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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue correcting DD?

106 replies

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 10:14

Will try and avoid drip feeding, but also keep this to the salient points so fingers crossed I give the right/enough info.

Exh is in a new relationship (well, 2.5ish years, but newer than ours as it were), has got engaged to his girlfriend, she is still married to her exh as he won't agree a divorce.

Exh's fiance has two children and my DD gets on well with them, esp her DD.

Here's the AIBU - DD has been referring to this girl as her step sister. When I gently pointed out that daddy and X aren't married yet, so she will be your step sister, but isn't yet, DD got huffy and said that daddy, X and X's daughter all said they were stepsisters. I repeated that they're future stepsisters, but that X needs to get divorced and married to daddy before they're actually stepsisters.

Other potentially relevant facts:
DD is 6 and can be very dogged about things she thinks are true. DS, who's older, has ADHD and ASD traits and gets very literal about things, so I don't want to set DD up for spouting facts contrary to the truth as DS will argue and neither of them will it go.

However I am also just pissed off that exh and his new family are, essentially lying to my daughter, so I admit I am not 100% sure ianbu because I admit that there are emotions in this.

YABU - let them say stepsister. It'll happen one day and why not let them use the term now?

YANBU - stick to the facts and keep correcting her gently by saying future stepsister - you can't even be sure they'll get married until it happens.

OP posts:
araiwa · 10/03/2022 10:15

I'd just let her get on with it

It's not harming anyone

SarahAndQuack · 10/03/2022 10:16

I think you're splitting hairs TBH.

I would have a conversation with DD about the possibility that it won't all work out, because it's a concern that she might get upset.

But I wouldn't fixate on terminology.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/03/2022 10:16

This is not the hill to die on.

Really does it matter?

Gobrookeyourself · 10/03/2022 10:17

I would say let her use it. They’re engaged; if they were just dating I might be more inclined to correct your DD but as they’re engaged I’d leave it.

QforCucumber · 10/03/2022 10:17

Why does it matter?
If they didn't get married, but were together for the next 30 years, would you still tell her to not say stepsister? Christ, I'd have no issue with her dropping the 'step' and just saying sister.

Namechangehereandnow · 10/03/2022 10:17

YABU - get over it, let everyone move on. You sound jealous.

AlisonDonut · 10/03/2022 10:18

What do you expect her to call her?

Elsiebear90 · 10/03/2022 10:19

I don’t see the issue will letting them refer to themselves as step sisters just because their mum and dad are not married yet, they’re small kids, they don’t really understand or care for technicalities, it’s nice that they get on and she sees this girl as her sister. I think you’re creating an issue where there isn’t one.

Plumbear2 · 10/03/2022 10:19

I considered my stepsister as my stepsister before our parents married. I was also 6 infact I referred to her as my actual sister as that's what it felt like to me. Please don't deny how our child feels in her relationship.

Beees · 10/03/2022 10:20

@QforCucumber

Why does it matter? If they didn't get married, but were together for the next 30 years, would you still tell her to not say stepsister? Christ, I'd have no issue with her dropping the 'step' and just saying sister.
Agree completely with this. Your child sees this little girl as her sister, she is comfortable using that label to describe their relationship and you shouldn't be trying to discourage this. To be honest doing so makes you look very petty and childish.
TheChild · 10/03/2022 10:20

My dad and his partner have been together for years, not married and as far as I know no plans to do so. I still refer to her children and my stepbrothers and stepsister. It's just a whole lot easier than saying "my dad's partner's children"

I would just leave it and be thankful that she seems to have a good relationship with her future stepmum and her children.

FlippyFloppyFlappy · 10/03/2022 10:21

2.5 years? Come on now, 6 weeks I may have agreed, but not that long 🤷🏼‍♀️

hashbrownsandwich · 10/03/2022 10:21

I had a similar situation when my ExH and OW got engaged. They kept pushing my DC to refer to OW kids as brothers and sisters. My children didn't and still don't feel comfortable with it, their dad really tries to force it. My DC really don't like their step siblings for reasons I won't go into.
We've learnt to just let exH play his scenario out in his time and the DC just eye roll when ExH pushes it.

Factually you are correct but it's not worth the battle.

vampirewellness · 10/03/2022 10:21

I'd let this one go.

showmethegin · 10/03/2022 10:22

Everytime she talks about this girl she's supposed to refer to her as her daddy's girlfriends daughter? When they engaged to be married? That's so petty, why does it matter?

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 10:22

Thank you. I did wonder if I needed a head wobble. I'm very protective of the kids and am definitely struggling with the fact that exh couldn't live with our children (one of the many excuses he gave as he left), but is apparently fine to live with someone else's. I just want to do the best for them though, so will leave it alone now and let DD set the tone.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/03/2022 10:23

So she has been in your daughters life for nearly half her life. I would think of it as lovely that she sees her like a step sister. A piece of paper won’t change their relationship

RocketAndAFuckingMelon · 10/03/2022 10:23

It's the nearest term available to her. I'd let her use it. There isn't a word for "engaged to be stepsisters" and the step- prefix is one easily understandable to 6yos from Disney / fairy tales.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 10:24

@showmethegin

Everytime she talks about this girl she's supposed to refer to her as her daddy's girlfriends daughter? When they engaged to be married? That's so petty, why does it matter?
Well she could just use her name. I know what it is and we don't even know any others. But I've listened to the comments above and will leave it be now.
OP posts:
StrawberrySquash · 10/03/2022 10:24

It sounds like it's a serious relationship and the girls have also got a relationship that needs a label. Stepsister seems a sensible one; they are stepsisters in spirit, if not in law.

RocketAndAFuckingMelon · 10/03/2022 10:25

@Nosnogginginthekitchen

Thank you. I did wonder if I needed a head wobble. I'm very protective of the kids and am definitely struggling with the fact that exh couldn't live with our children (one of the many excuses he gave as he left), but is apparently fine to live with someone else's. I just want to do the best for them though, so will leave it alone now and let DD set the tone. Thank you.
I'm not surprised you're struggling with that. What an arsehole. Flowers
CandleWick4 · 10/03/2022 10:25

Why does it matter? My Brother is engaged to someone who has children from a previous relationship. They’ve been together years and even though they aren’t married yet she is called Auntie and her children are my childrens cousins. They are family, just because the legal part hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean we don’t see them as family. You’re pushing your anger/jealously/insecurities or whatever it is onto your daughter who obviously sees this little girl as her sister. Let her be.

CandleWick4 · 10/03/2022 10:26

Apologies OP I didn’t see your update when I posted

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 10:28

@Sirzy

So she has been in your daughters life for nearly half her life. I would think of it as lovely that she sees her like a step sister. A piece of paper won’t change their relationship
Agreed. I am glad the girls get along. DD had actually invited her to her bday party at my house, with my encouragement. It was not the relationship I objected to, just the wording, but I take your point.

Tbf both the kids are struggling with what to call my partner and keep asking when we're getting married - I suspect half the reason for that is because they like and want nice clear labels on everyone and everything. We're all a bit ND in this house!

OP posts:
Tlollj · 10/03/2022 10:29

I know how you feel. But I’d let it go.
Flowers

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