To ask that dsd comes to visit the new baby the day after it is born rather than the day itself?

[beansprout]

Am going to be having an elective c-section in just under 3 weeks. My parents will come up to look after ds while I am in hospital and to enable dh to come and go/spend time with me and the baby without having to manage ds through that period. This already means there are 3/4 visitors at a hospital that restricts visits to 2/3.

I have asked dh if dsd can come along the day after rather than the day of the birth (she is 20 btw). She is not easy to be around and I found her being at the hospital last time (emergency c-section with me being quite ill afterwards) difficult. I want to have people around me who are supporting me rather than not (which is the case, there are a number of threads about her demands and behaviour).

Dh feels that we can't "reject" her as she is the baby's "immediate family". She would need to travel from uni in Sussex to London so it's not like she is down the road.

AIBU to ask that she comes to visit the next day rather than the day itself?

It may not be right to do it, but often times it is natural.

Hi i think when it comes to visitors it should be a case of "all or nothing", especially when it comes to the younger generation.

When DD was born (my first) i had a 27 hour labor and i was trying to establish BFing, i was exhausted, looked a mess, sore after having 24 stitches, and within an hour of me delivering, i had MIL, SIL, BIL and his girlfriend, then DPs mates came 2 hours later, then after they left his other brother came with his GF and their 2yr old and i found it totally horrific.

A lot of people are rather selfish and feel they want to "see the baby" rather than let the mother rest.

Sorry bit off topic there, but i think as mothers we need to put our foot down as to who visits us and when, HOWEVER, i think saying no to your DSD for a visit with the other kids is slightly harsh, like i said at the start, it should be all or nothing.

the difference in treatment surely, is that the five year old will want to see his MUM, and the 20 yr old stepdaughter clearly does not. Totally different needs.
If your ADULT child was likely to kick off and start insulting and abusing you while you were in hospital after an operation, you might well, I suspect, not want to see them on day one. Adults are different to children and of course do get treated differently. I think the term 'stepchild' is misleading in this case, it implies a child.
Anyway, I suspect the op will happen late, and nobody will visit on the first day except her dh, and the rest will come the next day, and the stroppy student will probably roll up when it suits her.

Sorry , I think that it would be very wrong to exclude SD.
I am SMum to two kids , when I had DD , my Skids were 20 & 18 and DH and I made sure that they were the very first to visit before anyone else, even my own dear parents.
Furthermore I went to great lengths to make sure that they understood that my having DD would not change my relationship with them in any way , repeated late night chats etc. They are included in everything that we do as a family and all three children are treated as equal , we even paid to fly SD out to join us in Spain for DD`s first birthday to underline to her how much we considered them sisters . (no-one ever uses the word step in our home). My will was made out to the older two, now adapted to fit all three and the kids know this - no one is treated differently.

All that said , I do understand how you can feel this way , there have been times when I have felt some pressure , particularly from SD , but TBH I have always tackled these things head on and sat down and asked politely for explanations of any "hassle".
Sadly I found that any grief has always been attributable to her feeling confused or uncertain as regards the stepfamily situation.
I always found that a good chat cleared the air and she was much happier, as I say it was always down to ignorance or needing reassurance.
It may be your SD is just feeling very at odds with her situation ???
Remember that her Dad having a baby with a woman other than her Mum , whilst not unique is probably something none of her friends have had to experience , TBH I am not sure how I would feel in her shoes..

To be fair both my older two have generally always been great , so maybe it has been a lot easier for me ............

Though as Mum I have had to make all the sacrifices but I knew that would be the case when I married DH.

Long term, I am sure things will be fine, most people I know in the same situation find things ease after the new arrival.

Good luck with your new baby ...

My personal view about this is YANBU about not wanting her there, but at the same time you risk damaging an already fragile relationship by saying she cant see you and babe on the day but parents can.

I would say there are two options, grin and bear it but make sure your dp knows you dont want her there for too long as you may be feeling rough or tell her its only you and dh and that she can see you after the day of the birth, but tell parents the same thing so she doesnt feel like shes being intentionally excluded and alienated.

hven't read the thread but imo Student Madwife is right. can't you just tell her 'late' into proceedings to that she has to travel up the next day? if that's unlikely to work then she's your baby's big sister and has a right to be there if anyone else is.

TBH I think you should not have any visitors other than your DH on the day your LO is born.I've had 4 CS, 2 elective, and felt like I had been hit by a truck after the anasthetic and europhia wore off and the morphine kicked in. You need rest and no stress and that means no visitors at all. However I think after that you should let your DSS visit. It would probably be easier anyway if she visits with your DH and DS - surely there will be less tension than if she arrives on her own and its just you and her.

I don't think there is any 'right' answer here.

The selfless thing would be to have her on the day.

The self-care thing would be to wait.

It is your call. I do agree that step-children should be included and treated equally - who could disagree with that - but I also know that in practice these situations can be very sensitive and not something you are upto on the day of a major operation. You have feelings here, too.

I was in in exactly this situation last year, my SD is 27, she made it very clear she was coming on the day. What I want has never counted anyway! Then she proceeded to act like she was the mother/baby expert... Very annoying. And I also felt very uncomfortable lying their all groggy and tubed-up etc...

I have had one emergency and one elective section. While I was not up to running a marathon I was up to having a short visit from my 3 year old.

If you exclude you sd you risk giving her the amunition to talk and moan about this for years.

Make sure that you dh/p insists that all of your visits on the first day are short.....30 minutes max. And that goes for all the vistors.

30 mins for your sd isn't so very much is it?, to say years of bad feeling?

Trust MB to come up with a good and practical compromise

Sorry, but bollocks to 'excluding' your grown up SD by saying she will have to wait 24 hrs to see you and her newborn sibling. After my c-section I saw my DH and my mum. I didn't want any visitors at all until I was at home, 4 days later. Surely the health, sanity and happiness of the new mother should be paramount?

You can 'include' your SD in other ways. Maybe she could take responsibility for ringing round and announcing the birth? Or getting the house/baby's room ready on the day you arrive home? I will say it again - she is an adult, not a small child. One day in the not too distant future she will be a mum herself, and perhaps (very likely!) she will not want YOU there on the day she gives birth!

"With respect" Quattrocento, you can't denounce how someone else might react to a given situation as "utter nonsense" because we are all different and react in different ways.

Good on you if "nothing" your DC's could ever say would lead you to excluding them but I am not you, and I would exclude any adult (whether they were my own children, stepchildren or anyone else for that matter) if they had already upset me unjustifiably and if the likelihood of them doing so again was high, and particularly if this was likely to occur when I had just been through a physically gruelling birth, and, their spite would ruin what would otherwise be an extremely special occasion (and one which is unique and can't be recaptured).

For the sake of family harmony, I would not exclude a (adult) stepchild from seeing their new sibling ... but the first meet would be when I felt emotionally strong enough to cope with any nastiness (and, in Beansprout's case, her worries about this are justified by what has happened before). As a new mum, I would want my very first hours with my new child to feel relaxed and not to be tainted by the spite of someone who is old enough to know better.

To be frank, if a 20 year old gets "offended" by being "excluded" (when, in actual fact, they are being asked to wait a matter of hours) then they are being a complete drama-queen. This adult woman knows full well what she has said to Beansprout in the past and only has herself to blame if this is coming back to bite her in the bum. Perhaps a short sharp shock (for all of half a day or whatever) might prompt her into finding some manners ..... why shouldn't an adult be accountable for their behaviour after all ?

This thread isn't about "being nasty to stepchildren" (when the "child" in question is an adult anyway). It's about the poster's right to avoid exposing herself to spite at a time when she feels extremely vulnerable.

YANBU at all!!!!!!!!!!! Only read the OP and a couple of replies but this is your time - she is 20 not 2 FFS!

If I was in your position I would want omly my parents to visit and everyone else (including my DS) could wait until the following day when I felt more with it.

My Dsis had a c-sec with twins and was REALLY poorly afterwards so we waited two days before visiting.

Beansprout - god luck with impending birth. htis is a VLong thread many points of view. imo it is up to you, after all you are undergoing major abdominal surgery. you are balancing a lot of complex demands too. could you phone stepdaughter before birth and explain your preferences.

hope all goes well

Allowing one of the baby's siblings and banning the other is not right. Neither or both. That's your husband's daughter you are on about excluding, and he loves her as much as he loves the child about to be born.

I can see you don't want her there, so whip her in, leave her entirely in your dh's hands, and whip her out again. Take that opportunity to shower, if I were you.

good luck whatever you decide beansprout

I suppose it depends whether or not you think (or feel) that your obligations to your children end when they become adult.

My experience is that very few people would exclude their own children. You of course may be the exception to the general rule and feel it is okay to exclude close family members if they have previously offended you in some way.

My objection is to the double standard. Own children okay. Stepchildren not okay.

And since when did ones own wants take precedence over basic fairness and decency? Not in my world.

Assuming that your DS will be coming the day of the birth then I think YABU.

Well, it's up to you, but I think you're being exclusive.

As a stepchild, I would be really pissed off if I were told that only a few close family members were allowed to visit my new half-sibling and I wasn't included.

That said, I've never had a C-section so I've no idea what the recovery would be like. I think you're going to have to choose between seeing no-one or seeing them all after you have your baby. Otherwise you're really going to hurt people's feelings.

As an (adult) stepchild, I can't see the problem with what your proposing - its not like you are suggesting she waits weeks. But I'd want to be one of the first people told that the baby had arrived.

I would think differently if she were younger, though.

But then I think a parent's responsibilities to 'child' and 'adult' children (step or otherwise) are totally different.

I think it's a bit unfair to exclude her, tbh. I had a c section, though, and know how grotty it can be afterwards and how you feel out of control over who comes to see you and how they behave.

Howzabout saying you only want your DH there on the day itself? Then no one can be offended, and you get what you need- support, and support only. (sorry if I'm repeating someone else's idea, I don't have time to read the whole thread)

I think YABU. I can't but see that making your dsd feel different/ alienated is going to improve her behaviour within your family. I have had three stepmothers (!) over time, and have had therefore differing experiences on being included and excluded. Being excluded is bloody painful

Best maybe for no-one to visit on the first day.

I agree with catsmother. She is a woman, not a child, and you cannot recapture those first hours. If she was a child I would say YABU but she is old enough to be a mother herself . Do what you feel comfortable with and don't let anybody spoil such a special day for you. Good luck

I am not sure whether it is a good thing to marry someone when they already have children if you don't propose to be kind and inclusive to their existing children.

But she isn't a child. A daughter, yes, but not a child.