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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue correcting DD?

106 replies

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 10:14

Will try and avoid drip feeding, but also keep this to the salient points so fingers crossed I give the right/enough info.

Exh is in a new relationship (well, 2.5ish years, but newer than ours as it were), has got engaged to his girlfriend, she is still married to her exh as he won't agree a divorce.

Exh's fiance has two children and my DD gets on well with them, esp her DD.

Here's the AIBU - DD has been referring to this girl as her step sister. When I gently pointed out that daddy and X aren't married yet, so she will be your step sister, but isn't yet, DD got huffy and said that daddy, X and X's daughter all said they were stepsisters. I repeated that they're future stepsisters, but that X needs to get divorced and married to daddy before they're actually stepsisters.

Other potentially relevant facts:
DD is 6 and can be very dogged about things she thinks are true. DS, who's older, has ADHD and ASD traits and gets very literal about things, so I don't want to set DD up for spouting facts contrary to the truth as DS will argue and neither of them will it go.

However I am also just pissed off that exh and his new family are, essentially lying to my daughter, so I admit I am not 100% sure ianbu because I admit that there are emotions in this.

YABU - let them say stepsister. It'll happen one day and why not let them use the term now?

YANBU - stick to the facts and keep correcting her gently by saying future stepsister - you can't even be sure they'll get married until it happens.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 11:30

I think it’s really important for children to have sense of permanence and belonging, and knowing where they stand. Calling this girl her Ss is going to help with this.

I wouldn’t tell my kids not to call exh’s partner their step mum just because they aren’t legally married - it makes them feel secure to say that. Likewise I’d never call their little brother a “half-brother”.

incognitoforthisone · 10/03/2022 11:31

DD is 6 and can be very dogged about things she thinks are true.

Do you think she gets that from you? Because to me, you seem very dogged about something that's purely semantics. Saying 'She's not your stepsister' because DD's dad and his partner aren't married seems very old-fashioned to me.

Lots of couples never get married - there will be plenty of kids who have lived in the same house for 15 years and have never known anything else but the other child being around; it would be weird if they felt obliged to describe them as 'Dad's partner's sister' instead of 'my stepsister'.

It doesn't really matter whether your ex and his new DP are married or not, and I think it's nice that they're making your DD feel like part of a family unit. I completely understand why you might feel a bit resentful of that, but it's perfectly OK and healthy for DD that she has a secure family unit with you and your DS, and also one with her dad, his new partner and her 'stepsister'.

I think it's pretty clear from your post how you feel about your ex living with someone else and how you feel about his new partner and that, rather than the dictionary definition of 'stepsister', is very obviously at the root of your annoyance over this. I completely understand why you'd feel resentful and insecure about your kids being part of more than one family, but I think you need to set that aside for the sake of your kids because ultimately it's in their interests not be worrying about this.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/03/2022 11:34

I can see where you are coming from Op. I dislike factual inaccuracy. There’s no such thing as technically still married - your ex is living with a married woman and can’t actually be engaged to her. I dislike when newspapers report a child has been killed by their stepfather 99% of time it’s mum’s boyfriend not their stepfather. But it is accepted shorthand hand now like men call their girlfriend their missus when not married or partners refer to their ‘in laws’. It’s important your dc has a good relationship with them and shorthand of stepsister seems best fit. If she was older or asked directly I don’t think you are wrong to clarify but day you day for all intents and purposes she is her step sister.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 11:35

@incognitoforthisone

DD is 6 and can be very dogged about things she thinks are true.

Do you think she gets that from you? Because to me, you seem very dogged about something that's purely semantics. Saying 'She's not your stepsister' because DD's dad and his partner aren't married seems very old-fashioned to me.

Lots of couples never get married - there will be plenty of kids who have lived in the same house for 15 years and have never known anything else but the other child being around; it would be weird if they felt obliged to describe them as 'Dad's partner's sister' instead of 'my stepsister'.

It doesn't really matter whether your ex and his new DP are married or not, and I think it's nice that they're making your DD feel like part of a family unit. I completely understand why you might feel a bit resentful of that, but it's perfectly OK and healthy for DD that she has a secure family unit with you and your DS, and also one with her dad, his new partner and her 'stepsister'.

I think it's pretty clear from your post how you feel about your ex living with someone else and how you feel about his new partner and that, rather than the dictionary definition of 'stepsister', is very obviously at the root of your annoyance over this. I completely understand why you'd feel resentful and insecure about your kids being part of more than one family, but I think you need to set that aside for the sake of your kids because ultimately it's in their interests not be worrying about this.

If anything I think it's a trait she's inherited from her dad who can be a bit rigid about things he believes. Thank you for your thoughts.
OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 10/03/2022 11:36

My mother and step-father never actually got married. But seeing as they lived together from when I was 5 until my late teens and had two dc together, the piece of paper seems immaterial. 35 years on, I still consider him my step father, as that is the role he has played in my life.

ArnoldBee · 10/03/2022 11:39

Yes its not technically correct and might grate but you don't necessarily want a 6 year old getting out a PowerPoint presentation and pointer everytime she explains their relationship.

I've connected with a group of people I refer to as my cousins. They are my 5th cousins so many times removed but I just call them my cousins.

Wulfenite · 10/03/2022 11:40

She's trying to define the relationship for herself and this is how she sees it. I don't think you were wrong to tell her the real state of affairs but I wouldn't keep doing it as you're putting yourself on the opposite side to her over quite a small thing. I appreciate it's probably annoying for you though as they are glossing over reality a bit there, but I wouldn't want to be the one to get my daughter's back up over it.

Ohyesiam · 10/03/2022 11:40

What a strange battle to fight. How could it ever be a problem?

Kadge3042 · 10/03/2022 11:48

So if your ex stays with this woman, she divorces, they marry. What will change? I see no problem in using the term stepsister in this situation. What is your Dd meant to call them? 'Dadddys girlfriends kids' is a mouthful, stepsisters is easier.

I'm not married to Dp. He is considered stepdad to my DS despite not being married.

YABU

DasAlteLeid · 10/03/2022 11:53

I feel for you @Nosnogginginthekitchen. Your ex sounds like a capricious arsehole and you’re doubtless better off without him. Well done for putting your own feelings second and DC first. I hope you and your DC manage to navigate the situation your ex has created with minimal upheaval, and in years to come you’ll welcome the close bond DD has formed with her future step sister ❤️

Nillynally · 10/03/2022 11:54

What does it matter? Don't be that mum.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 11:55

@Kadge3042

So if your ex stays with this woman, she divorces, they marry. What will change? I see no problem in using the term stepsister in this situation. What is your Dd meant to call them? 'Dadddys girlfriends kids' is a mouthful, stepsisters is easier.

I'm not married to Dp. He is considered stepdad to my DS despite not being married.

YABU

I think it's that 'if' that's the problem for me. They haven't actually lived together yet and that's always the biggest adjustment, isn't it? However not using certain nouns isn't going to change how DD feels about the people involved, so I will remove my flag from this hill and try to think of other ways to safeguard her feelings if things don't go smoothly over the next couple of months.
OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 10/03/2022 12:01

If your dd is happy with her being her step sister why does it matter to you

CafeCremeMerci · 10/03/2022 12:02

@Nosnogginginthekitchen

There's no need to apologise to her, that'll just make a bigger issue if it. Just stop 'correcting' her.

I can totally see why it pusses you off given he couldn't live with his own kids etc! But being pedantic with DD will only hurt her, not him.

At home when she says my step-sister, just say 'Katie' (don't ask 'do you mean 'Katie', literally just say her name in the way you do when they talk about siblings in the same way. They say 'baby' you say Thomas)

Hope I've explained what I mean.

Could you look at her spending more time with her Dad if she's still really missing him? Can he be encouraged to spend more time alone with her acknowledging she's his DD & 'katie' isn't taking her place.& encouraged not to say things like 'my girls' 'my daughters' in front of DD.

PoshPyjamas · 10/03/2022 12:02

All th people saying things like What a strange battle to fight. How could it ever be a problem Errr... someone’s had an empathy’s bypass today, haven’t they! My worry would be that as this woman is married to someone else the relationship is less likely to be permanent than otherwise. Then the DD is more likely to be upset if she loses a ‘sister’ than if she lost daddy’s girlfriends daughter. However I agree that it’s best not to make a big deal of it OP.

SummerHouse · 10/03/2022 12:07

You sound lovely op. And your heart was in the right place. Anyone who bothers to read your updates would, I suspect, be more sympathetic. Flowers

ChocolateMassacre · 10/03/2022 12:07

YABU. It's nice if she gets a "sibling" relationship with another girl close in age. Let the girls decide themselves what they want to be to each other.

It's lovely that they get along so well. It's going to make playing "happy families" (to the extent that you are forced to do so) so much easier if the girls are happy in each other's company. They've been in each other's lives for some time as well so I think you're doing the right thing to promote the friendship away from your DH's house by inviting her to the party... that makes its continuation less dependent on your DH's relationship working out, which may or may not happen.

Lovemusic33 · 10/03/2022 12:39

I don’t see the issue, I called my step kids “step kids” before we got married (whilst engaged), it doesn’t really matter does it?

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 12:43

[quote CafeCremeMerci]@Nosnogginginthekitchen

There's no need to apologise to her, that'll just make a bigger issue if it. Just stop 'correcting' her.

I can totally see why it pusses you off given he couldn't live with his own kids etc! But being pedantic with DD will only hurt her, not him.

At home when she says my step-sister, just say 'Katie' (don't ask 'do you mean 'Katie', literally just say her name in the way you do when they talk about siblings in the same way. They say 'baby' you say Thomas)

Hope I've explained what I mean.

Could you look at her spending more time with her Dad if she's still really missing him? Can he be encouraged to spend more time alone with her acknowledging she's his DD & 'katie' isn't taking her place.& encouraged not to say things like 'my girls' 'my daughters' in front of DD.[/quote]
She sees him as much as he has time for. I promote their relationship and give him as much access as he wants, as long as it doesn't disrupt DC's lives. Not that this has been an issue.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 10/03/2022 12:44

OP you sound such a lovely mum, sorry your ex is such an arse. I'm glad you're going to back away from this issue, save your energy for who knows what that may come along.
Meanwhile, you say your DC don't know what to call your partner. Have you had a family powwow to come up with possibilities that everyone is happy with? Maybe over a pizza or something. Just write every suggestion down, even silly or funny ones, and hopefully something will bubble to the top.

Landedonfeet · 10/03/2022 12:45

* If anything I think it's a trait she's inherited from her dad who can be a bit rigid about things he believes*

Or, you know, she’s a very young child and this kind of detail is neither here nor there to her

SolasAnla · 10/03/2022 12:47

Be thankful that the children get on. They appear to have establish a relationship between themselves without the baggage of your ex's choices and actions.
Children who are non resident in blended family's risk being labled interlopers for taking up time and attention from resident children.
Be happy that both see themselves as having an equal relationship to your ex and his partner.

Georgeskitchen · 10/03/2022 12:48

YANBU. They are obviously in a committed relationship. Rather than whinge about it why not celebrate the fact that the girls get on so well? There's many a step sibling relationship that is based on hatred!!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/03/2022 12:48

@PoshPyjamas

All th people saying things like What a strange battle to fight. How could it ever be a problem Errr... someone’s had an empathy’s bypass today, haven’t they! My worry would be that as this woman is married to someone else the relationship is less likely to be permanent than otherwise. Then the DD is more likely to be upset if she loses a ‘sister’ than if she lost daddy’s girlfriends daughter. However I agree that it’s best not to make a big deal of it OP.
. If the relationship breaks down op dd will be just as upset regardless if she loses a sister or daddy's girlfriends daughter. Or are you one of the people that refuse to see young children build meaningful relationships?

If it breaks up all it means is the child's feelings are minimised a regardless of the finer details this child feels like a sister, which is more than some blood relatives experience.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/03/2022 12:50

If anything I think it's a trait she's inherited from her dad who can be a bit rigid about things he believes.

Pot kettle