the recovery room(where only the dh is allowed, generally) for some hours. So the timings on the day may not be predictable at all and he will need to be flexible - he can't just rush away at a vital moment to pick her up.