To continue correcting DD?

[Nosnogginginthekitchen]

Will try and avoid drip feeding, but also keep this to the salient points so fingers crossed I give the right/enough info.

Exh is in a new relationship (well, 2.5ish years, but newer than ours as it were), has got engaged to his girlfriend, she is still married to her exh as he won't agree a divorce.

Exh's fiance has two children and my DD gets on well with them, esp her DD.

Here's the AIBU - DD has been referring to this girl as her step sister. When I gently pointed out that daddy and X aren't married yet, so she will be your step sister, but isn't yet, DD got huffy and said that daddy, X and X's daughter all said they were stepsisters. I repeated that they're future stepsisters, but that X needs to get divorced and married to daddy before they're actually stepsisters.

Other potentially relevant facts:
DD is 6 and can be very dogged about things she thinks are true. DS, who's older, has ADHD and ASD traits and gets very literal about things, so I don't want to set DD up for spouting facts contrary to the truth as DS will argue and neither of them will it go.

However I am also just pissed off that exh and his new family are, essentially lying to my daughter, so I admit I am not 100% sure ianbu because I admit that there are emotions in this.

YABU - let them say stepsister. It'll happen one day and why not let them use the term now?

YANBU - stick to the facts and keep correcting her gently by saying future stepsister - you can't even be sure they'll get married until it happens.

If she is regularly saying “my step sister” I wonder if that is her way of trying to rationalise the changes in her head.

Your sound petty and jealous.

In fact very jealous of all the relationships your ex has around him now.

YABU and quite cruel actually in my opinion, having grown up in a blended family.

I have a half brother, although I have always referred to him as just my brother as the distinction seems irrelevant unless actual genetics are being discussed.

I also have a stepsister. Our parents aren't married as my mum and dad still are, but they have been together for around 10 years. I don't even like her but still call her my stepsister as thats frankly the simplest way of describing our relationship. As opposed to "my dads fiancees daughter" or "the girl who would be my stepsister if my dad divorced my mum and married his fiancee - but he hasn't yet".

Lots of people have 'aunties' 'uncles' and 'cousins' who are actually non-related close family friends. It is simply a means of describing the relationship dynamic between two people. Why are you so set on diminishing what sounds like a healthy relationship between your 6 year old and her stepsister when the only purpose it serves is to hurt her feelings?

It reads like you just have a problem with your ex and his "new family" and are taking that out on two children.

It must be very hard I feel for you

From your daughter's point of view how exciting to have a ready made sister to play with!

I think you were right to point out once that it isn't technically the right term (yet) but anything more than that sounds a bit petty. He sounds like an arse but I'd just be so happy that my daughter is comfortable with a new partner and her kids.

This only makes you look bad I'm afraid.

Only on MN do people get so wound up about marriage = step relations. They are engaged, they are to all intents and purposes a married couple, so ex's fiance is your DD's step mum and her children are her step siblings. Don't get wound up about labels. If everyone is being treated properly let it go it doesn't matter.

Why does this stuff come up time and time again on here.

Oh come on. The OP asked for opinions, we’ve given them to her and she’s accepted them graciously and admitted her views might have been skewed. No need to call her petty or jealous, it’s not an easy situation to be in.

I'd let this one go. It's better than she refers to her as her step-sister than not, all things considered.

I still refer to my now ex ILs as FIL, MIL and SIL. I have absolutely nothing to do with my ex, but am very close to my ILs. It's harming no one and "hello, I'm Jim's ex daughter in law" sounds daft!

You sound like the ex wife of a friend who insists that her kids don’t refer to their step sister as half sister, singling her out from all the others as she’s the only one who isn’t a half sibling. It’s just semantics.

YABU this sounds really petty in the kindest possible way OP.

@Gobrookeyourself

Oh come on. The OP asked for opinions, we’ve given them to her and she’s accepted them graciously and admitted her views might have been skewed. No need to call her petty or jealous, it’s not an easy situation to be in.

Well said. Sorry you're finding it tough OP (no snark).

It sucks, but the fact they want to refer to each other a step sisters is a good thing. Whether the parents are married or not will not make any difference to how they view that family unit.
But will be hard with him saying he didn’t want to live with kids.

YABU. She has enough to get her head around without worrying about the legal definition of step sister. She’s trying to make sense of her world that includes a blended family.

I get it might be hard for you but, speaking as someone who was once in your daughter’s shoes, minimising her new relationships is likely to make it harder for her to adapt.

@VainAbigail

Your sound petty and jealous.

In fact very jealous of all the relationships your ex has around him now.

Why don't you read the thread before sniping at the OP. She's accepted she's wrong so there's no need for the nasty comments

If your DD wants to call her a stepsister then leave her to it. It’s 2022 so I’d say it’s fairly common to be referred to as a step-parent/sibling before marriage and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this.

Ever since he left I've had to do a lot of biting my tongue to protect the kids and maintain a civil coparenting relationship. I'll just add this to the list and keep hoping he'll try and do the same occasionally. Which would be nice.
Thanks all. Not sure what I'm being accused of being jealous of, but I freely admit I was possibly being a little petty and will stop.

I think it does matter. She is the daughter of your ex's girlfriend and in no way a step-sister. The girlfriend isn't even divorced yet. Mad.

@Just10moreminutesplease

YABU. She has enough to get her head around without worrying about the legal definition of step sister. She’s trying to make sense of her world that includes a blended family.

I get it might be hard for you but, speaking as someone who was once in your daughter’s shoes, minimising her new relationships is likely to make it harder for her to adapt.

Thank you. This is really helpful and has made me cry a little bit. She's had the hardest time of all of us adjusting to the new situation and it breaks my heart a little bit every time she cries for daddy or wishes he still lived here. I will keep this perspective in mind and apologise to her for correcting her when she's home from school. x

Aww OP you sound like a lovely mum ❤️
Just ignore the inevitable comments from posters who never bother reading the full thread 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Gobrookeyourself

Oh come on. The OP asked for opinions, we’ve given them to her and she’s accepted them graciously and admitted her views might have been skewed. No need to call her petty or jealous, it’s not an easy situation to be in.

Exactly. I see this happening more and more on MN. It doesn't seem to be enough for some to give their view without making some unpleasant remarks to go along with it.

I wouldn’t worry about it at all. I sometimes refer to my parent’s partner who is sadly no longer with us as my SM (or late SM) for ease, and because it was that type of relationship.

My DH's father has never married his partner, who he has been with for nearly 25 years. He didn't grow up with her children at all but they still refer to each other as step sisters/step brothers. It's just a technical title. I don't think marriage really has anything to do with it. My DB doesn't plan to ever marry his partner, I still call her my SIL because she's as much part of the family as she would be if they married, just without the legal bit. I'd say you don't need to split hairs and just help your DC with prclocessing these new relationships.

You're being completely ridiculous.

You should be doing everything you can to help your daughter feel that she is a part of that family, the family her dad will be living with. She should feel completely part of that and you shouldn't be trying to drive a wedge by not picking with bloody terminology.

She has step siblings. She likes them. She feels part of the family her dad has formed. That is how it should be. Stop messing with it.

I couldn't care about this. Lots of people never marry these days but are just as established a family unit/couple as if they were.

I think it's fine for her to say step sister. I call my DP's children my SCs even though we aren't married, just for sake of ease. It's the easiest way to denote our relationship quickly.