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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue correcting DD?

106 replies

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 10:14

Will try and avoid drip feeding, but also keep this to the salient points so fingers crossed I give the right/enough info.

Exh is in a new relationship (well, 2.5ish years, but newer than ours as it were), has got engaged to his girlfriend, she is still married to her exh as he won't agree a divorce.

Exh's fiance has two children and my DD gets on well with them, esp her DD.

Here's the AIBU - DD has been referring to this girl as her step sister. When I gently pointed out that daddy and X aren't married yet, so she will be your step sister, but isn't yet, DD got huffy and said that daddy, X and X's daughter all said they were stepsisters. I repeated that they're future stepsisters, but that X needs to get divorced and married to daddy before they're actually stepsisters.

Other potentially relevant facts:
DD is 6 and can be very dogged about things she thinks are true. DS, who's older, has ADHD and ASD traits and gets very literal about things, so I don't want to set DD up for spouting facts contrary to the truth as DS will argue and neither of them will it go.

However I am also just pissed off that exh and his new family are, essentially lying to my daughter, so I admit I am not 100% sure ianbu because I admit that there are emotions in this.

YABU - let them say stepsister. It'll happen one day and why not let them use the term now?

YANBU - stick to the facts and keep correcting her gently by saying future stepsister - you can't even be sure they'll get married until it happens.

OP posts:
NinjaQueen · 10/03/2022 12:56

My kids still refer to my Ex's daughter as their sister, we see her more than he does to be fair.

It doesn't matter that it's not her legal definition, they were part of a blended family for years and that's the relationship they identify between them. Doesn't really matter does it!

mam0918 · 10/03/2022 13:09

It's not your relationship to define it's your daughter's and this makes you sound bitter and not 'over it' + your daughter will feel you are using her as a weapon for your feelings.

I have a stepdad, he was not married to my mother for the first 30 years of my life but damn sure he was my 'dad' during 25 years of that time, he was the male figure in my life.

It seems honestly ridiculous anyone would think to say otherwise over a piece of paper that means nothing. In reality, it's the relationship formed that matters, not blood or paper.

Liveandkicking · 10/03/2022 13:20

It’s her dad’s partner’s child. That’s what most people mean by step siblings. If they didn’t have a relationship as kids or the relationship between her dad and new person was casual then your point might stand but they do. Why do you think it’s about the parents being married? I’ve never heard of that concept before.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 13:24

They are to all intents and purposes step-sisters

Is nice they think of themselves like this.

Gently - don't be a dick.

HaggisBurger · 10/03/2022 13:27

@Nosnogginginthekitchen

Thank you. I did wonder if I needed a head wobble. I'm very protective of the kids and am definitely struggling with the fact that exh couldn't live with our children (one of the many excuses he gave as he left), but is apparently fine to live with someone else's. I just want to do the best for them though, so will leave it alone now and let DD set the tone. Thank you.
Wishing you well OP.
Arewethebadguys · 10/03/2022 13:28

Unbelievable. Upsetting your daughter so you can make a point. Let her be

mnetting · 10/03/2022 13:34

If you meet someone and the shoes on the other foot are you going to correct her if she uses the term "step" if he doesn't want to get married?

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 13:39

@mnetting

If you meet someone and the shoes on the other foot are you going to correct her if she uses the term "step" if he doesn't want to get married?
I have. They don't call him their step dad because he's not and they've never heard us use the term so there's no expectation of it. He's mummy's boyfriend or 'name' or a silly nickname they gave him
OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 10/03/2022 13:41

Petty op. Very petty.

Frlrlrubert · 10/03/2022 13:48

I started calling (step)FIL my FIL before I married DH, because 'my partner's mother's husband' is a bit long and specific, and 'my partner's stepdad' doesn't feel right since he didn't actually raise DH, and they have a much more adult to adult relationship than that.

As for why it was necessary to even define the relationship; I'd occasionally walk PILs dogs, people would recognise the dogs, know they belonged to FIL, see I was female, join the dots and go 'oh, you must be Dave's partner', and I have to do them 'oh no, I'm his wife's son's girlfriend' thing.

Landedonfeet · 10/03/2022 13:50

Op

Really
Just let this go

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 13:53

@Landedonfeet

Op

Really
Just let this go

Argh. This is the most annoying response on the thread. Now I have bloody Elsa stuck in my head! Grin
OP posts:
Realitydawning98 · 10/03/2022 15:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Landedonfeet · 10/03/2022 15:43

Well sing the song at your daughter rather than correct her on this please!

titchy · 10/03/2022 15:48

If anything I think it's a trait she's inherited from her dad who can be a bit rigid about things he believes.

You sound quite rigid in your thinking too, insisting she can't be a step-sib because they're not married, rather than considering their relationship as a whole.

tillytoodles1 · 10/03/2022 15:52

My son has lived with his fiancee for eight years, and his daughter from his previous marriage refers to her and her kids as her stepmother and stepsister.

WellNotReally · 10/03/2022 16:14

Why do people keep putting the boot in when the OP has already accepted in her second post that she was in the wrong?

laudete · 10/03/2022 16:40

You are right to consider your son as well as your daughter. As he is the elder child, can you simply explain that she is using the term as an honorific or endearment rather than as a factual statement? Present it as a social convention rather than a legal fact. Unless there are any other factors, other than ASD and ADHD, I think his additional age should allow him to reasonably accept it purely as a "custom" and avoid sibling conflict. Also, unless he lives in a Harry Potter cupboard, he must be aware that other children do not always share his understanding of the world around him. We all think a little bit differently.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/03/2022 16:41

@laudete

You are right to consider your son as well as your daughter. As he is the elder child, can you simply explain that she is using the term as an honorific or endearment rather than as a factual statement? Present it as a social convention rather than a legal fact. Unless there are any other factors, other than ASD and ADHD, I think his additional age should allow him to reasonably accept it purely as a "custom" and avoid sibling conflict. Also, unless he lives in a Harry Potter cupboard, he must be aware that other children do not always share his understanding of the world around him. We all think a little bit differently.
This is a really helpful suggestion, thank you
OP posts:
Calandor · 10/03/2022 17:42

You're being a dick. I called my step brothers my brothers before my dad married their mum. What's it matter to you? They're engaged and she has the right to refer to them as family members if that's how she feels about them.

I just call them my brothers now (it's been 13 years) and my mum still always says 'step' every time I do it. Exhausting and annoying.

Calandor · 10/03/2022 17:46

Sorry I've seen you accepted it graciously. You're no longer being a dick.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 11/03/2022 10:43

I'm really struggling today. I didn't want to start a new thread. I just feel exhausted by life and having to deal with all these complicated family logistics. I never imagined having to deal with divorce and step-families - who does, right? I wanted to be wanted by my husband, I wanted our children to be wanted. He's made a point of telling me recently how much debt he's in, how having to get all new furniture cost him so much etc etc

I let him have all the furniture I could, but I was unemployed with no career history, having been a SAHM since our son was born, I couldn't have afforded to buy new beds or fridge. Which he acknowledged, but still seems to want to make a point that me and our kids are a financial burden to him, even now 2.5 years later.

I just feel so hurt for me and for them, that we weren't enough. That he could just up and leave.

I don't know why all this is so stirred up atm, maybe because I'm in the middle of selling the family home, but I guess it explains why the step-sister thing bugged me as much as it did. I asked DD if she was happy to have a step sister, she said she was, so I said that that was the most important thing and to say step-sister if it made her happy.

I'm trying so hard to do the right thing for the kids. I bite my tongue and keep my anger in and don't tell him how much he hurt me and how angry I am. I don't rise to his thoughtless or hurtful comments. I ignore his self-pity and navel-gazing. But the anger and hurt bubbles up inside and won't go away.

I do have a counsellor, but I can only afford to see her once a month, so the rest of the time I just have to deal with it, or call my mum, but although she's lovely, she's very much a 'brace up and move forwards' type, so I feel like I get a limited number of whinges.

Sorry for derailing my own thread. No doubt I will have a load more posters come along, read only the first post and tell me what a petty prick I am, but I just needed to get my feelings out somewhere they might be heard and some of you have been very empathetic and kind. Thank you.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 11/03/2022 11:09

Op sorry to hear things are so difficult. Start a post on relationships it’s very supportive over there.
Can you disengage with him as much as possible - it’s not for you to listen to him moan about cost of setting up home for his children when it’s still in your mind that they had one perfectly good home he chose to leave.

Original poster
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 11/03/2022 11:12

I do try and grey rock him as much as I can, but he likes to dump these things on me at the doorstep or via WhatsApp which I can't block him from because of the kids.

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 11/03/2022 11:12

I think I'm with your mum on this.
I came home one day and my ex had taken all his stuff and just gone. We had a 2 year old and a 3 month old. And he just left. He moved in with a woman he worked with, saw the kids a handful of times for the next 6 months and then stopped seeing them. Paid no child maintenance until I went to CSA (what it was called back then).

We didnt see him for 5 years then he wanted contact with the kids again.

I had to do a lot of sucking it up and getting on with things and a lot of biting my tongue when he waltzed back in.

But im very much of the "just get on with it" opinion. No time for naval gazing. You just have to get on with it. You cannot change how he behaves, but he has to be allowed to see his kids as long as he isnt a danger to them so just get on with it. And dont look for problems where there are none. This step sister thing was not a problem. You created an issue which didnt actually exist to give yourself something to be annoyed about. Dont do that. There are enough real problems; dont make more up.